Hey guys,
Apologies for the wait, again I've been super busy and I am pleased to say I've graduated from high school!
Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU or any of it's characters, however Meredith is mine, nor am I making any profit from this work.
Enjoy and please review!
It wasn't too long after Liv and Nick had left that Amanda felt the need to check on her daughter. As she went to get up, she heard the teenagers door open and she glanced over to see Meredith emerge. She looked tired, and Amanda noticed the redness around her eyes.
"Hey Mere." Amanda started awkwardly in a soft voice. For someone who dealt with victims on a regular basis, the blonde detective found herself lacking in knowledge of what to say.
"Mom, you don't have to do this ya know? Pretend I mean." Meredith didn't look at her as she spoke, moving over to the fridge where she pulled out a bottle of water. As she watched her, Amanda came to the realization that she desperately needed to go to the store, having seen the emptiness of the fridge.
"Pretend what?" Amanda played dumb to Meredith's words. The more she kept her talking, the more she'd learn from her. Whether it was what she wanted to hear, or not.
"That you care." The teenager gave a dark laugh, and after seeing her mothers face fall, she dropped her gaze to the label of the bottle, 'pure water' it read, she wasn't pure any more and she never would be.
Refusing to let herself snap back a reply Amanda took a breath, knowing the teen was only pushing the boundaries as a test, to see how strong she was and whether or not she was strong enough for Meredith. She just had to ride it out, no matter how hard her daughter made it. "You know I care Meredith, I love you and I'll be here for you, no matter what." She attempted a smile, which faltered at Meredith's scoff.
"Is that a line you rehearse often? For all those broken women? Well I'm okay, I'm fine. I'm not a victim." Her daughter finally looked her in the eyes as Amanda braced herself.
"No. You're not, you're a survivor." Even Amanda had to cringe at the comment after she'd said it but Meredith's response was even more elaborate as the young blonde laughed.
"Are you honestly serious, or is this some kind of joke?" She asked and Amanda nodded.
"Of course I'm serious. And I mean it when I say I'm here, to listen, to talk. Hell, no one even has to talk, but all I want you to know is I'm here for you." Meredith looked to considerate for a moment before she spoke up again, setting the bottle of water on the counter top as she became uninterested in the distraction it offered.
"There's nothing to talk about; I'm fine." Amanda sensed the annoyance in the girls voice, again struggling to find words that would settle the teenager. Before she had a chance to speak, Meredith continued, "I know it was my fault anyway, I mean I brought it on myself." She shrugged and Amanda bit her lip. Whatever she said now, Meredith would just argue back, but deep down she knew she had to speak up.
"It wasn't your fault Mere, that guy makes his own choices. He knew what he was doing and he did it anyway. There was no way you could have stopped it, it wasn't your fault. And you can keep telling yourself that it is, but I don't blame you, none of us do and I'm not going to give up on you, even if you give up on yourself." Noticing Meredith look away, she knew she'd gotten to her.
Meredith looked up then and as Amanda saw that she was struggling to hold back tears she stepped forward.
"I know it was my fault and I don't care what you say, I should have called you, as soon as I left Ainsley's. I should have called and I didn't so there's no one else to blame. It was my fault. If I hadn't of been there, it wouldn't have happened and nothing can change that. Whatever you think you can do or say it doesn't matter because I know what I did and I know how I fucked it up. I was so stupid and my own bloody naivety got the better of me again, so ha, the jokes on me." Meredith voice wavered as she spoke and she moved away from Amanda as she stood forward in the hopes of being able to comfort her daughter.
"Meredith, honey..." She started, now holding back her own tears. Neither Amanda or Meredith were ones to become overly emotional and they were both ones to keep their emotions in check, bottled up and kept beneath the surface. Tidy, swept into the long forgotten corners of their minds.
"Just stop, mom." Meredith snapped, heading back towards what she felt was the safety of her room.
"I don't blame you, and you shouldn't blame yourself either." Amanda called after her to which Meredith paused, hand on the door handle. With an eye roll she glanced back at her mother.
"Seriously, just stop." Was all she muttered in a harsh tone before pushing open the door and slamming it behind her.
Amanda sat with a shaky sigh and ran a hand through her hair. She knew what Meredith was saying wasn't intended to hurt her, but her words had stung, a little more then the blonde haired detective had thought.
xo
In the hours that Meredith spent in her room that afternoon, all she wanted to do was scream. The anger she felt towards herself suffocating her in a way that she couldn't describe or shake off. She had a number of texts and messages that she didn't want to open, and the memories of the previous night she wanted to forget.
Her mother didn't make any attempt at entering her room and Meredith stayed there, not wanting to risk the sympathetic smiles and careful words. It was nearing 7.00pm when Meredith woke from where she'd fallen asleep on her bed, a pounding headache on the rise. Flicking her bed side lamp on she sat up and rubbed at her eyes. Knowing that it wouldn't go away on it's own, she made her way to her door and pushed it open softly and as she left her room she glanced around the room for sight of her mother. She heard movement in the kitchen and breathing a sigh of relief she headed for the bathroom.
She went unseen by her mother and pulled open the medical cabinet, looking through it until she found a small bottle of Advil. She poured two out into her palm and swallowed them dry, not wanting to venture out where Amanda was. Putting everything back into it's usual place she left the bathroom and had made it back to her bedroom when she heard Frannie trot up behind her and cringing, she turned to scratch the dog behind the ears, where she liked it.
Lost in thought, Meredith was oblivious to Amanda watching her until she cleared her throat to which the teenager jumped at, startled.
"Sorry love, didn't mean to scare you." Amanda murmured softly and offered a small smile.
Meredith gave a small nod and bit the inside of her lip, reaching behind her to rest a hand on the door handle. She knew the way she was acting was hurting her mother, despite the fact that she was yet to show it.
"It's okay." She settled on awkwardly, looking at the ground.
"I was going to order in food, considering I desperately need to go to the store, anything in particular you wanted?" Amanda asked and at Meredith's head shake she continued on, "You need to eat Mere, you haven't had much all day."
"I'm not hungry." Meredith snapped and instantly felt bad at the hurt look on Amanda's face. However at the current moment, all she wanted to do was sit by herself, listen to loud music and cry, as cliché as it sounded once she'd thought about it.
Amanda gave a nod after a moment, not wanting to push her daughter despite the nagging voice in her head that told her otherwise. "I'll save some left overs for you, if you change your mind." She said quietly and the young blonde retreated back into the depths of her room, leaving Amanda wondering what the hell she was going to do with her.
xo
As night drew closer and it neared 9.30, Meredith found herself becoming more and more restless. The thoughts of the previous night repeating in her head and nothing she tried seemed to stop it. She couldn't sleep, she couldn't cry, and she certainly couldn't shake the panicked anxiety she was feeling.
Pacing the length of her room, she ignored the pain she was feeling and thought about calling Olivia. After all, she had said that she was there for her but she didn't want to bother her, even though deep down Meredith knew the detective wouldn't mind in the slightest.
She even thought about calling Nick, but even doing that would mean that she was admitting to needing help and Meredith Rollins was far too strong to do anything of the sort. It was then that she knew that even if she did ring one of the detectives, at some point her mother would hear her talking and become even more concerned and Meredith would feel even worse about the whole situation.
Deciding to try and sleep once again she settled down on her side, head under her pillow, trying to block out the images flitting through her head. They almost played in slow motion at first and were easier to ignore but as they continued they came one after the other. Despite Meredith squeezing her eyes shut so tightly that she saw spots, she couldn't rid herself of the images.
"I'm going insane, fucking insane." The teenager muttered to herself, feeling tears spring in her eyes. She felt his breath on her neck, his hands on her legs, her hips, her neck and she bolted upright with a sob. Meredith was quick to cover her mouth with her hands as a way to muffle any more sobs that tried to escape
At the hospital the previous night, both Amanda and Olivia had told her that she'd been through the hardest part, the physical attack but now that she was past it all Meredith could think about was how wrong they were. This was the hardest part of it all, remembering and seeing all the places that she had been at fault.
After a while, once the tears had stopped and the images had returned to a dull idle in her mind she pulled back the covers and stood shakily. Taking a deep breath she made her way to the door, despite everything in her that was telling her not to.
She crossed the hall to Amanda's room and pushed the door open softly. The bedside lamp was on and Amanda was sitting in bed on her laptop. She quickly shut it when she glanced up and saw Meredith standing in the doorway, hands shaking.
"I'm sorry mommy."
The pain in her daughter's voice sent a wave of emotion through Amanda and she gave her a comforting smile, patting the place beside her in the bed. Without a word Meredith hurried over and climbed in, rolling onto her side to face her mother.
"I just want to forget. It won't stop and I don't want to remember." Meredith said after a moment of silence.
"I know honey." Amanda murmured back and it absolutely killed her that she felt she couldn't do more for her daughter. Meredith gave a sigh and closed her eyes. For a while Amanda thought that she'd managed to fall asleep until she gave a light laugh.
"Life sucks doesn't it? Like it absolutely fucking sucks." She opened her eyes and propped herself up on one arm. Amanda was slightly taken aback at her use of profanity but knew that now wasn't the time to remind her of what she was saying. She gave a simple half nod in a way of pushing her daughter to elaborate on her words.
The teenager did so after a moment lost in thought. "I never told you about Zak, did I?" She questioned with a small smile on her face and all Amanda knew was that she was talking about was the boy whom she'd had a crush on last year. Little did the blonde detective know that the two had been in a relationship for a while back then.
"The boy you had a crush on, right?" Amanda checked anyway and her thoughts were confirmed when Meredith nodded.
The teenager moved to lying on her back, in a way of avoiding her mothers eyes, but it was light hearted all the way. "Yeah, we dated for a while mom." She said and before Amanda had a chance to speak she continued, "I mean only for a couple of months, until he cheated on me with some slut from the cheer team."
Again Amanda ignored the harsh words of her daughter and spoke to a different issue, "You didn't tell me, about any of this?" She questioned, the slightly hurt feeling obvious in her tone of voice.
"That wasn't my point. It was that guys suck, whether their intentions are in the right place or not. It always turns out for the worst, right?" Amanda didn't stand a chance at even trying to answer her daughters question before Meredith continued on, a sheepish grin on her face. "You probably don't want to believe that though huh? I mean I've seen the swooning looks you've given Nick mom."
After a quick swat at her daughters arm, Amanda gave her a small smile. "Sometimes you're too observant for your own good kid." Was all she said and Meredith gave her a wink.
"What can I say? I try." Meredith gave a laugh before the two fell into comfortable silence.
It wasn't long before Meredith became even more tired then she had been and the desperate need for sleep became more apparent in her mind.
"You okay?" Amanda pulled her from her thoughts and she gave a small shake of her head.
"Not really, well yeah I am; just tired." Her daughter shrugged and spoke again. "If I sleep can we leave a light on? I'm scared and it's stupid because I shouldn't be, it's pathetic and I hate myself for it." She rushed and Amanda sensed the annoyance Meredith was feeling, at herself and the way her mind was coping with what had happened.
"It's okay Mere, it's okay to be scared. It doesn't make you weak or pathetic at all." Amanda said in hopes of comforting her and this time there was no snappy remark and the teenager just gave a silent nod before moving closer to Amanda, who gladly reached out to pull her daughter into a hug.
"All I can see is him and all I can think is that I was so stupid to fall for it and he's still out there." Meredith stressed the last part and Amanda felt her hands shake.
"Just breathe honey, focus on me." She said softly and after a minute or so Meredith began to relax
"I just want tonight to be over." The teenager sighed before deciding to try and sleep. It wasn't long before she settled down and despite the fact that yesterdays nightmare was still fresh in her mind, her need for sleep was far to large for her to ignore.
Amanda stayed awake long after her daughter drifted off into sleep, and even though she could see her daughter was safe next to her, Amanda's own anxiety was bubbling beneath the surface. It was hypocritical really, to think that her daughter needed to talk to someone, even if it wasn't her as Amanda was exactly the same. Too proud to become a burden to someone else, even if it were for the best. Neither Amanda or Meredith had ever dealt with their emotions well and they were both to similar for their own good. It was always get over rather then get through and this time Amanda didn't know if her daughter would be able to simply get over the horrors of what happened to her.
Hope you enjoyed - It was quite a nice chapter to write and I've planned another Liv and Meredith scene for the next chapter as you guys seem to love those two!
I'd also like to say that a relationship between Amanda and Nick isn't the focal point of this work. If you're looking for a Rollaro filled story, that's probably not going to happen, yet anyway. I do have plans for their relationship however, I am not planning on rushing it as I want to make it as realistic as possible.
Again any requests will be acknowledged and I will do my best to fit them in somewhere - I have noted what you've said you want to see from when you reviewed the previous chapter, so keep reading and you may see one of your ideas pop up somewhere along the way :)
I will try and get chapter 10 up quickly but I do like to try and write these to the best of my ability. I am absolutely filled with the anxiety that I'm going to let you guys down, so if it does take me longer to upload, know that I'm only doing it for your benefit!
Enough with me talking! Please let me know your thoughts/ideas in a review and thanks for reading!
Liv
