Chapter Nine: Musical Therapy

As I headed down to the Great Hall, I couldn't help but think of the conversation I'd had with Professor McGonagall. All my life, I'd only looked after Me; no one else would look out for Me, so I had to do it. I'd known a lot of people who wanted to get closer to me, but I'd never allowed them to. Maybe it was because my personal nightmare was too close, whereas in England, there was an entire ocean between me and him.

But somehow, a skinny boy with a mess of hair and tormented eyes managed to walk through my walls and into my life. Maybe I recognized the torment as similar to my own … maybe I just wanted to make the torment go away … or maybe I was just tired of being lonely and clung to one of the first people I found.

I was torn from my musing by angry voices coming toward me. I instinctively hid behind a nearby suit of armor to see if I could avoid the confrontation. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw it was just Harry, Ron, and Hermione, who were all discussing something rather heatedly.

" … We just had Dumbledore's word for it that You-Know-Who had come back and killed Cedric and fought you."

"Which is the truth!" Harry said loudly.

"You know, you really should stop biting your friends' heads off," I said, swaggering slightly as I stepped out from behind the suit of armor. For a moment, I felt a great sense of warmth at the absolute relief on Harry's face when he saw me, but that moment was ruined when he marched over to me, glaring ferociously.

"Where have you been?!" he growled. "Getting chummy with McGonagall this whole time?! No doubt you've been talking about –"

"– Keeping your skinny ass safe from Umbridge, actually!" I retorted hotly. Just because he was experiencing major mood swings didn't mean I had to stand there and take his abuse. I had enough of that elsewhere, thank you!

"I don't need to be kept safe!" Harry said loudly, standing almost too close. "Let alone by someone who doesn't even know half of what's going on!"

"And whose fault is that?!" I snapped. "I would gladly ask what was going on but anytime someone asks you what happened last summer, you act like a war vet with PTSD!"

"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE!" Harry bellowed. "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW! NO BLOODY IDEA!

"Really?" I asked with a raised eyebrow. "Let me guess. You're constantly seeing whatever happened in your head over and over, not only in nightmares but in flashbacks! You're trying everything you can to avoid even thinking about what happened to you, but you can't because every day it's right in your face! You can't even enjoy the company of the people you love because you know they might leave for one reason or another! You can't concentrate on anything because you can't stop thinking about what happened! And you know that what happened could happen again so you're constantly on high alert, completely aware of anything loud or sudden or out of place! Is that it?! Is that what it's like?! HUH?!"

By the end of that little speech, I was visibly trembling from head to toe, glaring at Harry through stormy-grey, tear-filled eyes. Harry was staring at me in absolute shock, like I'd slapped him in the face with a frying pan.

"How …?" he started to ask, but something he saw in my face made him trail off.

"You're not the only one who's had a hard life, Harry," I snarled, quickly wiping under my eyes to get rid of the tears. "There are other people who've had it rough too. You're just too busy wallowing in self-pity and depression to notice. Try pulling your head out of your ass once in a while! You'll be amazed what you notice!"

I spun on my heel and marched away, unbelievably hurt that Harry dared assume I had no idea what his life was like. I mean, yeah, I was all confidence and bravado, but did he really think that was all there was to me?

I marched all over Hogwarts until I came upon what looked like an abandoned corridor. I was still absolutely fuming and needed something to let out all of my anger. For some reason, I started pacing, focusing on nothing but my anger and my need to let it out. After the third rotation, I paused and stared in shock at what had previously been a blank wall – it was now a large wooden door that was opening itself to me.

What awaited me on the inside made me grin: a state-of-the-art karaoke system, complete with a microphone, a mike-stand, and a stereo system that would make any rock-and-roll fan jealous. Knowing exactly what I needed to do, I raced up to the karaoke system and looked for the song I really needed – "Leave Me Alone" by Michael Jackson.

When the song was done, I took a deep breath and decided I needed a little more Michael Jackson musical therapy. I sang quite a few songs, including "Bad", "Scream", "Black or White", "Smooth Criminal", and "They Don't Really Care About Us".

Now firmly stuck in a slightly depressed and definitely angry mood, I stalked back to Gryffindor Tower to find a rather strange sight. Fred and George were sitting in the middle of a circle of first years and handing them something out of a brown paper bag. As they chewed, I saw each and every one of those kids fall unconscious in their seats.

"Holy shit!" I yelled, marching over to them. "What the hell did you give them!?"

"Calm down, Reggie," George said as Fred walked around and carefully looked each first year over. "They're Fainting Fancies, part of our Skiving Snackboxes! It's perfectly safe –"

"You obviously don't know that since you're still testing them out! And on first years, no less!" I snapped, pointing at the students, who were now being fed a purple something by Fred.

"Oh honestly! I told you this morning, you can't test you rubbish on students!"

George and I both jumped when Hermione came marching over to us, her dark eyes glinting sharply.

"We're paying them!" Fred said indignantly.

"I don't care, it could be dangerous!" she cried.

"Rubbish!" Fred said dismissively.

"Yeah, look, they're coming around now," George said, pointing at the now-stirring students. Quite a few of them looked quite astonished to be flat on the floor or dangling off of their chair. Hmmm …

"You didn't tell them what they were testing on them, did you?!" I snarled, narrowing my eyes at the twins as I stalked closer. "You just let the bitsy little first years trust you because you're the popular upperclassmen who obviously know better than everyone else!

"Yeah, but it doesn't matter!" Fred said angrily. "They're alive, aren't they?"

"Yeah, but what if it's not candy you're giving them?!" I yelled. "What if it's alcohol, drugs, or something even worse!"

"You can't do this!" Hermione shrieked, surprisingly backing me up. "What if you made one of them really ill?"

"We're not going to make them ill," George said, obviously trying to keep things under control. "We've already tested them all on ourselves, this is just to see if everyone reacts the same –"

"If you don't stop," Hermione snarled, actually sounding just like I had a moment ago, "I'm going to –"

"Put us in detention?" Fred sneered in an I'd-like-to-see-you-try sort of voice.

"Make us write lines?" George smirked.

Hermione and I looked at each other and seemed to get the same idea. We smirked and drew ourselves to our full height (which wasn't much – I'm 5'2" and she's 5'5" or 5'6").

"No," I sneered before looking at Hermione again to wave my hand in an if-you'll-do-the-honors motion.

"But I will write to your mother!" Hermione said, her voice shaking in anger.

"You wouldn't!" George gasped, taking a full step away from us.

"Oh yes, I would!" Hermione said grimly. "I can't stop you eating the stupid things yourselves, but you're not giving them to first years."

With that, Hermione and I spun on our heels and marched over to where Harry and Ron were waiting for us, gaping like beached fish.

"Thanks for that," I muttered over to Hermione.

"You're quite welcome," she said a bit stiffly. "I'm just glad someone agrees with me about those two."

"Absolutely," I said as we came up on the boys.

"Uh … mind if I join you?" I asked, pointing to the empty chair I saw in front of me.

"Y-Yeah, sure," Harry stammered a bit, pointing to the seat.

I smiled and took out a roll of parchment, asking what our homework was for Potions and Defense.

"Nothing for Defense," Hermione said crisply. "You shook her up too much for her to give us any." She ignored my smirk as she continued. "Professor Snape, on the other hand, assigned us twelve inches on moonstones and their properties and uses in potion-making."

I blinked before nodding and fishing my potions book out of my bag. I was certain there were a few sections on moonstones in there somewhere …

"You're actually doing Snape's homework?!" Ron gasped in horror.

"A minimum of 'Exceeds Expectations' in NEWT Potions is required if I want to be an Auror," I said matter-of-factly. "I may not like Snape, but I do need to learn what I can from him before I go into training."

"You were serious about that, then?" Harry asked.

"Absolutely!" I said, giving him a sharp look before going back to my homework. "You'd best start on your essay. Umbridge will make us regret leaving our homework to sit, I can almost guarantee it!"

"You're still going to her detention?" Harry asked, not taking my homework advice in favor of questioning me.

I rolled my eyes and fixed him with a pretty stern look.

"Professor McGonagall said I had to," I said. "Normally, I don't like being bossed around, but I respect her so, for now, I'll do what she says. Now, quit flapping your lips and get going!"

Harry flinched before scrambling to get his homework out, obviously wanting to avoid me losing my temper with him again.

On top of our Potions homework, which was moderately easy once I had all of the information I needed, we also had an essay on giant wars from Professor Binns. That one took a while because Binns had gone all over the place with the information and I had a hard time finding it in the textbook. By the time I had only my Ancient Runes essay left, I had a small headache festering above my right ear.

"I'm heading to bed," Ron muttered, looking horribly lost as he packed his Potions essay and headed up the stairs. Harry soon followed him, looking like he knew he was going to regret it. Hermione and I stubbornly stayed put and worked together to finish our essay, with her giving me tips on what to focus on with Professor Babbling.

"She may seem to go off on tangents, but she always stays within the chapter," she said. "Just pretend you're following along in the book and take notes from there."

"Thanks, 'Mione," I groaned as I packed my now-finished Ancient Runes essay away. "I owe you one."

"Oh no, you don't," she said loftily. "That's what friends are for."

I blinked up at her in surprise.

"We're still friends?" I ask. "Even though you don't like what I've been doing today?"

"Of course we're still friends!" Hermione said, looking a bit affronted. "I mean, I don't agree with your problems with authority or your swearing problem, but you say what you mean and mean what you say! That's very rare these days, and I like that very much!"

"Th-Thanks," I said, still very surprised. "… Is it a problem, my swearing?"

"… Yes, I think it is," Hermione said quietly. "You can barely speak a whole sentence without swearing when you're in a foul mood! Yes, it can seem strong to some people, but to very important people, it just looks crass and, frankly, rather common. I don't think you want to appear that way, especially to people like your future boss or your future in-laws!"

Frankly, I didn't think anyone would be crazy enough to want to date me, let alone introduce me to their parents, but I swallowed that comment when I saw that Hermione was quite serious.

"I'm not expecting you to just kick the habit overnight," she said, "but at least try, just for one class a day, to not swear!"

"Just one class period?" I asked.

"Yes," Hermione said, nodding as if this was the best answer available. "Try … third hour. What do you have third hour?"

I quickly rattled off all my third period classes as "Ancient Runes, Care of Magical Creatures, and Herbology".

Hermione frowned a little.

"Care of Magical Creatures will be a bit difficult since we have the class with the Slytherins," she said, wincing slightly as we went upstairs to our dormitory, "but I'll be with you. If I'm worried about you swearing, I'll … um … tap you on the shoulder or something."

"… Thanks, 'Mione," I said tiredly. "Can't promise that I'll be perfect, but … I'll give it a try, I guess."

Hermione gave me a relieved smile that would have made it seem worth it if I thought I could actually kick this habit. It had been so ingrained in me to swear when I was angry or wanted to throw up a wall to hide behind that I thought I was more likely to dye my hair pink than quit swearing.

"You'll do fine," Hermione said confidently as we entered the dormitory. "I know you will."