Chapter Eight:
I awoke early to the sound of someone moving about in the room. Not wanting to leave my nest of warm sheets and blankets I rolled over and turned my back against the wall to face the centre of the room and cracked an eye open. Peering through my lashes I saw Berwald rummaging through his bag. He had his back turned to me, and in the dim light of the candle I noticed things about him that I wouldn't usually notice. Last night I only saw his bare chest, and didn't see any of his back. But now I opened both eyes wide to take in the scars and deep wounds across it. Reaching right across his entire back from the tip of his shoulder all the way down to his hip bones was an X, marked clearly in his scarred flesh. There were a couple of other scars dotted around, but not nearly as deep and as prominent as this one! I was shocked, and I found myself rising out of bed. He heard me and turned around just as I swung my legs out of bed and stood.
"Berwald…" I breathed, barely a whisper.
He looked concerned, and glanced around the room quickly as if trying to locate the source of my unease.
"Didn't mean t' wake ya."
He put down some clothes that he was holding onto the bed, his body twisting slightly as he did so allowing me to see his back once more.
"Berwald, your back," I swallowed, "What is that? Who did that to you?"
Narrowing his eyes, he studied me for a moment. It was almost as if he expected me to know what it was.
"What d'ya mean? It-" he hesitated, "It's my exile mark…"
I still stared blankly at him, a little confused. Suddenly he strode across the room, grabbed me by my shoulders and spun me around. Cold air rushed across my skin as he snatched at the hem of my night shirt and pulled it up.
"Hey, what are you doing?!" I looked over my shoulder at him and struggled to pull my top back down. He was freaking me out a little, that terrifying scowl he usually wore didn't scare me anymore, as I got used to the fact that that's how his face fell when it was relaxed. But his jaw was clenched tightly, I noticed.
But he said nothing, just observed my back for a second before releasing my shirt and letting it fall back down across my torso once more.
"You don't 'ave one."
Was I supposed to?
He placed a hand on his chin, the other on his hip and mused. Then he dropped his hands to his sides and sighed, the faintest hint of a smile playing on his lips.
"I'm glad. Would hate for them to 'ave hurt ya."
He looked at me intently for a moment before speaking again. I would love to know what he was thinking, or what was going through his mind when he looked at me like that. But he never told me what he was thinking. Whenever I asked how he was, or how he was feeling, he never really answered me in detail. It was usually just a one word answer before he brushed it off and asked how I was, like that was more important to him.
"All exiles 'ave it. It's a branded mark t' show that you are an exile. It's slashed into your skin jus' before they dump ya out here. It's very strange how ya don't 'ave one."
Turning around again, he showed me his back properly now that he was close up. Now that it was only inches away from me, I could see that it was literally as if someone had taken a sharp object like a knife or maybe even a sword of some kind and slashed an X into his back. Gingerly I reached out a hand which came into contact with the small of his back. He stiffened slightly as my fingertips brushed across the hardened groove of the scar.
"So... does everyone have this?"
He nodded.
"Everyone who was a direct exile does, yeah. The only people who don't 'sides from people who were born out here… are Lukas, Emil and you."
"But why? Why me? Of course Emil and Lukas wouldn't have one. They were never a part of Utopia in the first place."
Shrugging, he walked back over to his bed and began to put his things back into his bag, leaving a shirt out though, which he then slid on and began to fumble with the buttons; the scar disappearing behind dark blue cloth as if it were never there.
"There's a lotta things that don't add up about ya, Tino."
I don't know why, but I was slightly hurt by that comment. I shouldn't have been, but coming from Berwald, it seemed as though he didn't like me, or couldn't make sense of me.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
I folded my arms across my chest and glared at him, though I knew fully well what he meant. I wasn't taken to the correctional faculty before I was exiled out here, I didn't know my reason for exile and now I didn't have an exile mark like everyone else did.
"You know what, it doesn't even matter."
I dropped the conversation and turned away from him. I could see him out of the corner of my eye, watching me as I got a clean set of clothes out from my bag and tossed the sheets that had fallen back onto the bed. He looked hesitant, as if he wanted to say something. If he wanted to say something, then he should just go ahead and say it. I wasn't in the mood anymore.
Heading into the bathroom, I slammed the door closed behind me. I hated getting mad at him, as he was trying to help the best that he could, but with each new discovery I found myself getting more and more frustrated with everything. It was like discovering an answer lead to two more questions, and I was sick of it.
I couldn't hear any signs of him moving about in the other room. All was quiet. Just like last night, I found myself in the bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror, begging myself not to cry like a big idiot. I didn't even know what I was crying for anymore. But there they were, big fat tears rolling down my cheeks, making my face look ugly in the dim light.
"…Tino? Y' okay?"
There was a knock on the door, and Berwald's voice seemed a little strained. I didn't reply, and instead of the door opening and Berwald coming barging in, angry at me for wasting time and being so confusing and temperamental, I just heard him slide down the door and land with a thump sitting on the floor just outside.
"Didn't mean to make ya upset…" a pause, "I jus' don't know much about ya. Or understand much about ya. But I want to. I want to know all there is to know 'bout ya."
Silence fell between us again, and I felt my cheeks heat up. A few minutes passed and neither of us spoke. I just stared at myself in the mirror, then decided that I was being really stupid, and that I didn't really know much about myself either. Drying my tears on my sleeve and grabbing some tissue to wipe my runny nose, I headed for the door.
"Berwald? I'm coming out."
I heard him shuffling around, and when I thought he'd probably stood up and stopped leaning on the door did I open it to find him standing there, a horrid look of sadness on his face.
"I really didn't mean to make ya feel bad."
I couldn't help but smile, knowing fully well that he didn't, and wiped away more tears that threatened to fall with the back of my hand. I flinched when he extended an arm a little and brought a hand to my face. He held my cheek in his hand and wiped away my tears with his thumb. It was rough and calloused against my face, but it was warm and tender, and I leaned into his touch. My own hand came up to rest over his, so much smaller in comparison, and we just stayed like that for a moment, his eyes searching mine. When his hand finally slipped away, my cheek felt cold and I found my hand was still in place, caressing where his had just been.
"Sorry."
He looked away and fidgeted a little. I shook my head.
"Don't be sorry. It was nice to have some gentle human contact again."
I laughed a little as I said it, but it was very true. I hadn't been touched as tenderly and affectionately as that since my mother hugged me last.
He walked over to the bed, my bed, and sat down on it. The mattress creaked under him, and he patted the space next to him for me to come and sit down.
"Come. I wanna talk with ya."
Finally, Berwald wanted to talk with me about something. I obliged and took a seat next to him. My heart was racing, and I didn't know why. Berwald and I had been in closer contact than this before, but for some reason there was something different about his presence.
"I'm just gonna go ahead an' tell ya what's going on… tell ya how I feel, an' what's on my mind."
I didn't say anything in response; instead I just nodded, placed my hand on his knee and shuffled a little closer to show that I was listening.
I could see that he was shaking a little. His hands were unsteady, and so he clasped them together tightly in his lap. He wasn't looking at me, and was avoiding my gaze the best he could. As you probably know by now, Berwald was quite bad at expressing his feelings. I just hoped that this time, he would actually tell me what was on his mind. He took a breath in and began to talk his voice as deep and slow as ever.
"I have really liked ya… well, since I first met ya, I guess." He laughed a little as he said this; a low rumbling chuckle racked his body.
"That sounds really typical, but it's true. When I saw ya dancing in the village square, laughin' and dancin'… I thought ya were the most beautiful person I'd ever seen."
His whole face flared up into a deep red blush, and his eyes darted around behind his glasses, still not making any contact with mine. I didn't say anything, partially because I didn't know what to say, and partially because I didn't want to interrupt him. Honestly, I wasn't expecting him to say that, or want to talk about something like that. I thought he was going to ask questions about my life, about my interests, about me. But I wanted him to speak until he was properly finished with all he had to say, so I stayed quiet.
"In the past week, things have made me realise that… that I'm in love with ya."
My grip on his knee loosened, and my hand slid from his lap. Finally, his eyes made contact with mine, glancing at me from behind his glasses. His brows were knitted and he looked a little worried. Probably because he had just... well, confessed a love and attraction to me. Suddenly the air between us felt very awkward. Sure, Berwald was a lovely person, and not at all unattractive, but I knew that I didn't love him back. He sensed the tension and awkwardness and started to ramble.
"I wanted you t' use the Stone not only 'cause you're exactly what we're lookin' for, but because… I never want to lose ya. I want you to be with me for however long I shall live-"
"Berwald, stop."
I cut him off and ran a hand through my hair. He stopped talking immediately and went back to just staring at me quietly like he always does. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Berwald, or the fact that he is attracted to men, but for some reason I was finding this extremely unsettling. Did I love Berwald? I didn't know. He was like my best friend, and most of me wanted it to stay that way. I wasn't ready for a relationship of any kind, and knowing that he… loved me, was a bit weird. But did he really love me? It had only been little over a month since we first met! You can't fall in love with someone after just a month… can you?
I stood and began to pack my things. I didn't want to talk about this subject any more, although I could practically see Berwald's heart breaking through his sorrowful gaze. He finally opened up and told me his feelings, but those feelings made me uneasy. I didn't know how to react, so I just left the topic alone as if it had never been spoken of.
A couple of hours later, after we had eaten and my strange, uneasy mood had eased a little, we were off again. Berwald paid for the room and our food as I strapped everything back onto the horse. The conversation between us was a little strained; it was obvious that we were both trying to talk about anything other than the conversation in the room earlier. I could tell that Berwald was not quite himself after the way that the conversation had gone. He was quieter than ever, and his movements were slow and slumped. I felt bad, but I decided not to dwell on it. I had more important things to concern myself about, like my training. This time, instead of spending the night at a hotel in another town, Berwald told me that we would be setting up camp. Consider this part of my training, if you will. I had never set up a tent or cooked by a fire in my life, so before we set off I helped Berwald to purchase ingredients from the local market in the town we were staying in. A basket containing two cod fish, some potatoes and a jar of pickles. Not the best combination, but it would do.
I wanted to look around the village for a little bit, but Berwald said that unfortunately we didn't have time. If we didn't set off soon, it would be night fall before we got at least halfway there. So we returned back to the horse and I climbed on. We misjudged the size of the basket with the fish and food in, and it didn't seem to fit on the back of the horse, so I ended up having to cradle it to my chest between Berwald and I.
Despite that, we were off again, back out into the open. They clouds above us were growing dark and they threatened rain, and the wind was whipping at my face twice as hard as it usually did, causing me to bury my face into the fur trim around the top of Berwald's long, blue cloak. Berwald had also noticed the dark clouds covering the sky, and he snapped the reigns and called out for the horse to go faster. Inevitably though, rain began to pour from the sky.
"Get under my cloak! Keep yourself dry!" Berwald said, shouting above the loud noise of the wind and rain swirling around us. His hair and face were completely soaked, blonde strands were plastered to his forehead and his cheeks were bright red from being battered with the cold and harsh rain. A flash of lightning struck across the sky, and a loud, rumbling clap of thunder shook the sky. The horse's hooves were drumming across the wet grass and splashing mud all over our legs. Some of it was even reaching Berwald's face, and every 10 minutes or so he had to keep taking his glasses off and quickly wipe them for the lenses were getting caked in rain and mud. But he didn't stop; he just kept trekking on without so much as one complaint. I felt bad, hiding away from the howling wind and rain in the security of Berwald's heavy cloak, but there wasn't anything I could do about the weather. I'd offer to take over riding for a little while, but I knew next to nothing about riding a horse, especially at the speed we were traveling at. So I stayed put, keeping a tight hold of our basket of food and praying to whatever Gods were up there that this awful storm would pass over soon.
The rain had not eased in the slightest by the time night began to fall, though the thunder and lightning had stopped long ago, and the wind had dropped considerably. Berwald was soaked to the bone and was visibly trembling. I remained under the cloak, my clothes damp from the rain leaking through the thick fabric, but not nearly as wet as Berwald was. My arms were frozen in place around his waist as a result of the cold, and my legs and bottom were completely numb.
"The rain's not gonna ease up any time soon. We're gonna stop for th' night." Berwald said as he began to bring the horse down from a gallop into a steady canter. As he spoke, I peered out from underneath my make shift shelter and squinted ahead of us. Berwald had a hand up to his face, shielding his eyes from the rain and looking off into the distance. There was a small group of trees up ahead, and I knew exactly what he was thinking. A place to stop and take refuge from the wind and rain, thank God. Soon enough, we reached it and as soon as we were under the shelter of the branches of the tall trees we could feel an immediate difference in the power of the wind. My ears were ringing from the raging wind, and no doubt Berwald's were too. He brought the horse to a standstill when we were deep enough into the small wood to be almost completely protected from the rain, and there we sat for a few moments. Berwald's breathing was ragged and heavy, and for several minutes he just sat and got his breath back. He had long since given up on wearing his glasses, and only now did he slide them back onto his face. I needed to stretch my numb legs and wake them up a bit, so I scrabbled out from under Berwald's cloak and slid down off the horse. It felt good to be on the ground again. I put our basket of food down beside a tree, and smoothed my wet hair back off my face. My back cracked as I took a well needed stretch and shook my legs out a little. Berwald was still sat on the horse.
"…Ber? Want me to start unloading our stuff?"
He shook his head.
"No. I'll do it. You sit down an' rest."
He pushed his dripping wet hair from his eyes and began to peel himself from the horse. His clothes had just about fused together with the soggy hair of the horse, and I could hear them squelching as he climbed off. He looked a mess, with dark circles forming under his eyes. Trudging round the back of the horse, he began to unbuckle the leather straps that secured our belongings to the back of the saddle. Before he could undo the second buckle though, I went over and stood beside him, placing my hand over his and moved it away from the two knap sacks that he was about to unload, putting it by his side.
"No. You go and sit down, I'll unload this." I said, giving his hand a squeeze and pushing his glasses back up his nose with my other hand. He smiled weakly and nodded, taking himself over to the nearest tree and sinking down to sit by its roots with his back propped up against the wide trunk. I got to work taking our bags from the horse and setting them in a small pile on the ground. There wasn't that much to unload, just our two knapsacks, the bundle of kindling for the fire, our tent and sleeping bags. Our tent was neatly folded into its bag, which was covered in a thin layer of scraps of water proof plastic that had been salvaged over the years from clothing that exiles were tossed out here in. It wasn't much, but it did a great job of shielding our fabric tent from the rain, and so we had somewhere that would be warm and dry to sleep in tonight.
After about an hour, Berwald and I had set up the tent and had just started a fire. He taught me that when lighting a fire out in the open like this, it was best to either dig a small pit in the ground first, or build a circle from stones and rocks. Seeing as though we had no stones available, we set to work digging a small hole and filling it with our kindling and as many dry sticks and twigs that we could find, and soon enough there was a roaring fire. It took me a while to actually light it, and to be honest I got a little bit too pleased with myself when I finally lit it. I don't see why Berwald can't have just done it as it would have been much, much quicker, but after what seemed like an eternity of grinding two pieces of kindling together like Berwald showed me, it sparked and we had ourselves a fire.
The orange flames flickered and crackled, reflecting off Berwald's glasses as we stood around the fire. I stretched out my hands and held them close to the flames, revelling in the warmth emanating from it that was slowly warming my cold fingertips.
"Aahhh… I never thought I would be so happy to see a fire in my life!" I said, rubbing my hands together. Berwald nodded in agreement and began to take the top layer of his clothes off. He unclasped his cloak and layed it out flat on the ground, close to the fire.
"You should let your clothes dry. Don't want ya catching a cold."
He proceeded to take his clothes off piece by piece until he was just left in his underwear. He didn't seem at all embarrassed or uncomfortable, and once he had placed all of his wet clothes out to dry he began to rummage about in the basket of food to begin to prepare our meal. I had always been self-conscious about being topless or just in my underwear in front of other people, but it actually helped that Berwald was not at all fazed by standing infront of me in just a thin pair of grey cotton boxer shorts. If he didn't care about himself being one pair of boxers away from nude, then I probably shouldn't either. Though he did have an amazing body, and a well-toned chest that I'd be confident showing of if-
Tino, seriously? I cleared my thoughts of all things… naked Berwald related and began to strip myself off, my cheeks getting redder and redder with each article of clothing that I lost. Finally down to nothing by my underwear, I layed them out next to Berwald's clothes to dry by the fire then hesitating for a second before I joined Berwald by the basket of food. He'd gotten it all out and was beginning to skewer the fish onto two long sticks. I leaned over his shoulder and watched as he worked on slicing the sharpened stick through the scales and flesh of the fish.
"Usually you would prepare the fish. Take off some of the scales an' take out the insides…" he began to talk me through how to cook the fish on the open fire, demonstrating everything as he went along. It was actually quite simple, and after watching and listening to him prepare his own I decided to give my own a try.
"So, I take it like this? Through the mouth?" I asked as I began to slide the sharper end of my stick into the open mouth of the cod fish. Berwald nodded and watched as I did just as he told me to do. Slide the stick through the mouth, then poke it out through the flesh at the side just before it reached the tail, and then back in again. This was to stop it falling off the stick while it was cooking. My hand was a little unsteady as I tried to do this last part, so Berwald placed his large hands over mine and coaxed them. He was leaning over my shoulder now, and I could feel his breath ticking my neck. His breathing was slow, steady and soft as he placed his concentration on not ripping the flesh of the fish too much. I stole a quick glance at his face over my shoulder before returning my gaze back to the skewered fish in front of me.
"There. Ya did it. Great. Now bring it over here."
The warmth of Berwald's hands over mine disappeared as well as the feeling of him looming over me. He went over by the fire and picked up three thicker sticks than the ones that we skewered the fish with. He stabbed them into the ground and tied the ends together with a bit of string that he produced from his knapsack. The ends of them when tied formed a little catapult shaped rest, which he then leaned the stick with the fish on against. The empty end of the stick was dug into the ground a little, and the end with the fish on rested on the makeshift holder perfectly. It was only a few inches away from the fire now, and the flames licked at it ever so slightly. I brought my fish over to the fire, and rested it just like he did right next to his fish on the rest and we left them to cook.
"I can smell them cooking already. It smells so good! You must be absolutely starving if I'm hungry, with all the riding you did today. I did nothing yet my tummy is still rumbling!" I said as I sat down by the fire. I had warmed up a lot now, and our clothes were beginning to dry, steam rising from them as the water evaporated from the heat of the fire.
"Yeah. Smells great." Berwald mumbled in agreement, taking a seat by the fire, but sat directly opposite me. He was staring off into the fire, rubbing his hands together and warming them every now and again. We sat in silence, listening to the cracking of the fire and an owl that was hooting somewhere in the woods around us. The rain had just about stopped now too, which was great. The remaining water in the leaves was still dripping from the trees though, hissing and spitting when they landed in the fire.
I was feeling very content out here. I had fallen in love with being out in the open since arriving out here. I let myself fall back into the grass, looking up at the millions of stars lining the night sky through a clearing in the trees above me. I sighed happily before deciding to ask Berwald a question that had been on my mind for a while.
"Hey, Berwald?"
I turned my head a little and could just about see him through the fire on the other side. He looked up from the fire.
"Hm?"
"Where is the stone?"
He took a moment to answer, but when he did he answered with a shrug.
"Don't really know. All I know is that it's in the castle."
I sat up, my interest piqued by the mention of a castle; magnificent buildings I had only heard of in story books!
"There's a castle?"
Berwald nodded while he reached out to turn the fish over to cook through on the other side.
"Yeah. In Christiana."
"Have you ever seen it?"
"I've been in it."
He said, like it was nothing. I was so jealous.
I felt my heart flutter within my chest. A real castle! Oh how amazing it would be to see it! I bet it would be furnished with extravagant furniture, beautiful paintings and the most expensive jewels and silverware. I could just picture it now.
My daydreams were interrupted when a charred fish was held out infront of me. I snapped back to reality and took the fish from Berwald, who came and sat next to me now with his own fish. He puckered his lips and blew it to cool it down a couple of times before sinking his teeth into it and tearing a piece off. He took a couple more bites, chewed and swallowed before I had even taken one bite of mine. He must have been hungry. Gently, I blew mine and nibbled a couple of loose pieces around the sides.
We ate in comfortable silence until we had both polished off all we could of our fish. Berwald asked if I would like any potatoes or pickles, but truth be told, the fish had filled me up more than I expected it would, so we left the potatoes untouched and uncooked and Berwald tucked into a pickle or two. Usually we would have spoken way into the night like we did on many occasion when I went over to Berwald's hut for dinner sometimes, though it was usually me who did the talking, but tonight both of us were way too tired after our journey today. It can't have been any later than 10:30pm when I began to stifle a yawn.
"Tired?" Berwald asked as my head began to roll and my eyes fluttered shut. I rubbed my eyes and nodded like a sleepy child. Berwald stood himself up gently and went over to the tent. He rustled around for a few minutes inside the tent. I watched him through half lidded eyes, trying with rapidly declining strength to keep them open. He emerged again a couple of minutes later and beckoned for me to come over.
"I set up the sleeping bags. Hop in and get some rest. I'll ease the fire an' join ya soon."
I nodded and smiled in thanks before crawling into the tent and burying myself within the sleeping bag. After closing my eyes and settling down I listened to Berwald pouring a little bit of water on the fire and tending to the horse, making sure that she was comfortable and safe before he joined me in the tent. I was just drifting in and out of sleep when I was startled by an arm wrapping itself around my shoulders. My eyes flew open at the sudden contact, and it took my sleepy brain a few seconds to realise that it was only Berwald… with his.. arm around me? He held me close to his chest and his breathing was blowing my hair on the back of my head back and forth.
"Berwald… what are you doing?"
He jumped and jerked his arm away quickly when I spoke, stuffing it by his side and turning to face the other way.
"Sorry."
I shifted a little to look at him over my shoulder. He was curled up in a tight, stiff ball, his horrid scar on his back on full display. I felt a wave of mixed emotions wash over me. Although Berwald looked tough on the outside, he was just a giant teddy bear on the inside. A gentle giant. A gentle giant with too much love and affection to give out for his own good. Slowly, I shuffled closer to him in my sleeping bag and hesitated for a few moments before I curled my arm around his shoulders like he had just done and pulled him into a tight embrace. I rested my chin in the crook of his neck and let my eyes drowse shut. He stiffened and tried to turn his head to look at me, but I moved my hand up and into his hair and began to run my fingers through it ever so slightly. I was in a bit of an awkward and uncomfortable position because of the sheer size of Berwald compared to myself, but I continued to stroke Berwald's hair ever so gently until he relaxed completely.
"Shhh.. go to sleep now. Then we can wake early, and you can take me to see that castle."
His body rumbled against mine as he let out the tiniest of laughs.
"Sounds good t' me."
A/N: I'll admit that I really struggled with this chapter. There are so many ways that I could probably improve it, but it's been bugging me for weeks and it's 4am and I've had enough. I've already started work on Chapter nine to take my mind away from this one, and so it should be out pretty soon.
Thank you to everyone for reviewing, favouriting and following. Also, I've only just realised that I can actually reply to reviews. I never thought that was actually a thing, as I've seen people write answers down here in the authors notes, which is what I have been doing. So I'm so sorry if some of you were expecting replies to your reviews and they never came. :')
Thank you for reading, and I hope you can forgive me for this slow chapter.
