Thank you for your reviews, favourites, and to anyone who's set an alert for the story, it's much appreciated. My week hasn't got any better at work and I found out today that my uncle has cancer, so they really cheered me up. Anyway, on with the story...
Alison McCord sat anxiously in Dr Clarke's waiting room. Dr Clarke. Her OBGYN.
6 weeks ago she had been a happy, carefree, young woman, living in New York City whilst interning for an international fashion designer and very much looking forward to going to college. Now she was a rape victim, pregnant at 18 years old with her rapist child. She had an OBGYN and a counsellor. She constantly felt overwhelmed and anxious and she had to rely on her parents, in particular her mum, for everything. She felt like her skin wasn't her own, like she was tarnished and unclean in some way, and she felt like she had an alien growing inside of her.
And she had to make a decision if she wanted to keep the alien or not.
For the past 3 weeks she had done nothing but research pregnancy, abortion, and also adoption. She knew the alien growing inside of her had a brain that was starting to develop neural pathways, that its lungs were connected to its throat, its hands and toes were webbed, and eyelids covered its eyes. She knew that the majority of its organs had formed and that its sex had already been decided. She knew it was the size of a kidney bean and was constantly moving around in her uterus even though she couldn't feel it. She knew its heart was beating. The alien caused her to have morning sickness for 2 hours every morning and she felt nauseous for the rest of the day. Her breasts had swollen and were extremely sensitive, her bras were painful to wear but she couldn't stand the thought of bra shopping. She constantly needed to use the bathroom.
She also knew that she could take two pills and make all of this stop.
Or she could have the alien and keep it.
Or she could have the alien and give it up for adoption.
If she had an abortion then she wouldn't have a baby to look after, a constant reminder of what had happened that night. Her morning sickness would stop, her breasts wouldn't hurt anymore, and she wouldn't need to pee constantly. Physically her life would be normal again. But she worried about having an abortion, and not just because what would happen if it went wrong. Despite her dad being a theologian - or maybe because her dad was a theologian - the McCord's weren't a devoutly religious family. They didn't attend church every week, but she had been raised catholic and had gone to Sunday school when she was little and she knew the church didn't condone abortion. Would she go to hell if she had an abortion? Would the alien? But why would God have allowed something like this to happen to her in the first place? Would God forgive her if she had an abortion and went to confession to confess her sin? She also worried that if she did have an abortion her dad wouldn't love her anymore, despite what he said. She knew he didn't feel any differently about his dad after he committed suicide, but the church's view on suicide was more accommodating, it believed that people were not necessarily morally culpable when they took their own life. The church was steadfast in their view on abortion and she worried how her father would view her if she had one.
Keeping the alien was an even more terrifying option. None of her friends had kids, all her cousins were around her age - except Annie who had grown up in the UK - she simply didn't know how to raise a child. And what if the alien looked like him? Could she love it? Care for it? What if it was a boy and he turned out to be like his father? How would the alien feel when it found out who its father was and what he had done to her? How would she support the alien? She didn't want to live with her parents for the rest of her life. She wanted to go to college, and parties, and travel, and be a fashion consultant, and maybe start her own fashion line. How could she do all that with a child in tow?
She had read countless stories on the internet about infertile couples who were going through IVF or couples who were desperate to adopt a child because they couldn't conceive either naturally or with the help of IVF. She felt guilty for being pregnant when she didn't want to be. She felt guilty and ashamed for considering abortion when there were so many people out there who were desperate for children. Why had she fallen pregnant when there were so many other couples out there that desperately wanted a child? Why her?
Her parents knew she was considering abortion, but they didn't know she had looked into adoption. Despite all the articles she had read about adoption and couples who desperately wanted a family, she honestly didn't think she would be able to grow a child inside her and then hand it over to someone else to raise. It wasn't like her parents had kicked her out and she couldn't afford to raise her child. Her parents had been nothing but supportive of her and she knew her parents meant it when they said they would do anything they could to help.
But that wasn't the only issue: she was the Secretary of State's daughter. If she decide to have the baby she knew at some point her mum would have to announce her pregnancy, but the public would never know what happened to her and the real reason for her being pregnant. If she had the baby how would it look to the public that she was giving her child away? She didn't want to cause her mother any more problems than she already had. And what about in the future when her child found out it was the grandchild of the Secretary of State? That it was conceived from a rape and she had given it away? How would she explain that? She didn't think she could handle the accountability her child would want from her in the future if she gave it up for adoption.
Even to her it seemed hypocritical to think that she could end the alien's life, but she couldn't grow it inside her and then give it to a deserving couple to raise. But in her mind she only had two options: keep the alien and raise it herself, or take the pills and end her pregnancy.
And time was running out.
It had been 2 weeks since she had last been here to collect her prescription for antibiotics to treat the chlamydia he had given her and now she was back for her routine 8 week pregnancy check.
The last time she had been here the doctor had wanted to give her a transvaginal scan and she had freaked out. Dr Clarke had wanted to place a wand inside her so she could see the alien because the chlamydia had increased her risk of miscarriage and the doctor was worried the chlamydia may have harmed the alien. She felt like a failure that she couldn't let the doctor do it. Shouldn't a mother want the best for her child and be willing to go through anything for it? She felt even more retched when the doctor had told her the risk of miscarriage was higher and she'd felt a flicker of hope and relief, because if she did have a miscarriage she wouldn't have to make a decision, the decision would have been made for her by her body.
Dr Clarke had been very understanding when she'd freaked out, quickly agreeing not to conduct a transvaginal scan and had instead conducted an abdominal scan, but the doctor hadn't been able to see anything but the sac. She hadn't been able to look at the screen, the guilt and disgust she felt about herself had been too much for her and she didn't think she could see the alien he had created inside of her. Her mum had asked for a picture of her scan though.
Why couldn't everyone understand that she didn't want to be touched, especially around her vagina? Why couldn't they just leave her alone? Why could no one understand that she just want to go and live on a desert island in the middle of nowhere and pretend like none of this was happening? She didn't want to be thinking about transvaginal scans, or OBGYN's, or adoption, or abortion, or STI's, or miscarriage... she just wanted to be an 18 year old again.
She was broken from her reverie by the gentle touch of her mother's hand on her arm.
"Noodle, the nurse wants to take your blood. Do you want me to come with you?" her mother asked her softly.
Alison shook her head, she was determined to do at least do one thing by herself today. "No, it's ok" she replied distractedly as she got up and followed the nurse into one of the surgeries, grateful that it was early morning and that the office only seemed to have female staff in.
Elizabeth watched her gaunt, pale, daughter follow the nurse into the room and let herself exhale slowly, let her facade slip for just a moment. She would never let her daughter know, but she was emotionally exhausted. Watching her daughter withdraw into herself and become a shadow of her former self was heartbreaking and she would do anything to take this away from Alison.
Everyone at home was feeling the strain. Mealtime had become a battleground of trying to get Alison to eat anything and to take her pre-natal vitamins, she was literally watching Alison shrink before her eyes. Mornings had become a scheduling nightmare of who could use her and Henry's bathroom when as Alison was in the family bathroom being sick, and poor Jason and Henry were constantly on egg shells around Alison as she still struggled with being in close contact with her brother and father. And on top of all this, Henry and she were still trying to work full time, whilst juggling being at home with Alison, in an effort to stop the press from finding out what was happening in their private lives. Luckily a scandal involving a married football player, a call girl, and illegal drugs had diverted the presses attention away from her, but there was only so much personal time she could take before the press would get suspicious again.
To her credit, Daisy was doing a fantastic job of explaining why she had been working from home so often over the past two weeks and she was grateful that she had such a talented Press Co-Ordinator however, she felt like the situation was a ticking time bomb. She was just waiting for the press to find out it was her daughter, not she, who was pregnant and for the situation to explode. The Washington Post had kept to their end of the deal and had not published the pictures they had purchased, but she knew in a matter of weeks she would have to give her exclusive to Kyle Jones when she announced Alison's pregnancy. If she announced Alison's pregnancy as Noodle had still not made a decision as to whether she wanted to keep the baby or not. She'd been discouraged 2 weeks ago that Alison had shown little interest in seeing the scan of the baby, she'd asked for a picture of the scan in case Alison asked to see it later but she hadn't as yet. She was anxious as to how this appointment would go and she started drumming her fingers nervously.
Her mind wondered to the police investigation. Daisy had also been monitoring the news in New York and so far there had only been a small article in a tabloid mentioning the fact that Giovanni Rossi had been questioned in relation to an incident that had happened at his apartment during the summer. Luckily none of the mainstream papers had picked up on the article and nothing further had come of it as yet. Both Henry and she were frustrated that they didn't know what was happening in the police investigation, after all they did have very high security clearances and were not used to not being kept informed - especially her. The number of times she and Henry had to resist calling one of their contacts to try and find out what was going on was ridiculous, but they were both adamant that they didn't want to do anything to jeopardise the investigation as they wanted Giovanni Rossi punished for what he had done to Alison.
"Secretary McCord?"
Elizabeth jumped as she heard her name being called and turned to face the nurse expectantly.
"Alison's in Dr Clarke's office, if you'd like to follow me I'll take you to her" the nurse said in a friendly manner.
Elizabeth jumped up from her seat and followed the nurse into Dr Clarke's office. Alison was sat drinking a glass of water in front of Dr Clarke's desk, her shoulders slumped and her eyes downcast.
"Secretary McCord, it's nice to see you again" the doctor welcomed.
"It's nice to see you too" Elizabeth greeted. "You ok, Alison?" she asked her daughter with concern.
"Yeah" Alison returned quietly and the worry that Elizabeth was feeling increased.
"I was just explaining to Alison what would happen during this appointment..." Dr Clarke began.
Alison sat half-heartedly drinking the glass of water the nurse had given her after taking her blood pressure and a blood sample. The nurse had struggled to take a blood sample and had muttered something about her being dehydrated before handing her a large glass of water. Hardly surprising seeing as she had spent nearly 2 hours throwing up before coming to this appointment. Apparently she also needed a full bladder for the scan so the purpose of the glass of water was twofold. She half listened to what the doctor was saying, but apart from telling the doctor when her last period was and confirming she hadn't had sex with anyone before that night, her mum was answering the rest of the questions about her medical and the family's medical history.
"Alison, do you have any questions before we start the scan?" Dr Clarke asked with a warm smile.
Alison was startled at the doctors question. She did have one question but she was afraid to ask it.
Elizabeth sensed there was something that her daughter wanted to ask. She could see the hesitation and fear in her eyes, but this was the most interest her daughter had shown during the whole appointment and she wanted to know whatever it was her daughter wanted to know.
"Noodle, it's ok to ask questions" she prompted her daughter.
"Your mum's right, Alison. This whole situation is overwhelming and it's important you feel as informed and in control as can be with what is happening to you and your body. Please ask any questions you want. I know the last time you were here we went through your options again, so is this a pregnancy question or something else " Dr Clarke asked carefully.
Alison quickly glanced up at the doctor "Um...something else" she whispered.
Elizabeth swallowed thickly. "Is it about abortion?" she asked softly, reaching out and tucking a strand of her daughter's hair behind her ear tenderly.
"No..." she whispered.
Elizabeth was taken aback by her daughter's response. "So what is it, Noodle?" she pushed gently, curious as to what information her daughter wanted.
Alison quickly glanced between her mum and the doctor again. Pregnancy, abortion, and adoption were not the only things she had been researching on the internet.
"Um, on the internet, I read that...that chlamydia can cause infertility. Could I have more children?" she asked in a hushed tone, her eyes immediately returning to stare at the spot of the floor that she had been staring at for the past 30 minutes.
"Chlamydia can cause PID - Pelvic Inflammatory Disease - which can cause infertility" Dr Clarke began.
"Oh" Alison whispered as she felt tears pooling in her eyes. She had always wanted children, but not like this. She wanted to be married and have a house and career of her own first. She wanted to give her children the sort of childhood her parents had given her.
"But" the doctor continued "we caught the infection very early and I'm confident that with the course of antibiotics you've had you should be able to have children in the future. We'll repeat the blood test for chlamydia in another 4 weeks, and then again 6 weeks after that to make sure the infection has gone"
"But what if it hasn't?" Alison asked in a small voice.
"If the blood test shows the infection is still there then we treat it again with antibiotics. We're aware of the infection, Alison, so we can treat it and manage it. That's why I did the scan 2 weeks ago to see if there was any sign of the infection developing into PID - there wasn't by the way. That's why I want to do another scan now, so that I can monitor for signs of the infection developing, but Alison, I must stress, we caught the infection very early. I'm confident your future fertility won't be affected"
"But you won't know for sure until I've had the blood tests. This could be my only chance to have a baby?" Alison asked.
"We won't know until the blood tests if the infection has cleared" Dr Clarke confirmed "But as I said, I think the chances of you being able to have more children are very good".
"Ok" Alison acquiesced unconvincingly.
"How about we do that scan?" the doctor asked kindly.
"Ok" Alison whispered as she got up and moved to the examination table. Before she knew it she was lying on the bed with her abdomen exposed, cold gel being squeezed onto her skin, and the wand being moved over her very full bladder making her feel like she was going to wet herself.
Elizabeth regarded her daughter with concern as she lay on the bed. She seemed completely detached from the situation and her eyes were firmly fixed on the ceiling, just like last time, but the overwhelmed and confused look her daughter's eyes now held made her heart ache. Given the information the doctor had just told them though she couldn't blame her daughter for feeling overwhelmed, even she was reeling from the information. She understood that her daughter's chances of having children in the future were extremely good, but there was a part of her brain that was asking the question 'what if she can't?' A wave of unjustness and anguish washed over her at the thought of what her daughter was having to go through and the decision she had to make because of that man.
"Ali baby?"
"Hmmm" came Alison's response as she looked at her mum.
"You doing ok?" she asked lovingly.
"Uh huh" Alison replied, the discomfort obvious in her voice. She just wanted this to be over. She wanted to go home.
"Do you want to hold my hand?" she asked her daughter, desperate to do something to try and help her daughter. Alison grabbed her hand in response and squeezed tightly.
There was no further conversation in the room for the next 10 minutes as Dr Clarke conducted the scan. Elizabeth stared at her daughter fondly as she recalled coming for her first scan when she was pregnant with Alison. Not that she would ever tell Stevie, but her first child had not been planned and had been the result of too much alcohol at a party at Henry's Marine base following a medal ceremony honouring him. Medal ceremony + too much alcohol + finding out Henry had almost died + Henry just being so damn sexy in his Marine uniform = a rather frantic encounter in one of the base's equipment stores. To this day she still hoped there was no CCTV footage of that encounter. McCord number 2 though had not been so easy. They'd been trying for a little over 3 years and were talking about IVF when she'd conceived Alison. The day the strip turned pink on her pregnancy test had been one of the happiest in their lives. Being on his final active tour with the Marines when she'd been pregnant with Stevie, Henry had missed her scans and had been so excited when he'd come with her to her first scan with Alison. He'd been transfixed by the tiny figure on the screen and her heart had melted at the tears that had escaped his eyes. She too had been mesmerised by the second tiny creature that Henry and she had created.
She just wished that Alison could have an experience as good as hers had been.
"Do you want to see the baby?" Dr Clarke's voice broke the silence.
"Noodle, do you want to see the screen this time?" Elizabeth asked her daughter kindly. She wanted to see the screen - her grandchild - and she wished that Alison would look at the screen too, she thought it might help her accept the pregnancy.
Alison swallowed as she considered the doctor's words. She could see the hope in her mum and Dr Clarke's eyes and it weighed heavily on her. Did she want to see the alien that was inside her? If this was her one chance to have a child, shouldn't she at least look at it?
"Ok" she whispered hesitantly.
She heard the sound of machinery moving and then she looked towards the screen where she could see a small kidney bean shaped thing inside an oval object. Dr Clarke smiled warmly at her before she began talking.
"This is you uterus" the doctor said as she pointed to outline of the big black object "and this here is your baby" she continued as she pointed at the kidney bean thing.
Alison looked at the kidney bean on the screen, her first thought being 'the internet was right, it really does look like a kidney bean'. Then she saw something flickering in the kidney bean and a wave of curiosity ran through her "What's that?" she asked softly.
"What's what?" the doctor asked kindly.
"That flickering thing?"
"That's the baby's heart beating, Alison" the doctor advised warmly.
"Oh" she stated, completely dumbfound by the revelation and a wave of something washed over her. She wasn't sure what that something was, but it wasn't an unwelcome feeling.
"You doing ok, Noodle" Elizabeth asked as she watched the expressions wash over her daughter's face. Maybe Alison would have an experience like hers after all.
"Yeah, I think so. So that thing is inside me?"
"Yes, it is" Dr Clarke confirmed with a smile. "We might be able to hear the heartbeat, would you like that?"
The word yes was out of her mouth before she could even comprehend what the doctor had said.
A few seconds later a whooshing sound filled the room.
"Is that it?" she asked hesitantly.
"No, that's just the sound of the wand moving over your uterus. I'm still trying to find it, it might take a few minutes as it's still very early" Dr Clarke said distractedly.
Alison waited with baited breath and with each second that passed without the doctor confirming a heartbeat the feeling of dread crept further and further up her spine. The doctor had said the flickering was a heartbeat, so why couldn't they hear it? Was this her fault? She had spent so long wishing she wasn't pregnant, what if she was now getting that wish?
Suddenly a faint thumping sound started filtering through the speakers and a smile broke out on Dr Clarke's face. "There it is!" she exclaimed happily.
Alison listened to the sound in awe "But it's so fast!" she exclaimed.
"A very healthy 180 beats per minute" the doctor confirmed.
Alison stared at the screen and watched the flickering heart of the kidney bean as she listened to the rapid thumping sound.
She didn't have an alien inside of her.
She had a living being.
That strange something feeling washed over her again, quickly followed by a wave of panic.
What was she going to do?
Author's Notes: according to the internet chlamydia can cause PID which does increase the risk of miscarriage and can cause infertility, but I couldn't find out on the internet how long it takes chlamydia to turn into PID. I'm not a doctor, and whilst personally I suspect it takes more than a few weeks for chlamydia to turn into PID, it worked for the purpose of this story for the doctor to check for it now and for Alison to have to consider her future fertility so I used it.
Also, I'm not Catholic (and not religious) so I hope I didn't cause offence with the views Alison expressed when she considers her faith and abortion. They're just from my limited know of Catholicism and I thought religion should be considered by her in view of her dad being Catholic and a theologian.
I'm off now to watch the next episode of Madam Secretary in the U.K. :-) Reviews welcome!
