Just don't judge me for the books I obviously read in my down time, ok? x_X


The rest of the NCIS episode played out and ended with the usual black-and-white snapshot. "That was a good episode, albeit very DiNozzo-heavy," acknowledged the doctor as she stood up to stretch tall and smooth out her dress and the muscles she'd kept still for the duration of the show. She cleaned off the coffee table as she asked, "Conversation followed by pajamas, or pajamas first?" It was usually understood that if they were together past about nine o'clock, there would be a sleepover, so of course the doctor had come equipped with an overnight bag. "Or would you rather stall and watch NCIS: Los Angeles?"

"No, that show sucks." Jane gave a snort of disgust. "PJ's first. I think I'm ready to lie down anyway." Jane stood up and headed toward the bathroom. "I'm going to take a shower first, okay?" With that, she closed the door behind her. She ran through her normal nightly routine but stopped short of leaving her hair wet. She decided to blow dry it causing her to take longer to exit the bathroom than normal. When she finally stepped out in her robe, she looked around for the doctor. "Maura? It's all yours. Maura? Hey, where are you?"

Maura held up her shower kit in one hand, while the other supported the towel wrapped around herself. "Just waiting my turn," she said with a smile as she edged into the bathroom past Jane. She didn't pass through any closer than usual, but, with conversational topics being what they had for much of their contact that day, it might have felt closer to Jane. Maura took her time, too, though not excessively so, electing to keep her hair dry so she did not slow herself down with having to dry it out. Once finished, she emerged, looking pink, slightly damp, but decent in her adorable cotton-silk flannel pajama pants and tank top. "Hi, Joe," she greeted the dog who clearly wanted her own turn in the shower, and gave the pup a bit of a cuddle before going to locate Jane.

Jane pulled on her favorite night shirt. It was a 'Property of Boston PD' shirt she'd won at a raffle a few years before. She had worn it so much, the fabric was beginning to thin in spots, but it was comfy. She contemplated the night pants. She normally didn't wear pants to bed, even with Maura sharing the space with her. She normally just wore her underwear, but she was feeling fairly exposed. After thinking about it longer than she liked, she decided to hell with the pants, pulled on a pair of grey cotton boy shorts, and slid under the covers. She was propped up in bed reading a novel with Maura finally came in with Joe trotting at her heels. She gave a small nod of her head and went back to her book as she waited for the other woman to climb into bed.

"Here you are. I looked in the living room first," Maura mentioned as she slipped beneath the covers, then patted beside herself. Joe Friday took a pretty good running leap and made it, thanks to a helping hand right before she would've bonked her nose right into the mattress. She glanced at the book, letting her eyes settle on the words long enough to read a few of them upside down if Jane didn't move the page much. "Are you ready?" A loaded question, but her vocal tone suggested no more than a reminder that the two of them could talk, or just turn out the lights, go to sleep, and not mention much of anything about the day ever again.

"Hold on, I'm almost done with this chapter. I have to find out if Anita decides to date the vamp or the dog." Jane held up a finger as she continued to read. "Well, damn. It's in the next chapter." With a roll of her eyes, she placed the piece of toilet paper she was using as a bookmark between the pages and closed the novel, tossing it on her bedside table. "You know, I really don't know where to start." She stared at the footboard, her hands resting limply in her lap. "I mean, how do you...I can't even," she looked down at her hands. "Why do I have to be so different, Maura? Why can't one thing about me be normal?" She looked over at the blonde. Jane's face was contorted, filled with an odd amount of pain. "You know what I mean?"

Vamp or dog. Vamp... or dog... Maura shook her head and put that line of questioning entirely to one side. Focus. "Jane, you've made for yourself strong family connections, you have extremely loyal coworkers who are family in all but name, you're in top physical condition, you're gorgeous, and you're extremely intelligent. Insightful, too, when you want to see things. Normal may be a perfectly fine thing to be, but why should you try to lessen yourself to that standard when you're so much more? What are you really saying that you want?"

Jane picked the book back up and held it up for Maura to see the cover. "See this book? The main character is this really kick-ass chick, Anita. She's basically a vampire slayer. The problem is it's hard to find someone to date when you work with cops during the day and raise the dead at night. It's complicated. Anyway, she runs into this guy who seems like he's perfect. They start dating, and, come to find out, the dude's the leader of the werewolf clan in town. What's worse, the vampire in charge of the city they live in totally has the hots for her. She hunts vampires, right? So, in theory, she should just kill the vamp and deal with the love she has for the dog. Problem is, she really has feelings for both of them. She doesn't want to have feelings for the vamp. She wants to want what the dog wants... a white picket fence and 2.5. But, she's starting to realize that she has to take the good with the bad, and the leader of a werewolf clan... he eats people, but he doesn't want to. Like I said, it's complicated." Jane tossed the book back on the nightstand. "Anyway, she's stuck between the vamp, who gets her like no one else but who everyone will judge her for dating because, well, he's a vamp, and the dog who everyone thinks she should get with because he's close to perfect. He can hide what he is and most people don't know about his weirdness, but he doesn't get her like the vamp does." Jane sighed. "I want to know if I should go with the vamp or the dog." She leaned forward, putting her forehead against her knees, wrapping her arms around her legs. "I want someone to love me for all of my faults, who gets me, who isn't trying to change me to fit some preconceived notion of how they think things should be. I want someone who wants me to be me and love me and not the idea of who I might be if some things were kind of different." She chuckled to herself. "I want a Jean-Claude, but that means being judged by everyone for being with someone that a lot of society thinks is deviant." Jane ran her hands over the back of her head, resting them there. "I bet she goes with the vamp, too."

Maura's smile became smaller, more personal, more real. It was one of the many expressions she wore often when in Jane's presence, yet almost never with anyone else. Most of the time, she was completely at sea when it came to social interaction, and she'd had her share of missteps with Jane too, but, unlike most people, Jane always gave her a chance to sort out what she'd meant versus what she'd said. She'd become confident. To be fair, Maura Isles had been confident for a long time, but on an academic or professional level, or in the sexual realms of flirtation and seduction, or in the areas of fashion, etiquette, and so on, places in which the rules were clear and easy to understand. Jane had helped her to be confident in social interactions too, at least when she was interacting with Jane herself. So Maura didn't have any hesitation at leaning over and embracing the lanky woman, shoulders and knees and all, and placing a kiss on the side of her head. "I don't understand your analogy. I do understand that you're conflicted, and that you want to be loved for your authentic self and not for the little pieces of half-truth and mask that are all most people have earned the right to be shown. I hope it helps to know that I love you... That's something friends can say, isn't it?" She broke off, not unconfident, but uncertain of social norms. "I do. And, if I can see even a small portion of the real, authentic Jane and find that much worth loving, I know that whenever you do decide to show someone even more, they won't be able to help themselves. They're going to love you so hard that it hurts."

Jane leaned into the embrace. She slowly unfurled herself and wrapped her arms around Maura, resting her head on the smaller woman's shoulder. For a brief moment, she stayed that way, clinging to Maura as if she were some sort of lifeline. With an uncertain voice, she tried again. "Maura?" She cleared her throat, but didn't move. "I... you're the only one."

Maura pulled back just a little bit, giving her eyes the chance to focus on Jane's face again. So much of what she understood came from observing minute muscle movements, things that most would recognize on an informal, even subconscious level, but which she'd had to learn as if it were a scholastic discipline instead of something she should have grown up knowing. She held back from speaking for a long moment, then asked, "Would it be easier for you if I give you something before I ask you to give me any more? If we're... even? Because right now, it looks like you're afraid of something. I'm afraid of something too, but I don't think you should always have to be the brave one."

The brunette slowly sat up as she thought about it. "Yeah," she nodded as she straightened the covers. "Yeah, it would. I don't think I can do this alone, Maur. I'm sorry." She tried, without success, to pull the guilty look from her face. Jane hated not being strong, especially for Maura.

Maura smiled reassurance, though she faltered almost immediately as she realized that being strong for Jane meant being exposed for Jane. A deep breath settled her enough that she wouldn't hyperventilate into looking like she was lying about anything. It didn't stop her from blushing all the way from her face down to her chest where it met the top of her camisole, but at least she could speak without stumbling over her own words. "Come here, Jane," she beckoned, shifting herself and nudging Jane until the two were able to sit quite close together, perfect for conversing with lots of hugs when - not if - they became wanted or needed. Then she scooped up both of Jane's hands in hers just to hold them, touching those places that she'd treasured so much simply because she knew no one else got to come close to them. "You never have to do anything alone. I want to say more about that, but first I need to apologize. What I said earlier was out of line. I don't think of it as an insult to assume someone is gay or bisexual, but I shouldn't have indulged in what essentially was just wishful thinking. It was wrong of me to do that. Even though I did think I was correct, I should have let you come to that thought in your own time, no matter how long it was taking - especially if I'd been wrong."

Jane watched Maura's hands as they glided across her scars. She listened intently, trying to follow the woman's line of thought, but the contact was distracting. She pulled away gently, putting her hands back in her lap. With a grimace, she looked back into the reassuring face before her. "I already knew, Maura. I just didn't want to deal with it." She blew a puff of air through her nose. "I still don't, but it's not just going to go away. I mean, you can't change who you are... no matter how hard you try." She frowned and looked down at her hands again. "Some things don't go away or fade over time, you know?" She held her hands closer to her face, as if noticing her scars for the very first time. "If I say this...this thing floating around in my head, and I'm wrong about part of it, what do I do then? I don't think I could deal with losing you, Maura."