WARNING: Massive AN - I am back from hiatus, friends. :) I've been up to my neck in real life dramas, school work and a major lack of mojo for writing... but for now, the creative juices are flowing again. HAPPY HALLOWEEN! What did ya'll dress up as? I was Malice in Horrorland ;) It's my birthday on Thursday (4 Nov) and I'm planning to upload Chapter 9 for you all. A birthday present from me. Haha. I hope you enjoy this one. This chapter is very important - many things happen for our Edward and Bella (surprise surprise). I like to call this the revelation chapter. As usual, the chapter song is on my profile. Let me know what you think of this one, friends. Personally, it's one of my faves.

A massive, huge, giant thank you to my guest beta, Misty, for filling in for our good friend Jen, who got married on Friday! Congrats babe! I hope your special day was amazing and filled with unconditional love (which I'm sure it was!)

Chapter 9: Not The Sun
Chapter Song: Not The Sun by Brand New


"Love is a sudden revelation;
A kiss is always a discovery."

-Unknown.


EPOV:

Winter. Winter. Winter.

Win... Ter. Win-fucking-ter.

I really fucking hate winter.

An apparent ludicrous comment to make to some. "How can you hate winter, Edward?", "But it's the season of kindness and love!", "That's just not normal, Edward." Well you know what, fuck you. Being a native from Chicago, these Forks winters don't have shit on my childhood city. But I digress. There was nothing fucking welcoming about the brittle crispness of winter air. There was nothing fucking welcoming about icy, foreboding roads and there sure as hell wasn't anything comforting about inches upon inches of snow that imprisons you indoors for days at a time. Not to mention the colds and flu that you're more than likely to succumb to.

So excuse me if I'm not a fucking winter enthusiast.

I really, really fucking hate winter.

Truth be told, I have detested winter with a searing passion since my parents died. The first Christmas without them was one of the most emotionally painful experiences of my childhood. Christmas time was meant to be the happiest time of a child's life, right? Not mine. It was a devastating reminder that my parents wouldn't be there to sing Christmas carols, or make homemade ginger bread man, or pass me presents under the Christmas tree. The first winter without them was the time my childhood innocence well and truly died. And fuck, when my grandparents died just three months after my parents...I never thought I would have been able to survive the pain that constantly tore through my gaping heart each and every moment of every day.

Did I also forget to mention I really, really, REALLY hate winter?

The only way I managed to survive the agony was to shut it all out until the memories wouldn't suffocate me anymore. For fifteen years I continued to run from any childhood memories that involved Elizabeth and Edward Masen Sr, good or bad. It seems that was much easier to just run from the problem, right? Wrong. Fucking dead wrong. There comes a time when you can't run from it any longer. I just couldn't do it anymore. In order for to me to grow and move on, although I was extremely reluctant in my own way to do so, I needed to come to terms with my parents death.

Yes, it was fucked up. Inexplicably monstrous. Evil. But it wasn't my fault. I finally let myself believe those words after fifteen years of blaming myself.

"It. Was. Not. My. Fault," I muttered against the coffee cup I held to my lips. The porcelain cup felt hot against my skin.

"What was that?" Alice asked as she cut through her strawberry waffles.

Every now and then I needed to speak the words out loud to somehow make it seem more...potent. Every time I speak the words, the gaping wound that my parents unintentionally left behind slowly started to heal.

Very fucking slowly.

"Just thinking about my parents."

She smiled sadly and put her knife and fork down. Alice and I had a heart to heart this morning. We shared secrets that we haven't shared with the rest of the world, and it was nice; incredibly painful, but still nice. I know it must have been so difficult for her to have kept her particular secret she shared with this morning from me for all these months, but I didn't blame her like she thought I would. If I were in her situation, I would have done the same thing.

Of course, it was torture to hear it all although I knew her secret already. Maybe that's what lessened the blow marginally.

"I'm so glad that Edward has someone else to talk to about this now. I was afraid he was going to explode at one point," Tanya said.

I had so much love for Tanya Denali it wasn't even funny. Before today, she had been the only person I could confide in these past few months. She has been there for me in so many different shapes and forms that I didn't know how to even begin to repay her... Not that she'd ever ask that of me, but I intend to repay her. How could I not? Of course I will.

As fucking dark as my life has been in recent months, she has been my light at the end of the tunnel. She's also the prevalent reason as to why I was able to move on, forgive myself for my parent's death, and travel to Chicago two weeks ago to visit my parents for the first time since the funeral.

Fuck oath, she certainly twisted my arm to go through with it and I'm glad she pushed me. If I hadn't gone there, I wouldn't have received any form of closure.

"You know about it?" Alice gasped.

"Edward told me, yes, but that was only because he didn't know what to do, or who to talk to at the time. I'm so glad you've confided in each other. Did you want me to leave so you can keep talking about it, or?"

"There's not much that can be said about it, Tanya."

"Your eyes say otherwise, big boy. You know, you never told me what went down in Chicago."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow the fuck down," Alice cried out. "You went back to Chicago?"

Thanks, Tanya. Really. Just thanks.

Fucking hell! What on earth am I going to tell them?

I purposely chewed slowly, buying myself some time. I tried to think of the best way to word my experience in Chicago just days ago.

"You went by yourself? We would have gone with you, Edward! Why didn't you tell us? When did you go?" Esme asked in one large gulp of breath.

Was it exhilarating? Hell no, that would involve any form of excitement. Humbling? Definitely not. Bitterweet? Surreal? Absolutely gut wrenching?

"I went a few days ago," I said quietly not able to look anyone in the eye at the moment. "It was extraordinary. That's the only word I can think of that could even come close to how it felt to go back home. I was bombarded with so many different memories."

"You didn't run, did you?" Tanya asked nervously.

"No." I took a deep breath and looked from Alice to Esme to Tanya, and even to Jen who was sitting on my lap. Her large blue eyes gazed into mine curiously and innocently. She tapped my lips with her tiny fingertips. Pain hit me square in the chest. "I've done enough running for a lifetime and a half."

That was all I knew how to do for so long run from hurt. In order to block out all of the bad, you had to wipe away the good, too. You had to run and run and keep running until you don't know why you're running anymore. It had gotten to the point where I almost forgot everything about my loving, admiral parents; my parents who died to save me. And how the fuck did I keep their memory alive? By pretending they never fucking existed.

Talk about a slap in the face.

"I realized something. Life's all about balance, yeah?"

"Like Ying and Yang, right?"

"Exactly. In order to experience the good, you have to go through the bad as well. Yeah, of course what happened to them was despicable but, because of all the bad, I pushed away the good and there was a shit load of good, you know? I didn't have one of those fucked up upbringings, filled with domestic violence, school bullying or me being a delinquent little shit."

"I can't imagine you as a child ever being a little shit," Esme said, grinning.

"Sh...eeeeett." Jen gurgled, giggling after she repeated our naughty word.

Esme's hand flew over her mouth in shock while Tanya and Alice howled with laughter. Jen grinned toothily at me and I couldn't help but laugh as well. She knew exactly what she was doing...the little shit.

Correction – sheet.

As Esme took Jen from my arms and mockingly told her off, I thought of long, hot summers and bronze hair that cascaded over the same green eyes I inherited.

My mom.

I thought back to my childhood.

Every summer my parents and I would go visit my grandparents on their farm. I always loved going to the farm being surrounded by fields of hay and the smell of the sunshine. We would sit on the porch for hours just sipping on lemonade and watching clouds dancing across the sky.

"Our ancestors are waving to us right now, Eddie," Mama said to me one summer, with a kind smile on her face. The smile she'd always smile. "When we leave this world, we reside in the sky, keeping watch over our loved ones. Protecting them."

She wrapped her arms around me and kissed the top of my head.

"We live in the sky when we die? Will you be watching me from the sky?"

"Of course I will, sweetie. And Grandma and Grandpa and Papa will, too."

"We will be watching over you, with the rest of our loved ones, forever at peace," Grandma said with an all knowing smile.

There were so many things I forced myself to forget until the day I visited the Masen farm where my family were all buried just days ago. The color of my mom's hair. The smirk I inherited from my dad. How small I was when he hugged me. My mother's soft hands as she wiped away my tears when I'd hurt myself. Their soft words of encouragement and eyes beaming with pride, no matter what I chose to do in life at the time, which wasn't much at all.

The anticipation...shit, there was so much of it. I was perspiring in the car as I drove up the winding driveway to my grandparent's farm, where the Masens had been buried generation after generation. As soon as I saw the large, two story farmhouse came into view, I was bombarded with pleasant memories and this time I didn't try to push them away.

I let myself slip beneath the surface of reality, and almost drowned in the good. I wanted to kick myself for not from returning to my roots sooner. Now that I was here, I couldn't explain the happiness I felt. Sure, it was bittersweet, because my parents weren't here, but it was almost as if light erupted through the home. Somehow I knew that my entire family was here, welcoming me home.

God, I had so many fond memories of that place. The smell of wheat. The way the sun would seem more vibrant in contrast to the orange of the farm. My father and I playing hide and seek for hours in the fields. He would always let me find him, no matter what. My mother and nonna teaching me how to make pumpkin pie. My pop making the best homemade lemonade this side of North America, and how he patiently taught me how to play the piano when I was five. Sitting on the porch with them, just watching the days roll in and out like time was never a factor.

I missed them so fucking much my chest ached.

I sat by their grave, leaning against their joint tombstone for hours, crying, laughing, talking and crying some more. I told them about everything that has happened in my life since they were cruelly taken from this world – my time in the asylum, my teaching degree, overcoming my mutism, my first encounter with the Cullen family. I told them how damn hard it was for me to come and see them, and the biggest obstacle of them all – Isabella Marie Swan.

I softly wiped away dirt and moss from their tombstones, placing the bouquet of flowers I brought with me in a vase by mom's grave when I began to speak well and truly from the heart.

"Mom, Dad," I rasped. "So much has happened since you've gone. I knew that there would be times where you would have told me to pull my finger out and keep going...but it's been hard."

I laughed sadly. "But I want you to know...I'm trying. I really am. I know that's all you'd ever want me to do. To try. It's just been draining. In the past few months I've been seeing a new psychologist. She's really helped me with some insecurities that I've been dealing with, especially with the blood thing."

I felt absolutely fucking ridiculous talking to two tombstones, but I couldn't stop talking. I needed to let all this shit out. I haven't had a soul that I could talk to about absolutely everything since Bella lost her memory. Not one fucking person. I took a deep breath and leaned against dad's stone.

"No one knows I'm here...well that's a lie." I smiled, thinking of Tanya. She helped me organize the trip without letting anyone know. That's what I loved about her. Even if she didn't approve of my choices, she still supported me. I would do the same for her. "I'm sorry it took me this long to come back. I was just running. I'm sure you know my reasons."

I looked up at the sky, as if they were waving at me from the heavens.

"You would have loved her," I told them about Bella quietly, as I listened to crickets frolicking around the fields of hay. "She has been through so much in her life, you know? You would have been devastated to hear it all, but you would have been proud of how strong she has become because of it. Since the whole amnesia ordeal, and finding out about...I just...I haven't been coping."

I trailed off, not truly ready to rip the band-aid off just yet. Instead, I talked about my work, and also tutoring in my spare time. About Carlisle and Esme, and how they reminded me so much of them. My goddaughter, Jen.

I wiped my tears away furiously, trying to get a grip.

"I'm so sorry it took me so long to come and see you. I hope you can forgive me for that...I...I just hope to someday make you both proud." I whispered through my tears.

Somehow I knew they were listening. There was something in the way the wind blew that told me they were sitting with me, telling me that they are proud. Or maybe that was my attempt at making myself feel a little less alone in the world.

The Masen family farm was inherited to me, of course. I was the only living ancestor left in the immediate family but could I ever return here?

I wasn't sure.

I wanted to, but it was too soon.

Maybe someday in the future, when I have my own children. Pain shot through me so swiftly I winced.

"Are you going to tell Bella the truth?" Tanya asked me as she took our empty plates over to the sink. She leaned against the basin and frowned when I didn't answer her. "Edward, you've got to tell her."

"Let's just leave it all alone for now." I said lamely.

Bella.

Of course everything always comes back to her. It seemed almost like gravity. An inevitable force of sorts. I knew that my love for her was somewhat unhealthy. Would most people be willing to do absolutely anything for their significant other even if they never asked the words for you to do so? I had a feeling that not many people would do absolutely anything for the one they love. There was not a single thing I wouldn't sacrifice for Bella. And it hurts so much more—were it a possibility—because she doesn't know it anymore.

She has no idea how much I really love her.

Sure, I was willing to fight for love but not when I'm the only one left fighting. Was this another damn epiphany of mine? Was I realizing that it was time to let Bella go? To no longer hold on to what we were, and move on with my life?

Fucking hell, the last thing I wanted to do was let her go. Every fiber of my deteriorating being was screaming at me not to be so fucking stupid...to just wait for her memory to come back. Then we could resume the rest of our lives together...

Why did those words seem so fucking deluded?

I was force feeding myself all of these fucking counterfeit disillusions of a happy ending for us. Good things come to those who wait, right? Wrong. Fucking wrong. Only until recently have I started to realize that there was a more than likely probability that the chances of Bella recovering her memory was about as likely as me becoming a rock star. That hurts more than her not knowing.

Maybe I really should put the house up for lease and move back to the Masen farm. Away from Forks. Away from Washington. Away from any reminder of the tall, slender young woman with chocolate brown eyes that doesn't love me anymore.

Fuck!

Stop. Thinking. About. Isabella. Fucking. Swan.

"You have to tell her the truth, especially since Alice and Carlisle suspect-"

"Don't," I said, feeling completely exasperated. "I can't think about the could've beens. I'll drown in them if I do. I can't handle anymore than I am right now."

"You'll never drown, son. We're your lifejackets." Esme sounded like such a mother.

"Or your arm floaties!"

"Or your...Noodle?" Alice offered.

"You're my wheat product?"

She laughed, sounding like bells. "You know, those long foam sticks that you sit on? Comes in many fashionable fluorescent colors?"

"Oh yeah!" Tanya exclaimed. "Those things are fudgin' AWESOME!"

Something in Alice's demeanor changed in the blink of an eye. Her brow was creased and she had a frown on her face. She looked around in a daze before her mouth parted in shock.

"I'll be right back," Alice practically yelled, walking quickly out of Charlie's kitchen before anyone could say anything in reply.

Apparently it didn't seem that out of the blue, because Esme and Tanya were on my ass again. They just don't fucking give up, do they?

"You have to tell her, Edward. She won't run from you like you think she will."

"For the love of all that is Holy," I growled. "Just drop it, please."

"I'll drop it, but only after you hear me out. You can't keep trying to keep everything from Bella. You love her. Any fool can see that. And you know what, she loves you as well. I could see it in her eyes last night. She's just too scared to tell you."

I sighed loudly.

"She was afraid, and for good reason. Her psychopath mother has finally tracked her down, and she needed comfort. That doesn't mean she loves me."

"Shut up, she loves you," Esme said, "and you're only hurting yourself by keeping the truth from her."

"She totally does! The way she looks at you is exactly how the old Bella used to. Nothing but unconditional love behind her eyes."

"She's right, son. Listen to your heart. What does it tell you?"

Home is where the heart is, Edward...And your heart is in her hands. It always has been, and always will be.

I prompted for a more witty response.

Before I could tell Esme that what she just said was really fucking lame, Alice came running back into the room, as pale as the snow outside. She was shaking like a leaf.

"Edward, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"What's wr-"

"Just follow me, okay?"

She started walking away before I even stood up. I had to jog to catch up with her, and when I did, she was already taking brisk strides up the stairs. I grew more and more anxious by the second. Her silence was eating at me. As we stood outside Bella's door, I knew what was wrong.

She threw open Bella's door and signaled with her hand for me to go in first. My blood froze dead in my veins as I realized that Bella wasn't anywhere to be seen. I rushed to the window, seeing that her truck was gone.

"Fuck!" I yelled.

My heart started racing erratically. I followed her out of the room and we split up as we searched every room for Bella. Ten minutes later, we met back down in the kitchen. Esme and Tanya were looking at us, wild eyed. We hadn't told them what we discovered.

"Did you find her?"

"No."

"Did you?"

"No."

"Shit!" Alice yelled angrily, picking up her car keys.

"We have to find her."

I quickly ran upstairs to put my shoes back on. I wanted to fucking hit myself for not keeping a better eye on her. How long had she been gone? Was she even safe right now? I tried to weigh all of the places where Bella would have gone, but my mind came up short, mainly because I don't know where this new Bella would go.

Don't call her that. She's still Bella. You know she is.

How could none of us have noticed she left? Who knows how long she's been gone? What the fuck were we going to do if something happened to her?

I glanced at her suitcase that was thrown open carelessly; the one I brought over for her last night. I knew that her wallet, which I put in at the top, was gone. It was a bright pink Hello Kitty wallet. Very hard to miss. That could only mean she would go to the one place she hasn't since she woke up…our home.

My heart stopped dead in my chest.

I ran as fast I could back to Alice. I could hear her talking frantically fast to Esme and Tanya. The front door was wide open.

"Alice," I said as I met her outside. "I think I know where she went."

"Then lead the way, Eddie," she said as she threw me her car keys.


BPOV:

I stood outside, staring at the cottage in disbelief and astonishment.

I used to live here?

My mouth fell open and I felt completely dumfounded. This place...it was truly beautiful. It was definitely not something that I expected a twenty year old to live in comfortably. The house looked like something out of a freakin' Disney movie, not somewhere you'd live in Forks, Washington! It was a beautiful stone cottage, with a gravel driveway. I walked through the garden, which had a table and chairs near the front door. The garden was breathtaking, flowers blooming with pink, white, red and purple. Their scent was divine. I smiled to myself. This place immediately feels like home to me. For the first time in three months, it feels like I've found the place where I belong.

I originally only wanted to come here to pick up the rest of my possessions, but now I'm extremely intrigued.

I stood in front of the front door, suddenly feeling lost. Should I really be doing this? I know what I'm doing is wrong...holy shit, it's wrong...breaking and entering into Edward's home. In my defense, this was once my home too. I prepared meals in the kitchen, watched television in the lounge, relaxed in bed and talked to him in these walls. We shared this place...together.

I pulled out the set of keys and tried to fit each one in the front door. When hope was dwindling, and I was down to my last key, it slid in easily and opened. I slowly walked inside, and felt several different emotions wash over me.

This is my home.

I left the front door open, completely captivated by this house.

I know this house.

The inside was almost the polar opposite to what I expected. The outside is old fashioned, but timeless, but the inside is…completely modern. I stood still in the lounge room, taking it all in. It was extremely simplistic, but not in a bad way. I kicked off my shoes and walked over the black and white carpet. The wool tickled the bottom of my feet and in between my toes. I turned on the wall lamp next to the television and stared out the large windows.

The backyard was stunning, much like the front yard. Hundreds of thousands of trees blended and molded together far into the distance, like a painting. The sky was bright blue, not a cloud in the sky. There were several photo frames on the mantelpiece. There was one photo that immediately caught my attention. My heart skipped a beat at the sight of it.

It was a photo of Edward and me. It was obviously a candid shot. Whoever took the photo did a fantastic job. We were standing in a gazebo overlooking Forks National Forest, staring into each other's eyes. The sun was just beginning to set, purples and oranges blending in together beautifully. My arms were wrapped around his neck and his around my waist. We looked so...in love. I put the photo frame down. How is that possible? We were just friends. He looked me in the eye and told me that's all we were. Friends. He wouldn't lie to me, would he? I frowned. I'm obviously over analyzing the situation. Maybe I could just see how in love I was with him?

I walked down the hallway looking for my bedroom. There was a tight feeling in my chest. My fingers lightly brushed against the walls as I continued walking.

It was a beautiful home, but how could we both afford to live here? There is no way that two people under twenty five could afford such a lavish home like this. And why was it only just us two? Wouldn't that be weird? How was I able to look at him without noticing his beauty? Maybe I loved him, but never told him. Or maybe we really were just friends. What on earth would he see in a girl like me anyway? That's probably why he avoided me for so long, despite his explanation.

I opened the first door in the corridor, walking in quickly. It was a bedroom, with a blue feature wall, but mostly white wall paper. Was this my room? I opened the drawers and found jackets and dresses, but otherwise no other clothing that belonged to me. I stared at the double bed and its crisp white sheets and felt nothing. Maybe this is Edward's room? I opened several other doors in the corridor, only finding a study and a bathroom. I let out a shaky breath as I opened the last door, at the end of the hallway and stepped in.

I stumbled back, against the door, losing my breath.

"I know this room," I whispered.

I couldn't believe it! Familiarity gripped me so tightly it was hard to breathe. It was easily the largest of the two bedrooms in the home, wide and spacious and welcoming. Paintings in large frames were in the far corner. The walls were painted a dark cream color and candles sat on one of the bedside drawers. The bed was king size and one side was unmade. It looks like this was Edward's room. If that's the case, why do I feel like this is my room?

I ran to the drawers, seeing my face through the large mirror above it. I had tears in my eyes and I was as pale as a ghost.

I know this room.

The glass vase filled with lilies and roses shook violently as I threw open the top drawer, searching for my clothes. For anything that showed me that this was my room. Clothes that were far too masculine to be mine were in the six drawers. I growled and paced frantically. There was another closet by the door. I threw the drawer open, almost knocking a potted plant on the top over. I saw several pairs of jeans and t-shirts, along with girl's shoes.

My knees met the floorboards with a loud thud.

This was Edward's and my room. Our room.

That would mean that he lied to me. There is no fucking way that we would share a room and just be friends. How could he lie to me like this? Did he take satisfaction in looking at me as if I meant nothing to him? Maybe that was exactly how he thought of me, as just a liability and this was a perfect chance for him to start fresh. Away from me.

I walked past the polished, black drawers and sat on the right side of the bed where the covers were neat. I picked up the photo frame, my fingers brushing across the glass. It was another photograph of Edward and me.

It was a black and white photograph, at a house I didn't know. There were lanterns lighting the area, where it was dark, and Edward had his arm wrapped around my shoulder. We were both dressed formally, him in a tuxedo and I in a silk dress. I was leaning against his shoulder smiling. Our faces were barely touching. He was looking at me serenely. I shakily put the frame back down feeling frantic.

By the window there was a chair filled with Edward's clothes. My heart fluttered at the thought of Edward and I sharing this bed together...

On the same bedside drawer that had the photo frame, I noticed something I didn't before. It was a dried out white flower, a rose to be precise, with specks of brown. Could that be...blood? Why would Edward keep something like that? I gnawed at my lip, not knowing what to do. I glanced at the time. The sun would be setting soon, thanks to winter. I got up to walk out, but something pulled me back to the flower. I leaned forward, looking at the dried out flower curiously.

When my fingers brushed against the dry petals, I gasped.

Images flashed through my mind like I was watching a film. The first image was of Alice and me when we were children, running through an open field, holding hands and laughing. Then I saw Esme, Alice and I, still young, sitting at a table eating lasagna.

The images started flashing across my eyelids faster.

Flash, flash, flash.

My mother pulling me away from a house in flames. I was screaming and she was maniacal, yelling back at me. My mother hitting my so hard I slammed against a wall. Sitting in a hospital wing staring at Renee reading a magazine. Walking through a hospital ward feeling lost. Seeing Carlisle, smiling at me patiently for the first time. Meeting my dad when I was eighteen...the way his hands shook when I stared at him.

Flash, flash, flash.

Slamming into a warm, tall boy. Looking into his eyes and feeling as if time stopped. Edward. Him tending to my wounds, telling me that he never wants to lose me. Finding out the truth about Alice. The court trial. Him handing me a house key and whispering 'welcome home' in my ear. Holding my goddaughter, Jen, for the first time. My first time with Edward. Confiding in Alice about my excitable secret. Nights where we babysat Jen and Edward asked if I ever wanted kids. Falling from the cliff at First beach. Looking up as I was falling to see Renee staring at me.

"Oh my God." I dropped the flower and it made no sound as it fell to the ground.

I remember...everything.