Chapter 9. Dr. Burke
"Your 11:00 appointment is here, Dr. Burke."
"Send her in, please."
Glancing at the file that rested on top of the pile, he focused on the name: Detective Kate Beckett. Psychiatrists weren't really supposed to have favorites, but that was almost impossible. You want all your patients to get better, to heal so that they can find happiness and a chance at a future, but there are some who get under your skin and you wish even more for them. Kate was one of those.
Standing up to shake her hand, he could see immediately that something had changed. She gave him a small smile as she always did, and although she looked tired, she seemed different. Tension appeared absent. She looked neither upset nor angry.
"Please, have a seat," he indicated the chair that she favored.
"If you don't mind, I'd rather stand," she replied, crossing over to look out the window.
Uh oh, I wonder if she's going to start her usual pacing any minute.
The silence grew longer until Dr. Burke realized that she wasn't going to offer anything on her own and he wondered how could have forgotten that most patients need coaxing.
"So, Kate," he began. "It's been two weeks since I last saw you. Has anything happened since then, either significant or seemingly otherwise?"
She turned around and faced him, leaning against the wall with a half-smile on her face. "Oh, yeah, you could say that."
"Let me guess. Mr. Castle has caused you grief once again."
"Well, yes, he certainly did that."
"You don't seem too upset, or at least not as upset as you usually do, so there must be more."
Kate made a slow circuit of the room and then perched on the arm of the chair she usually sat in. "Let's see, how should I put this?" She looked him straight in the eyes, all seriousness. "I guess I'd just better lay all my cards on the table."
"That would be appreciated," he smiled.
"Okay. Well, I got another lead on the case involving my mother, Castle told me something that indicated he had betrayed me and as a result I felt I'd never be able to trust him again, he said twice that he loved me, and then he told me he was done because I wouldn't leave the case alone and then he walked out of my life." She paused to take a breath and then continued quickly, "After that, I was nearly killed hanging off a building and was saved at the last minute just as my hand slipped, the Captain put Esposito and me on administrative leave and then I resigned."
Dr. Carver Burke had trained himself over the years so that no matter how shocking or horrifying his patients' revelations might be, his reactions would be entirely internal so that his face would never give anything away. This time wasn't any different, but it took a great deal of concentration not to have his jaw drop several inches.
He stared at her as she broke eye contact with him and sauntered over to the window again.
"Kate, that's… uh… quite a lot of drama, especially in such a short period of time." He was seldom at a loss for words and struggled to find something that would keep her talking. "And yet you seem very calm." Far too calm, in fact. Frighteningly calm.
"Oh, I feel pretty darn calm, all right." Over the next half hour she gave him an abbreviated version of the events of that day, her voice as calm as if she were describing what she saw out the window.
"I'm sensing that there's more to this story."
"Yeah, I had kind of an epiphany when I was hanging off that building. I realized some truths that I'd been blind to."
"You mean concerning your mother's murder?"
"In a way, but in a very small way."
She sat down again and stopped speaking altogether, appearing to be lost in thought. And then she laughed out loud.
He raised his eyebrows at the sound. He'd never heard her laugh before and it seemed entirely out of context to what she'd just told him. He wondered if she was having some kind of a breakdown and decided to steer the conversation in a different direction.
"So, resigning was a pretty drastic step, Kate. Have you had second thoughts about it?"
"Oh, yeah, more than second thoughts. I'll probably go back, but not just now. I have things to do. Important things. Fences to mend. Other plans to make."
"Do you still intend to search for your mother's killer even though you'll have no police resources available?" He feared the answer and held his breath as he waited for her to speak.
"Actually, no, I'm done." She said it with such conviction that he was puzzled.
"How can you be so sure? I mean it's been your all-consuming thought for 13 years."
Kate leaned forward, rested her elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands. "Did I ever tell you what my Dad and I had put on my Mom's headstone?"
He shook his head but noticed that she'd ignored the question he'd asked her, "Not that I recall."
'Vincit Omnia Veritas,' Kate said, matter-of-factly. "It means Truth Conquers All. It was my Mom's motto, and she had a beautiful framed print of it on her office wall."
Kate paused and looked down at the floor.
"And," Dr. Burke prodded.
"All these years, these 13 long, hard years, I took that to mean that the truth about my Mom's murder was going to be the be all and the end all. It was going to make everything better, give meaning to my life and was the only thing that would heal me. And if I didn't do that, I was somehow a failure."
"And you don't think that anymore?"
Kate inhaled deeply and let out a long, slow breath. "No, I don't."
This wasn't an answer that Dr. Burke had expected to hear, especially so soon in her therapy.
"What changed?"
"I changed. With my life literally hanging in the balance, I saw that it wasn't the truth of the murder that would conquer all. It was only the truth in my heart that could do that."
"The truth in your heart? I don't understand, Kate. What was the truth in your heart?"
"Castle." She said it so softly that he almost didn't hear her.
"Did you say Castle?" Seeing her nod, he added, "Why?"
"I love him."
This time his jaw did drop and he stared at her in shock for several seconds before he closed his mouth again. Clearing his throat, he tried several times to make some sound come out.
"You… uh… uh… love Castle?" It was almost too much to comprehend.
Kate laughed again. "Why, Dr. Burke, I've never seen you look flustered before! That's okay, I understand. I felt the same way when I realized it; in fact, I still feel that way."
"Wow." This time he laughed. "Sorry. That wasn't a very professional statement."
"No apology needed."
"So, does your Mr. Castle know this? That you love him?"
"Yes, he does. I told him the same day I almost died, the same day I resigned."
"And you're sure that wasn't just because you were still in shock."
"Dr. Burke," she continued, rising to pace again, "I'm not really sure of too much right now. I'm not sure I want to be a cop, I'm not sure how I'll reinvent myself if I give up my career and I'm not sure if my friendships with my three closest police friends are going to survive."
"And?"
"The one thing I am sure about is that I love Castle. It's taken me a long time to realize this, and I truly believe it is the one thing that will see me through whatever the future hands me."
"Just off the record, Kate," Dr. Burke paused and looked uncomfortable, "and you don't have to answer this if you don't want, but have you and Mr. Castle…" He stopped and held up his hand. "Never mind."
"Why, Dr. Burke," Kate smiled, seeing his squirm. "Do you actually want to know if we did 'it'?"
"No, I really don't. Forget I even started that sentence."
"I will." She sat down again and stared at him. "So in light of all my revelations, do you think I'm cured?"
"You never needed to be cured, Kate. All you needed was some guidance so that you could gather insight yourself. Are you thinking you're finished here?"
"No, not at all. Actually, all the things that have happened have brought another set of problems with them. I'm not ready to try my wings yet."
"I'm glad to hear that. Now, what problems are you talking about?"
Kate sighed and he saw the lines of stress back on her face. "It's about my two detectives, Esposito and Ryan."
Ah, yes, Esposito and Ryan. Both had been told to report to him and, although he had seen neither yet, he wasn't in a position to tell Kate that. His assistant had explicit orders that all three of the detectives were to be booked on different days so that their paths didn't cross.
"What about them, Kate?"
"Well, Esposito really had my back and I feel guilty that he had to hand over his gun and badge and is now on administrative leave, and Ryan didn't have my back and reported us to Captain Gates. They haven't spoken to each other since, although Ryan has made several attempts."
"Let me get this clear in my mind. The three of you had this secret mission that you shouldn't have been involved in, and yet you say Ryan is the one who didn't have your back."
"He didn't! He blabbed to the Captain. None of this would have happened if he had kept his mouth shut!"
"Kate, you would have been dead if he had."
"That's beside the point! He didn't have my back!"
"He had your back more than Esposito did." He watched the expression on her face change.
"What?"
"Esposito followed you blindly without thinking of your safety, while Ryan thought only about your safety."
"I guess when you put it that way… but…" She stopped herself when she realized there really wasn't a 'but'.
"Have you spoken to either of them, or is it just Ryan you've left hanging?"
"I haven't been up to talking to any them, not even Lanie or the Captain. It would be just too difficult to do until I can tell them about Castle."
"So you're keeping your relationship a secret, then?"
"Just until he can tell him mother and daughter. They'll both be home together for the first time since we've acknowledged our relationship, and it's only fair that we tell them first. Or he does. We haven't quite worked out the logistics of how and when."
"And what about your friends?"
"I've texted all of them, even Ryan, to say just that I'm fine, don't worry about me, I'm taking some time for myself. As for the Captain, she said in a voice message that she wasn't accepting my resignation and wanted to see me at the precinct. I texted back that I'd be in when I felt up to it."
"What now?" He noticed Kate's eyes suddenly widen.
"Oh, my God! I'm going to have to keep my relationship with Castle secret from her above all others or she'll boot him out the precinct!"
"Another secret, Kate?"
"You don't understand. If I go back, Castle has to be there, too. I need him there with me."
Ah, Kate, he thought to himself with some sadness, your Castle is one very lucky man.
