Chapter 8
"Coming to Terms"
Part III
1.
Although her eyes were trained on the wall of the conference room, the mind of Alyssa Shepard was a thousand light years away. It was more than simple distance though. In an attempt to escape the self-doubt of her current situation, her thoughts had taken her on a trip to the past. Once again she found herself standing on Mindoir. Unlike the last time she'd been here, Alyssa was only a visitor now. The time when she might have made a difference here had long since passed. Maybe if she'd been stronger or quicker Shepard could have done something differently here. If only she'd had her N7 training to back her up instead of a sixteen-year-old girl's education. It's unlikely she could have saved everybody, not against a Batarian raiding party, but she might have been able to save some. Moot point that it might be, Commander Shepard couldn't help but speculate.
"So this is where you grew up? I always wondered what it might be like." Shaken by the familiar voice, Shepard turned to see Liara T'Soni standing next to her. She was wearing the same white and green lab gear she'd been wearing when they'd rescued her. Her arms were crossed defiantly over her chest and the somewhat arrogant look on her face was something Alyssa was unaccustomed to. Liara's head turned from side to side as she took in her surroundings. "Small wonder it fell to the Batarians so easily. Minimal defensive systems and a small garrison of rested and lazy soldiers." Her gaze turned, her eyes locking on Shepard's, "I'm surprised Mindoir stood for as long as it did."
"Is there a reason you're here?" Alyssa asked, steeling herself with the knowledge that this wasn't really Liara. This woman, insofar as appearance was concerned at least, standing next to her was a construct of her own broken mind. It was all of the negative feelings she had personified. Earlier today this specter had tried to get Shepard to give in to her own grief. It had failed, but largely because Kasumi had been quick on her feet.
Aside from the ghost of Christmas past standing next to her, the memory felt so real. Shepard could almost feel the arid summer heat, could almost feel the sweat dripping from her forehead. Mindoir might not have been locked in the stone-age, but it certainly wasn't the lap of luxury either. She could clearly remember what it had been like on those muggy summer days when their living unit's climate control had been on the fritz. As rough as it had been at times, Alyssa sometimes missed it.
"I simply wanted to see where my love was born," she smiled in that way that Liara had and, for a moment, Shepard could almost forget that it wasn't really her Asari lover standing beside her. T'Soni nodded her head. "A little warm for my taste but nice none the less." She paused. "Rustic," she finally added.
Shepard rolled her eyes and started walking, only now noticing that this bastardization of Liara had taken her hand. "You think I'm not real, that I'm just some messed up portion of your own mind."
"That sums it up pretty well," Alyssa said, pulling her hand away.
"That's not entirely true you know," the Asari said, "Is that where you went to school?" She was pointing at a tall structure, at least by the standards of any other nearby building. It stood two stories tall. Like most of the housing units the school had been built from a kit. It also doubled as the colony's government building. It was lined with windows on both floors, and when the sun hit it just right, the grey metal seemed to shine. The courtyard was filled with students and teachers enjoying their free period. To Alyssa it had always seemed more a prison then a place of learning. To be fair, Shepard had always enjoyed learning, but she preferred to do so by doing. Somehow taking the information from a terminal, or an instructor who had taken the information from a terminal, cheapened the knowledge. Intelligence and wisdom, in her eyes, were things to be earned, not given.
"What do you mean?" Shepard asked, glancing back at her unwanted companion.
"I mean," The blue woman began, "is this where you learned –"
"The other thing," Alyssa shot back before Liara could finish. "What did you mean when you said that's not entirely true."
There was a pause before Liara continued rather lazily, "When Asari mate, they join in body and mind."
"I know that," Shepard said impatiently, "What's your point?" She was becoming annoyed.
"Well, when they join, their bodies and mind become one for a time," Liara stepped closer to Shepard and took her hand. "You remember how pleasant that can be, right?" she whispered, her other hand drifting down the side of Alyssa's body. "You remember how wonderful it feels?" she was breathing in Shepard's ear now.
The blond tore herself away. "Once again, get to the point!"
"I tried to explain this before, but you just wouldn't listen." Liara shook her head disdainfully, "You've always been so stubborn Alyssa. I guess maybe that's one of the things I love about you. It reminds me a little of Benezia." Alyssa rolled her eyes again. "When the joining ends, a small piece of each person is left with the other. The more two partners join, the more potent that piece becomes. The more connected the couple becomes. I may be partly you, but she is in here too, whether you choose to believe it or not, and she's extremely sad for you right now."
"Save it," Alyssa said. "I don't need your pity." She made a show of walking off, toward the building. "You tried to kill me!" she shouted, throwing her hands up in the air.
Despite her somewhat harsh view of the learning process, there were times when she would have given anything to be back within those walls. Life had been so much simpler then. Her daily routine hadn't consisted of making life and death decisions that could come back to change the fate of the entire galaxy. Mostly said routine had consisted of spending her days outside skinning her knees and getting into just the right amount of trouble, and then rushing to get her homework done before she went to bed for the night. Maybe life had seemed somewhat constrictive back then, but she couldn't help but feel it would be a relief to retreat back into that life, to leave behind the cosmic struggle.
She was supposed to be humanity's best chance against the Reapers and the Collectors? What a joke. Yet despite her own misgivings, Cerberus had believed in her enough to spend two years and millions of credits to wrench her back from the jaws of oblivion. The very idea was ludicrous to Alyssa, like something out of a badly written sci-fi holo. She'd nearly gotten herself killed leading a an assault on a second rate weapon dealer's vault, and she was supposed to lead a team of specialists through the Omega Four Relay and into God only knew what. If the situation weren't so serious Shepard might have laughed.
If there really was a god, If Alyssa Shepard's life truly was in the hands of some great cosmic power, then maybe this was her penance. If Heaven and Hell existed, if there was an afterlife, then maybe this was it. Maybe Alyssa Shepard had died, gone down with her ship, and her soul was destined to spend eternity in constant struggle. She'd been far from perfect, and she'd definitely done things that she wasn't proud of, so maybe she was paying for that now. Maybe this world of depression and self-doubt, so similar to the world she had known and yet so drastically different, was her own personal Hell.
The sun loomed large in the cloudless blue sky overhead. It was noon now. That meant that the morning classes were nearing their end. On any other day, there would have been an hour and a half of free time before afternoon classes began. This was the one day in Mindoir's history when things had played out differently. After today, nothing would ever play out the same again for anybody unfortunate enough to be here. She watched the people outside as they went about their daily business. To them it was still a day just like any other. It would still be a few minutes before most of them began to live in their last precious moments.
"They have no idea," a voice whispered softly beside her.
Shepard allowed her irritation at Liara's presence to pass through her. "How could they?" Shepard started walking toward the building, but in the blink of an eye her surroundings shifted.
Now she was standing in the back of that classroom, near the windows. The sun was shining in and right now everything was as it should be. Her class was small, only six other students and every one of them seemed to be doing their best to remain awake as the instructor lectured on in that drab monotone she had been so certain they practiced in front of the mirror. From her vantage point, she could see her younger self. Young Alyssa had her long blond hair tied back in a ponytail and was using her hand to hold her chin up in a barely successful run at staying awake. The lecture itself was lost to time. On her left sat Kendra her best friend. The young brunette was doing a much better job of absorbing the lecture than Alyssa. It was one thing she would always remember about her friend, that passion for knowledge and her ability to learn and adapt quickly.
"She's very attractive," Liara said softly, gesturing toward the other student.
"You don't get to talk about her," Shepard said bluntly. There was no anger in her voice, but it was as firm and resolute as it had ever been in her life.
The representation of Liara simply nodded.
It was strange. When the air raid sirens began to blare, when the explosions from nearby buildings and weapons fire began to shake the building, there was a brief instant of calm. It was as though nobody honestly believed anything was happening. Up until now Mindoir had been a peaceful place. It was like they couldn't process the fact that an attack was happening. Shepard watched her younger self as the commotion broke out. She watched as the sixteen-year-old girl she had once been made eye contact with Kendra. Shepard could remember the exchange perfectly. Her memory was far from eidetic but that moment would remain with her until the day she died and, she realized now, apparently well beyond that as well. Alyssa remembered doing her best to reassure Kendra, to show her that everything was going to be okay.
It wouldn't of course. The Batarians were ruthless, wholly without mercy or compassion. The bastards would take anybody they felt they could turn a profit on. Most of the people they left behind would be either dead or dying. Some of the women and girls would be violated and then, if their assailant was feeling particularly sated, murdered and put out of their misery. Their used bodies would be left, naked and bloodied, in a silent monument to their time here.
Shepard could remember how terrified she'd been during the attack, how helpless she'd felt and it wall all she could do to keep from reliving those emotions in full force. If she could have, the marine would have run up to her younger self and Kendra, taken them in her arms and whisked them away to safety. Obviously she couldn't though. All she could do was watch as everything unfolded.
"I've never felt as helpless or useless in as I did in that moment," she said softly. "After the attack I swore I'd never feel that way again." Alyssa was speaking more to herself than her unwanted companion, but when she felt a soft, reassuring hand on her shoulder, she chose not to pull away from it.
"And you kept that promise." Liara, or whatever she was, stepped up beside her. "There was nothing you could have done Alyssa," she said soothingly. "If you'd tried you would have died like the others."
The blond shook her head slowly. "I wish that made me feel better." It was strange to be having this quiet moment of reflection against the chaos and pandemonium that was breaking out around them.
The students were all on their feet now, but she had to hand it to their instructor. He had known how to lead, how to take charge of a situation. He was doing his best to keep everybody calm and collected and was doing a very good job overall. Unfortunately that was when another explosion hit nearby. The ground shook violently around them. Books were knocked from their shelves and pictures fell from the wall. People began to scream and cry out. Through the window behind her, she could see that several nearby buildings were burning with a hot red glow. As this went on, she tried very hard not to think about what was happening to her parents right now. In an effort to stave off those thoughts, she continued to focus on the image of her younger self.
The next minutes were a blur in her memory, a sickening cacophony of panicked screams, weapons fire, and explosions. The fear had been palpable, and extremely contagious. They were out in the hall now and, although Mr. Kennedy had done an exemplary job in keeping them ordered and organized despite their desperation, many of the other teachers had been decidedly less successful. The walkways were filled with people trying to rush this way and that, their bodies tangling. Some were knocked to the floor and trampled. That was when Alyssa had lost her group.
Overwhelmed, needing to escape the escalading pile up of people trying to flee, She'd found her way into a utility closet and locked the door shut behind her. Unable to think, she had curled up on the floor, her hands around her knees as she tried to make herself as small and unnoticed as she could. At the time she couldn't be sure how much time had passed. It could have been minutes, hours, even days and she wouldn't have known the difference. In the darkness, a thin metallic door her only barrier against the screams of horror and pain, her own anxiety had grown. In some ways it was worse than being out in the onslaught. Unable to see what was happening, her imagination had taken full reign.
When the door opened and she saw the man reaching out toward her the first thing she did, Alyssa's first instinct, was to lunge at him in an attempt to knock him to the ground so that she could escape. When he took hold of her, and others came in for support, she'd flailed and screamed and cursed him over and over again. In the end it had taken three of the soldiers to completely subdue her and convince the screaming young woman that they were there to help.
"Three grown men to take down on young woman," Liara sounded impressed. "You've always been a fighter, haven't you?"
Shepard didn't respond. She knew that the worst was yet to come and she was bracing herself in preparation for the memory of what had happened next.
The help, if it could be called that, was too little and far too late. By the time the Alliance had arrived, Mindoir had been devastated, the population reduced to a fraction of its former total. It had taken a while for her to calm down enough to accept the soldiers' help, and longer still to wrap her mind around what had happened. It had been, she would learn, almost a day and a half since she had locked herself in that closet. Now, as she looked around, she saw the results of the devastating attack, saw what would have happened to her if she had stayed with her group in their attempt to reach the shelter.
They hadn't made it. In fact, it didn't seem as though anybody had made it out of the school. Bodies lay burnt and broken in piles throughout the hall. The smell was far worse than the sight though. Sometimes on special occasions her father would grill hamburgers or steaks outside over a fire. Alyssa had loved the smell. Her mouth would always water when she thought about how good that meal was going to be. The school smelled a little too much like that for her taste. Instead of making her mouth water, it had made her wretch violently, losing anything her stomach had left in it all over her shoes. The aroma she had once savored was making her sick. She doubled over several more times as the soldiers led her through the aftermath of the attack.
Shepard followed her young counterpart in silence, feeling every ounce of the pain that the sixteen-year-old was experiencing. As they walked, she was all too aware that Liara was still following closely behind, but she didn't care anymore. Let her follow. Maybe she was just a deranged portion of Shepard's own mind, and maybe she was in part a piece of the real Liara. In the end, what did it really matter? She was here all the same and she obviously wasn't going anywhere.
The soldiers were nice enough, but it was painfully clear that dealing with distraught civilians didn't figure largely into their training, at least not on a personal level. They tried though. One of them in particular, the man that she had tried to knock over in her bid for escape did his best to comfort her. Nothing they could do or say would be enough though. It would be years, Shepard now knew, before she would be able to put this atrocity behind her. Perhaps a part of her never would. The worst part of her trek through the battered school was yet to come. Doubling over with dry heaves, her eyes focused on something in her periphery.
Her body was laid out apart from the others as though it had been casually tossed aside. The exposed flesh was charred and black in places and Alyssa swore she could smell it from where she'd been standing that day. The long dark hair that she'd taken so much pride in was singed and burned away, exposing her blackened scalp in places. Even through the disfigurations and mutilations, Alyssa had known she was looking at Kendra. Her clothing had burned away in places and in others it looked as though it had been ripped apart. Her long legs were spread apart and it hadn't taken Alyssa long to realize what had happened. In a burst of adrenaline, she tore her wrist away from the marine who'd been helping to support her and ran over to her fallen friend. It wasn't enough that those bastards had taken that promising young life, but they'd had the nerve to rape her before doing so.
Alyssa had cried out as she ran, finally dropping to her knees beside her fallen friend. She took the girl's charred hand in her own and squeezed it gently. The softness that had once been there was gone. Now the badly burned flesh was rough and flaky. The skin felt as though it might come apart in her hand. Tears fell from Alyssa's eyes and even Shepard, the silent visitor to this bygone time, was having trouble keeping her eyes dry as she remembered this devastating turn of events.
"You loved her, didn't you?" Liara asked softly, coming up behind Shepard and wrapping her arms tightly around the Commander's waist.
Shepard could only nod. She couldn't bring herself to say anything.
"She was the first, wasn't she?" the Asari asked, tightening her hold. "The first person you ever loved?"
"She was," Alyssa said. At a time in her life when her peers had started dating and talking about men and sex, it hadn't taken her long to realize that she was different. It wasn't that she hated men because she didn't. Several of her close friends had been male. She'd just never been interested in men on an intimate level. To put it bluntly, they didn't turn her on. Her attractions and interests laid elsewhere. Specifically they lay with her dead friend in a burnt and ruined pile on the floor. It was made all the more painful by the fact that she'd been working up the courage to talk to Kendra about her feelings. Now she would never have the chance. Those Batarian bastards had taken that away from her and she would never forgive them for that. Her ire would grow all the more later on when she learned what had happened to her parents.
"For what it's worth," her phantom lover whispered, "I'm so sorry you had to go through that Alyssa."
At the moment, it wasn't worth a hell of a lot.
Shepard sighed, the ruin of the Mindoir schoolhouse vanishing around her as she returned to the here and now. Liara vanished along with it, and she found herself wondering why she'd subjected herself to those memories. With everything else going on in her – was it right to call it a life? – why did she feel a need to put herself through that pain and punishment again? Was the new and improved Alyssa Shepard some kind of sadist, eager to make herself suffer?
But maybe that was the point, she thought. Since she'd awakened, her mind had been all over the place, and maybe she'd just been desperate to feel something genuine. It had been the defining moment in her life, and maybe she had been hoping that reliving it would help to remind her who she truly was. In a strange way that she couldn't quite explain, knowing that she still felt so terrible about that day, made her feel a little bit better.
2.
Kelly Chambers inhaled deeply as she stood outside the door to the conference room. She couldn't help but wonder what Commander Shepard might want to speak to her about. Kasumi had been extremely vague about the specifics, but it sounded like something had gone wrong on Beckenstein. She knew that it was the height of wishful thinking to hope that Shepard might want to see her about something other than a purely professional matter, but part of her wanted it to be true. Try as she might, the yeoman still couldn't shake the imagery or sensations from the previous night's dream. She could still feel Shepard's lips on her own, her hands greedily traversing her aching body.
"Deep breath Kelly," she whispered to herself.
Pushing the dream away as best she could, she stepped up and allowed the thin door to move aside. Shepard was inside, but her back was turned on the door. She was on the far end of the room, hands clasped behind her back, head tilted slightly upward as though she were staring at something high up on the wall. After another long cleansing breath, Chambers steeled herself for whatever might follow and stepped inside, walking up to the table in the center of the room.
"You wanted to see me ma'am?" she asked.
There was a short moment of silence before Shepard spoke, "I haven't been blond since I was sixteen." Her voice was soft and distant, as though she were returning from a faraway place.
"Ma'am?" Kelly asked.
Shepard turned around and there was a look in her eyes, a longing that Kelly didn't care for. It was painfully clear that the longing had nothing to do with Kelly herself.
"When I woke up in the lab on Lazarus Station, I caught my reflection in the glass. I didn't have much time to think about it then, but it was one of the first things I noticed." She paused. "I dyed it shortly after the attack on Mindoir and it's been black ever since." A long soft sigh escaped her lips.
Eager to hear where this was leading, Kelly waited for Shepard to continue.
"Strange," Shepard said, "Everything that's happened in the last several days, and I'm thinking about my hair color."
"Sometimes," Kelly said, setting her hand held terminal down on the table, "when something is too big or overwhelming for us to process, our mind will find other things to focus on, things that we can deal with." She paused for a moment, "It's actually pretty common." A deep breath later, she continued, "You wanted to see me about something Commander?"
Shepard nodded. "I've told you how I feel about therapy Yeoman. Discussing my emotions isn't something that comes naturally, but after what happened to me on Beckenstein, Kasumi suggested I speak to you." There was a tentative quiet that followed before she spoke again, "I'm not really sure how this goes, or whether or not it will even work, but I don't really know what else to do." The blond leaned forward, resting her hands on the wooden table.
"I'll do whatever I can Commander," Kelly said kindly. "Why don't you start by telling me what happened on Beckenstein."
Commander Shepard nodded and, for just a moment her eyes had that faraway look again. "We went in to retrieve something for Kasumi, something that had belonged to somebody important to her. The plan was to go in undercover, gain access to Hock's vault, get the item and get back out, but it didn't go exactly as planned, and we found ourselves pinned down and under fire."
"Go on."
"I don't know what came over me," Shepard said, and Kelly could hear the frustration in her voice. "I've been in hundreds of fire fights and one thing that you never ever do is give up your cover and run right out into the open while the enemy has the upper hand. I wasn't thinking clearly though. Actually," she stopped for a moment, "I don't know what I was thinking, or even if I was thinking at all, but I think…" her voice trailed off.
"Think what?" Kelly asked, tilting her head.
She noticed that, try as she might Commander Shepard was refusing to meet her gaze. There was something a little scary about her demeanor. "What is it Commander?" She hoped that her fear and apprehension wasn't apparent in her voice.
"I think I was trying to get myself killed."
The silence hung like a lead weight for a moment before the younger redhead cut it loose, "Why do you say that Commander?"
Shepard took a deep breath and turned her eyes toward the ceiling, "I can't really remember what I was thinking. It's kind of a haze, but I remember just losing my sense of self control and giving in." She crossed her arms again and, although her face was pointed toward the Yeoman, her eyes were looking off to the left. "I don't really know what came over me." Her head shook slightly from side to side and she exhaled long and softly. "One minute I was in control, taking cover behind one of the exhibits. I looked over at Kasumi and tried to gauge the situation. When she vanished and ran into the fray I just lost it." Apparently unable to keep still, Commander Shepard began to pace back and forth across the span of a few feet. She seemed extremely focused on her feet.
"Is this the first time you've felt that loss of control?" Kelly asked quietly, leaning back against the wall and wrapping her arms across her chest. "Have you felt it before since you were revived?" As she waited for an answer, she found herself focusing on the Commander and her movements. There was definitely tenseness in her posture and movement. Chambers couldn't be sure whether Shepard was just anxious about talking to her, or whether she still wasn't in complete control of her nerves, but the Yeoman would have bet her career on the latter. Her legs, one of which was bandaged, seemed a little shaky. Again, that could have been due to the wound, but Kelly doubted it.
To her surprise, the blond laughed. "Revived," she whispered. "Revived," she seemed focused on the word now, drawing it out and playing with it. "Makes it sound like somebody administered CPR," she said. Now she was facing Kelly, eyes and all, and there was a fire there that Kelly hadn't seen since she'd viewed Shepard's argument with Miss Lawson and Mr. Taylor from the other side of a pane of sound proof glass. It was a little frightening, but Kelly was determined to hold her ground. "I think resurrected would be a better word." For once Shepard's voice was level and firm. "You didn't revive me. You brought me back from the fucking dead!" Even through the façade of calm she was attempting to project, Kelly couldn't help but jump a little when the Commander brought her fist down on the table with a resounding crack.
It was a wonder that the wood didn't splinter.
There were times when a therapist needed to jump in, to help guide the conversation toward resolution and there were other times when it was better to let the patient fill in the silence. She knew it was a tried and true technique because their mutual friend Kasumi had used it on her the other day to get her to talk about her family, and Kelly had fallen right into the trap. She simply nodded and waited for the emotionally battered woman to continue. It took a few moments and the younger woman nearly began to speak despite herself. Shepard seemed to have that effect on her though. She couldn't help but want to talk when the other woman was around.
"But what if you didn't," Shepard asked almost meekly. "I keep thinking that maybe I'm not really me." She tilted her head back, closed her eyes and took a long, drawn out breath. "What if I just think I am?"
Kelly tilted her head, her eyes opening a little wider as she stepped forward. "I'm not sure I follow Commander." In truth, she had a pretty good idea where this conversation was heading and she was pretty certain that she was about to get in a little over her head, but she was hoping that getting Shepard to elaborate, to talk about it a little more, would help. "Why do you think you might not be you?"
"I," she paused, "Alyssa Shepard died when the Normandy was attacked by the Collectors," she finally continued. "She was blasted out into space, her air supply quickly leaking, and then she plummeted through the atmosphere of a planet and crashed and burned. Nobody could survive that and it's difficult to believe, money non-withstanding, that anybody could be brought back from that."
When she got quiet this time, it seemed as though all of the sound had been sucked from the room, like they existed in a noiseless vacuum. "I can't remember anything during the time I… the time I was dead." Once again she was looking away, avoiding Kelly's gaze. "Are you religious?" She asked. "Do you believe in a higher power?"
This time it was Kelly's turn to hesitate. "I guess," she finally said, "I've never really given it much thought." Her words were slow and measured. It wasn't something that she discussed much and in truth, it was a difficult question. "I guess I've always believed in the human spirit, our ability to survive and excel. It's why I chose the line of work I did. What about you Commander?"
"Reminds me of a conversation I once had with Ash," she said quietly in an almost faraway voice, "I guess if you had asked me before this, I would have said yes, but it wasn't something that defined me." A moment's reflection later she said, "I guess I always kind of took it for granted. It was something that was always there, but kind of in the background if that makes sense."
Kelly nodded. "And what if somebody asked you now?"
This chuckle was soft and without any real emotion behind it. "I honestly don't know. If God exists, if there's an afterlife then why don't I remember any of it. You hear stories about people on the brink of death seeing a bright light, and even stories about what they saw before they were," she paused, "revived," there was a rather sarcastic inflection on the word, "but I have nothing. I remember being thrown out into space, and then waking up in the lab and it was like no time had passed."
"And you think that means there's no afterlife?" Chambers concluded.
"Maybe," Shepard admitted, leaning back against the wall, "but what if there is? What if Alyssa Shepard did die, and what if she's there right now? If there is a human spirit, a soul, what if it didn't come back when I woke up?"
Kelly took a deep breath. This was definitely beyond her pay grade, but she felt she should try something here. Seeing the Commander hurt like this made her hurt too and she wanted to do anything she could to help alleviate it.
She decided to start with some honesty as she made her way around the table. "I'm not going to pretend I have those answers Commander. You're asking yourself questions that people have been struggling with since the dawn of civilization. I'm also not going to pretend to understand what you're going through or what you're feeling. You're dealing with something that, to the best of my knowledge, is unique in human history." It was a struggle for Kelly. Shepard's pain was almost tangible and she wanted nothing more than to rush over and take the other woman in her arms, gently stroke her short, blond hair, and tell her that everything was going to be okay. Fortunately for her, professionalism took control and gently pushed those emotional responses to the side.
"I will tell you that you're not alone Commander Shepard. I might not be able to answer your questions or put your mind at rest, but I'll do everything I can to help you make some kind of peace with yourself. As painful as it might be, I think you're asking yourself the right questions. If there is a soul," she was half way around the table now, "People believe that it's responsible, at least in part, for our emotional outlook on life, for a beliefs and morals. So let me ask you another question; how do you feel about the Collector attacks?" She was standing a foot or two away from the Commander now. She shooed away the part of herself that wanted to be even closer, tried very hard not to think about the past night's dream for the hundredth time.
"They have to be stopped," Shepard said firmly. The resolve was in her voice again, and her gaze became forceful. Kelly could have stared into those eyes for hours, gotten lost in a world that she'd never want to return from, but now was not the time. Probably, she realized, there never would be a time. "People, humans are being abducted, taken from their homes," there was an extra edge in her voice now, "and I'm certain the Reapers are involve somehow."
"Are you saying you feel that way because you believe it, or because it's hardwired in?"
"How the hell can you even ask me that?" Shepard demanded. "Of course I believe it!"
Kelly allowed a faint smile. "I didn't mean to offend you Commander. It just seems to me that you're uncertain about so much that I thought it might help to focus on something you are certain of, something you feel with every fiber of your being. You might feel like you don't know what's real or what matters, but it seems to me that there's at least one thing that's real to you."
The admission and a moment of silence seemed to deflate Commander Shepard a little. "Maybe you're right," she said having calmed down a little. "I'm just not sure if it's enough. The stakes are too high, hell the stakes are everything. What if I can't do this? What if I don't have the mind or the drive that I once did? What if I make a mistake? How am I supposed to trust myself?"
She knew she might end up regretting it later, but Kelly couldn't help herself any longer. The pain in Commander Shepard's eyes was too much for even her professionalism. She reached out and took the older woman's hand in her own. The flesh was soft and warm, moist from the Commander's sweat.
"Know this Commander. Regardless of your doubts, I trust you implicitly. I've known from the moment you came on board that if I fell backward you'd be there to catch me. Whatever might happen over the coming weeks, know that I have absolute faith in you Commander." For an instant, as Kelly gently squeezed Shepard's hand, their eyes met and Kelly felt something, a connection of sorts. Shepard didn't speak for a time and, to Kelly the moment seemed to stretch onto eternity.
"Thank you Yeoman," Shepard whispered, still unable to look away.
Chambers smiled kindly and reached out to gently stroke a tear from Shepard's cheek. "Call me Kelly," she said, pulling her hand away.
"Thank you, Kelly," the other woman said slowly.
Remembering herself suddenly, Kelly pulled back. Only now, the deed done, did she realize how personal she'd just allowed the situation to become. She thought about backpedaling, attempting to apologize for her behavior, but decided against it. After all, Shepard didn't seem offended. Letting go of the blonde's hand, she stepped back.
"I hope I've helped Commander."
Shepard nodded. "You have. I still don't know what to believe and I'm still not sure exactly who or what I am, but I feel like you've at least given me focus, something to put my energy into. Our mission is too important to let myself get in the way. Once this is over I can do as much soul searching as I want to, but right now I need to keep my head in the game."
Kelly nodded, "If you ever need to talk again Commander you know where I live."
Commander Shepard smiled and nodded. "I may just take you up on that Yeo…" she paused and corrected herself, "Kelly."
"Good." With that, Kelly turned and walked out of the room.
3.
Alyssa watched the door for a moment after Kelly's departure. It was strange but she actually felt a little better about her situation. Growing up, particularly after the atrocity on Mindoir, she'd learned to keep her emotions to herself, to bottle them up until she was alone and could release them in privacy and in her own way. Others had told her that it felt good to talk about their troubles and she'd always wondered how it changed anything. Talk about them or not, the problems were still there. What good did it do to burden others with them? Now she felt as though she almost understood it.
There was something else on her mind though. There had been a moment, near the end of their talk, when Alyssa had felt something more, almost a connection. She'd finished baring her soul and Kelly was holding her hand. For a brief moment their eyes had met and it felt like time had stopped.
What the hell was that all about?
Alyssa wouldn't lie; she'd noticed the yeoman from time to time. Kelly was an attractive young woman, and difficult not to notice, but there was something else. Holding Kelly's hand, staring into her eyes; it made her think of Liara and how much she missed the Asari Not the strange hybrid abomination that currently haunted her thoughts, but the Asari that she'd lost two years ago when her life had become forfeit..
The moment with Kelly had been something more though. More than reminding her of what she had lost over the last two years, that moment had made her feel something deep inside. It wasn't love. She didn't know the younger woman well enough, but it was definitely curiosity and attraction.
Right now though there were decidedly more important things to deal with. She owed somebody an apology for one thing.
4.
By the time Kelly reached her station on the command deck, she still hadn't finished chiding herself for her foolish behavior. What had been going through her mind? Why had her decorum deserted her like that. Yes, she felt something for Commander Shepard. She knew herself well enough to admit that, but she knew better. Her purpose on board the Normandy, aside from making sure everything was in order for Shepard, was to make sure that the rest of the crew was psychologically sound. How could she do that if she was crushing hard on her commanding officer? How could she do that if she couldn't keep herself in check long enough not to act on it.
Taking Shepard's hand, and she could still feel the warmth of that touch on her own skin, had been one thing. It had been a physical show of support. At least she could let that slide a little. Wiping the tear away though and staring into her eyes, oh how beautiful those eyes were, that had been crossing a line. Even in her distracted state Shepard had to have noticed. On the other hand it had been nice to hear the other woman say her name.
The quick smile that crossed her lips at the thought was quickly replaced by a serious expression. Even now, after the fact, she was still torn. Torn between her growing feelings, and her duty to Cerberus, The Illusive Man, and more importantly humanity itself. Her training was supposed to prepare her for this, help to keep her emotionally detached from her patients. That training was failing her now.
In an effort to redirect her energy, she called up a blank screen and began to type out her report. As The Illusive Man's liaison Kelly had been tasked with keeping him up to date on Shepard's status and keep him apprised of any concerns he might want to know about. Was she really supposed to tell him about this though? In the rational portion of her mind she knew that the answer was a resounding YES. Commander Shepard had done what amounted to attempting suicide. It could have radical implications on the mission. What would happen if he decided that she was unstable though. Deep down, Kelly knew that Shepard was humanity's best hope for survival. If she didn't report the incident on Beckenstein though, and Shepard ultimately failed, or had a breakdown, if the mission failed the blame would fall squarely on Kelly. Was she strong enough to bare that load?
Honestly she wasn't sure. Only when she realized that she'd absentmindedly called an image of her family up in the top left corner of her screen, did she really start to realize the dilemma she was facing. The picture had been taken a few years ago on Christmas Eve and it was the last time they'd all been together at the same time for a photo. Looking at her mother, her father, Rebecca, and even Zack – especially Zack – she started to think about the question she'd asked Commander Shepard, about why the Collectors had to be stopped. If something happened to her family she didn't know what she would do. It had been hard enough losing Zack, how would she react if the Collectors abducted her parents or Rebecca.
She had to be strong enough. Even if Shepard was having issues, Kelly could help her. It was her job. Shepard was their best hope and, in some respects, she felt herself to be Shepard's best hope. She could do this. Resolute, Chambers decided to leave the specifics on the Beckenstein Incident out of her report. She wasn't about to risk having T.I.M. recall the Commander. Maybe she was that distracted by her own thoughts, or maybe Kasumi was just that quiet, but Kelly was startled when she turned her head and saw the thief standing behind her.
"Kasumi," she said quickly.
Beneath her hood, the Japanese woman tilted her head. All that could be seen was the slightly bemused smile that always seemed to be upon her lips.
"How did it go with Shep?" she asked casually. At least she tried to ask casually, but Kelly felt there was always an exuberant curiosity surrounding the Japanese woman. Kasumi had been down there when the Commander had lapsed, so it was probably natural to assume that she was concerned.
"I think it went well," Kelly told her, picking up her hand held terminal. "She said it was you who suggested she come see me. I want to thank you for that."
"You owe me," Kasumi said, the corner of her lip turning up just a little, and even though her eyes were shrouded in darkness, Kelly could have sworn she could hear the wink in the young woman's tone. It had to be her imagination. The playful tone of voice had to be her imagination as well. It was natural. Kelly had over stepped her bounds in their session and now her mind was under the paranoid delusion that everybody knew about it.
"Thank you," Chambers said, a little uncertainly.
"Uh huh. Just keep me updated." With that, Kasumi made her way toward the elevator, leaving Kelly to wonder exactly what that had meant.
