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wickedtomboy
Tie a Knot and Hold On
Chapter 9
"San!"
I see a flash of gold hair before I'm tackled to the floor. Little arms that can barely wrap around waist tighten their hold and I have no choice but to hug back.
"Hey, Little J." I barely gasp out due to the pressure on my ribs.
"Jamie, let Santana go. We would like for her to be able to breathe throughout dinner." Brittany's mom, Susan, says with a chuckle.
"No worries Mrs. P, I'm sure I'll find some way to get her off of me. Maybe I should call in the tickle monster?"
"No! Not the tickle monster! Brittany! Help me!" Jamie takes off upstairs and I run after her. Trying to tickle her before she's rescued by Brittany.
Screams and giggles fill the air as Jamie runs through the hallway. She makes it to Britt's door and bangs on the wood with all her might.
"Britt! She's gonna get me!"
"Here comes the tickle monster. Looking for a tickle spot. I'm gonna get all the tickles you got!"
Brittany's door swings open and Jamie dashes inside. I jump after her only to feel strong arms that can definitely wrap around my waist lift me up and toss me onto the bed. Two warm, golden hair bodies collide on top of me not a second later.
"Jamie, we captured the tickle monster!"
"Yay!"
"What should we do to her?"
"Tickle her!"
"No!" I scream, trying to cover my sides but Britt's arms are too strong. Two sets of fingers dig into my skin.
I start to move every which way, mindful of not hurting my two favorite blondes. Laughter surrounds the room as we all tumble on the bed.
"Girls! Time for dinner! Even the tickle monster needs nutrition!" Susan yells from downstairs.
"Come on, San! You get to sit next to me!" Jamie says while grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the hallway. I feel warm arms sneak around my waist to sooth my sides and a wet kiss pressed against my cheek. I turn and see Britt give me a tiny smirk as we make our way down to the delicious smelling food.
Dinner was amazing. The Pierces can always lift my spirits. John, Brittany's dad, is such a good cook. Brittany kept on sliding her foot up my calf and thigh making it very hard to concentrate. However, during dessert John asked about my plans for the future. What college's I was looking at, etc. I hate when someone asks me about the future. Especially when I feel as though I don't have one. Brittany is the only future I could ever want. But I can't see that future. I want her to be happy and take every opportunity waiting for her. I would never want to hold her back. And that's all I've been doing.
Brittany senses my change in mood and takes me up to her room after we help with the dishes.
I immediately walk over to her window and look out at the stars while she changes into her pajamas. I hear her set out some different clothes of me on her bed then the silence sets in. I don't like silence. The truth screams louder when silence is present.
"Thank for inviting me to dinner. I really love your family."
"Anytime, San. You are always welcome here. It's been a while since we've had dinner together."
Silence.
Brittany crosses the room to get closer to me. I turn and welcome her embrace. She has been so patient these past three weeks. Never pushing me to talk. Letting me cry when I need to.
"San, what's wrong?"
"I don't know, B. I don't know. We had such a great evening and then…college."
"College? Don't worry about that, San. You'll get into any school you want. Especially since you are the best cheerleader."
"No, B. It's the future that upsets me."
"Why?" She begins to rub circles on my back. I know she's trying to encourage me to keep talking. To keep opening up to her.
"Because, I…I don't see mine. I don't see my future, B. I just see myself getting worse and worse. Especially without you."
"But, that's not true, San. You will get better. I know it." I laugh bitterly.
"Brittany, I- I'm sinking so fast. It's like…like your walking through a jungle. And every turn you make. Every decision leads you closer and closer to quicksand. Then I stepped in it. And the quicksand slowly but surely captured me. Sinking me into a hole that I can't fight out of. My motivation, energy, life just left. Absorbed into this quicksand. There's a war going on inside of me, B. I can't come out due to fear. Fear, something that I always thought I would be able to beat. But I cant' beat this quicksand. You deserve someone who can. Who can beat it for you. Someone who will always open up to you. I will always be there for you. And I want a future with you. I want to kiss you under the stars, to hold you close when I see you after a long week at college, to buy an apartment with you and get into a paint fight when we decorate it. I want to find the perfect ring and see your eyes sparkle inside its diamonds. I want to have to fight for you when I have done something stupid. I want to hear the first cries and figure out how the hell do you raise a family? I want the fights, tears, and laughs that come in a lifetime and even that won't be enough time with you. But, I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to beat this. And I'm afraid I'm going to completely lose myself in it more than I already have."
Silence.
I realize how scared I really am. How I have blinded myself to it all. How suffocated my life is and has been. I can't do this anymore.
I pull myself out of Brittany's arms and sprint to the car.
