Chapter 9

Over the next few days, Luke procured me a knife. Many of the people had carved their own unique contribution into the hilt for me. It was a beautiful gift, indeed, and I was touched. I finished weaving my sheath, under the instruction of my fellow weavers to ensure it was strong and suitable, and they helped me fashion a hip sling to carry it securely. The torso sling was, understandably, awkward for the women. Jake and his hunters did not need to go out every day what with the bountiful hunt from the previous several days, and so I saw more of Jake over those days than I had since Luke had been away at the lab. We had good times for the most part, all three of us going out into the forest together and scouting around, expanding my knowledge of the language, the various plants and names, and laughing and joking with each other while we did. Occasionally I felt a slight tension between the two men, but it never came out into the open as it had the day Jake had ordered Luke to go. I tried not to let it bother me. It was between them to figure it out, I decided.

Jake soon had to go and accompany the hunt again as our food supplies were consumed, and I found I missed his absence when he was away, suddenly. Luke did not, although he did try harder to be friendly with Jake at mealtimes, once Jake was no longer spending whole days with us.

At the end of that week, or probably about seven days after I had first held the knife, I guessed, after a particularly grueling day of riding out to different sites with Luke and practicing throws and knife handling as well as plenty of fruit gathering with the elder women and practice with the harder aspects of Na'vi sentence structure, I decided to retire early to my hollow, nabbing some food and bringing it with me away from the main crowd. Luke had offered to accompany me and although I had been tempted, I declined. I needed the time away to recharge a little, and he understood. I ate in relative peace and sat in solitude when I was done, letting my stomach work on my freshly eaten meal and closing my eyes to steady my soul. It was my own form of meditation, and it had been awhile since I had practiced it. A very long while. I had lost touch with myself, somewhere back on Earth, and now I found that I was finding myself again, piece by piece, here on this planet. I was feeling peaceful and calm when I heard a thumping of feet coming closer. I kept my eyes closed, feeling just a little grim that Luke would be interrupting me now, but only just. I enjoyed Luke's company greatly and would greet him gladly…in just a moment. I sensed through my closed eyelids that the man had come to the door, as his body blocked the dim firelight from filtering through. I opened my eyes, prepared to meet Luke and see what was on his mind. It was Jake. He was standing half in the doorway, a hand on the trunk's edge, as if wary of interrupting my reverie.

"Kaltxi, ma Jenna," he rumbled. I had to admit, I really loved the way the language rumbled in his chest and rolled off his tongue. I had been missing him, these past few days, and something swirled in my middle. It had nothing to do with dinner.

"Kaltxi, Jake," I greeted. I knew "ma" was a form of endearment, but I wasn't ready to say that much to Jake. I would have meant it, but was afraid of what it would mean if said aloud. Jake didn't seem dismayed by its absence. "Come in," I invited, and he complied, stepping inside and leaning back against the wall of the trunk.

"You've had a busy day, today," he said genially. It was true, and I wasn't surprised he had known it. He was a very good leader, and kept good tabs on his clansmen and women. I nodded my agreement and smiled up at him. "How's the knife work going? You've gotten used to your new one, by now?"

"Yes. I didn't realize what a big difference size and shape makes, but this one really seems to suit me, I think." I laid a hand across my sheathed knife, laying on the floor next to my mat. I really had come to like the tool, amazingly enough. "I feel like I'm finally gaining some headway over the panic attacks. I can usually stave them off, now," I told him, pleased with my progress, and quite pleased he had asked. Interrupted I may have been, but I found I didn't mind it at all.

Jake smiled and sighed. He nodded at my knife. "That was one of my first. It's a good blade."

"This was yours?" I exclaimed, pulling the knife from the sheath and examining it again, new appreciation for it dawning in my heart.

"It's been remade, for you. But yes, the blade was mine." He paused and I noticed him shifting a little against the wall as I kept silent. "Never had a sheath so nice, though. My weaving was awful," he said with a low chuckle. I just held the knife dearly with both hands, one around the hilt, one gently on the blade itself. Finally, I looked up at Jake's face.

"Jake," I half whispered at the man in silhouette, who just stood quietly, letting me speak. "It was you who gave me the courage to throw that knife. Just…hmmm, the feel of you…right there, pressed up against me."

"You were sexy as hell, throwing that knife, Jenna. Putting aside your fear like that." He sighed long and loud, his eyes intent and fixed on mine.

I resheathed the blade and stood up. Jake was already stepping toward me. He reached for my face as I reached for his hips. We collided in a passionate kiss, and as I felt his tongue against mine, I realized just exactly how much I had wanted to kiss him again. It was a lot. I was just remembering that Jake had said we couldn't do this again when he pressed his body against mine. Ohhh…hell…yes. I grabbed his hips and wrenched them roughly against me, making Jake gasp and letting a soft groan escape my own throat as his mouth let go of mine momentarily. He pressed against me harder, moving me back into the shadows.

I felt his fingers plucking at the strings holding my loincloth on my hips as we kept kissing, rapidly losing our sense of place. Just as my fingers had worked their way inside the lining of Jake's own loincloth, I heard a voice calling me from a short distance away. It sounded like Luke. Jake had heard it too and he pulled his face from mine as I pulled my fingers out of, well, what served for his pants. He licked his lips, swallowing hard, panting hard, as he glanced around in the direction of the voice, then back at me. I was alarmed, as was Jake, and we hurriedly pulled away from each other. Jake cast one more glance toward the voice, hastily grabbed my cheeks in his hands and gave me one more kiss, tender and full, the sweetest and most sincere apology in his eyes. He turned like a spooked animal then, and bounded out the door with only a slight stumble as he yanked his cloth straight again.

I saw the flicker of a man's shadow and heard Luke's voice, just outside. "Jake! Hey, man, everything okay?"

I saw Jake pause for just a single step, glancing over at his fellow man. "Oh, yeah, fine, I'll talk to you tomorrow, alright?" And he was off again, his footsteps softly fading into silence. I snapped to and quickly twisted the ties of my loincloth together, figuring that retying them when Luke came in would probably be a bit too obvious. He poked his head around the corner just as I was settling back down on the ground, trying to calm myself.

"Hey Jenna, sorry to disturb you so late…" he looked genuinely apologetic. I wondered what his face would have looked like if he had happened to come by with less announcement.

"It's alright Luke, what's up?"

"Well, I just got a report back from the first spot we laced with those insects…the lab guys say they're working! I'm gonna go and check it out tomorrow and wondered if you were up for another ride? I know today was a long day," he finished, his enthusiasm waning a little as I hesitated.

"Uh, Luke, I'm really spent tonight. Can I decide in the morning?"

"Oh, that's fine Jenna. I'm sorry to spring it on you like this." He lingered still in the doorway. "You alright? You look a little tense." He glanced back over his shoulder in the direction Jake had gone. Then back at me. He was a very intelligent man. It wasn't going to take him long to put two and two together if I stayed quiet too long. If he hadn't already, that is. And I still resisted telling him whatever was or was not developing between Jake and me. How could I tell him something I didn't even know myself?

"No, I'm fine. Really. I just need to see Jake first thing in the morning, that's all," I said, in what I hoped was a convincing enough tone. It was true after all…I needed to speak to Jake and figure out what this was between us. We seemed to have been doing a fine job being friendly with each other, despite the poignant attraction I still felt toward the man. This, tonight…well, it was certainly not just friendly flirting, on either of our parts, that was for sure.

"Okay," Luke said lightly, his voice telling me he wasn't totally convinced, but he smiled easily enough and bid me good night. I rushed to tell him I was glad the insects were working and he smiled a little more warmly before he turned and pounded away, himself.

I sat back down, my mind awhirl. I could still taste Jake on my lips and feel his fingers running down my body. I was pretty sure what that first part had been about…but what was that last kiss? It was tender. Dare I say it? It was…loving. Longing. I'd be kidding myself if I said I hadn't kissed him back in kind. I laid down and tried to quiet my mind. It was going to be a restless night.

When I woke the next morning, I was surprised to find the sun had not fully risen yet. It was early for me. With my purpose in mind, though, I roused myself quickly and headed out to find Jake. I knew he rose early too, so maybe this was fortuitous. I wandered off in the direction he often bounded toward when he was retiring for the night, hoping to spy him up and about. I strode across the clearing, weaving from side to side a bit, searching and peering about casually. At a bit of a loss and running out of ground as I neared the opposite end of the clearing without any sign of Jake, I stopped and looked around more obviously, still trying to be casual.

Jake was on the floor in his own hollow, adjusting his garments and getting ready for the day when he spied me. He stared for a moment, but I didn't see him until he called out softly into the new light. "Jenna?"

I whirled in his direction. Oh, thank Eywa, I thought. I didn't have to keep wandering aimlessly. I made my way over to his hollow, standing in his doorway as he had done last night in mine. "Hi, good morning," I stammered quietly.

He sat at the ground looking up at me, waiting for more. "…are you alright?" How could he even ask such a thing? I frowned in misery and invited myself in.

"No," I burbled and slunk down next to him, desperate for an explanation. He scooted aside and gave me room to join him on the mat, turning to face me attentively. "Jake, last night…what was that? What would it have been…if Luke…?" He reached out and held my arms, stroking them lightly up and down. He sighed deeply and was quiet for a moment. I waited for him.

"That…Jenna…was me…falling for you." His gaze fell to the ground between our crossed ankles, and he sighed deeply again. It seemed even an endless sigh still wouldn't do to release what Jake was feeling.

"Oh," I whispered in a tiny exhalation. I hadn't expected that. It scared me a little to hear him say it, and if I was honest with myself, it was because I was starting to feel the same way toward Jake. I wasn't ready to admit that, though, because I couldn't see a solution where the Oloeyktan of this mighty tribe would or could be bound to an inept interloper, some random human who had managed to get stuck in someone else's avatar, who couldn't even speak his language properly, who even balked at hunting and would probably always be afraid of handling a knife, just a little bit. What was Jake doing, falling in love with me?

I stared at the ground, too, just thinking and feeling. I didn't know what to do. I settled on telling him the truth.

"Jake, I…I care about you. So much. You're an incredible man, and I just…I love the times we spend together. All of them. I really do have a lot of feelings for you, Jake…" I was babbling, trying not to tell him that I wasn't ready to say that I did, in fact, love him. Maybe that was a hint that I didn't really, not yet. But I didn't want to say that to him, either. "Oh, this isn't coming out right at all," I mumbled. Jake looked up at me, a sympathetic sad smile on his face. He just couldn't stop caring, could he? And I couldn't either. I didn't want to. What I really wanted was to let the feelings I had in my heart for this man grow into the wild passions they were capable of. I wanted so badly to love him, without question. Why couldn't I just be happy to be alive and finding a place with the Omaticaya? I reached out to hold his face in my hand and stroked his cheek gently with my thumb. I willed him to understand, to forgive me my bumblings and uncertainty. He sighed and closed his eyes.

When he opened them again, they held a question. "Jenna, would you let me kiss you again? Can we finish our kiss?" I was almost ready to shout out that I loved him, then, always had and always would.

Instead, my heart melting at his request, I managed in a weak whisper, "Yes. I would like that. Very much." Jake rolled forward and crawled over on top of me on hands and knees so I had to lean back, bracing against the ground. His lips met mine and he kissed me gently, the tip of his tongue just brushing my lips as his jaws moved slowly with mine. As our intensity slowly grew, he scooted a little further forward over me, running a hand behind my back and stroking down my side. I felt his fingers begin pulling at my strings again but before I could register the implications, Jake pulled his face away from mine, just for a moment, cleared his throat, and moved his hand firmly back around behind me. He intended this to be a kiss, only.

I reached for his lips, reengaging his jaws and he accepted. My arms were starting to shake, holding me up in a rather precarious position behind me, so I slowly leaned back down onto my elbows, trying to pull Jake down with me. The arm behind my back took a firmer hold and he came with me, lowering me down. I tested his hold; I reached one arm up and over his shoulders, stroking his tightened muscles, feeling into the creases and bulges. His hold was secure. He sighed and laid me down fully on my back, his arm still pinned underneath me, quite possibly on purpose, while his other held his bulk up off of my chest. I felt his hips settle on top of me, though, and his legs intertwine with mine. Still we kissed, slowly. Our intensity gradually increased again, and he ground his hips against me, just once, before he pulled away again, panting, and halting his body's disobedience. He had impressive control, I had to admit. I could feel him very intimately through the thin cloth. He had me pinned underneath him and I was ready to let him have whatever he wanted, though I was fighting the urge to writhe back against him. I knew he was trying to keep his composure, and I didn't want to make it harder for him. Again, I reached for his mouth and he complied, nestling back into me.

We kissed for a little while longer until we were spending more time gazing at each other than actually lip locked. Jake slid off of me to one side, carefully extracting his pinned arm. I sighed as he slid off of me, regretting just a little his iron control, and a little ashamed at my own lack thereof. I sat up and Jake followed suit. I leaned over to him and rested my forehead against his temple, one arm slung around his back.

"Jake, where does this leave us?" I asked him in a quiet voice. He clearly did not want to act on whatever feelings he had for me…or act more than he had already.

"I don't know," he replied, idly fingering my braided locks. I was silent for a moment. But just a moment.

"Friends, still, I hope?" His fingers paused and I felt his cheek smile a little. He pulled his head around to face me and I saw the pensive smile he wore.

"Yes," he said simply. It wasn't completely true, and I knew it. Jake's expression told me he knew it, too, but whatever else was going on, I feared losing his friendship. I would have to take whatever Jake was willing to give.

We got up together, dusting ourselves off a bit, straightening our garments. As little material as there was to the loincloths, I was really amazed how well it covered Jake's still-rigid anatomy.

"You know, that's really very impressive," I said in a low voice, nodding at his loincloth in an effort to make good on the 'friends' offer. He grinned a wicked half-smile, baring his fangs and tilting his head. Oh yes, he knew the effect it had.

"Hell yeah," he replied, with an "of course" kind of tone. I laughed and blushed, realizing my faux pas, but of course it wasn't a terribly inaccurate one.

"No, I meant…the cloth. Covers things pretty impressively," I chortled, embarrassed, but tickled at Jake's response. Jake grinned wider and glanced down at himself, pulling the loose hanging flap aside and letting it fall into place again. I caught a glimpse of him pressed tight against the cloth underneath there. "Looks like the flap is the key," I said, still trying to overcome my chuckles.

"Yeah, it does the job," he rumbled. Damn, I loved that rumble.

The sun was fully risen by that point, and probably had been for at least half an hour, though of course we hadn't been aware of its ascent. It was time to get back to the normal routine of the day.

"I'd better go…" I almost said, 'to find Luke', but thought better of it. Jake nodded. He had his own duties for the day, himself, and he had already been held up enough. I walked back over to him and planted a gentle kiss on his cheek, smiling warmly as I turned again to go start my day. He smiled and looked genuinely touched. A few steps outside his door, I turned to look back. He was still watching me go, still smiling. I gave him a big grin and turned again, bounding lightly across the ground and out of sight. I didn't know exactly what the status between me and Jake was or would become, but I felt good for the time being and decided to roll with it.

I was headed back to my hollow to gather my belongings when I thought of Luke. He had wanted me to go somewhere with him today. I considered, and thought I might, when I just happened to lick my lip and taste Jake's saliva, drying on my mouth. I halted, realizing Luke would smell Jake all over me. Still unwilling to incite any kind of jealousy, I detoured to the river to scrub quickly before heading back to my hollow. It was still very early. I had plenty of time.

I met Luke at breakfast and told him I would accompany him on the ride. He broke into a wide grin and I was genuinely pleased to face spending the day in the man's charming company. We went out shortly after the meal and were gone all day. It was fascinating to finally see the bugs at work. They were clearly very efficient at degrading the metal into fine powdery minerals. Luke took several samples, metal powder and insects, to analyze back at the lab, and made tons of general notes, observing the pattern of degradation, colony locations, and the like. It was exciting to see such hard work finally paying off, and to see him so thrilled with it fueled my own elation. He may have been a very dedicated, serious scientist, but he was not the stuffy sort to hide away his feelings. He let them show, freely and clearly. I loved his spirit and laughed with him as he threw his fists to the sky and danced in place as we saw the evidence of his hard work coming to fruition. We rode to several different sites that day, observing the patterns between findings. The type of metal counted a great deal in the bugs' ability to degrade it, as expected, but all of the sites showed very promising signs. Time would tell if there was a limit to how much could be broken down. We rode back in high spirits, laughing and joking, discussing the research, the possibilities, the future…and our futures.

"What do you really think about doing, here, Jenna? I mean long term," Luke asked eventually, curious and jovial.

"You know, I really don't know. I've been here for, what, five weeks? Six weeks? And I'm still just kind of living from day to day. I mean, I want to contribute to the clan, learn to hunt, learn the language, but as far as long term goals and aspirations…" I shrugged, not knowing where I was going with it. Thoughts of Jake crossed my mind, but they seemed terribly impractical and inappropriate. I dampened them with thoughts of Luke…but that only led to confusion, and a hint of guilt. I thought of getting older, becoming one amidst the elder women, weaving my baskets and bowls but alone and bitter, instead of happily satisfied with life. It made me sad. Trying to quell the sadness and unease I felt about my future, I piped up with the first thought to come to me. "Maybe I'll try traveling. There's a lot to this world we haven't seen, maybe I could do some exploring. The lab people want to do that, don't they? I could probably be useful to them on a trek like that." I hadn't been back to see them at all but Luke spoke of them often enough, and I knew that they were indeed contemplating exploring other regions. I had gotten the impression, also, that they no longer were terribly concerned about sampling my cerebral fluid or anything else. Luke had gone to great lengths to put my mind at ease about that and I was beginning to trust him on that.

As the offhand thought of travel blossomed in my mind, I realized it would mean leaving both Jake and Luke behind. Jake could not just up and leave his clan, nor would he, and Luke, although he carried fewer responsibilities to the clan than Jake, would likely not be willing to just drop his research and leave with me, either. His work was important to everyone on Pandora, and he felt that responsibility very deeply.

Luke was quiet for a moment. Then, "Yeah, they're thinking of it. Trying to gather some info from the satellites we still have up there, seek out other climates." He didn't sound terribly enthused. I didn't think he would. But it would solve the growing dilemma I was feeling, bouncing between the two men in my heart, to up and leave and let my heated emotions cool for awhile. And perhaps theirs. "You know, I don't want you to leave, Jenna. Even temporarily. I don't want you to go." His tone was low and calm. I looked over at him as we rode along and found him gazing at me with a small smile. He would never deny me going if I wanted to go, but the truth was…I didn't want to leave him, either. I smiled kindly back at him.

"I know, Luke. I don't really want to go, either. I just…I think about my future here, and it's hard to imagine. It's hard to see. Like it's been hidden from me, or it doesn't exist."

"Oh, Jenna, that's not true. Your arrival here was nothing short of miraculous. Eywa has touched you, honey, you have a purpose here."

His term of endearment did not go unnoticed, and as I spun back to face him, he didn't look embarrassed by it in the least. He just smiled warmly at me. I heard his words, and I even just about believed them. I didn't say to him though, that I thought my purpose may not be a good one…or maybe I had already fulfilled it. Having a purpose did not guarantee my future, and I suspected he knew it too. Luke was too quick not to think of all the angles, but he was trying to reassure me, and I let him. I did feel better, believing in the possibilities.

Later in the week, Luke asked if I would come with him on an overnight journey to reach the further test sites and scout for other wreckage along the way. It would be just the two of us, and would carry a certain amount of risk venturing forth deep into the Pandoran forests on our own, but I felt I was up for the challenge and I was secure with Luke's protective capabilities. For as much as he was the consummate researcher, he was also a remarkably talented fighter as well. The Na'vi men would frequently scuffle in good-natured play, and Luke's intelligence served him well in combat. He was a quick thinker, and could deliver frighteningly efficient strikes and blows. He was no lightweight, himself. The men didn't fight to injure each other, but I could easily see how Luke's play could turn ferocious when it needed to. Jake, I noticed, only rarely engaged in the play fighting…only when one of the young men were feeling ambitious and reckless, and had challenged the Oloeyktan into it. He never seriously injured anyone, but those fights always ended with bruises and likely a few cuts, and plenty of good natured smiles and laughs as the young upstarts recognized the mistake of their hubris. Jake's display of skill with the staff that day in the woods was only a small portion of his combative talents, and his play fighting was still quite clearly very restrained from his full capabilities. No, neither Jake nor Luke had much to fear from the wilds of Pandora, if they were on their guard.

As it was, Jake and I seemed to be getting along pretty amiably those days, which made me happy. He was friendly and we had good conversations and laughs, especially during evening times as our days wound down. He hadn't mentioned anything about the kiss we had shared, nor did he utter another word about any feelings, and I didn't bring them up either. I was still conflicted, and just too caught up in enjoying his presence to dwell on the weightier emotions that were indeed blossoming in my gut And not just for Jake.

Over the course of several days more, Luke and I planned our trip carefully. Luke's smile was charm itself, and he found occasion to use it frequently. His passion for his project seemed to be spilling over into passion between us, as well, and I was helpless to resist his appeal. He was intelligent, dedicated, focused…and when that attention was turned onto me, he left me a little breathless. He may have been a little shy in touching me with his hands, but his gaze was always steady, soft, and penetrating, all at the same time. He did funny things to me when he gazed at me with such rapt attention. It seemed to do funny things to Jake, too, when Luke looked at me, but I rather doubted they were anything as pleasant as I was feeling.

The night before Luke and I were to strike out, we parted ways shortly after dinner. Luke had to prepare his sample-collecting equipment and record-keeping tools for our early departure, so I bid him farewell and went to continue a weaving project of my own in the solitude of my hollow, our other supplies already packed away and ready to go in the morning. Jake caught me before I could reach my destination, though, calling me as I passed by.

"Jenna…"

"Kaltxi, Jake," I greeted, turning toward his voice and smiling. I was pleased to share a bit of his company before heading out for the two days with Luke.

"Kaltxi, Jenna," he replied, and smiled. He stepped close and grasped my hand, very tenderly. "Be careful out there, okay? Keep your eyes open." I nodded. "Your knife at the ready." I smiled. "Nose to the wind." I laughed.

"Jake, I know! I will be careful, I promise," I assured him. He smiled a toothy grin, his fangs glinting in the firelight. He held me with a soft gaze and I smiled back up at him for a long moment. It was the first time since we had last kissed that he had looked at me like that. "Was that all you wanted to say, Jake?" I said quietly.

Jake uttered a quiet, "ah" and dropped his gaze down to my hand, still clasped in his. He looked awkward. It was hard to see him as the mighty warrior when he was speechless like this. He looked very much the sweet lover, instead. I knew him as both. Before I could stop myself, I reached up to his chin and held him steady, stepping toward him and placing a soft kiss on his warm lips. He kissed me back and stepped backward into the shadow of the copse of trees that stood nearby, pulling me with him. I followed him, step for step, and our delicate kiss quickly blossomed into something altogether more passionate. His hands caressed my face, my ears, down my neck and my shoulders, down my waist, over my hips, and back up again as my own hands roved over his skin, enjoying the ripple of muscle as he worked my body over.

Jake pulled his mouth from mine and nibbled along my jaw, licking my neck. I gasped quietly and I felt Jake's low growl buried in my skin. His hands slid down my back, resting low on my hips, his fingers working their way under the strings of my garments. I reached around behind him, running a hand down his ripped back and cupped his tail, holding him firmly, while I wiggled my fingers, and eventually my hand, into his own loincloth. He grabbed me as my fingers curled around him. He started pressing against me, trapping my hand between us, as I squeezed every time he pulled away. Suddenly he was still and he groaned, just pressing tightly against me. I heard him mumble something against my neck.

"Jake?" I whispered.

"No," he grunted quietly, lifting his head enough to free his lips to speak more clearly. I writhed against him, frustrated. I knew I ought to be exercising some of my own willpower, but I was frustrated by Jake's tease.

"Oh, Jake…" I growled at him, squeezing him again. He moaned and buckled against me. He kissed me again, fiercely. When he came up for air, he was breathing heavily, panting hard, gasping for breath.

"It's not right, Jenna…" he breathed, fighting hard to control himself.

"It's alright, Jake…really, it is," I implored him. As determinedly friendly as I was being toward Jake, my feelings toward him had not dissipated one bit. Tell him Jenna, I said to myself. Tell him you love him. Say it, you skxawng!

But Jake was regaining control over himself already. His breaths came deeper and slower. He slid his hands back up around my waist. He pulled his pelvis away from me a little even though I still held him tightly, and he rested his forehead on my shoulder. "No, Jenna, I ca-…" he could barely form the words, but I heard the "no" in his body. It rung a deep resounding desolate chord in my heart. He cupped my neck in his hand and laid his temple against mine. "I'm sorry, Jenna. I'm really sorry."

A quiet, angry, and frustrated tear ran down my cheek, not understanding why Jake insisted on doing this. A tiny voice inside my mind chided me for the anger; it was the same voice that had shouted at me to tell him how I felt about him. I had ignored it then, and I ignored it now. But I had to let the anger go all the same…it was unjust, and I knew it. If I couldn't say the words to give Jake a reason to break through whatever his inhibitions were, then I couldn't be angry at him for it. I wanted to run, to get away from there, to rage and cry where Jake couldn't see me, but he held me firm as if he knew. He just held me there, caressing me gently, making me angry at myself for feeling such injustice toward him while he was being so caring and holding me so tenderly. He held me until I could hold him back, my hands finally giving in to the voice in my mind, forgiving him for denying me and trying to accept the situation as it was.

"I am so sorry, Jenna, " he said again, and finally let me go. I nodded, a frown battling the sad grin on my face.

"It's alright Jake. It's okay." Whatever Jake's reason for pulling away, it clearly created a very strong conflict in his own mind. I had the impression from him that he was torturing himself sufficiently on his own…he didn't need my help. We pulled away from each other and I disentangled my hand from his loincloth with a bit of difficulty, Jake grunting only slightly.

"I'll see you off in the morning?" he asked quietly after a moment.

"Yeah," I let out in a big sigh. "I'd like that." He had held me long enough to erase the pain, erase the anger and the frustration. I was saddened, but I still wanted to see his face before we left in the morning. We parted company somewhat reluctantly, and I tried to sleep. Surprisingly, I found myself drifting away pretty quickly, thoroughly spent and in need of rest, although a tear still nestled in the corner of my eye. Sometime in the night, it spilled over and trailed down my cheek. By morning, it had dried completely.

The next morning started early and there was no time for dwelling on could-have-beens from the night before. Jake was there, as promised, and he didn't try to conceal the tender kiss he planted on my cheek before we departed. Luke saw him do it, but didn't say a word. He didn't glare at Jake, he didn't even grimace. But he also wasn't smiling. Jake uttered a phrase in Na'vi to Luke, in a quiet voice. Luke nodded, his face still impassive but reassuring Jake, all the same. I had learned enough Na'vi at that point to understand what Jake had said: "Take care of her." And then he was gone, disappearing into the distance as Luke and I rode out, each on our own mounts, laden with the gear we would need for collecting samples and for camping out on our own in the harsh forest.

My mood improved even more over the course of the day, and although Luke hadn't said anything about Jake at all, his mood seemed to brighten as well as we got into our work. We rode for long stretches in between sites, only visiting two that first day. We would ride in a great sweeping circle, Luke explained, catching two more tomorrow, and scouting for additional wreckage as we rode, though we found none that first day. We talked as we moved along as we always did, stopping to rest for some food occasionally, finally deciding to make camp for the night near a river's edge shortly after the sun had set in full. There was a little grove of trees that would provide good shelter for us, and was unlikely to be along any predator's nighttime path, according to Luke, who had given the area a thorough scouting. I remarked to myself how adept Luke was out in the woods…he simply thrived out here, in his element. I saw him for who he was, that night. Luke was Na'vi first, researcher second. But his unique status in the clan meant he never had to choose one over the other, and he filled both roles completely with such easy grace.

We spoke for a long while in the dark after we had settled in, letting ourselves get sleepy, and I shivered a little against the breeze right off the water. Luke snuggled close, wrapping me in his arms, and I nestled against him, breathing in his own slightly spicy scent. I felt safe in his arms as the haze of sleep descended upon me. I sighed deeply and felt him hold me a little closer. It seemed the most natural thing in the world when he reached up and stroked my cheek softly with his knuckles during a lull in our sleepy and sporadic conversation. I laid a hand on his chest, my fingers idly tracing the line of his pecs, my mind wandering into the solitude of the night.

Luke shifted eventually and I realized at last that my fingers were getting a little personal, running over his nipples again and again. I laid my hand firmly over his ribs to keep it from misbehaving any further.

"I'm sorry, Luke," I said quickly, looking up at him and reviving a little from my near-sleep.

"No, Jenna…" he gazed down at me and smiled. "…I liked it," he said quietly. He reached his other hand around and stroked my chin, then let his fingers fall and brush lightly across my neck. I closed my eyes and sighed deeply, easily settling back into my drowsy state, yet still awake enough to feel the gentle caress. Luke's touch was amazingly soft and so steady, as was everything he did. I felt such a profound sense of peace in Luke's arms. I resumed my nipple tracing and let myself feel him. His body was solid and his breathing was deep and rhythmic, but getting ever so slightly quicker. Luke sat up suddenly, pushing me upright with him. I sat up too and turned to look at him, wondering what was up. He knelt before me and looked straight into my eyes, gently, but intently. He smiled softly at me and reached for my cheek again, leaning forward.

"Jenna," he whispered. I couldn't fathom the look in his eye. It was soft, kind, caring. It was longing, and loving, but not desperate. There was no sadness in his gaze, as I had so often seen in Jake's. I wasn't thinking much other than how inviting his lips appeared as I leaned a hand on Luke's thigh, knelt forward, and kissed him. I planted my lips delicately on his, just kissing him. It felt right. It felt natural. I wondered briefly if I was so needy from Jake leaving me cold the night before that I was kissing Luke to make up for it…but I found I was not. I genuinely wanted to kiss the man before me, and something thrilled through me telling me that I had wanted to for some time. And I was genuinely enjoying his feather soft lips stroking mine in return, his fingertips trailing against my skin like a soft breeze. Our tongues met, and he kissed me more deeply. His hands moved softly and slowly over my whole body, feeling every curve, every crease. It was deliberate, and agonizingly sensuous. Slowly, we removed each others garments until we were completely bare in front of each other, though I was never sure afterward which one of us had initiated it. Luke was beautiful, like a masculine angel. I looked him up and down as he calmly watched me do it, taking plenty of time to look at me, himself. His body could have been sculpted marble; he was a vision to behold, bathed in the moonlight.

I stood up on my knees and wiggled closer to him as he rose and did the same. We pressed ourselves together and kissed again. Luke was incredibly hard against me and yet he was easy, gentle with his hands, slow with his tongue. His body hard, his caring soft, he overwhelmed me in my tired state. Eventually, he pulled his mouth from mine, sucking my lips dry as he did so.

"Jenna, are you with me on this?" He was ready. I could feel him pulsing against my groin and I wanted him, completely. I was ready for him. But I hesitated. He had asked the question, and I so badly wanted to say yes to him…but what about Jake? Despite his constant resistance, I did love him, even if I wasn't ready to say it. And yet…with Luke in front of me, ready, willing, and completely supportive and caring… I frowned, frustrated again. I had already engaged in intimacy with Jake; wouldn't it be wrong to do so with Luke, now? I couldn't hurt Luke, not like this. I wouldn't. I pulled away a little but Luke only let me go so far. He looked askance at me, seeing my internal struggle. He cared so much. Too damn much.

"Luke, I…oh, Luke, I want to do this. But it's…it's not that simple for me…" I trailed off. Luke hauled me close to his body again and embraced me tightly. He was still pulsing rock hard against me, but his tone was steady. His body pressed against mine was a terrible tease as I willed myself to back away from him.

"I know, I understand," he whispered in my ear.

But I wrestled against him a little, trying to loosen his hold. "No, you don't…" He squeezed me tight, his sigh hissing out harshly between his teeth. I ceased my useless struggle as he seized me in his tight grasp.

"Jenna, I don't…I don't care what happened between you and Jake. I don't care…I don't want to know…" he released me only just far enough to look me in the eye. His calm expression had given way to a more pained look as he gazed at me, imploring me to understand, to believe him. I wanted to. Oh, I wanted to. He whispered so quietly to me, I could only just hear him. "If you want this…" and he thrust against me, making his intent crystal clear. I gasped, aching so badly I could taste it. "…I will give it to you." He nuzzled my face, breathing his steady hot breath down my neck. "But you have to tell me. I need you to tell me …Jenna …tonight …are you with me?"

I turned and looked deep into his beautiful eyes, his soul shining from them like twin pools of liquid gold. And I did believe him. He knew, maybe not the details, but maybe he knew enough, and he was still ready and willing, right here, right now. I was suffering, and he was offering salvation. I leaned forward and took his face in my hands, kissing his soft lips. He kissed me back and his hands held me close. I nuzzled close to his ear.

"Luke…yes."

It was all the invitation he needed. He shuddered and growled a very quiet, deep grumble, a thunderous purr deep in his chest as he surged into me and laid me down on the ground, carefully but decisively. Intense is just a word…it couldn't compare to the sensations Luke was sending through my body as we merged, his loins grinding hard against my own and his tongue licking every inch of my fevered skin he could reach. It was a delicious feeling.

Luke grunted, sighed, growled and howled as he ground against me again and again, the primal sound of his efforts mingling with my own. Sweat poured from him and trickled down his torso, down his nose, dripping onto my belly. His rapid, rhythmic breathing only faltered as he finally raised his face to the heavens, his eyes rolling upward, a sighing roar emanating from his throat. I felt the massive throb of him inside me and it catalyzed my body's ready response. Through my rapture, I could feel his tail lashing against my ankles, the heat of him consuming me inside and out.

Before the rapturous feelings could dissipate completely, Luke had pulled himself free from me, wincing a little as he did so. I gave him my best attempt at a sympathetic grin for his discomfort, still not completely in my right mind, but he only smiled wide and dipped his head down to my belly, down to my thighs, his braided hair trailing along my abdomen and his queue sliding down my side, coiling on the ground next to us. I opened my eyes wide and inhaled sharply as I realized what he intended. He opened his mouth and softly laid his lips and tongue against my delicate bits. I almost screamed in ecstasy, still extremely sensitized. I was hyper attuned to the slightest whisper of touch, and he knew it. He was kind. He was gentle. I cried out his name, a long shuddering sigh wracking my body as Luke gently licked me all around, inside and out, his tongue slow and his lips feather soft against my skin. He kept lapping until he was satisfied, then kissed me tenderly once more before lifting his face to mine again.

A tear had trickled down each of my cheeks as he had administered to me so lovingly. He crawled up over my prone body, straddling me with hands and knees spread wide. He reached my face licked the tears away, too, then kissed my lips softly. Just once. When I could open my eyes again, I peered up at my lover and found him peering back down at me with a small, sweet smile. I reached up and held his face in my palms, just gazing at him. We stared for a long time at each other like that, contemplative and reflective. Eventually, Luke sighed deeply, his breathing returning to the steady rhythmic tempo that was his norm. He leaned back on his haunches, inviting me to sit up with him. He scooted back against the trunk of a tree, arms open, inviting me in. I wouldn't have refused him for anything. I nestled into his arms again, positioned between his sturdy knees, and laid my arm across his belly, idly sweeping my fingers across his side, his sweat already beginning to dry, my head resting against his chest. Glancing down his stomach, I watched his body relax, folding back inside the pouch of loose skin that held him contained. It was not the normal human set-up, but seemed much more functional than letting things hang so loose. Much more compact when not in use, I thought in very practical fashion, the worry not having a chance yet to settle into place. I had been really astounded at how hard he had been. And he had been working it hard. No wonder he had winced when all was said and done. It had felt incredible, but must have put some serious pressure on him.

I laid a hand low on his abdomen, right above the pouch of loose skin and wonders. "Are you okay?" I inquired softly. Luke hummed and I heard the smile in his voice when he spoke.

"Yes. Ooohh, yes." I smiled against his chest and he caressed my arms, his fingertips occasionally brushing against my breast, not accidentally, I was sure. I laid against him, pensive. Luke had very simply taken control. Once he had my permission, he knew exactly what he wanted and made sure it was exactly what I wanted, too. He wasn't so much a literal hands-on kind of guy, but oh, he had worked that body. I didn't feel shame or guilt with Luke…he had somehow utterly negated those emotions. Luke was easy to be with; he was easy to love.

We talked a little bit in each others' arms as the moon rose high in the night sky. Luke never brought up the subject of love. I rather felt that he was as nervous to bring it up as I was, so we let it lie. We didn't discuss the incredible bond of tsahaylu, either. We just talked, free and easy as we always had, just wrapped in each others' embrace. I fell asleep in his arms, and though I awoke once late in the evening, sometime after the moon had set, I only shifted a little against his bare body before settling again and drifting off once more. Luke slept soundly, his arm fallen down to my lap and his head resting back against the trunk. He snored quietly and I snuggled against him, falling back to sleep with a smile and a sigh.