Chapter Nine
"I can't believe you'd be willing to just let him go," Jessika Pava fumed.
"I never said that. I wouldn't speak for anyone but myself," Poe said. "And someone needs to show him another way."
"Oh, I think he's been shown that way too long now. He just spits on it." Snap leaned against an X-wing.
"I think Poe's right," Finn said softly.
"You do?" Jess blinked.
"I do," Finn said, louder this time. "Kylo Ren put a lightsaber across my back and through my shoulder, but he's also the person Han Solo loved and died for."
"Thought Han was tricked," Snap said skeptically.
"He was, but his last actions can't have been in vain," Finn insisted. "Not if I can help it. So if forgiving Kylo Ren – to show him that we're on the right side – is the way to honor Han's memory – I'll try it, too."
He smiled at Poe, whose eyes shone upon him. Finn felt a fluttering in his stomach, a feeling he'd never felt before.
"You think a man who killed his own father is capable of change?" Snap crossed his arms.
"I don't know. Look – I'm a stormtrooper. I wasn't supposed to change," said Finn.
"But you never killed anyone," Jess pointed out.
"I did," said Poe.
Jess stared at Poe. "What?"
"I killed his friend." Poe gestured at Finn, though he couldn't bear to meet his buddy's eyes. "Slip was his name."
"That's completely different."
"Is it, Snap?"
"Yes," Finn said suddenly, grabbing Poe's shoulders. "Poe, Slip – he believed their doctrine until the end. Fully. He never asked the questions I did."
"Are you sure?" Poe swallowed. "Finn, all I think is that I could have killed you instead. Do you know what that feels like?"
Finn shook his head slowly. He felt as if he was drowning in Poe's eyes, because Poe's eyes were a river of compassion and bravery and he couldn't escape and it was wonderful.
Jess cleared her throat. "I think we'll, uh, leave you two to hash your feelings out. Right, Snap?"
"Huh?"
"Right." She grabbed Snap's hand and led him away, tossing a smirk back at Poe.
"So, uh…what were they talking about?" Poe's face burned. "I mean, I –"
Finn'd never felt so much feeling before in his life. Grief that he'd never been allowed feelings, hope for the future and even for Kylo Ren, enchantment with the man he held.
He leant forward and brushed his lips against Poe's.
"General Hux." Colonel Datoo's greasy smile was a most unwelcome sight.
"Datoo," Hux said dismissively as stormtrooper trainees marched out of the Dark Lord, the First Order's second finest ship. Datoo would insist on traveling with pomp only to appease his own ego.
You would too. Hux squirmed.
"I do hope you'll get this stormtrooper program under control soon. The First Order misses your advice," said Datoo.
"Indeed – you could always radio me," Hux said icily.
"True, true, sir." Datoo nodded. He lowered his voice. "At any rate, I've also been sent to relay a message."
"Then tell it."
"Do you recall the riot when we first arrived at the Supreme Leader's headquarters?"
"Of course I recall it." Hux's mood soured. He couldn't feel guilty, could he?
"We interviewed around. To make sure there were no insurrectionist minds about." Datoo pursed his lips. "We now have two witnesses claiming that a short, redheaded man paid multiple townspeople to incite the riot."
Hux started. The riot wasn't his fault? "That's your entire description?"
"As of yet, yes." Datoo lowered his eyes. "It would help if Ren were here to probe their minds."
"Well, he's not," seethed Hux. "Nor is he likely to be anytime soon, if he hasn't turned traitor already."
"I understand, sir." Datoo nodded.
"At any rate, we've more important problems. Training our soldiers, ensuring Prana's rathtars don't escape, and through it all obeying Supreme Leader Snoke," Hux said.
"Of course, General."
Zaira's purple hair appeared in his peripheral vision, and for a moment Hux forgot everything but that he had worked closely with this woman for months and only now knew how wonderful she was.
"General? Is something the matter?"
"Er – nothing, Colonel. You're free to go," Hux said, cursing his feelings.
Zaira, meanwhile, had counted two dozen new stormtrooper trainees. Her taste of freedom, her taste of someone she cared for, last night had left her furious for more. Her heart throbbed with the desire to free these not-quite soldiers, free them as she had never been freed.
"Lieutenant Dax." Hux materialized behind her. "A word, please."
"Of course, sir." Zaira followed him, hoping he only used such formalities due to Datoo's presence. Her official name felt so unbecoming.
She would be all right if he regretted her, but would he?
"Zaira," he breathed, clasping her hands in his. His eyes darted around, ensuring no one saw them. "How are things going?"
"The troopers seem fine, albeit apprehensive, but somehow I don't think that's what you meant."
Apprehensive was an emotion that didn't bode well for them, Hux reflected, but what would happen if he pushed his reservations to the side once again? "How are you?"
"I'm fine," Zaira said, her ruddy complexion warming all the more. Admittedly, she was a bit sore in places she'd never been sore, but she'd never been easily fazed by minor aches. "I don't regret anything."
Her eyes searched his. "Do you?"
She was about as hesitant as Hux had ever seen her. "No. No. I feel – happy."
"New feeling for you?" she asked wryly.
"Actually, yes." Hux squeezed her hand. "I – I hope I will see you tonight?"
"That sounds wonderful." She squeezed his hands back as his face blushed. "I should return to Phasma. She's quite peeved. I think she thought me like one of her stormtroopers."
"Undoubtedly," he agreed. "Just don't send her to murder me. I'd had for the Supreme Leader to execute her for treason."
Zaira chuckled. "Never. You deserve a happy life."
Did all murderers, she wondered. Maybe all murderers, slaves, and spies did.
Of course, a different sort of physical training occurred that night. In Hux's new, barren and immaculately cleaned quarters, Zaira found herself tumbling into bed with a general she's loathed a little over a month ago.
She didn't much care if she was jeopardizing her mission. She wanted him close to her, closer until there was no more him and no more her, but only them.
"I think I love you," Hux whispered while they lay tangled in each other's arms.
Zaira started. Did she love him back? Could she, since she'd never had anyone love her before.
"I love you too." She left a trail of kisses down his sweating face.
He hugged her tighter.
"You don't have any speeches to write tonight?" she teased.
"I did them earlier." Hux's face burned, and she had to laugh.
"You work harder than anyone I know."
Hux shrugged. "I have to."
"Habit?" she guessed.
"That too," he admitted.
She eyed him. "Is this your dream in life? Being a general?"
Hux hesitated.
"You're stalling." Zaira caressed his face, and for a moment, he felt safe.
"Yes," he whispered. "Do you really think anyone achieves their dreams by the time they're thirty-four?"
"I suppose I hope there are always new dreams to see." Zaira swallowed. Although, her dream of freedom had never been met.
"You're such an idealist." He kissed the tip of her tiny nose.
Zaira laughed. "It's not natural. I find idealism my only practice for sanity."
"I admire you."
"You haven't answered me." Zaira watched him carefully.
Hux shifted. "It's … embarrassing and dangerous, all at once. I've always wanted to rule the galaxy."
Zaira's blood chilled. "Why?"
"I'm not scheming to overthrow Snoke," he insisted. "I pride myself on loyalty."
"I know you do," Zaira said. "Is it the power? The prestige?"
"I've wondered if it's the respect that comes with both of those," he said. He sighed. "And the self-respect. To feel like I have some value."
Zaira cursed her earlier judgment. "You've always had value."
"My father invented the training at the Academy. The killing." Hux wondered how much he should say, if he dared blurt it all out, if he dared expose the scariest innards. "He would have let me die if I wasn't good enough."
"You always had to be enough for him," she guessed.
"Yes." Hux's eyes shone with anger. "I used to dream of greatness, just so he would see how worthy I was. So he would be proud of me and feel bad for how he treated us – my mother and myself."
"Your mother?"
"She died shortly after I joined the academy." His voice was surprisingly emotional. "She loved me, tried to shelter me, but I didn't want to be sheltered and weak. She killed herself, and I fear my rejection spurred that."
"No." Zaira stroked his hair. "No, it wasn't your fault."
"I know that."
"But you feel differently?" she guessed.
Hux nodded.
Zaira blinked back tears. How many officers in the First Order were just broken children? Did the Resistance even care? "I'm so sorry you live with that."
In response, he laid his head on her chest. No one had ever said something like that to him.
She wrapped her arms around him again, promising, "I will help you, with whatever I can."
"Your droid doesn't approve of me." Kylo watched BB-8 roll to greet Rey as she entered his chamber.
R2 beeped happily from Kylo's side on the stone floor.
Rey scoffed. "He's Poe's droid. Although I suppose what's important is that he isn't yours."
Beep-bloop-beep! BB-8 brandished his stingers in warning.
R2 tapped Kylo's legs, beeping soothingly.
Kylo took in a shaky breath. "I really didn't need to hear that!"
R2 tapped him again.
Rey burst out laughing at the droid's chatter.
"I am being nice," Kylo snapped.
"You are not."
"You're the one mocking a beaten man," he said coldly. Don't you care about me?
"What do you want?!"
"I don't know!" he yelled.
"I've been doing my best to be kind to you. To extend the courtesies you've denied so many."
"And you keep reminding me of that," he said.
"You blew up five planets. Just because I pity you doesn't mean that's all over."
Kylo shook his head. "I hated that."
"You still let it happen."
"Because I'm a monster!" Kylo clenched his fists, fighting the urge to howl. "A monster!"
"No, you're a coward," snapped Rey.
Kylo gaped at her. "General Hux is a coward, not me."
"Then stop being afraid of what will happen if you focus on something other than self hatred." Rey put her hands on her hips. "Well?"
His head bowed. "I can't."
Rey squinted. "Why?"
His shoulders heaved, and suddenly Rey realized. "You think you're worthless."
"Like you do." Kylo raised his face and emitted hollow laughter. "That's why I took you, you know. I could have found the droid on Takodana without your help. I wanted to get to know someone who thought as little of themselves as I did. 'Who are you? I'm nobody.'"
Rey took a step closer.
His cheeks streamed brine. "I wanted someone to understand me. I hoped we could be partners in the Dark."
"I don't want the Dark."
"That's what I say about the Light, but it's still there!" Kylo slammed a fist onto the floor.
Rey felt nauseated. Was it true? Was she capable of the dark?
She was stepping closer to Kylo's limp body, cognizant of her power, he potential to avenge Han and slay this bastard.
Kylo's shoulders slumped. The truth was he'd wished she would deny it. Ad that by her denial, somehow, she would change to complete Light.
"I killed my father to be dark, and I didn't know I would do it until it was done, because the Light wouldn't stop," Kylo sobbed. "It won't leave me, and I don't deserve it."
Rey honestly had no idea what to do. She wasn't good in emotional situations.
"I hate the Force. It betrayed me and I did everything to serve it," he wailed.
A memory came swirling back to Rey, a memory so potent tears stung her own eyes. Her hand automatically traced Luke's lightsaber. What was it about this place that shook such emotions from all of them?
I know the Force. It moves through and surrounds every living thing. Close your eyes … feel it … the light. It has always been there.
"Every living thing," Rey whispered.
"What?"
"Ben, the Light won't leave you as long as you are alive. It wouldn't leave Darth Vader, or Luke or Leia, and it won't leave you."
"It left Snoke."
"Hmm." An idea occurred to Rey, one too crazy to say aloud.
Ben stared at Rey. As if they had the same thought.
"I don't know," he said. "Old doesn't mean dead."
"I must say, Rey, what a ruckus! Master Chewy heard shouting and sent me to find out if everything's all right and here I find you perfectly fine! – Oh my." C-3PO stopped.
Kylo Ren smiled an ugly smile at the golden droid.
"Goodness gracious me, you look like Ben now," he said, pressing a hand over his heart.
R2 squealed.
"I'll, uh, leave you two alone." C-3PO backed out. "I must say, Rey, he looks quite disheveled."
Rey watched the weeping Kylo Ren. "He may be an idiot, but I saw Ben, too."
My son is alive.
Kylo cried harder.
Rey stepped closer, put her hands on Kylo's face to look into his eyes. With kind, warm eyes, with forgiveness and life.
Her hands reminded him of Han. "I feel – I feel so sorry."
"I know," she said.
Before dawn, Zaira reluctantly slipped out of their warm bed.
"Have to surprise the trainees," she whispered to the general as she tugged on her clothing. He nodded sleepily. Peace, even if momentary, rested on his face, and she loved it.
Zaira kissed his forehead before heading out into the chilly twilight air. The trainee barracks were located a five minute walk from Hux's quarters. She reckoned that if she had spent the night in her own room, she'd have gained at least five extra minutes of sleep.
Soft, padding footsteps began behind her.
Zaira stiffened. "Who's there? I can and will destroy you."
"Oh, will you?" King Prana's unmistakable drawl slithered through the night.
"Your majesty." Zaira spun to face his shadowy form. "What are you doing here at this hour?"
"My guards were instructed to deliver a message, but I was so, er, intrigued myself I decided to take the work upon myself."
Zaira smelt a lie. "Is that so?"
"What are you doing out here, my dear?" Prana's voice could not have been smugger. "A young officer, fighting for her career in a dying war … "
"I am perfectly satisfied in my career, and I resent your insinuations," growled Zaira. "And, for your record, this war can and will be won."
"By who?" Prana stepped closer to her.
Whose side was he on? And why would he say this to her?
"I'd better not be disappointed in my investment." His hand stretched out. "A letter, for you, my dear."
She hated that diminutive, but more than that, she hated his mystery. "Not for the General or Captain?"
"No." Prana smiled, though she couldn't see his mouth.
Zaira snatched the note from his fingers. "From who? How did you come by this?"
"Like I said. My guards." Prana glided off into the night, walking backwards like a ghost.
"You're lying," she grumbled when he was out of earshot. Was General Organa that desperate, to risk her position? How dare the Resistance, if this was even them?
The trainees. The letter would wait until she was alone and in the light. She could ignore it a little longer, Zaira decided, as she tucked the paper into her pants.
In fact, she ignored the letter all the way until mid-afternoon, when she snuck away from training to relieve herself.
The writing was so familiar, the words almost spoke aloud.
My dear Zaira,
I was most relieved to hear of your survival at Starkiller Base – though I fail to see the reason I was not informed. But that is no matter.
You doubtless recognize that you are more endangered after such a defeat. While I do not doubt your capabilities, my reports of your actions leave me concerned. Are you not aware what the First Order would do if they found a scapegoat in you? Perhaps you need a reminder from your teacher.
I will see you in precisely one month, my dear daughter. Be in town center, and you will learn the place.
Do not deprive yourself of this lesson.
