The alien slowly raised an eyebrow.

Gintoki slowly raised his hand. "I would like to point out that I am male and I have not engaged in sexual intercourse with anyone."

Sougo tilted his head. "Really?! I thought you and Hijikata-" Kagura interrupted him halfway, saying "Had a baby together! I was going to call her Sadaharu number eighty-"

Gintoki's vein popped. "We don't know if we did it or not! I don't remember anything, and he doesn't remember anything, and it's completely possible that we didn't do anything together- HIJIKATA YOU LAZY ASS COME BACK ME UP ON THIS! ! !"

Hijikata shrugged. After smoking three cigarettes in a row and stuffing himself with mayonnaise he was up in high heaven. Nothing could have knocked him down. "Well," he said nonchalantly and without thought, "We did wake up naked and on top of each other..."

The alien's other eyebrow went up. He then blushed purple. Gintoki's eye twitched. "We didn't wind up naked! Only just missing... A few articles of clothing..."

Sougo raised his hand. "I would like to point out you only had one article of clothing to begin with- your boxers, sir." Gintoki ignored him.

"No, we were naked. I remember waking up at before morning, like around midnight, and then putting on some clothes before collapsing on top of you." Hijikata said.

Sougo wiggled is eyebrows. "Whoa, rough sex really does drain a lot of energy."

Kagura snickered. "Naughty naughty Hijikata-san."

No amount of mayonnaise in Hijikata was going to let that pass by. Hijikata tossed Sougo behind the sofa. "You don't exist. Shut the hell up." He turned around and started to grab Kagura and toss her back as well, but then the alien tossed down its pen. "I'm done, you are all free to leave."

Hijikata blinked. "Really? I thought you couldn't allow us back if we were smuggling another unidentified living being."

The alien smiled. "Oh, if it's an unregistered living being because it hasn't even been born yet, I can let that pass. Just come back to have it on file once she's born." Hijikata's jaw went slack. The alien lifted up a piece of paper with a tentacle that morphed out of a section of its stomach's goo. "Oh, and I've seen that you two are married yet, so I'm just going to give you two a hand. You know how kids grow up without married parents? Yeah. Not good. If you just fill this out I'll tweak your statuses and make it seem like you've been, ahem, together all along."

Gintoki felt faint. Hijikata went pale.

Sougo popped up from behind the sofa. "Ooooh, Hijikata-san, a hidden relationship?! All this time, you two have been meeting behind our backs and secretly kissing during the few seconds that you're alone together-"

Hijikata shoved him backwards. "SHUT UP, MORON! ! !"


Gintoki lifted a hidden floorboard on the porch and fished out dusty hairball. He shook the hair off and blew the dust away to reveal a rusted key. He shoved it into the keyhole at the front door and clicked it open. As he pushed open the door, the old key fell out of the key hole and broke into two rusted-away metal halves.

"Jeez, how long did you have that?" Hijikata said.

Gintoki shrugged. "I think I put that here when I first got here, years ago." Gintoki fumbled along the wall until he found the light switch. He pressed it with a click. Nothing came on. He flicked it back and forth for a few moments before giving up and grabbing a flashlight that was in the cupboard. "Goddamn. I guess the electricity bill didn't cover you if you came back from the dead."

"Or if you'd missed the light bill for the past five months," Sougo said, holding up a sheet of debt listings.

Hijikata opened another cupboard and pulled out a battery-charged lamp and some batteries. He turned it on.

Light flooded the room. It was dark as pitch outside. Sougo was closing the door. Kagura sat on the sofa sleepily, her dress already crumpled. Gintoki rummaged around the cupboard as Hijikata roamed the place.

After a few minutes, everyone sat down at the table. "Nothing," Gintoki said. "Absolutely nothing. This place is entirely cleaned out and void of any food. All that's left is the furniture."

"Nice place you got here. One closet where the Kagura sleeps, one room where you do- which by the way is empty save for your futon and a stack of comics, and this room, and the toilet." Hijikata said.

There was a box on Gintoki's desk with all the junk and toys and alarms that used to lay around the place. Gintoki shrugged. "Well, on the bright side, the cleaning I've been planning to do is done. This is the neatest I've ever seen the damn place." Kagura waved a bunch of mail. "Gintoki-san, there's these." Gintoki ripped them open, tossing away the ads and any other scrap immediately. He was left with one bank note.

Kagura snatched it away from him and read it aloud. "It seems like Otose-san completely drained any money you saved up. So now, you have this apartment for the next month... But your exact account amount goes to... 0 yen." Gintoki raised an eyebrow. "So, just everything I got here and broke. Almost a fresh start. I guess they left me off easy since they thought I was dead. There should be a hell of a lot more debt than that."

Gintoki glanced over at the two policemen. "Oi, why are you two still here, get back to your police station."

"Now that you mention it, I should, but they told me not to because they had to clean up or something." Hijikata said.

Sougo smirked. "Of course, they were talking about the 'Thank God and Heaven Hijikata the demon vice-president is dead' party that they were going to have. Jeez, Hijikata, I never thought you'd be a party-pooper that even came back from the dead!"

Hijikata ignored him. "So... Sougo and I will have to stay the night. Don't worry, I'll pay you afterwards."

Kagura's stomach growled. Hijikata glanced out the big window behind Gintoki's desk. A dimly-lit bar was still open. "I'll even buy some food in advance." With that, he got up and walked out the door.

Gintoki lifted Kagura off the sofa and tossed her into her closet. He looked below her bed and into the place where Sadaharu usually slept. There was nothing but a large pile of shed fur. "Shinpachi must have taken him somewhere..." He muttered.

The door swung open thirty minutes later. Hijikata walked back in, carrying a large bag. He closed the door behind him and set the bags down. As Sougo took out the packaged noodles, Kagura suddenly woke up completely and leaped out of the closet.

While Gintoki, Sougo, and Kagura stuffed their faces with noodles, Hijikata opened one of the beer bottles he had also bought. Gintoki wiped off his mouth and opened one as well.

Kagura smacked his hand. "No drinking when you're pregnant!"

She pushed Hijikata's hand away from the beer as well. "You too!"

"How can we be both pregnant?!"

Sougo cracked open a can. "That's not the problem. We just don't know who's pregnant. Don't take chances, now, it might be Toshi or Afro." Sougo smirked as he took a long satisfying sip.

Kagura polished off the rest of the food and went back to bed.

Gintoki and Hijikata finished their beers after deciding that one can't hurt, and then settled down to sleep.


"Good morning." Gintoki said blandly into the face of Hijikata. Hijikata opened his eyes and jumped straight out of the futon, hitting the wall and collapsing on the floor. Gintoki got out of his futon. "I don't remember you being in my futon last night."

The door opened. Sougo peeked in, his hair and clothes all covered in Sadaharu's fur since he slept in the closet below Kagura where Sadaharu usually was.

"You." Hijikata growled.

Sougo put on an innocent face. "I was just joining two loved ones who were separated by a wall, that's all."

Kagura pushed Sougo out of the doorway and jumped into Gintoki's futon. "I-I-It's c-c-cold! ! ! The heat didn't come on~!"

"I said, if you'd just let me share my body heat," Sougo said nonchalantly, "but since you pushed me off onto your dog's dirty old dog bed I guess I had been rejected."

Kagura strangled Gintoki in a tight squeeze. "Sadist-o tried to molest me last night! ! !"

Sougo shoved a side of his hair back to reveal a light purple bruise. "Your yato brat nearly gave me a concussion."

Gintoki picked his nose.

Hijikata ruled Sougo guilty.


"I object! ! !" Sougo declared.

"Objection denied! ! !" Hijikata roared.

Gintoki slammed his wooden sword down. "Only the judge can deny an objection!"

Shinpachi grabbed the wooden sword right out of Gintoki's hand and slammed it right back into his face. "I'M PISSED OFF SINCE I HAVEN'T BEEN EVEN MENTIONED SINCE CHAPTER THREEEEE! ! !"

Kagura slammed Shinpachi's face down into the sofa. "Police force has arrived to assume control of the situation! Anyone who farted must leave the premises-"

Kondou sighed and sadly tiptoed outside.

"OI!" Hijikata shouted. "WE'RE THE POLICE FORCE, GODDAMMIT! KONDOU~! ! ! GET THE HELL BACK IN HERE! ! !"

Otae-san slammed the door closed and locked it, and then began to wrap thick chains of iron all around it. Once she finished, she stood up and wiped sweat off her forehead and smiled sweetly. "Oops. I guess he's stuck outside for now."

Sa-chan wrapped her arms around Gintoki's neck. "Gin-saaan~! I missed you~! (If you want some S&M play tonight I'll be hiding in your underwear cabinet)!" She started to pull out all sorts of oddly-shaped packages out of a bag that she had brought.

Hijikata grabbed Sa-chan and tossed her to the sofa where Shinpachi lay struggling for air. "OI! NO ILLICIT SEXUAL ACTIVITY IN FRONT OF MINORS- AND ESPECIALLY NOT WITH MY BRIDE-"

Everyone in the room froze.

Elizabeth held up a sign. "Bride?"

The entirety of the Shinsengumi that were sitting in front of the TV watching a sports game turned around, their mouths hanging open.

Yamazaki's anpan exploded.

Tsukuyo's eyes narrowed.

Shinpachi got up and tripped over the red bean from the exploded anpan and crashed somewhere under the table.

"I-I mean, my b-b-b-br-brize, I mean, prize! Yes, my prize- I finally get to handcuff the notorious drunk man who had taken the Shogun out drinking while naked- yes, that's it-!"

Okita raised a hand. "They're getting married."

Kagura started handing out wedding invitations.

"OOOOOOIIIIIIII! ! !"