With my family so far away, I spent more time with my laptop, writing and answering e-mail. Mama had made it just in time to sneak into a few night classes for January. She was auditing, not officially enrolled in Dartmouth, but enjoying her psychology class anyway. Mama was taking psychology? Why, I wondered. Her brain was the impossible nut to crack, everyone else was easy by comparison. I received letters from Alice and Carmen, telling me how well things were going there. Alice hadn't seen any changes to the time table yet.
Most of the letters were completely Ruby-safe, and I let her read those with me. Her curiosity in my family had never waned. She seemed surprised that Mama would be enrolling at Dartmouth. "Doesn't she feel a little out of place there? I know there are adult students but..."
"Nah, she blends in better than I do," I assured Ruby.
As spring neared my family wrote and called more and more often. "It was easier to accept this plan when I could hear it straight from your head," Edward admitted one night. "Now I'm wondering if we made a mistake."
"No!" I argued vehemently. "No, Daddy. This is going to work. I'm scared as hell, but it is the best plan. You and Mama need to stay with Carlisle and Esme. The wolves have my back. I'll be fine."
Mama's voice was even more strained when she took the phone. "You know we'd be back in hours if you needed us, right?"
"I know, Mama. But I'm fine, really. This is going to work. I'm going to send the Volturi back to Italy and you'll all be able to come home. Able to, I sort of hope you don't. I'm terribly jealous that you're attending Dartmouth, even if it is only auditing. It's going to be a few more years till I can get in there."
"I'd take you over this any day," she said truthfully.
Alice started calling, too. "I still don't see any changes, but Nessie, I don't see you either. I hate not being able to tell what's going to happen to you."
"I know it's hard, Alice. I hate not knowing if the wolves are going to blow this up." She couldn't see that either. She only knew the wolves were involved enough that she couldn't see anything.
"And your success is shaky, Nessie. In some cases the entire guard return to Italy. In some only a handful. Sometimes they come after Edward and I, and in others they simply return to Volterra. I don't like not knowing."
"I know it's hard for you Alice, especially trying to see around the wolves and I. I know how difficult that is for you." Alice was always a little distressed when things disappeared. More so when they stayed black. "But I really appreciate all the efforts you've made on my behalf. Let me know if anything else changes."
"Of course I will," she replied testily. "Let me know if anything there changes."
"I will. I love you, Alice."
Now that I wasn't visiting my family on the weekends, I took advantage of the time to visit Emily and Sam more often. It was a great opportunity to get to know the younger wolves better. I hadn't been much more than introduced to them up until now. Jacob was glad to make his presence felt in that circle as well. These minds were new to him. He took all the newest wolves out to patrol on the Cullen land. It was a pretense to check the state of our scents in the area, but he used the time to get to know the new pack members. While he did, I sat with Sam and Emily.
"You're sure you're Okay with all this?" I asked Sam. "I mean, giving up being Alpha?"
He laughed out loud. "I'm about ready to give up the wolf, Ness. I'm thrilled to not be the Alpha anymore."
I hadn't thought about this, but it was true. Emily was aging, she was nearing thirty but Sam still appeared to be in his mid-twenties. Sam had run for six years as a wolf. He'd gone from being alone in his strange new world to having the largest pack the Quileutes had any memory of. He'd run off nomads, newborns and the Volturi once already. He was no doubt very satisfied with his accomplishments.
Emily kissed him, and I sighed. It wasn't as satisfying as Mama kissing Edward, but it was a similar feeling. I was glad they had each other. I was glad Cubby was Alpha. Sam would be able to age happily with Emily instead of waiting for his pack. Jacob wouldn't be giving up his wolf for a long, long time.
Other weekends were spent doubling with Claire and Quil. We went to another movie - a mild action flick that Claire's Mom didn't object to. We went out for lunch often in Forks. We had picnics together on the beach. Ruby tagged along on one of those.
"Claire... and Quil?" she whispered incredulously. "He's not..." She didn't seem to know how to finish her thought.
"No, they're really really good friends. It's like Jacob and I. It'll probably go there one day, but for now, we just enjoy each others company."
She seemed to accept this answer, which is good. Imprinting was difficult to explain even when it was acceptable to do so. As she got to know her, Ruby liked Claire, too, and now understood why I sometimes ditched our group at lunch to sit with Claire instead. I noticed Quil and Claire practicing careful non-contact. I made a point not to invite Ruby to one of these dates again. We'd do a girls' night or something. I didn't want Claire to feel she had to be anything but herself with Cubby and I.
Our first sleep-over was a riot. Thankfully, Cubby was out. It was far, far too girlie for him. Claire braided my hair and talked endlessly about Quil and some boy in her class named Joshua. We smiled and told her about Joe, John, and the others. She raided my 'Alice' wardrobe. Almost none of it fit her, but she loved pulling on the silkier items. I gave her one of my nightgowns to wear to bed.
"Alice is gone now, isn't she?" Claire asked, looking down at the blue satin.
"Yes," I said sadly. "She, Jasper, Emmett and Rose are all in Alaska. Mama, Edward, Carlisle and Esme are in New Hampshire. I miss them."
Claire hugged me. "At least you still have Cubby." She had picked up my nickname for Jacob, though she never called him that.
Cubby was dealing well with his eviction. It still bothered me a lot that he had been rousted from his house. He stashed his things in Billy's room and built a semi-permanent nest on the couch. I sometimes sneaked out of my room at night to curl up with him. It seemed the only way to offer condolence.
"How do you sleep like that?" Ruby asked when she found us one morning, utterly entangled. "Isn't he heavy?" I had most of Cubby's lower half covering my chest by morning.
I laughed. "Only when he won't wake up..." I heaved one huge thigh off me onto the floor. He woke with a start.
"Hmm? Morning all ready?" he muttered, rolling to let me escape.
"How do you sleep like that?" Ruby asked again while helping me make eggs for breakfast. Mmmm eggs. I left mine as runny as possible.
I shrugged. "We've always tossed like that. I got used to it pretty quick. We're also both ridiculously deep sleepers." I flipped Ruth's and Billy's eggs and scrambled Ruby's.
"You don't toss that much when we share the bed."
How could I answer that? Because I make sure to sleep on my hands when I sleep with you? That wouldn't make any sense. "Maybe he's the tosser and I'm just moving to keep comfy," I mused. That might actually be true. Even when I had a bed entirely to myself I didn't toss as much as I did when sleeping with Cubby.
"You sleep with him often?" she asked. She was trying to ask casually, but I caught her thought; why were we sleeping together at all?
I shrugged again, setting Billy's plate on the table. "Not all the time. I just want to make it easier for him while he's out of a bed. We always sleep together when we camp with my family. Kinda like he's camping in the living room." I smiled broadly at that thought.
Ruby laughed, "Yeah, I guess. You know you two are a little strange, right?" she blushed as she asked; she didn't want to offend.
"Morning, Billy." I greeted him as he rolled up to the table.
"Morning, Ness, Ruby. Coffee on?"
"Yep!" I brought him a cup.
"That lump on the couch planning on moving today?"
A pillow flew out of the living room to hit Billy in the back of the head. He tossed it back over his shoulder without really looking at it.
"Billy, Ruby thinks Cubby and I are a little strange. Can you imagine? I mean what could be more normal than a twenty year-old hanging around with a teeny-bopper? We're the epitome of normalcy, aren't we?" My sarcasm was thick and abusive.
Billy laughed hard enough to splutter. "Normal, yeah, good one."
Ruby laughed, too, now. I hoped she didn't feel at all awkward about her question. It was strange, but it was normal for us.
The best part about having Ruby and Ruth stay with us? Ruby stopped ditching class. It was nice to have her beside me in Lore. And we didn't smoke much at all anymore. The pack of cigarettes I bought for her would likely be our last.
Joseph continued to grow. His shirts were suddenly stretched very tightly across his chest. It was terribly attractive. I wasn't the only girl who had to be careful not to gawk. He spurned all of their attentions, preferring to stay close to me. He asked me to accompany him on the beach one evening. Curious, I agreed.
"Ness, I know we haven't really talked about the Solstice since, but... did you ride off on a giant wolf?" He shook his head as he said it, as though he couldn't believe the words himself.
I bit my lip. I knew I couldn't tell him until he was a wolf himself. What could I say? "That punch was something else, eh?" I tried, hoping he'd think it was just a drunken hallucination.
I wasn't that lucky. "Yeah, but I saw that wolf more than once. And I got the strange impression that he was Jacob Black." He picked up a flat stone and skipped it. It caught in the third swell out. "And I saw me kissing you again, even though I was in the woods and really worried about you. I wasn't thinking about kissing you anymore at all."
I looked down, using my hair for a shield. I was in such deep dung here. "That sounds like an alcohol response to me. And that dance made legends come alive, or so I've been told. Maybe that's why you started seeing wolf-men." I had the feeling he wasn't going to buy that, but it was the best I could offer. I hated lying to Joe almost as much as lying to Ruby.
He shrugged, and I knew he hadn't bought my cover story. "Joe. I can't tell you the truth. I'm not allowed to." I jumped up and hugged him tightly; he stood stiff in my arms. "I want to. I hate not being able to share with you." I put my face into his shoulder and felt the stinging of tears. Stupid hormones. "It won't make you feel better, but I can't tell Ruby either. It makes everything so hard." I sniffled a little.
He softened finally and pushed me back by the shoulders. He brushed my hair away from my face and traced his thumbs over my cheeks, sweeping away my tears. "It's Ok, Nessie. I can't say I understand, because I don't, but I don't want you to be upset by it. I won't ask again, all right?" He cupped my chin to keep me from looking down again.
I took a ragged breath and nodded as much as his grip allowed. I licked my lips. "I'm really sorry, Joseph." My voice broke on his name and I felt my lips tremble again.
He leaned in to kiss me and stopped. "It wasn't my kiss that scared you off that night, right?" he checked.
"No," I whispered and rose on my toes to meet his lips. A few more tears had leaked out and shimmered when I back away again.
Again he brushed them away. "No more tears," he whispered and kissed me again. I would have to keep this one from Cubby. It made my heart race and my blood boil. I broke it with a gasp.
Joseph hugged me. "I won't ask again." Then he groaned. "This isn't right. It's not good for either of us." He took his hands from around me and plopped down on a nearby boulder, handing his head. "Jacob loves you. And it's obvious you love him." He sighed deeply. "I just can't seem to help loving you, too."
I moved to sit beside him and put my head on his shoulder. "I know, but I don't want you to stop loving me. Is that wrong?" I looked up at him. "The way you feel makes me feel good." I took his hand and played with his long fingers. My hand was so pale compared to his. Then I noticed it wasn't as cool as it used to be. Joseph was getting closer to the change. I swallowed hard. "I don't know what to do." I said honestly, looking up into his eyes.
He closed his and there was pain on his face. Then he smirked a little, "Promise to protect me from Jacob?" he asked.
I giggled. "You look like you can protect yourself these days," I commented, trying to wrap a hand around one of his biceps.
"Hmm," he muttered. He took his arm from my grip and put it around my waist, pulling me into his chest. "Oh Nessie, Nessie, Nessie," his voice trailed off as he stroked my hip. We watched the sun sink slowly into the ocean.
