9. The Scientist
EPOV
When I reached Vancouver, I instantly knew this was the wrong place for my escape. Everything about the weather and landscape was all too similar to Forks. It only made my abrupt departure from home haunt me even more. At the time I left I didn't have a plan, and I still don't. Getting as far away from Bella as possible was the goal. No matter the distance between us the memories of her scent allured me and at the same time made me sick.
I kept playing back the day in Biology in my head, trying to pinpoint the moment I lost all control. I hated Bella for driving me away from my family and Gwen. I loathed her tempting scent and even worse, I was equally devastated and captivated by her subtle beauty.
She was making me lose my mind and I felt like being committed. The answer to my distress was a tiny white room with padded walls and someone to throw away the key. Someone or something had to stop me from killing this girl.
If I had killed Bella what would Gwen have thought of me? Would I have been a monster in her eyes, someone she wouldn't want in her bedroom at night? The thought of Gwen not wanting me in her life was unbearable. I always wanted to be better for Gwen, so she'd see me for me, not the monstrous curse that plagued my life.
There was no way Gwen was going to forgive me easily after ditching her like that. I left her alone at school, alone at the Cullen's with no companion. Most selfishly I left her without the ability to read minds. I knew distance would cause her to lose it, but I had to get away. I also wasn't interested in her reading my mind and knowing how cowardly I really was. Disappearing was my only option.
On the fourth day of roaming the woods in Canada, I found my thoughts consumed by Bella. Replaying the cafeteria scene and her piercing stare only fueled the fire. The emotion I was feeling was far worse than frustration, but I had no other way to describe it. Bella was like a slow killing cancer, eating away at my mind. Aside from the miles that kept us apart, I was drawn to her like a moth to the flame. Here I was hiding out in the forest, soaking in every ounce of self loathing possible. I had exiled myself from Forks until I knew I could safely return, much like when Romeo went to Mantua. Bella was like a drug to me. Her scent made me itch for a fix that I could not attain.
Many times I thought about calling Gwen to apologize or just hear her voice on the other line. Every time I failed because I couldn't promise her when or if I'd return. Calling her would only complicate things. I had to figure everything out on my own. The fact that Bella had become a complete fixation for me would only hurt Gwen, especially if she read my thoughts.
I tried to reason that Alice probably knew where I was and worked diligently to keep everyone calm. For all I knew Rosalie was ecstatic about my absence and throwing a party for the occasion. Surely, Gwen was not taking it well. I felt like a complete ass because I knew she was probably lonely and feeling alienated.
There was not a bone in my body that wanted to be infatuated with Bella, but I just was. She had swallowed me like a black hole and I barely knew anything about her. Wanting to go back to the days when I only had eyes for Gwen, I felt entirely defeated. Damn Alice for leading us to that city. She was trying to sabotage my life. I was being harsh towards Alice. She had never led our family wrong, so I had to hope all of this chaos was part of a bigger plan. Hopefully it was part of a bigger plan that Alice had already figured out.
My stay in Vancouver was miserable. I was in and out of cheap, dingy motels, reluctant to run up a huge bill on Carlisle's card. Plus, the atmosphere of the crappy rooms fed my self-deprecating mood. Every time I went outside and saw Gwen's bike, guilt flooded over me. Letting Gwen go a week at that awful school without me was cruel and unusual punishment. I could only hope she was coping alright without being able to read minds. She was strong and I knew it was something she could handle if she really had to. But Gwen was unhealthily attached to her ability when all I wanted was to be rid of it permanently.
Bella perplexed me to no end. Why couldn't I read her mind? Why was her scent more tempting than anyone else? The last time I was this taken aback was Gwen's arrival. The questions were different, but equally as intriguing. Why couldn't any of us smell her? How was she able to leech off our abilities? Both girls were so fascinating to me.
The beginning of my second week in Vancouver was filled with sunlight that kept me cooped up and imprisoned in my motel room. For a week and a half I wrestled with my thoughts and feelings about both girls. Self control was a necessity in my efforts to return to Forks. I had to find a way around Bella's presence. Part of me desperately wanted to be around her, taking in her floral scent, letting it sting my throat. The other part of me wanted Gwen back in my life. I missed my best friend dearly. I missed band practices and longed for the company of my family, even Rosalie. My decision was made for me. On Friday I'd return to Forks and face my demons head-on.
The ride home went by quickly due to my lack of adherence to road laws. Nothing was going to stop me in my pursuit of seeing the Cullen doorstep as soon as possible. When I arrived, it was early evening and the lights shining through the glass were the most welcoming sight, like presents under a Christmas tree.
I entered the house cautiously, unsure of what everyone's reactions would be, especially Gwen. Alice and Jasper were sitting in the living room playing chess. I never understood why Jasper continued to play games with Alice; she was the biggest cheater.
Alice looked up at me from the couch without the slightest hint of surprise. Of course she knew I'd be home tonight, she was probably awaiting my arrival.
"We've missed you," she chirped hugging her tiny body to mine.
Jasper looked up at me giving a welcoming brotherly nod. Overwhelmed with their warm greeting I almost forgot who I was most excited and nervous to see. I scanned the first floor anxiously for everyone else.
"Gwen's not here," Alice whispered staring into the floor.
My heart sank and my thoughts were consumed with every worst case scenario possible.
"Emmett and Rosalie took her to get ice cream." Jasper said the words nonchalantly as if I shouldn't be shocked by his remark. Coughing in disbelief that Gwen was hanging out with them alone, I felt the need to pinch myself.
"What do you mean she's out with Rosalie? You've got to be kidding me," I snickered.
Before I could continue with my disbelief Alice chimed in, "A lot can change in two weeks Edward, you should know that." I disliked the undertone to her remark. She had to have known about my developing feelings towards Bella, which came as a shock to us both. Change was one thing; Gwen and Rosalie hanging out on their own accord was a paradigm shift. Emmett and Gwen had always gotten along, so that I could understand, but Rosalie, not a chance.
I had only been gone two weeks and one small shocking piece of news made me feel like a total stranger.
"You know I would have warned you if anything bad was going to happen," Alice uttered quietly. She didn't have to mention in detail, we both knew what she was referring to. Alice sounded disappointed, like I didn't trust her.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, touching her shoulder," I know you're watching out for me."
My thoughts kept getting clouded by the looming fact that Gwen was hanging out with Rosalie.
As I headed up to my room, dying to take in the scent of all my books and journals, Alice followed me cautiously. What bomb was she going to drop on me next? There was a sense of impending doom in the air. I plopped down at my desk chair smiling at the collection of my things displayed in my room, when Alice shut the door behind her.
"Edward, you should know it hasn't been easy for Gwen since you left," she began hesitantly. Reading Alice's thoughts greedily to skip onto pertinent information I burst out in anger and disbelief. "She shunned you? Why in the world did she take everything out on you?" I was fuming.
"She was angry I wouldn't tell her any information on your whereabouts or your reasons for leaving."
I felt grateful to Alice for her once again carrying a burden she didn't ask for.
"Thanks Alice," I replied feeling even more guilt building up inside me. I was still extremely bothered by how Gwen treated Alice while I was away. Had I been here none of that would have ever happened.
"I understand why she felt that way. If the tables were turned, if Jasper disappeared, I would have acted really out of character as well," she tried to reason. Alice's soft, understanding demeanor calmed me.
"But just because she and I made up doesn't mean all is well." she added.
The swelling nervousness began to rage in my heart again. Spit it out already, Alice!
Alice wandered slowly around my room glancing at the books on the shelf then she explained, "Gwen really has come into her own since you left, kind of out of necessity I guess."
My eyes widened with curiosity, because I couldn't imagine Gwen being any more of her own person then she already was.
"She's made quite a few friends at school and I think even some outside of Forks," Alice boasted proudly.
Any average person wouldn't find the fact that someone made friends disturbing, except me. Before I left and at every school before, all Gwen ever needed was me and the other Cullens. I couldn't really blame her for making friends in my absence. It was probable, but unlikely, maybe she'd introduce me.
My head perked up when I heard Emmett's car roaring into the driveway. Quick as lightning I was down in the living room waiting by the front door with Alice on my tail. I should have remained calm in case none of them wanted to see me, but I was anxious to see Gwen and to hug her and hold her in my arms. I anticipated the angry thoughts I would hear running through her head as I held onto her tiny frame. I didn't care; I wanted to squeeze her and never let go.
The door flew open as Emmett walked into the house laughing with Rosalie and Gwen in tow. Gwen appeared just as I remembered her. She was a striking perfection in every way. I longed for her cherry blossom scent. I stood there by the door like a total schmuck with a grin plastered across my face. Much like a boyfriend who did something wrong waiting to see just how much damage control was needed.
"Hey bro, welcome back!" Emmett greeted while patting my back. He was always so casual about things like this; I guess I could appreciate him for always making light of situations.
I had wanted to see all of the Cullens ever since I left, even Rosalie, but her bitter glance only told me nothing much had changed around here.
Gwen didn't even look up at me from her ice cream; she just stood close to Rosalie. Rosalie had her arm around Gwen in almost a protective manner. Seeing it only made Alice's words a harsh reality. The concept of those two being close sickened me. Rosalie was callous and angry, whereas my Gwen was so free-spirited and happy.
I knew I needed to speak first because I owed her a million apologies and explanations, none of which could make up for abandoning her. "Hi, Gwen," I mumbled discreetly. Sounding utterly pathetic, I dug my hands deep into my pockets ashamed at the fact that I wanted to reach out and touch her, but probably shouldn't.
She glanced up at me with a ferocity I had never seen in her eyes. "Hi Edward," she replied. Gwen didn't follow it with anything else and she headed up the staircase towards her bedroom.
That was all I was going to get after two weeks of being gone. A "Hi Edward." That was all I deserved, but our relationship was much deeper than just a "Hi Edward." She was mocking me. I knew it. Angry with myself that all I could offer in that moment was a stupid "Hi Gwen" I stood idly in the entry hall. What did she want me to do, run up to her and squeeze her tightly in my arms like I desired? Would she rather I let her come to me when she was ready? I worried her two small insignificant words were the result of her becoming callous and hanging out too much with Rosalie. Gwen was never a, "Hi Edward" person. She was usually a softy when it came to me.
She just strolled up to her bedroom without another word, as if I had just gotten back from hunting and had only been gone an hour. Disgust began to eat away at me again, just like in the gross motel rooms. I deserved her disregard and yet longed for the solitude of her bedroom, our sanctuary.
Rosalie leaned into to kiss Emmett on the neck and shot back a look of indestructible victory. That girl was pure evil sometimes. She had to know how bad I felt and yet she continued to rub the salt on the wound. Rosalie had taken my poor little Gwen and royally corrupted her while I was gone and here she was smirking her perfectly shaped lips at me like a god damn victory lap. Rosalie was always jealous of Gwen and I because she wanted a human of her own and more so wanted to be human again herself. All her stupid talk of wanting a real life, babies, birthdays, meaningless crap we had all gotten over forever ago, she still clung to. I wanted to grab her and shake her, yelling, "Befriending Gwen won't make you any less cold and dead than you are." Rosalie's heart was cold from all her years of being bitter and no amount of human contact was going to thaw out her ice queen heart.
Alice touched my shoulder reassuringly, but I pulled away still upset by my failed reunion with Gwen. The whole ride home I had played it out many times in my head and sadly wasn't able to pull off a single one of them. I despised looking like a total chump in front of my brothers and sisters. They knew I had dropped off the face of the planet for some reason and now I was back to make amends. None of them were stupid enough to think I just skipped town for the hell of it; they all knew it had to be something serious, serious enough that I had to get out of town as to not jeopardize the family.
I disappeared quickly from the group and slammed the door to my bedroom. I sat there for hours toying with ideas of how to approach Gwen. It had been two weeks without her and now she was only a few doors away. My entire body was itching for contact with her and here I was cooped up in my room. Not much was different about this situation from being shamefully cooped up in a motel hours away. Just because the scenery was different didn't mean anything had changed. It was getting late and even though tomorrow was Saturday I was worried about how much time I'd have with Gwen. Maybe she had plans to hang out with tons of people tomorrow and had forgotten all about me.
I wanted to break our treaty because I desperately needed to read her mind. I needed to find out the weaknesses and use them against her to mend the situation, to heal her pain.
After the clock stroke 11:00pm and I had quit my endless search for my IPod, I decided I couldn't hold back any longer. I needed to be in Gwen's room. Feeling like a stranger in my room at night, I crept quietly towards her door. The same nervous feeling I had the very first night I went to her bedroom started eating away at me. It was like seeking approval and companionship all over again. Were we really all the way back at the beginning?
I knocked once softly. There was no answer, yet I knew she was on the other side. Once again I knocked with a little more force so she could hear me in case she didn't the first time. No answer. Feeling like burying my face into my stone hands because I had pushed Gwen away by leaving, I had to get courage back. This time I didn't knock, I just opened the door. Gwen was a girl and deserved her privacy, but I had to hope I wasn't catching her at any indecent moment when I intruded her room.
There she was propped up against the backboard of her bed with her nose in one of her many books. She had to known I was in the room, but her eyes didn't flicker from the pages once. I should have crawled to her bedside and begged for her forgiveness on my hands and knees. How could I have done this to her?
Still with her eyes glued to the book she muttered, "You're right, how could you?" She knew I'd be able to hear her no matter how inaudible she made her words. I didn't know if she was welcoming back the ability to read minds by responding to my thoughts. Did that mean she missed me or only my ability?
She coughed in disbelief, turning the page of her book. Her face was still stunning, lit by her bedside lamp; I took in the smell of cherry blossoms that whirled around the room. Since Gwen didn't smell to any of us, she always made an effort to put on perfume and I fell weak to it every time.
"Can I have a seat?" I pleaded, pointing to my usual spot next to her on the bed. Every bone in my body wanted the comfort of "my spot" in that bed. The feel of the soft sheets against my hard skin and the weight of Gwen next to me.
She didn't answer and kept her face buried in the book. I wanted to toss that horrid book out the window and torture the words out of her. My heart, if it could beat again would have been pounding with determination.
There was only one thing to do if this is how she planned on handling things. Just like I went against the grain with entering her room without permission, I walked to what used to be my side of the bed and slowly, non-threateningly crawled under the blanket.
Every inch of her bed felt like home and it killed me that she sat there reading a book like I didn't exist, like I was the ghost of Christmas past or something ridiculous like that. I really wished I had found my Ipod because without it I was sitting there doing nothing while she read. This was not our nightly routine. She reached over to the side of her nightstand and tossed something at me.
It was my Ipod, and that little gesture of her having it and returning it let me know there was hope. I sat there for a few minutes staring at it, thinking about how she must have used it while I was gone. I felt awful that she had to resort to an Ipod to have a little piece of me with her. At that moment I got an idea. I sprinted out of bed, out her door and to my room. I hoped that by the time I got back she hadn't padlocked the door on me and I wouldn't be able to get back in, at least not without breaking it down, and Esme wouldn't have appreciated that.
Fiddling with an outlet next to my side of the bed, I finally got my speakers plugged in. I had never done anything to woo Gwen, but I had to make my move. Something about knowing she really did miss me overwhelmed my already confused emotions. I plugged my Ipod into the speakers and picked a play list that I had left untitled, but it consisted of songs that reminded me of Gwen. I felt like a total cheese ball for pulling this, but I had nothing to lose at this point.
I crawled back into bed while the first song on the play list began to resonate from the speakers. Gwen was a smart girl and I probably should have known she wouldn't fall for something this corny. The music filled the awkward silence in the room and helped the tension you could cut with a knife. It felt like there was a barrier between Gwen and I. Suddenly, she did something unexpected, unless she really was ignoring my presence. Gwen set her book down on the bedside table and flicked off the light. The clock read twelve and she probably was tired; it was strange that she was going to sleep with me still there and things completely unresolved. Perhaps the soft music was making her sleepy.
She rolled over on her side facing away from me and didn't leave her wrist lying in the middle of us like she normally did. My wooing was a failure; she really was ignoring my existence. Sitting there in the dark while Gwen started to fall asleep I felt like a creepy, pathetic guy who thought sweet music could soften a girl. Like a stone gargoyle I remained perched in my position in a room that I no longer seemed welcome in. Who was I kidding? Gwen always saw right through me and offering to share my Ipod wasn't the key to making up with her. A few more minutes passed and all I could think about was how I wanted to touch Gwen and give her that hug that I needed when she arrived back home. Bella hadn't crossed my mind at all since I'd been home and that had to mean something.
Maybe the time apart from Gwen made me realize how much I needed her all along. My fingers played anxiously with the edges of her sheets while I stared over at her side of the bed. There must have been a full moon tonight because I was acting really out of character. My moves were bolder than I had ever been with her and I wasn't stopping till I got what I wanted. I slid further down under the sheets and coyly scooted my cold body towards her.
Everything about my actions was so unknown to me. I had never seduced a girl, let alone my best friend. Never having been physical with a girl in any way, I didn't know if my approach was even correct. Instead of reading the classics I probably should have picked up a book on the art of women at some point.
Gwen laid there motionless, her even breathing made me wonder if she was already asleep and I was just an inappropriate guy trying to get close to a sleeping girl. Her soft red hair was sprawled across her pillows and my hands twitched to reach out and curl the ends around my finger tips. Lying on my side facing her back, I closed my eyes and breathed in her perfume deeply. A few more minutes passed and I inched my body closer to hers, feeling the heat radiate from her skin.
She was almost asleep and I had to find the courage to make a move. Just as the song changed I reached out my shaky hand and placed it gently on her tiny, boney hip. I could hear her heart beat hitch and begin to increase quickly as the pressure of my hand weighed into her side. Gwen just laid there; she didn't jump, move or shove me off or begin screaming. If anything went wrong Carlisle was going to have my head on a stick. He was a more protective father to Gwen than any other girl in the household.
A tiny smile began to form across my ancient face and I felt a warmth flush over me that I had never felt before. How was it this simple gesture I had never made in my long life sent my emotions soaring in all different directions?
Even more courageously, I let my thumb sneak under the bottom of her shirt and rest idly on her lower back. She was shaking minutely and I hoped that she wasn't scared and just nervous like me. Her skin was soft and warm, everything I was not. As I let the music and darkness bewitch me, I moved even closer to her where my chest was only an inch away from her back. Gwen and I were a mere inch away from being pressed against one another completely in what Alice called, "The spooning position." I liked spooning already.
I enjoyed the silence between us and how the music seemed to fill every word that I couldn't find. Leaning into her, I whispered with all the sincerity in my body, "I'm so sorry." I winced into her shoulder expecting words of anger in retaliation to my measly apology. All the sudden I felt a tiny warm hand, Gwen's hand, cup my hand resting on her hip and intertwine its fingers in mine. She squeezed them tightly and whispered back, "Never again Edward."
Relief washed over me like the sea over the sand. I wanted to pull her face into my hands and promise never again, but now was not the time to make promises I was unsure if I was able to keep. Gwen took it upon herself to clear the one inch gap between us and scooted her body into mine. We fit perfectly like two crescent moons cradling one another. Exhilaration was only a small part of what I felt with her finally in my arms. Twenty-four long years of tension, games, hiding, restriction and self control had finally culminated in us having a new kind of closeness. Greedily, I took in the scent radiating off her long hair which I tangled in between my other hand.
A million questions raced through my mind. Was this the moment I had been waiting for? Was this why Alice had brought us to Forks, for this moment in this bedroom? Everything about our position was fragile. It wasn't just that Gwen felt tiny and breakable in my embrace, but Gwen and I had just made it through our first rocky patch and I still didn't know if this embrace meant all was well. When Gwen rolled over to face me I was terrified. I didn't think it was going to get this far and certainly hadn't planned for the moment where we'd be face to face with one another. I wasn't prepared to kiss her and I didn't want to. This moment was far too fragile. It may have been selfish, but all I wanted was Gwen's embrace and I hoped that was enough for her. To my relief she buried her head into my chest and let her warm little feet intertwine with mine under the thin sheet. For a brief moment I felt my body shaking with nervousness as now we were in a position of equality, whereas before, when we were spooning, I felt dominant like the protector, wrapping a shell around her.
She didn't push for more than this and I was grateful. We had been through a lot and this was not how I wanted anything else to happen. Not after silence and anger. I felt her tiny lips gently part against my chest and felt the rise and fall of her heart as she drifted off to sleep in my arms.
Not once that night did I read her mind or dreams. I didn't have to and laid there encircled with her embrace, smiling gleefully into the tangles of her hair.
