And you are not alone in this
Sense of loss and loneliness
Take your shoes off run towards the sea

.

"Mama, wanna play tea party wiv me?"

Olivia smiled as her little girl, who had clearly decided to play dress up walked towards her dressed in her pale pink tutu over her navy polka dot leggings, multi-coloured beads around her neck and one of her many tiaras placed, slightly squint on top of her mass of dark wavy hair, her wide eyes sparkling up at her mother as she held a little purple, plastic tea cup towards her.

"I can't baby girl, dinner is almost ready, why don't you clear it up and we'll play later?"

Lennon let out a sigh and pouted her bottom lip as she slowly turned away and toddled back into the living room where her plastic, princess tea set sat prepared on the large, dark wood, coffee table.

Olivia felt her heart tug as she watched her daughter walk away, Lennon always knew how to make her parents feel guilty, even with the tiniest little look. She pulled out her phone to see a text from her husband saying he was on his way, while typing out her reply she heard the little screams of excitement from her youngest child.

"Daddy! Mama, Mama, Daddy's here!" Lennon ran to the door holding the tiara on her head.

Brian pushed open the front door, careful of the little body jumping up and down behind it. "Hey, mermaid" He grinned grabbing his daughter and lifting her above his head before sitting her on his hip.

"Daddy" Lennon wrapped her arms tight around his neck "You here for dinner? Mama made chicken nuggets" She grinned as she whispered as if in secret to her father.

"She did?" He widened his eyes in fake surprise, smiling at his wife who stood at the living room door.

"I made chicken nuggets for you and your brother, Daddy gets pasta."

"Oooh, pasta" He gently bounced Lennon on his waist making her laugh.

"Play tea party, Daddy?"

"Lennon, I told you to clear it away just now because dinner's almost ready"

"Mama…"

"Lennon…" Olivia gave her daughter a stern look

Lennon sighed "C'mon, Daddy will help you tidy it up, princess" Brian told her as he set her on the ground.

"Kay!" She grinned and dropped to the floor; grabbing Brian's hand in hers she led him into the living room.

.

"Hey, how are you?" Olivia placed her hand on her husband's upper arm as he washed the dinner dishes. "You don't need to do that" she smiled nodding towards the sink full of soapy water.

"It's fine" He smiled and quickly looked behind her to make sure the kids weren't watching before planting a soft kiss on her lips. "I'm fine, how are you?"

"Okay" She smiled

"You sure? You didn't eat much," He mentioned

"I'm fine, just tired" Olivia didn't want to worry him by admitting she still wasn't feeling to well after her sickness bug a couple of days ago.

"How'd things go with your mom?" She changed the subject

"Not bad, I called Jane, because dad wanted to be buried here we were going to start making arrangements before his body was flown over but mom doesn't really feel comfortable making any decisions without Jane"

"Makes sense I guess" Olivia replied quietly

"So I called Jane and she's booked a flight out for Tuesday, they're gonna get his body on the plane then as well and after that we can start making arrangements"

Olivia sighed and rest her head on Brian's shoulder just for a second. It was only Thursday, that meant they had to live another four days without knowing any funeral plans.

"I guess it gives us a little extra time to tell the kids, let them get used to it"

"Will they ever get used to it?" Brian turned to her, his eyes slightly puffy from his emotional outburst the night before and his continuous lack of sleep over the last few months.

"They're young. I don't think they'll really understand" She shrugged "It'll give you some time as well"

"I'd rather just get it over and done with to be honest" He sighed, placing the last plate in the drying rack before grabbing the towel and drying his hands.

Olivia pulled him gently closer to her, placing her hands on either side of his face "Are you growing a beard now?" She smiled, trying to ease the tension of the moment as she ran her fingers over the stubble that was present on his lower face.

"I'm thinking about it" He smirked, "You like it?"

"Hmm, I think I do" She grinned and stood on her tiptoes, pressing her mouth to his, sliding her arms around his neck.

"Thank you" He said quietly after pulling back. He took her chin between his thumb and finger and leant down, pressing his lips to her forehead. "For giving me another chance, to fix this, us, to make everything better"

"I think we both have a lot of work to do but we'll get there. And I meant what I said this morning, you need to deal with losing your father before we can work on us"

"I know, I will"

"I'm always here but I don't want you jumping back into this without grieving. I know what you're like and I can't deal with you shutting me out again," She whispered quietly. "I love you too much"

"Love you more"

.

"Daddy, wanna play trains with me?" Zach approached his dad and handed him one of his new toy trains.

"Thanks buddy" He smiled at his son, who's features mirrored his own. Olivia had always said during her pregnancy she hoped that their son had his eyes and he did, turns out Zach was the spitting image of his father since the day he was born.

"Actually little man," Brian reached for his son and pulled him up onto his lap "Me and Mama have something to tell you and Lennon."

He looked over at Olivia who nodded and pulled her baby girl onto her own lap, running her fingers through the end of her wavy hair, careful not to move the tiara that still sat haphazardly upon her head.

"We going somewhere?" Zach asked with a smile on his face

"Yeah!" Lennon clapped and giggled

"No sweetie" Olivia sadly shook her head after a few seconds "It's something serious okay? And you can ask us any questions you have okay and Daddy and me, we'll try and answer them for you"

"What is it Mama?" Zach questioned, his little face laced with confusion.

"It's about Papa, buddy" Brian said, trying to clear his throat, the last thing he wanted to do was break down in front of his kids.

"Papa coming!?" Both kids asked excitedly

"No, no, he eh, guys…" Brian struggled to find any words to say. How do you explain death to two young children? He asked himself over and over in his mind.

"Guys," Olivia butted in, noting the tough time her husband was having with the situation. "Papa died on Tuesday. He passed away."

Brian immediately tightened his arms around his son's body, pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

"Why?" Lennon asked, playing with the ears of the stuffed rabbit toy she had in her hands.

"Well, he was sick, he had a problem with his heart and then it stopped working" Olivia tried to explain in ways their young children would understand.

"When he coming over?" Lennon questioned again, staring up at her mother with her dark eyes.

"He's not baby" Brian replied "He passed away, which means that he's gonna go to heaven now"

"Zach, baby you okay?" Olivia asked, noticing the solemn look on her son's face, his bottom lip was pouted and she could see the glassiness in his eyes.

"I miss Papa" He said quietly as he began to cry.

Brian immediately pulled his son against his chest, whispering quiet, comforting words in his ear, trying to stop his own tears from making an appearance.

"Zach, don't cry" His little sister told him as she started crying as soon as she seen the tears falling from her brother's face. Olivia gripped onto her daughter, doing the exact same thing as her husband did with their son.

She picked up her daughter and moved from the armchair to the couch and sat down next to her husband, she pulled one arm from her little girl and gently ran her fingers through her son's hair trying to calm him. Zach rarely cried anymore, at five years old he was fiercely independent and didn't show his sadness much like his little sister did, not that they were sad children which made seeing them so upset very hard to witness for both parents.

Olivia felt her own tears fall down her cheeks as she kissed Lennon's head. She felt her own heart being ripped from her chest at the thought of her children's sadness. Between Brian and the kids she had had barely any time to grieve herself.

.

An hour later and the tears had stopped. The initial shock of being told of their grandfather's death had worn off, neither child really understanding the situation. They sat on the floor playing, as Toy Story 2 played on the TV in the background.

"Daddy?" Lennon stood and toddled towards Brian who sat forward on the couch, his elbows on his knees watching as the kids played in front of him.

"Yeah munchkin?"

"Are you sad?" Lennon tilted her head slightly. Olivia glanced between her husband and her daughter.

"Yeah, I am sad, I'm sad about Papa but it'll be okay, don't you worry about it"

"Wanna play tea party?" She grinned her cheeky little grin that mirrored her mothers whenever she wanted something.

"Lennon, not now sweetie" Olivia told her

"But Daddy sad. Tea parties make me happy, make him happy too" She whispered loudly as she clambered onto the couch and onto her mother's lap. "Please Mommy" She whispered, her hands on either side of her mother's face.

"Go set up it" Brian whispered towards his little girl

"Yeah!" Lennon jumped from Olivia's lap and proceeded to set up her previously arranged tea set in the kitchen.

"Mama, Daddy wear these" She came back through minutes later with two tiaras from her toy box and handed them to her parents. "Come on Zach!" Lennon led her brother into the kitchen

Olivia laughed when Brian quickly placed the silver and purple, glittery tiara on his head and winked her way. "Suits you" She chuckled as she placed her own one on.

"What can I say, royalty always suits shiny headwear" He grinned and tickled her stomach before jumping up and following their little girl to the kitchen where she had set up her tea set, surrounded by four cushions on the floor.

.

"Daddy?"

Brian pulled the space-themed bedcovers up over his son's body "Yeah?"

"I don't want you to die"

His heart fell to the floor as he gazed into the mirror image of himself that was his five-year-old son. "Zach, I'm not going anywhere" Brian insisted as he sat on the bed by his son's side "I promise you, you don't have to worry about that"

"But your daddy did"

Brian nodded "Yeah, he did"

"But why? Why Papa?" Zach asked, his voice quiet as he sat up in his bed and moved closer to his father.

"I don't know, son. I honestly don't know. Sometimes stuff like this just happens, without explanation" He ran his hand over Zach's head "Papa's heart wasn't working as well as it should've and he didn't know, and then it just stopped working"

Brian sighed and gave his son a small smile "But you don't have to worry about me, my heart is working fine, if it wasn't I wouldn't be allowed to be a detective. And the police make you go to the doctor and get checked out every year, sometimes it's six months, that way they can tell you if there's something wrong"

"And you have nothing wrong?" Zach confirmed with his dad

"No, I have nothing wrong" He smiled and kissed Zach on the forehead "Now, sleep time"

"I love you, Dad" The little boy lunged into Brian's arms, his smaller arms wrapped awkwardly around his dad's larger frame.

"I love you more, Zach"

.

"Hey, is he okay?" Olivia dropped the remote on the couch beside her as Brian wandered back into the living room

He sank down into the armchair and ran his hands over his face, bringing his elbows to rest on his knees as he leaned forward and sighed, choking up as he relayed their conversation to his wife "He said that he doesn't want me to die"

Olivia's face dropped, the last thing she wanted was their kids worrying about losing a parent, it was hard enough for an adult to face it but the thought of her children going through it made her ache.

"I told him that I'm fine, I mean I know I am. I just had my physical last month" He told her "I think he gets it but my god, Liv. I don't want him to go around everyday thinking that one day one of us is going to die. He doesn't need those thought's in his head, he's five for gods sake"

She could see him getting angry; his body tensed as he clenched his fists and dropped his head against them. Olivia stood slowly and walked over to him, pulling his arms apart and moving to sit in his lap. She ran her hands through his dark hair and pressed a line of kisses down his face.

"It's okay" She whispered, "He'll be fine, it's just the initial shock"

"What if it's not?" He asked, "What if this really messes him up?"

"Then we'll deal with it, get him to talk to us, make sure that he knows we're okay and that he doesn't need to worry. We'll be there for him, through everything, that's what parents do"

"You wanna stay here tonight?" She asked after a few minutes of silence.

Brian shook his head "I better not, I don't want the kids thinking I'm living here again"

Olivia nodded and kissed him on the mouth, she ran her thumb over his lips after she pulled back "You will be though"

"We've got a lot to deal with before I do" He chuckled against her shoulder "We never seem to do things by half do we?"

She smirked "Now where's the stress in that?"

.


thoughts / continue? / whatever

lyrics: Against the Grain - Newton Faulkner

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