I only own Marianne! Everything else belongs to Hasbro! Playswithworms Protectobot Beginnings used as their pasts.
Valentines' Day belongs to Linkin Park; What Can I Say belongs to Carrie Underwood; Not a Day Goes By belongs to Lonestar; Travelin' Soldier belongs to Dixie Chicks
100% true AN: I have actually been abandoned, recently (8/9/16), by the person who adopted me, and is my legal guardian as I am an adult child (Autism is a neuro-developmental disability, meaning a mental disorder). I cannot take care of myself, so Stacy has stepped in for the next few days. I am now at the mercy of abusive and negligent people, who have barely registered that I need Rescue Bots to sleep at night, or WiFi so I can talk to what little friends I have on this site. I don't know what I am going to do. If things get bad, I may have to find a group home for myself, because I have nowhere else to go. I am one step closer to an official diagnosis of PTSD as well. If anything, this has made the Complex PTSD worse. I am not sure where to turn, or what I will do next, but I refuse to give up. I am, after all, a survivor.
~Bonds, Hot Spot~
~Bonds, Blades~
~Bonds, First Aid~
~Bonds, Groove~
~Bonds, Streetwise~
~Bonds, Marianne/Mariposa~
"Normal"
'Thoughts'
"Comms or phone, other side"
"Bumblebee, Tones"
"Bumblebee, Comms"
"Bumblebee, Radio"
Medic Beginning
2:00 pm
I walk over in bot form and push the door open before looking around for my older brother. "Aid?"
He looks up from the scanner he's holding before turning to me from this side of the furthest medical berth. "You're done already?"
I shrug. "It doesn't take long when you have five sets of hands working on the same thing." I walk over to the berth, and find a rather sorry-looking, torn apart version of Ratchet. "Oh…" I glance up to him. "You okay, Aid? I-I can—"
"You're not trained yet. I'll be fine."
"At least take a break and get some energon." I glance back at the frame before looking up at him. "You knew him personally. I didn't. Go ahead and take a break. I won't hurt him in the time it takes you to get a cube."
"Mari…"
~I can tell you're not okay, Aid.~
~I miss having him around, Mari.~ He sighs. ~I'm not supposed to be the CMO, he is… It's his title, his position—~
I step over and lay a hand on his shoulder. ~And he wouldn't have passed it to you if you didn't deserve it just as much as he does. You'll get the chance to give it back, but until then… You set the tone. Now, get some energon and pull yourself together. I'll be fine.~ I glance over to the frame. ~Besides, you don't know how deeply I care for him, either. You only know the surface—the reactions.~ I turn away and rest one arm above my other elbow, my doorwings falling toward the ground. ~Before today, you didn't know I hid in the shadows beside the movie theater and cried for the first time after losing my mother because they killed him off. You didn't know I've spent the last two years in anguish if anyone mentions Lockdown. You didn't know that, every time I thought of the mech, I wanted to end him, even though he was already gone. You didn't know I only started liking neon green because of his memory—it's one of my favorite shirts now.~ I sigh softly. ~Before today, you didn't know, that I can't listen to Linkin Park's Final Masquerade, Powerless, Castle of Glass, or Waiting for the End without seeing the movie in my mind, hearing Lockdown's voice, or crying my spark out in grief.~ I look down before queuing up a song—Valentine's Day, by Linkin Park. I can't sing right without the music sometimes, and it's frustrating. ~And this one, right now, is spark-wrenching…~ I start to sing along.
My insides all turned to ash, so slow
And blew away as I collapsed, so cold
A black wind took them away, from sight
And held the darkness over day, that night
And the clouds above move closer
Looking so dissatisfied
But the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing
I used to be my own protection, but not now
Cause my path has lost direction, somehow
A black wind took you away, from sight
And held the darkness over day, that night
And the clouds above move closer
Looking so dissatisfied
And the ground below grew colder
As they put you down inside
But the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing
So now you're gone, and I was wrong
I never knew what it was like, to be alone
On a Valentine's Day
I leave the rest of the song playing, and turn to him before laying a hand on his shoulder. I'm grateful for my autism right now, because even though I'm near tears, I'm able to keep it together for Aid. ~We're both grieving, Aid. I promise, on my honor as the Star Healer, that I won't let anyone hurt him, and I won't do anything to ruin our chances of bringing him back.~ I sigh softly. ~And Aid…~
~Yeah?~
~Let Spot and the others in. Don't push them away because of your pain.~
~You pushed us out of yours…~
~I don't know what to think right now, Aid. That's all.~ I wave a hand toward the remains of the green medic on the far berth. ~I know I love him—that's not up for question—I just don't know how I love him…~
He gives me a confused look. ~Meaning?~
~Before my mother died, I looked at him as a father-figure—anything else was frowned upon.~ I glance back up to him. ~But now… I don't know if it's changed to a romantic love, but I've been getting…signs, that it might have. He just…slipped in, Aid… And now he's gone…~
~Like Sunstreaker did when my brothers were missing…~
~Right. He made a seriously crappy time more bearable. I wasn't getting any palpable love from anyone, but I was still able to feel love, even after the hell two years ago—I could still feel—I wasn't numb because of my trauma—because I felt something for who I used to believe was just a movie character. Watching him fall…~
~Must have felt like having your spark torn out.~
~Hi, Groove. Yes. Hence the sobbing beside the theater after the movie ended, both times I went to see it.~ I step over to the frame and lay my hand on his. ~ Piercing words/eyes of red/watched your tail lights in the rain/empty heart filled with regret/I know we were both to blame. And I'm not sorry that it's over/but for the way we let it end/so I said all I had to say/in letters that I threw away.~ Aid leaves the med-bay to give me some time, leaving me alone with the frame. I continue the song through the bond, but start singing out loud as well to fill the otherwise palpable silence.
And you should know, please believe me
I've picked up the phone a thousand times
And tried to dial your number
But it's been so long, it's never easy
It's like trying to spin the world the other way
What can I say?
How did it come to this?
I think about you all the time
It's no excuse
But I wish that I never made you cry
I'm not sorry that it's over
But for the way we let it end
I couldn't find the words to say
And you should know, please believe me
I've picked up the phone a thousand times
And tried to dial your number
But it's been so long, it's never easy
It's like trying to spin the world the other way
So what can I say?
What can I say?
What can I say?
I hate to think all you had of me
(I said all I had to say)
Is a memory I left you,
Space between what was mean to be
(In letters I threw away)
And the mess that it turned into
And you should know, please believe me
I've picked up the phone a thousand times
And tried to dial your number
But it's been so long, it's never easy
It's like trying to spin the world the other way
It's like trying to spin the world the other way
What can I say?
What can I say?
What can I say?
I sigh softly before running a hand over the damaged head, then lay a hand on his. "When we get you back, Big Guy, I'll fight for you. No matter what happens, if it comes down to it, I'll fight for you, and I'll fight for Defensor, even though I hate to fight, because I'll only fight for what I love." I run my finger over the damage from KSI as a soft sob finally breaks free. "Oh, Ratch!" I can't stop the tears, let alone keep my emotion out of the bond, so I know the others will be here soon. "Primus… Why… Why take him from us? We weren't ready…" A lone tear lands on Ratchet's hand as I lift it. "I wasn't ready…"
I can sense my brothers nearby, but I'm not worried for once, if someone hears me. They won't interrupt me like Briar would, or cuss me out like Aaron would. They're just…listening.
Got a picture of you I carry in my heart
Close my eyes to see it when the world gets dark
Got a memory of you I carry in my soul
I wrap it close around me when the nights get cold
If you asked me how I'm doin' I'd say just fine
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by
I still wait for the phone in the middle of the night
Thinkin' you might call me if your dreams don't turn out right
And it still amazes me that I lie here in the dark
Wishin' you were next to me, with your head against my heart
If you asked me how I'm doing I'd say just fine
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by
Minutes turn to hours, and the hours to days
Seems it's been forever that I've felt this way
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by
~You okay?~
~I will be…~ I sigh over the bond. ~Not a meltdown, Spot. Just… Finally letting the grief I've carried for two years flow. I'd had to hide it before, so no one would think the death of my mother—which I'd been expecting, and accepted beforehand—was why I was crying, when it would have really been a certain neon green medic.~ I sigh softly through the bond. ~I cried, Spot… I cried for him… I cried for Aid, even though I didn't know he was on Earth… I cried for Optimus… I cried for Bumblebee, cause he'll never talk again… Now…~ I sigh heavily through the bond. ~Now I'm waiting for him… I'm waiting for the love of a traveling soldier…~ I smile down at the offline frame sadly. "I'm waiting for you, Ratch… I'll wait forever if I have to." I smile sadly and start to sing.
Two days past eighteen
He was waitin' for the bus in his army greens
Sat down in a booth a cafe' there
Gave his order to the girl with a bow in her hair
He's a little shy so she gives him a smile
And he said would you mind sittin' down for a while
And talkin' to me I'm feelin' a little low
She said I'm off in an hour and I know where we can go
So they went down and they sat on the pier
He said I bet you got a boyfriend but I don't care
I've got no one to send a letter to
Would you mind if I sent one back here to you?
I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Our love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone
When the letter says a soldier's comin' home
So the letters came
From an army camp
In California then Vietnam
And he told her of his heart
It might be love
And all of the things he was so scared of
He said when it's gettin kinda rough over here
I think of that day sittin' down at the pier
And I close my eyes and see your pretty smile
Don't worry but I won't be able to write for a while
I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Our love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone
When the letter says a soldier's comin' home
I sigh softly before continuing softer.
One Friday night at a football game
The Lord's Prayer said and the anthem sang
A man said folks would you bow your heads
For a list of local Vietnam dead
I take a deep breath and choke back a sob. Now I'm the little girl with the bow in her hair—relatively speaking. I don't have a bow, and I don't really have hair at the moment.
Cryin' all alone under the stands
Was a piccolo player in the marching band
And one name read and nobody really cared
But a pretty little girl with a bow in her hair
I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Our love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone
When the letter says a soldier's comin'
I cried
Never gonna hold the hand of another guy
Too young for him they told her
Waitin' for the love of a travelin' soldier
Our love will never end
Waitin' for the soldier to come back again
Never more to be alone
When the letter says a soldier's comin' home
I blink before looking back at the frame in front of me. ~I think… I think I'm ready for those medic lessons now, Aid…~
~I'll be there in a minute. I still need to get some energon…~
~You were supposed to get that eight minutes ago!~
~I know, but I was worried about you.~
~I'm okay now.~ I smile sadly. ~And hopefully, I'll be okay for forever soon enough. I have you five, and I'll have Ratch too.~
~Bumblebee said Optimus would be back within the week, and that he might have some of the others with him.~
~See? Okay forever. I'll have Defensor, Optimus, and Ratchet. What else would a femme need? Family, a good job, and someone to love.~ I blink. I left Optimus out. ~And having their favorite Prime around too doesn't hurt anything…~
~What about friends?~
~I'll get those soon enough. Bee's nice, and, now that I've forgiven Drift, who knows? If Optimus brings other Autobots, I'll have the chance to make friends there, too.~
~As long as you're okay…~
~I'm fine, Groove. Spot?~
~What is it?~
~We may need you…as backup…in case something goes wrong.~
~And how would that happen?~
~Fire-based healing abilities in a closed medical bay, with an untrained person using it. She may accidentally set the medical bay on fire.~
~Thanks, Street.~ I sigh over the bond. ~That's exactly why Blades.~ I rub the back of my neck, even though they can't see me. ~Except I'm scared of fire, too, which complicates things. I want a trained professional backing me up if things go south.~ I blink. 'What does it mean when things go south…' I shrug. 'Who the frag cares? Not me!'
"Mari?"
I glance over my shoulder, having to move my doorwing when I realize it's in the way. "Aid?" I turn to him. "What did you need?"
He sets a cube on the counter before turning to me. "The next few days, we're going to see how powerful your flames are. If you really want to help with Ratchet, it'll be the easiest way. You already know about our biomechanics and anatomy, now we need to start applying it to actual patients."
"Didn't we do that with the medical exams?"
"We both know I did most of them while you read through the data-pads I gave you. Now…" He glances back over the tools on the counter before turning back to me. "Your fire can replace several tools, but not all of them. Just because something is slower, doesn't mean it's outdated."
"Learned that from Animated too." I grin. "I'm just glad to get the chance to learn. I don't care about the difficulty levels."
"Good." He glares at me half-heartedly. "I can cannibalize some of my parts and energon on the battlefield, but don't let me catch you doing that. We don't need you hurting yourself."
"You can, but I can't?"
"I have redundant systems for that very reason. We don't know about you yet." He sighs. ~Spot, we're ready to get started. Where are you?~
~On my way. Did you get your energon?~
~And a cube for Mari, just in case. She's never used her fire before.~
Spot steps in before shutting the door. He rests a hand on my shoulder and smiles down at me. ~Don't worry about a thing. I'll be right here if anything happens, and we won't let you get hurt.~ He turns to Aid. "What were the two of you talking about? I can sense the tension in here."
I rub the back of my neck. "Aid told me not to take parts from myself for others' repairs, and I was about to go off at him for doing it himself."
"Ah…" He sighs. ~We hate it when he does that too, but he has redundant systems. He can handle it better than, say, Blades could.~
~Or Ratchet?~
~Nope. He can too, but Aid was created with medic programing, and we were all created to be mostly defensive. You may be able to do that too, but we haven't gotten a full scan of your systems yet, and none of us want you doing anything that might hurt you before we have Ratchet back. We just got you, and we'd like to keep you around for a few years.~
~Besides, having Aid weigh half of what he should isn't something I want to see again…~
~I was fine, Blades. If you recall, Ratchet said the same thing when we got back.~
I turn to Spot. ~Touchy subject?~
~Yep…~ He sighs. ~We're all protective of Aid, though. After the disruptor cannon… We almost lost him, Mari. I don't think I could handle that again—not alone…~
~Don't blame ya. I understand perfectly.~ I look up at him. ~You had your gestalt, though… You still have us…~
~Our friends. Superion's vorns older than us, so they're helpful when something's too hard for me to grasp.~
~Except you took on a new member, and they're still only five.~
~Yeah…~
I lay a hand on his arm. ~Hey. Maybe they're with Optimus? Maybe they're the ones he's bringing to Earth with him?~
~Maybe…~
~Cheer up, Big Guy. I don't like seeing you this way…~ I look up at him again before huffing, then wrap my arms around him in a hug. "I don't need to see you as down as Wave can get, Spot. I just don't. It starts a whole torrent of memories from the series, and not all of them are good…" I shrug. "Some are funny, but seeing Wave upset is not my favorite part of the series, and he's prone to despair."
He nods, and laughs slightly as I step back. "You sounded like Aid for a moment there."
I shrug before nuzzling into him. I'm so glad I don't have to hide my need for closeness anymore. "I know. I may be better at disguising my compassion as something other than jerkiness or anger than anyone else, but I can't do it when I'm worried, and…" I sigh softly. "I really don't like seeing you like that."
"Got to agree with you there." He sighs before turning to Aid. "Where—"
Aid points to the corner by the door. "Try not to get in the way, but stay where you can help if anything gets set on fire."
I follow the finger before giggling. "You do realize you just told your older brother and gestalt commander to stand in the corner, right?"
Aid gives me a surprised look. "I—" He glances to where he's pointing. "Huh. I guess I did…" He laughs slightly. "I didn't mean the corner, though. Just out of the way."
"He'd certainly be "out of the way" in the corner."
"Yep." He sighs. "But I don't really want my brother in the corner."
"Good to hear."
We both turn to Hot Spot before sharing a look—and a laugh. We'd both managed to forget the mech in question was watching us. "Oops…"
Aid turns to the berth and explains, very simply, how to activate the inferno. Once I have it down, he starts pointing out places to use it—mostly on the bullet wounds right now—while he starts working on replacing armor. Really, minus the external damage and his leg, the only other problem would be his spark, which—sadly—would be my job. Without having his in the vicinity—since it was with Lockdown—Aid had to install a new chamber itself, but hopefully—key word being hopefully—we—I—can restore him to the mech he used to be. ~No pressure, huh?~
~Mari?~
~I did it again, didn't I?~
Aid turns to where I'm finishing on a fifth bullet hole. ~Yep.~ He pats my arm before returning to the armor. ~What's wrong?~
~I'm the only one who could possibly bring him back, and, even if I wouldn't know the difference between the two, if I screw up, you'll know if he's not the same Ratchet. What if I can't find the right spark—I mean, we're using a different chamber—you've already got it in, actually—and he may not be the same because of it.~
~It's a new spark chamber, Mari—never used before—and you'll do fine. I believe in you.~
~At least one of us does…~
He stops before walking around and pulling me in for a hug. ~You're doing great, even with very little training. Trust me.~
I wait until he steps back, then look at the table. ~You had to rebuild Brain's leg on your own…~
~I would have anyway. You're not trained enough to handle repairs on that level yet. I wasn't even ready for that my first day on the job.~ He sighs softly. ~Don't punish yourself for learning. You'll get there, it'll just take a while.~ He glances at Ratchet. ~Maybe I shouldn't have started you on such an important case, but I needed an extra set of hands, and Blades isn't as interested as you are.~
I shake my head. ~Don't beat yourself up just because I'm insecure.~ I sigh heavily. ~I'm just nervous. I've never even used a defibrillator outside the classroom and exam, and now I'm actually reviving a mech… It's a little nerve-wracking…~
I feel another hand on my shoulder. ~Don't be nervous. We won't let a few mistakes stop us from being here for you.~
~We messed up enough when we first joined the Autobots.~
~We weren't even supposed to be on the field the day Aid almost died.~
~We were sure we'd lose him, but he's fine now.~
~I even told you I threw myself into the blast to protect everyone inside the base.~ He sighs. ~I've even messed up in the med-bay before, early in my training. Ratchet got mad, of course, but he never let a mistake keep me from learning.~
~I stuck rocks in every data port I could reach.~
I can't help but giggle. ~Primus, Groove!~
~Don't get me started about Hot Spot's first time transforming to vehicle form.~
~Blades…~ He sighs. ~Don't get me started about the first time you were away overnight.~
~Sounds like some stories… First, what happened to Spot?~
~I…fell in a hole because I couldn't find my brakes.~
~Blades?~
~I cried like a sparkling, okay!? There was a storm, and we couldn't get back that night. The Aerialbots are jerks sometimes!~
~How old were you guys?~
~Less than a vorn.~
~You were a sparkling, Blades. Don't get embarrassed over being a baby. We all were at one point. Trust me.~
~What about you?~
~No one ever told me any, Blades, so I don't know.~ I sigh. ~Any other stories?~
~Groove's what humans call an adrenaline junky. Loved it when the Aerialbots would pull crazy stunts when he'd ride with them.~
~Street!~
~And motorcyclists don't take their lives in their own hands everyday by riding one? I expected that one… Didn't know for sure, but I expected it.~
~You okay now?~
~I am. Thanks, guys…~
~It's our job, Mari. We're your brothers.~
~And I hope it stays that way forever…~
