So, here's chapter nine! I won't be posting chapter ten for a few days, because so far, that's all I have written and I dont want to post it and then get stuck and leave it on a big hiatus. So, it'll be a few days until I post chapter ten. But, for now, here's chapter nine! Read and review!

-much love, Sonya

-xoxo-

Lucas went home and got a shower. He couldn't eat, because he had too much on his mind. He tried to get some sleep, but he kept thinking about Peyton's journals and Peyton and everything that had happened between them. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore, so he got up, grabbed the most recent journal, and started reading a page.

-xoxo-

So I am back in Tree Hill. God it has been such a long time. I came back here to try to find some peace and direction. To try to reclaim that hope that I once had. I went down to the River Court. That place meant so much to me the last couple of years that I was here. I felt him before I heard him. Lucas Scott, the love of my life. As I turned around to look at him it all came rushing back. All the love that I had ever felt for him. Over the years after the proposal and then seeing him with that woman at the book signing I had tried to push it away. It's amazing really, three years have passed since the proposal and I still love him just as much today as I did that day. He still makes my heart skip a beat. He takes my breath away. Not just because he is handsome, but because of his heart. He has such an amazing heart. Who he is as a whole just does something to me. I said hello and told him I missed him. I went to hug him and he said he was with someone. I knew that it was a possibility. But there is a difference between knowing something could happen and finding out that it actually happened. Brooke is back too. I went to pick her up at the airport tonight. Maybe just maybe, even without Luke, this place, my home, may heal me, after all, I do have my best friend back.

P.

He remembered this. He remembered going to the Rivercourt and seeing Peyton there. He remembered all the hurt that had come rushing back to him just seeing her. He remembered the anger and pain he felt when she wanted to hug him, but he pushed away. He had Lindsey. He shouldn't of cared one way or another if Peyton hugged him, because he loved Lindsey. The 

thing was that he would have cared. He would have loved to hug Peyton and touch her and kiss her again after three long years, but he had Lindsey. In reality, he should have let Peyton hug him, because it shouldn't have mattered. The problem was, it did. That was his first mistake when Peyton came back; having all these feelings after just seeing her.

Lucas flipped to another page, and read.

-xoxo-

I can not believe that that man thinks that I didn't believe in him, that I didn't care just because it wasn't about me. Since the moment that I fell in love with him, I have cared about him and believed in him. Just the nerve of him. Everything that I know about belief and faith I learned from him. He showed me how to believe in myself, to have faith in myself. He made me believe in him and have faith in him. If I lost faith at all it was because he broke his promise, the promise to always love me and to wait for me forever. I believed in him. I believed in his book. I thought he knew that. I told him when he proposed that I knew that our dreams were going to come true. How the hell can he say that it didn't matter? How can he believe after everything that we have been through that I am that selfish that I didn't care? Of course I cared. Since the moment that we got together it was never about me or him, it was always about us. Whatever happened to him happened to me and whatever happened to me happened to him. It mattered to me. Of course it mattered to me. I love him. I probably always will, but I would not have been upset if one of those damn books had hit him, preferably in the head.

P.

Lucas got so angry, that he got up and threw the journal across the room. It hit the wall with a loud smack that made him jump. He was so on edge at the moment. Then he thought the nerve of him? The nerve of her! She can say she believed in him now, but then, she didn't. It was obvious. Or was it? He could say in his mind it was obvious, but was it really, or was he making it 

up?

If Lucas was being truthful, it wasn't obvious, at all. She had been everything but not supportive of Lucas and his dreams. So why was he being so difficult?

Because it's easier to think I hate her than to tell myself the truth. That was his second mistake; making himself believe he hated, or at least didn't care for Peyton, because it was easier to hate than to love.

It also made him angry to get mad about him using her ring. It wasn't her ring. It was Lindsey's. If Peyton could have just let go, maybe Lindsey would be here with me right now. Lucas shook the thought away, because right now, he needed to find out where his heart stood with Peyton, and blaming his wedding failure on her wouldn't help.

Lucas only wanted to read a few more pages of Peyton's journal, so he thought hard about which ones he wanted to read. He decided to read what Peyton had to say about his wedding to Lindsey, so he opened up and started reading.

-xoxo-

I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can handle going into that church tomorrow and watch Luke pledge to love, honor, and cherish another woman. I still love him with all of my heart. I was devastated when he proposed to Lindsay after we kissed in my office. But I told Luke that I would sacrifice my happiness so that I can be his friend. And friends go to their friends weddings and they support them and celebrate with them. I want to do this for Luke, but God, it is just breaking my heart. I just don't want to break down in front of everyone tomorrow. I want to be strong. But Luke has always been my source of strength and somehow I just don't think I am going to feel much support from him tomorrow.

P.

Lucas felt like an idiot. His emotions were all over the place. One second he was mad, 

then he was happy and reminiscent, and then he would feel confused as to whether he loved Peyton or not. Right now, he felt bad; bad for inviting Peyton to a wedding that would obviously hurt her and bad because he didn't notice this before. He felt like everything he had done since Peyton came back to Tree Hill had hurt her. The "I have someone", the argument in her office, the post-proposal-to-Lindsey kiss, the proposal to Lindsey. He hadn't done anything to intentionally hurt her, but it had obviously hurt her a lot.

He wanted to go see Peyton, but he was afraid of the newfound information about his feelings.

Lucas Scott still loved Peyton Sawyer. It had been obvious to everyone but him, and no matter what everyone said, he pushed it aside and continued to say he loved Lindsey.

Everything was so fucked up, he didn't know what to do, and so he sat down, dumbfounded, on his couch, and started crying.

-xoxo-