I truly wanted to feel happy again. I wanted to be able to go into town and buy some food. Or cook for myself. Or be able to do anything. I slept a lot, and when I were not sleeping, it was because Beetee or Wiress came around. They helped me with everything, if it they had not been there I would have died.
They made sure I got up and walked a little. Usually Wiress would take me for a small walk around victors village. That way I got outside and had a little fresh air. They made sure I ate something.
I knew I should talk to them about it, but how could I? How do you deal with the fact that you have killed people. Their blood is on your hands, how do you deal with that?
How do you deal with the fact that you just had to fight for your life against other people?
That you had taken people away from their families, so you can sit here in a nice house alone.
I spent a few months numb, trying to process it all.
I did eventually start getting a little better. One day we were walking around and Wiress was talking to me. And when there was a pause in the conversation I looked at her and said the first real sentence in months.
"I promised Charlie I would go see the sea if I survived." I said and Wiress looked at me surprised but happy. I actually smiled back a bit.
"That is good Nova. Of course we can go see the sea." She said.
We kept walking arm in arm. When we got to the gate of victors village, she looked at me carefully.
"Do you wanna go outside a little? Not too much just a little?" She said slowly, she probably did not want to ruin the progress I had made. But I felt brave, and probably a bit arrogant about my current mental state, so I said yes.
We had done that a few times after, but never gotten that far. I still had not gone to see my friends, I knew people were watching me now, so I could not exactly just go there. I had no idea how they would feel if we got to town and I actually saw them. But I wanted to go see them. Or see anything that was familiar and felt even remotely safe. But I also knew I could not show up to Loke's like this. They would not know what to do like the two other victors did.
We actually managed to get to the edge of town there were people running around buying what they needed for dinner and such.
The stress and noise did not bother me too much, which was a pleasant surprise. I stopped Wiress there on the edge, I knew I could not go any further. We stood there for a few minutes just looking, no one really noticed us. A few glances here and there, but most of them had not seen me since I came home.
I made eye contact with one figure, it was a young boy who looked at me and then smiled at me. I looked at him and wanted to smile back. But suddenly his face changed into someone elses. It was a tribute, and the way I had killed him all came back to me. Wiress noticed my change in behaviour, and knew immediately to take me home. She turned me around trying to comfort me on the way. I did not even see my two best friends walking across their corner to greet me. I left them there sad and confused.
I could only focus on it now. I had had a pretty clear mind for a month or so. Only having to deal with guilt and my own thoughts. But now it was all flodding over me. As soon as we got into a house I collapsed and broke down. Wiress let go of me for a short moment to go get something.
I saw everything, everything I had done, all those people I had killed. Their deaths flashed before my eyes. Beetee came in and I was back in my fatal position rocking back and forth.
He slowly sat down and just like Finnick did pulled me into a big hug and let me cry against his chest.
I cried and screamed and everything else I felt like. I felt like I had no real control, all I could do was feel it.
Eventually I could not cry anymore, physically I could not do it anymore. Beetee did not let go of me. Eventually I fell asleep from pure exhaustion. In my sleep they had moved me to Wiress couch. When they saw I had woken up they walked out of the room and came back with a cup of tea. We sat there in silence every now and then taking a sip from a cup. For the first time in a long time, I relaxed and felt safe. I might even have been a slightly bit happy.
A month went on where I slowly got back to life. I started doing things again. It all happened gradually. But once this floodgate had opened it was not gonna close. I could talk again, I did not do it as much as before, but I could say sentences now.
I gradually started to cook on my own, eat without help. Get out of bed without help.
Wiress and I kept walking into town. One day she even managed to get my to buy groceries.
I still collapsed every now and then. And a few times a week, I could wake one of them up with my screams. My nightmares was the worst. There I could not escape what I had done.
One day I walked into town myself. I wanted to see if I could do it without completely falling apart.
I had actually walked this route a lot lately, so I could do it without too much trouble now. I walked through town in my own head and ended up in front of a broken house. I ended up at my home. I had not even thought about it I had just gone on autopilot.
I was scared as I neared it, what would happen when they saw me? If they even knew who I was anymore. I like always looked around to see if anyone was watching me, before I crawled in through the window. My muscles remembered everything for me. Where to put my feet so the floor did not creek and such. I walked to the door, and I had no idea how to approach it. Any normal day I would have just walked in and greeted Loke and the others like usual. It was getting dark outside so I imagined they would be home or on their way by now. I stood in front of the door and had no idea what to do.
I managed to make up my mind and knocked on the door. That was not really something we used to do, but I felt right. I was not the same person from here anymore, I did not belong here anymore. It would always be my home and my family, but I would never belong there again. At first I heard them quiet completely down, just in case it was the peacekeepers.
Loke opened a small hatch in the door, and saw that it was me. He closed it again and quickly opened the door and let me in. He smiled at me and I let me in. He sat me down and put some food in front of me. I felt like the room went silent and everyone was starring at me. I dug in a little but then looked up smiling a little.
"That fancy capitol food can suck it. Nothing beats your cooking Loke." I said and he chuckled and thanked me.
There was a brief pause, before I got up to stop the staring. I said hello to all the boys I knew, who all hugged me, and there were a few new ones. But I knew they had heard of me. I noticed Loke sending them out to do something, once I had hugged everybody there, I sat down and continued eating. The boys sat down and we talked like the old days. I did not chip in as much because I had not stolen anything in a while. After a while I froze when the thought hit me. The last time I had stolen something was in the arena. I had once again stolen to survive. I could feel the voices blurring I felt like I was on the edge of breaking down, when two figures hurried into the room. I heard faintly my name being called. I turned around to see Charlie and Dodger panting a little. They had run there, Charlie looked especially distressed when he saw me.
I was glad because seeing them, stopped my thinking that would lead to yet another breakdown.
I was pulled into a hug, and Dodger lifted me up a little he was so happy to see me.
With Charlie it was a different story he took his time to study my worn down features. Before pulling me into a big bear hug. He held me close for a long time. Probably scared I would leave again if he let me go. He pulled back and took my head in his hands. I was a little sad, he felt so comfortable, so safe, so much like home.
"We saw you a few weeks back in town. You looked like a ghost pipsqueak." He said looking at me worried. I knew it was with good reason that he was worried about me. I had been like a ghost these few months.
"I am so sorry Charlie." Was all I could say and he just chuckled and just hugged me again a little shorter this time.
We sat down and the other boys had a completely different conversation. My two best friends had not changed much in my absence. That made me happy, I did not want them to change. We talked about everything that had happened. They knew not to press me about the games. I was not ready to talk about it.
I had missed them more than I remembered. Eventually it was time to leave, I knew so. I could not stay there, I was no longer part of the gang and never could be again. And Beetee and Wiress would be worried if I was not at home in the morning.
I walked over to Loke and pulled out some money, and handed it to him for the food. He at first insisted that I did not have to pay him and I just chuckled and shook my head.
"I know you, nothing in here is free." I said and with that he smirked at me and took the money.
"Or else let's call it insurance. I know the other victors now, I can come by and help you out with my winnings. But don't break into my house okay?" I said and he chuckled and nodded understanding.
I knew they would not rob from me, but I would hate it if my old friends took from Beetee and Wiress as well.
I met Charlie and Dodger in the door and hugged them goodbye, I smiled more today than I had in months.
Once I pulled back from the hug I frowned, wondering why it had not hit me before.
"Where is Bill?" I asked sternly. I was worried now, it was not like Bill to not come home at night. But a lot could happen in the months I had been gone. Maybe he got popped and was killed or suffering in a prison somewhere. Or was about to lose his tongue and become an avox.
Charlie noticed my change in demenior and smiled comforting putting his hands on my shoulders.
"Relax pipsqueak. He just moved to his own place with Nancy actually. He lives down on oak street, the shack there." He said and I let out a breath I had been holdning.
I really wanted to see Bill, but I did not know if I was ready yet. He had always taken care of me. How would he react seeing me so broken? I did not have time to think about it. Charlie and Dodger offered to walk me there, and soon enough I stood in front of Bills house.
I hugged Charlie and Dodger goodbye, I knew they had stuff to do.
"And boys, you can come by in victors village any time you want, you know that right?" I said and they nodded carefully.
"Just don't rob us while there." I said and earned a chuckled from both of them.
Charlie said the last goodbye giving me a small kiss on my forehead and told it was good to see me again. I stood in front of Bills house. I could hear noise on the other side of the door, so I knew he was home. I took a deep breath trying to gather my courage before knocking carefully on his door.
He opened the door pretty hard and yelled what, before seeing it was me. All annoyance disappeared from his face. And he pulled me in for a big hug and practically dragged me inside.
His shack was not much, but it was certainly homey. He sat me down at the table and we talked for a long time.
"Are you okay pipsqueak? I heard from the boys you looked like a ghost." He said concerned and I smiled at him comforting but shrugged. I did not want to hide anything from Bill.
"I am coping. It is kind of hard getting over the fact that I have killed people." I said honestly and he chuckled and nodded at me.
"I understand. I can see it on you. But you did get out of it alive pipsqueak. Don't forget to actually live a little." He said and I nodded. I knew he was right, I had to live a little, I was the only one out of 24 who got to.
He walked me home and I felt safer than I had in a long time. At my door I told him what I had told Loke. Not to break in here and if he needed anything he should just come to me.
He nodded and smiled. He hugged me one more time before kissing the top of my head and walked back home. I watched him walk away and the small glimmer of happiness I had experience was slowly fading into my now default state of numbness. But I could feel a small spark in my stomach, hopefully that would grow bigger and maybe I would be able to cope with all of this eventually.
Once I got inside Beetee sat there waiting for me. I would usually come say goodnight to him. Or sometimes eat dinner with him.
"You finally went back home?" He asked not mad as I had originally expected.
"Yeah, Even got the last of my stuff." I said It was not much just a little clothes and stuff. But they smelled like home, which I liked.
"Good. I am proud of you." He said, knowing I wanted to go home, but wanted to be more my normal self before I let it happen.
He did not move from his seat and I knew there was something else on his mind.
"You know the Victory tour is coming up right?" He said softly looking at me to judge if I was about to collapse or something again.
I did not want to do it, but I knew I had to. I knew I had to go on that stupid tour and thank all the districts and their families, for letting me kill their children so that I could live. I did not like this, but I knew I had to do it. I knew there was no getting off that train now. Once the tour was over I would have to get on every year and try to teach other children to kill each other.
I dreaded the thought, but I was strong and I decided to follow Bills advice and actually try to live a little since I could.
