Ikrie felt the weight of Aloy change on top of her and heard the steady calm breaths indicating the girl had fallen asleep. She sighed happily and placed her hands in those thick red tresses that were resting on her chest.
She would let her sleep for a few moments as she contemplated whether or not she had heard Aloy correctly.
"Fall for me"? Ikrie already had, if thats what had been said, it was difficult to hear the soft words beneath her own laughter.
As much as she wanted to believe that was what was being asked, she doubted Aloy was even capable of recognizing love, let alone being able to ask for it. Ikrie's notion was based on a conversation the two had over a month ago.
Shortly after giving the job of chieftain back to Aratak, Aloy happened to be going through the forest not far from Snowchants as she was searching for some ancient artefact for a collector close to Song's Edge. Aloy found her carving out some treasures from a sawtooth she had taken out as she was hunting for dinner. It had been Ikrie's good fortune that as the machine's blaze cannister exploded, a boar had been passing by and got caught up in the blast. Consequently, not only was Ikrie secured a meal, she also got to share it with the much celebrated outlander.
They sat around the fire Aloy in relative silence. Ikrie, although she felt good about sharing some company, Mailen had joined the White Teeth only a few weeks earlier. While her grief had been left in a crack in the ice, her lifelong companion was never far from her mind. Most of her own life stories had Mailen in them, it was difficult to share pieces of her past without digging into that ache again. As for Aloy, she seemed deep in thought as well, but since it was easier to ask questions than to answer them, Ikrie tried to fill the silence with probing questions about what life was like for the Nora.
She learned a few things about her friend that evening. One, the girl had a sweet tooth. Apparantly, she had been carrying Oseram chews in her pouch for days waiting for a special occasion to eat them. Aloy explained that she purchased them from an Oseram merchant whenever she was in Song's Edge but she believed he was now out of stock due to her habit. Ikrie accepted a single candy out of politeness, but no more. One of the tattoos on her body was for a person who ate a lot of sweets and it repulsed her, the thought of him and the sucking sounds he made when he was trying to coax the chewy bits out of his back teeth; the wet saliva, the smack of his lips. Thankfully, Aloy was not rude with her eating sounds, but Ikrie did find it funny how she would hum in delight after she popped one into her mouth.
Another thing she learned was Aloy's mother's name: Elisabet Sobeck. A strange foreign name, it didn't even sound Nora. Ikrie outright asked if she came from a different tribe and the girl became silent for a moment, seeming to think about how to answer before finally replying, "Yes." The conversation on her mother didn't go much further, because of course, she was raised by a man called Rost. On the topic of him, Aloy was happy to talk about the things he was able to do, survival skills he taught and the cottage they lived in the Nora Sacred Lands. The Banuk woman commented that it sounded like he loved her very much, the Nora winced and shook her head.
"He raised me because the High Matriarchs asked him to. I know he cared about me but..." then she shook her head again and then shrugged. "Growing up near the villages, sometimes I would get a glimpse of what their lives were like. I'd see things that they probably thought of as mundane, but it all looked special to me. I'd see friends laughing together around campfires...families would enter the woods together to forage for fruit and they sang songs they all knew the words and harmonies to. What I wished I didn't see were the other children, how their mothers would embrace them...The Nora revere children, they are showered with love!"
This was the third thing that Ikrie had learned, that Aloy was probably blind to what love could look like directed towards her. It would explain her discomfort with admirers, or why the girl couldn't see that Rost cared for her not only out of duty, but that he truly loved the child he had raised. However, because the man wouldn't hug her, she couldn't believe this to be true.
It had been an amusing thought though, that "Fall for Me" was being asked of her. Would the girl even be okay with being told she was loved? This was where her mind went to next. They were heavy words, and while she would be delighted if the feeling was mutual, she didn't expect it to be yet. After all, the romantic side of their relationship was barely even a day old. Perhaps it would be a cruel thing to confess ones feelings to someone just before you died; this was a very real possibility for at least one of them when they faced The Claws Beneath. On the other hand, when they were fourteen, Mailen was the first between them to declare her love. It had felt wonderful to hear because everything else in their lives at this point was horrible. Maybe if they survived, Ikrie could tell Aloy about those terrible first years after the Werak abandoned them, but definitely not tonight.
Her beloved flame-haired girl suddenly gasped and gripped Ikrie's waist as if to catch herself from falling off. Her eyes were wild as she looked up at the blonde.
"Oh no, I'm sorry I didn't mean to fall asleep!" she exclaimed. Ikrie smiled and caressed a few red strands off her face.
"It's okay, you fell asleep only a few moments ago."
Aloy frowned in confusion.
"Really?"
"Yes."
"I was only dreaming then. I dreamed I woke up and you were getting ready to leave. It was a very short dream, but I didn't get to have sex with you again. I was really sad."
Ikrie's head fell back and she couldn't help but laugh at the comment. Aloy gave a fake pout briefly but she loved the sound of the northern woman's laughter that she smirked in amusement.
"Sweet Song of my Heart," The Banuk sighed gazing into her beloved's eyes. "Trust me, I'm not letting you sleep much tonight. You are simply irresistible."
Aloy's eyes turned briefly before returning with a question.
"What does that mean?" she asked. Her mouth then latched onto Ikrie's left breast, her tongue swirled around the hardening nipple. Ikrie moaned softly, an instant heat filled her face and chest followed by a light throbbing down further. Her need, which had calmed when Aloy fell asleep was back with a vengeance. Her fingers were still in Aloy's hair, while she loved the attention to her breasts, she had an itch she needed scratching desperately and she pushed down on the other woman's head.
Aloy didn't push the question further then, she was simply happy to not have to negotiate to get to this point.
Her third attempt at this was much improved, the Nora was thrilled to discover. She tried some things she remembered Ikrie doing to her such as applying suction around her clit while licking at the same time.
"Fock yes!" the girl cried out, another Banuk expression with a meaning Aloy wasn't sure of, but in that moment as Ikrie raised her hips to grind her sex against Aloy's mouth, she knew it could only mean something good. The flame haired woman continued her ministrations for only a few moments more before she felt fingernails grip into her scalp and Ikrie's voice rise:
"Ah-ah-ah-ah" and then her voice broke into a quivering wail as her orgasm shook her. Aloy continued to lap at Ikrie's sweetness until the tremors stopped and then triumphantly, she got up and plopped herself on the furs beside the spent woman wearing a shit-eating grin.
"Tasty"
The blonde woman smiled widely, but she was clearly exhausted as she rolled to her side with half lidded eyes.
"I didn't understand how good that was supposed to feel." she admitted, her fingers lightly traced up and down Aloy's arm. "Whoever this Gaia is that you speak reverences to, tell her I thank her as well for you."
Gaia. Aloy would tell Ikrie about her sometime soon. There was so much she wanted to share, but she also wanted to know more about her Banuk lover as well, especially after that last declaration.
"I thought you and Mailen had been lovers?" she asked in confusion. "Am I mistaken?"
Ikrie's eyes winced at the mention of her former companion. She hadn't intended on talking about the darker truths about her past tonight, but as she promised herself earlier, she would deny her love nothing. Even if it meant scratching at scabs that had yet to turn into scars.
"Ye-es" she replied with an uneasy voice "and no. Mailen...had needs that I took care of, but she couldn't touch me back"
The Nora's eyes squinted as her mind tried to comprehend what that meant. Perhaps she was missing digits or had a short tongue?
"Why?" she finally asked as she grasped Ikrie's free hand and entwined their fingers together.
The blonde's eyes blanked out as though she were searching for the best way to say what she needed to. Aloy kissed her fingers, she couldn't not smile tenderly. By the blue light, and the snow, and everything else that gave one strength she loved this woman. Enough even to let her go if she wanted to run away now. She took in a breath and steeled her courage.
"I am afraid to tell you the truth Aloy but I will..." Ikrie gulped as her beloved's eyes looked between her lips and eyes with scrutiny. "even if it means you never want to touch me again."
She closed her eyes and imagined how much of the story she should share, what layers of pain she could survive telling tonight. There was the beginning of the story: the betrayal and the abandonment, the middle: the part where she nearly died or the end: the loneliness and sorrow. Because Aloy's query pertained to the middle, she decided she would start there and hoped to go no further.
"I told you Mailen suffered from nightmares. She wouldn't tell me what she dreamed, but sometimes she would cry out in her sleep; sometimes she would call out for her father or people we have known, sometimes she would wake up screaming my name. When she did, she would stare at her hands and I would know what she had remembered."
Ikrie's breath shuddered then as she struggled to not be silenced by emotion. She could feel the tears burning at the edges of her eyes as her shame reminded her of how weak she was and that Aloy was about to learn that she was unworthy. Aloy saw the tremble in her skin and felt only compassion. She pulled a blanket over top of them both and brought her body close to Ikrie's. Her hand went to her lover's back and she softly stroked.
"Is it too much?" The Nora woman asked gently. "I'm sorry. This is hurting you."
"No..." The Banuk's voice was but a whisper. "I can do it." It will be easier if you leave me now. "The truth is, that my insides have been destroyed. When Mailen looked at her hands, she was seeing my blood on them as she watched me lay dying."
Before she continued her story, she looked to Aloy's face. She could see the concern that would soon turn to judgment. She took Aloy's hand and held it against her stomach just to feel her once more before she was alone again.
"Were you attacked by a machine?" Aloy inquired. Logically, something had ripped into Ikrie, likely a sawtooth. Children alone made for easy prey.
"No. It was inside of me. A child. I was pregnant when the werak left us and we had nothing and nobody except each other. I was sick for months, and Mailen had to take care of us both. The girl came too early and I was weak...Mailen did what she had to do to save me." she couldn't stop the tears from falling now. The rest of her words came out like a poem. "The scars inside. The child died. 'Your wound is my wound' my love spoke to Ikrie. She's broken dear girl, the ice that shatters from the cavern ceiling when the warmth of summer kills all that is cold. Aloy, I am repulsive..."
Aloy's heart ached for the poor woman whose tear brimmed eyes struggled to stay open. She didn't move to wipe them away, she felt that if she let go of Ikrie's hand, she would take it as a sign that the outlander was rejecting her. Instead, she leaned over and kissed the tears on her cheeks, drinking in her salty wetness before resting their foreheads together. She sensed there was a lot more happening in the story than she was being told right now, but she definitely was not going to push it tonight. At this point in time, she was deducing that as strange as she thought the Banuk were before, they were exponentially more so now. Children were perceived as being a burden, yet, not being able to have them seemed to be a source of shame if she was reading Ikrie correctly. Furthermore, abandoning pregnant young women to the cruelty of winter was not a shame on the werak itself? She was angry, but not at Ikrie. The girl had suffered enough and at this moment, all she wanted was to comfort her.
"I don't understand Banuk customs, but I don't find you repulsive." Her lips softly brushed against Ikrie's. She moved them against her until their mouths began to motion together.
The Banuk woman was still on guard, it wasn't too late for Aloy to change her mind. She allowed her to kiss and caress her for a short while more before finally saying:
"You might yet."
Aloy tried to choose her next words carefully, and then a fitting analogy came to her she would share.
"Because part of you is forbidden?"
A shrug of shoulders was the reply.
"I've told you about some of the places I have been to, places others feared to explore. You know what? The scars of time are part of our stories and its important to accept them and to share their wisdom."
Ikrie's eyes clutched together briefly. Aloy's point she understood was meant to be serious, but she couldn't help but seek the humor in it as well. It gave her an excuse to let go of the tension she had been building up in sharing her wound with the girl.
"Ha-ha, I am an ancient cavern of mysteries" she forced herself to laugh on. The red head grimaced. That's not what she meant at all, but she could see it was part of Ikrie's defense mechanism: Smile when you're sad, laugh instead of cry. She didn't see the sense in commenting on the woman's assessment, instead she tried something different. She ran with the joke.
"Sure" Aloy began as she let go of Ikrie's hand and put it on her side. She began stroking her wounded lover's hips. "And I should go explore it then. I've been known to find treasures."
The blonde looked seriously then at the freckled face smirking tenderly towards her. The cruel voice inside of her cried out "Yes! Let her know what a monster you are!" while a softer, kinder voice, the one saved for sparing prey when she learned they had young or the one who refused to let Ikrie leave Mailen to die on the glacier, that voice also cried out "Yes! Trust her!"
"Yes." She said out loud as her heart began to beat fast both out of terror and excitement.
They took their time together. Aloy was cautious and checked in with Ikrie, making sure she was present and comfortable every step of the way. The redhaired woman once again loved her with her mouth her before attempting to enter and after, Ikrie lay atop Aloy's chest feeling perplexed in their embrace.
It was wrong.
Not being made love to, but everything she thought was going on inside of her.
After giving birth, she experienced pain in her womb for months. Because she had bled so much during the delivery, at some point she blacked out. When she awoke days later, Mailen was in tears, still trying to wash the blood out of her clothes. She knew her companion had to create more damage inside to stem the bleeding, so much so that when they finally began to share warmth together, Mailen was afraid to reciprocate the affection.
When Aloy entered, first with a single digit, and then a second, she said she wasn't sure what she damage should feel like. Ikrie had to be honest, she didn't know what it would feel like either; probably like jagged, poorly healed scars.
What Aloy claimed to feel other than heat and softness were a few bumpy textures. It didn't hurt like she imagined it would either, but she could feel Aloy inside her carefully exploring. Those fingers were still within when she put her mouth back onto Ikrie, and when she climaxed, she could feel her walls quiver up against them.
How? She was supposed to be dead inside. This is why it was an easy choice to live the rest of her days alone; it would be much easier than having to see the look of disgust towards her on the face of someone she loved. Again.
Her ruminating was interrupted by Aloy rubbing her back and sighing.
"'Krie?" she asked, uncertain if the Banuk woman was still awake.
Ikrie smiled as the pain in her chest was swept out and joy put in its place. She looked up, her chin rested in the valley between Aloy's breasts. She said nothing, and merely looked upon that precious face and wondered how she could possibly contain the words her heart longed to say much longer.
"Thank you for trusting me." Aloy continued. Her eyes became large then before she winced suddenly as though she had been struck by a sudden pain. "Thank you...for everything."
There was a sadness in her beloved orbs, Ikrie could recognize. She climbed up Aloy's body and then lay next to her so that they faced one another. Hands clasped together and fingers interlocked. Aloy blinked quickly as emotions threatened to make her cry.
"Aloy?"
The Nora's jaw opened as if to release words, and instead an impotent gasp fell out and she closed her mouth again. This strong and noble woman was trying to deny her own feelings, it made Ikrie want to help her any way she could, even if it was something uncomfortable for the both of them.
"Tell me" she implored with a barely audible voice. Aloy tried to smile and she nodded before she took one more breath and shared.
"I don't have language for...this...my chest, it aches, yet...it brims with joy. Especially when I look at you. It feels like the end of the journey, and I've found something precious that I didn't even know I was looking for. I don't know what this is..."
Ikrie's lips formed an O shape, as it struck her that perhaps her feelings were not one sided after all. A snowsquall of bliss covered her, filled her and made her pure as untouched snow; she was again one with the land and nature, not apart from it as is the destiny of those who choose to be ghosts. Her love to be given and received. She squeezed the hand within her own, hers whom she would stand next to, never alone again.
"My Aloy" her voice was reverent as a prayer, "My heart, my joy, my love."
In their hands she felt Ikrie's gentle strength, in her words, she felt truth. That elusive word she couldn't figure out, it was real, it was the woman beside her now.
"Love" she stated simply, tasting the word, letting it make sense of the sandstorm of confusing emotions within her.
"Love" she said again, and the mysteries she couldn't see before her became clearer as the dust of the storm calmed down.
"I do."
Outside, the warmth of the changing seasons was slowly melting the snow. The moon was large and brilliantly bright as it made it's voyage across the sky. It made for a good night for travellers who journeyed far and wide because victory was coming, and new songs would be sung around the fires of Ban-Ur soon enough. But these things didn't matter within the great lodge at Snowchants Hunting grounds.
Ikrie and Aloy loved again, united in the knowledge that their hearts were one. In the end, their bodies were spent and they lay wrapped in each others arms as sleep beckoned them. Yet, as Aloy closed her eyes, just as the first time she had said it, she couldn't stop. Her last words before she succumbed to slumber:
"I love you,"
"I love you"
"I love you."
