I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun.
The door closed and she heard him back away from it.
Astoria bowed her head, chocolate curls falling to hide her face and the pricking warmth of her eyes. She heard a door open behind her.
"Astoria? What was that?"
Astoria blinked rapidly and cleared her throat, backing away from the door lest he hear. "N-nothing. Just… A friend."
Edna cocked a thick black brow. "Then why do you look like you just got run over?"
Astoria felt herself cracking. "I- I just need…"
"No. Go sit in my room. I'll fix you some tea. It's high time we talk about this."
And Astoria supposed Edna would know, and Edna would be right. Edna was a Hufflepuff and she would find out eventually. Astoria hugged herself and walked slowly to her friend's room while Edna entered the kitchen and set about her work.
Ten minutes later, sat on Edna's grand lilac bed with a cup of chamomile tea, it was no easier to survive the fracture in her chest. A very real pain existed there and she imagined it would hurt less if she had been run over. But Edna was right- it was time for Astoria to open up about it. Edna sat down across from her with a mug of coffee and waited.
When it became obvious Astoria had no intentions of breaking the silence, Edna finally said, "So- Draco Malfoy?"
"What a rotten git." Astoria's breath hitched as her voice broke, and she studied her hands. How long had that scar been there, on her thumb? Her mother would cry at how cracked and brittle Astoria's nails were.
"What did he do?"
Astoria looked plainly away, directing her focus to the carpet as she squeezed out the words in a faltering voice, "He asked me on a date."
Edna's eyebrows rose. "I thought- I thought that's what you wanted? You've been talking about him a while and you kept running off with him. Were the two of you not already dating?"
Astoria sighed. "No. I was helping him redeem himself for his past wrongs."
Edna snorted. "Is that even possible? Sorry. But why is it so bad he asked you on a date?"
Astoria finally looked up and confessed the words that broke her:
"Because I've been thinking about him too much, and there's not a chance it will work out."
After that, the words spilled out, worlds and memories flying loose from Astoria's tongue and filling the clustered bedroom. Edna was a good listener, quiet, asked all the right questions, but Astoria had held in so much that not even dear Edna could possibly properly process it. Astoria told of the teashop, the sushi restaurant, the Ministry visit, the morning, Ginny Weasley- and tonight. And that was all it had been: five individual events across the course of a couple weeks. And that was all it had taken to break her.
That was why tonight, when he asked more formally to court her, it had been all she could do to close the door before he could see her reaction. If she let herself fall back to the same attention to detail, if she let herself remember the way she had felt about him when they first met, he would wreck her. Because he was Draco, and he had a temper as famous as his wealth, and he was changing his reputation but that didn't concern her. It wasn't Astoria's responsibility to make him a better person- she had agreed to help him because his eyes had a stronger effect than even amortentia. Nothing was more potent than the crystalline irises, and Astoria would let herself dream of them for years thereafter.
She had dreamed of them the past decade, and it had gotten her nowhere and nothing, nothing but heartache.
And she finally told Edna all of this, the entirety, the feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness, the heartache and the broken ribs and the pain. And Edna listened, because Edna would try to help, and both of them knew there was nothing to be done.
Nothing to be done but move on, and perhaps Draco would now overlook his temporary infatuation with her. He would see that she wasn't beautiful, but he simply liked the way she spoke of him. And someday he would think of himself that way and wouldn't need her anymore- but Draco didn't need anyone. Wouldn't desire her anymore.
And it all fell out of her like a basin filled too high, and Edna was no pensieve but Astoria felt better for having released the thoughts.
Sleep was a fair-weather friend and proved it in the small hours of the morning, and when Astoria dozed, it was only flickering memories of crystalline irises.
ooo
It was two days later that Daphne came to visit.
Astoria had woken early; she had a job interview and then a meeting with Ginny Weasley, so she was up before the dawn to bathe and dress. With a whisk of her wand, she prepared breakfast and tea, and then sat on the couch with the Daily Prophet to make sure her knowledge on events was current. The knock on the door caused her to spill her tea, drenching her hand in steaming Earl Grey.
Astoria grumbled and cast an evaporation charm before setting down her paper and rising. She peeked through the peephole- Daphne, thankfully. She was glad to see her sister's honey blonde instead of… But she was trying not to think of him. She took a breath and opened the door, still surprised just to see her sister.
"Daphne! What are you doing here?"
Her sister stepped inside. This would be Daphne's third time in Astoria's flat- the first had been while Astoria was moving in, to beg her to come back; the second had been inviting Astoria home for Christmas. Daphne glanced around.
"It's changed in here," Daphne noted. "More decor."
Astoria nodded, slowly closing the door, as Daphne's emerald eyes took in the room. The blonde turned to Astoria.
"I have to ask you something, and I need you to tell me the truth."
Astoria's eyes widened, and she nodded, picking up her tea again. "Okay."
"Is Draco Malfoy here?"
Astoria reeled, and cleared her throat, nearly spilling her tea again. "Er, no, definitely not. I haven't seen him since the night before last."
"That's when he disappeared!"
Astoria's eyes shot wide and she suppressed her gasp. "Come- sit. I don't think I can stand for this conversation anyways." She perched on the edge of the couch. "What happened?"
Daphne sat down next to Astoria, eyes bright with excitement. "His mother came by our estate this morning and said he hasn't been home since the night before last. They were out eating- the three of them- and Hermione Granger was there."
Astoria's widened further and she forced herself to take a sip of tea. "You're joking?"
"Not at all. Draco went to talk to her and his mother, Narcissa, was worried about him. Lucius was furious- you've seen him, just at soirees he gets temper flares. Anyway. Then Harry Potter and Ron Weasley showed up and Draco left."
"Wait- how'd you find out all this?"
"Narcissa told Mum. She was all worried about him. Said Lucius hadn't even wanted her to come and ask if we'd seen him."
Astoria's eyebrows lifted. "Why would she think we had seen him?"
Daphne elbowed her. "Oh, come now, Astoria- the boy's mad for you! Narcissa said he got in a fight with Lucius about you!"
Astoria gaped, and forced down another sip of tea. "So- so then what happened? The whole Golden Trio was there and Draco left…?"
"And Potter followed him out, came back a minute later laughing. That's all they saw of him. Thought he'd cool off and come home, but he hasn't yet. So you said he came by here?"
"Yeah, he- he wanted to tell me about running into Harry. Daphne, do Mum and Dad know you're here?"
"No." Daphne grinned. "I came on my own. Mum's not happy that Narcissa thinks there's something going on between you and Draco."
Astoria stifled a laugh; irritating her mother had been a point of comic relief for Astoria for years now. "Why is that?"
"Well, he was a Death Eater, wasn't he? She thinks he'd be too much for you."
Astoria nodded; she had to concede her mother had a point. "That's a fair point."
Daphne leaned close. "So- what's the truth? Is he mad for you? Do you feel the same way about him?"
"Daph, it's not like that." Astoria set down her tea and held in a sigh. "He just… Needs a friend. His family forced him to be a Death Eater, he didn't want it. And now he's living with all this guilt and doesn't know what to do with it."
"You know he probably killed people, right?"
Astoria met Daphne's eyes without pause. "He wouldn't. He was just a scared kid, that's all."
"Astoria- he tried to kill Dumbledore."
"He had no choice!" Astoria froze. He had no choice- he never had a choice. And now I'm the one not giving him the option to choose for himself. Why should I reject him on the basis of thinking I know him better than he knows himself? She took a deep breath. "You're right, Daphne. He tried to kill Dumbledore, and maybe he did try to kill people. And he could've chosen to make himself a martyr- but that's not a choice, is it? That's slavery, essentially- do as someone says or die. And he's not the arrogant prat he was. And I'm not in love with him nor is he mad for me. We just ran into each other a couple weeks ago and got really introspective. He's Draco Malfoy, Daph- you know that as well as I do. Even if I did have feelings for him, would it even matter?"
Daphne laid a hand on her arm. "If it matters to you, then yes. And obviously, he's rebelled against his parents for you- he hasn't even been home. I think you're a good change for him, Astoria, and this is the boldest I've seen you since your third year at Hogwarts. If you want him… Go find him and tell him so."
Astoria swallowed heavily, her eyes conveying distress but fixed entirely on her tea. "Is it that simple? Daphne, you know how I felt about him- you of all people should remember how entirely infatuated I was."
"That was when you were eleven. Whatever you feel for him now is quite obviously much more intense and means a lot more to you. And, honestly? If his family or ours is what's stopping you, prove to them their words don't matter. You'll always have me; Mum and Dad can't lose both of us so they'll just have to get over it."
Astoria looked up at Daphne with half a smile and one eyebrow lifted. "Do you mean that?"
"Of course. Now go get him before he throws himself off a bridge to avoid his parents!"
And Daphne was right- of course she was- and Astoria knew there was much more to it, but she had to at least try.
If anyone was worth her trying for them- it was Draco Malfoy.
a/n: i just realized it's been almost a year since i started writing this and i'm only on chapter nine; if you're reading this thank you! this fic is probably the most carefully written of any fanfic i've ever done lmao so thank you for your patience and i hope it's worth the wait. thanks again for reading! more to come soon!
