I do not own this plot or any of the characters, I just like to reimagine the universe for my own pleasure. These belong to Paramount and Fox.
*Seblaine version of How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days. This is a retelling of the 2003 movie, with a few small tweaks to the plot and dialogue.*
*It helps if you've seen it, but isn't necessary!*
Tumblr: nonfatmocha
Chapter 9
A thick cloud of cigar smoke wafted through Sebastian's apartment, mingling with the smell of scotch, beer, and pizza. It was complete heaven, and a much needed evening of distraction for him. Jeff and Nick sat next to each other (hoarding their hand so no one else could see), and were joined by David and Hunter. The group had known each other since college, yet the other two pursued software development instead of advertising.
"Alright boys," Sebastian started with a puff of smoke, "I've got two bucks in. Place your bets. Feel lucky?"
Nick snorted, "Well, I definitely feel luckier than you since I didn't have to endure a Cher concert."
The group laughed, and Sebastian chuckled, accepting the roast gratefully. "But that's what true love is all about, my friend."
"I like Cher, though!" David imitated the famous singer's tone, and slapped his cards on the table. "Nope. I fold."
Sebastian laughed, "You're also way gayer than I am."
"So, is this it, then?" Hunter asked, already knowing of the bet. He tossed a couple betting chips in, and held his cards close, "He's in love with you, then?"
Sebastian snorted, "Are you kidding, dude? He's planning the wedding already."
Everyone disregarded the talk about Blaine and focused on the game. They all revealed their cards, but it was Sebastian who had the winning hand.
"Yesss! That's what I'm talking about." He scooped the pot up and started stacking his winnings, gripping the thick cigar between his teeth. "Man, it doesn't get any better than this!"
The group rolled their eyes, then simultaneously turned their attention to the front door that was opening.
"Sebby-kins! I'm home!" Blaine made his way to the kitchen as if he already lived in the apartment. He had a platter of food in his arms which was more suited for a fancy brunch or tea, and not a testosterone pumped poker game.
Sebastian froze and gazed in terror at his boys. Nick's jaw was hanging open.
David shrugged, not knowing what to expect, "He's cute."
"Um, hey Blaine!" Sebastian chuckled nervously.
"Dude, he has a key. Is that legal?" Jeff asked.
"I wasn't expecting you, honey!" He continued after downing some beer, "How'd you get a key?"
Blaine returned to the game table with his tea sandwiches, "Oh! Jose, your super made me a copy."
Sebastian cringed, mentally reminding himself to change the locks and have a little chat with Jose.
Blaine gasped in fear, and approached Sebastian slowly, "You're not mad are you, Sebby? You're not mad at me?"
Sebastian shook his head quickly, keeping to the "perfect boyfriend" routine. "Oh no. Not at all, handsome. I'm not mad. Um, Blaine. You know Nick and Jeff. These other two assholes are Hunter and David. We all go way back."
"Oh! So lovely to meet you all!" He tilted his head to the side in too much of a 'Stepford' manner and shook the boys' hands. "I'm so sorry to interrupt you little game, but I brought yummy snacks!" He grinned, and placed the platter on the game table, right in the middle of all the action.
Sebastian glanced at the platter and shrugged, working around it as he prepared to deal the next game. "All right, boys. Let's do some Texas Hold 'Em."
Blaine gasped as Jeff took a bite of pizza and shook his head, taking the slice out of the blonde's hand. "Jeffy! This is so bad for you! Yucky pizza! But… yummy, yummy cucumber sandwich!" Blaine hand fed him a sandwich that the other reluctantly took and chuckled nervously, pretending to eat it.
Everyone else sat uncomfortably, watching the train wreck unfold.
Sebastian took a sandwich, hoping that it would make Blaine go away, and the others followed suite, choking it down and desperately wishing it was pizza.
Blaine stood next to Sebastian's chair, then noticed that all five men had a cigar perched proudly between their lips. He honestly didn't mind, and quite liked the aroma— but they didn't have to know that. He coughed loudly, and for a moment, it went unnoticed. Then Blaine nudged Sebastian and coughed a bit more dramatically so everyone could hear. He groaned and flailed a hand through the air to wave the thick smoke away, making it obvious that he was unhappy.
Sebastian looked at his friends and closed his eyes in disbelief, then started to stamp his cigar out. He nodded towards the others, who did the same, then continued awkwardly with their game.
"Thank you, honey," Blaine lingered around a bit longer and looked over Hunter's shoulder, gasping. "Oh! Nine and a seven!" He playfully punched the man's shoulder as he revealed his hand, "Go for the straight!" He cheered him on, then made his way back to the kitchen.
Blaine inhaled slowly, trying to plan his next move. This was starting to become more and more exhausting, and didn't know how long he'd be able to keep it up. He glanced around the kitchen for a moment, then spotted a box of tissues. He snatched a couple, and quickly made his way back to Sebastian, putting the frail fabric in front of his face like a toddler. "Blow," he said seriously.
Sebastian furrowed his brow and looked at Blaine dumbly.
Hunter gave a dry, disbelieving chuckle, and half dropped his hand.
"Blow," Blaine reiterated, "Nobody likes a Mr. Sniffles!"
Quiet snickers could be heard around the table. "Oh, I hate Mr. Sniffles," Nick added.
"Come on, stuffy head! Blow!" Blaine grinned.
Sebastian made pleading eye contact with all of his friends, then glanced up at Blaine. He didn't have a choice. He leaned into the cloth and blew— twice for good measure.
"Oh! That's a good one!" He looked into the tissue, pressing down the need to gag, "White! Healthy boy!" He ruffled Sebastian's hair, and pressed a kiss to his temple. Then, the sight of something marvelous caught Blaine's eye. Just as he suspected— the Love Fern that he had given Sebastian was poorly taken care of. Workaholic jock boys like Sebastian could barely feed themselves a proper breakfast each day, let alone think about watering a plant. Blaine immediately looked worried. "Oh no…" He gasped, leaving the table to retrieve the potted plant that was once green and perky. It was now drooping and brown. "Oh no. No, no, no."
The group stopped their game once again and looked up at a distraught Blaine. Sebastian rubbed his temples. Fucking plant.
"It's dead!" Blaine exclaimed, "You let it die!" He scrunched his face into a pained look, almost tearing up. "Are you going to let us die? You should think about that!" He clutched the pot and stormed into his usual hiding spot in the kitchen, trying to fight the urge of laughter building up behind his lungs.
"What the fuck is a love fern?" Hunter asked.
"Ohhhh my god," David stared into space, whispering to the boys, "Oh my god. It's so bad. It's so bad, but I can't look away… what the fuck, dude."
Nick turned to Sebastian, speaking not quite out of earshot. "Is he on something?"
Sebastian shook his head and sighed, "God, I hope so."
Blaine stifled his laughter, and slowly walked to the game table again, glaring at Nick. His eyes were wide and scary. "I'm sorry… do you think I'm some sort of… MENTAL PERSON?" He screamed the last bit, which scared Krull, and made the rest of the group jump. Then, he stormed towards the fern to gather it and his bag. The dog began to bark out of excitement, and the room was full of noise. "I— am taking this love fern with ME."
"No, no! That's not what I meant…" Nick tried to calm the situation, but Sebastian stopped him.
"Blaine. Wait." Sebastian tried to speak calmly, but before he could, the other had stormed out and slammed the door. He thought about letting the situation lie as is. It would definitely make his constant migraine go away, but he needed to win the pitch. Even if it meant dealing with Blaine the psycho for a little longer. He reluctantly followed the shorter man to the elevator, and stopped him before he could leave. Krull followed him out, still barking. "Wait. What the hell just happened in there?"
The rest of the group exchanged looks, all thinking the same thing. They quietly stood up and lingered by the door, trying to eavesdrop on the insanity.
"This is getting really creepy, alright? You're acting completely insane."
"OH!" Blaine exclaimed, "So, Nick is right, then. I am insane."
"No. You're acting insane." He had to speak a bit loudly over Krull's barking, and had some difficulty compiling his thoughts. "Shut up, Krull…"
The dog backed down, and Blaine gasped. "Oh my god! He is an innocent animal!"
"Yeah, and he will live, but right now, I'm talking to you."
"Oh, I don't think I can be with someone who doesn't like animals and thinks that I'm a mental person."
"That's what I'm talking about. Where's the sexy, cool, fun, smart, gorgeous Blaine that I knew? The one who wanted to be a serious journalist? You're up, you're down, you're here, you're there. You're like a freaking one-man circus, Blaine."
Blaine paused. "So, I guess this means we're over?"
Sebastian frowned, and shrugged. Over sounded great… kind of. "Yeah. I guess so."
"Fine," he said with an unaffected tone as he stepped on the elevator.
"Fine," Sebastian retorted, then walked back to the apartment, cuddling Krull in his arms.
The elevator doors closed, and Blaine leaned against the wall with a long, heavy sigh. "Oh, finally." He was relieved, but not satisfied. He furrowed his brow in thought. Even though it wasn't his normal behavior, the words that Sebastian spoke were weighing on him. They reverberated in his mind, and then Blaine suddenly didn't feel relieved anymore. He shook his head, thinking about how he'd never see Sebastian again, and actually teared up. He had kind of grown accustomed to his Sparky. His tall stature, hugs that pulled him in and enveloped him tightly— his lips. "God, his lips," Blaine thought. It wasn't supposed to feel like this at all. Blaine allowed a few tears to escape, and quickly wiped them away. This could never happen, anyway. Leaving was for the best.
Sebastian placed Krull in his bed after a few "I'm sorry" scratches behind the ear, and moseyed into the living room awkwardly. The boys heard everything. "Well, it's over, guys."
Nick and Jeff weren't pleased. "NO. Nope. No. Not happening. FOUR MORE DAYS!" The blonde man said. "Just four!"
"No, guys! Did you not just witness that fucking trainwreck? You saw it with your own eyes! It's over, okay?"
"Oh yeah, I saw it," David said, trying to encourage a turnaround. "I thought it was sexy,"
"Oh, shut up. It was not sexy."
"You know what?" Nick asked Jeff, "He's right. Forget it. It's over. So, do you think Spears and Greene are going to be comfortable in their new penthouse office?"
Sebastian sighed, "No guys. No. Just stop."
"Oh, they totally will," Jeff replied, "They've got diamonds while Sebby over here is going to be selling Nerf Footballs for the rest of his damn life…"
Shit. The pitch would always win. "OKAY! I get it! What? What do you expect me to do? Blaine just left. So, tell me."
"Couples therapy!" Hunter mentioned from the couch, "Everytime I do something wrong and my girl wants to leave me, I recommend couples therapy and I promise, it will buy you at least four days." He grinned.
Sebastian smiled. "Okay. Cool. Couples therapy." He nodded, pondering the solution. "Okay. Thanks, brother. Be right back." He zoomed towards the balcony window and threw it open. He could see Blaine's petite figure walking out of the first floor and onto the sidewalk. "BLAINE!" He yelled, making his way to the fire escape and nimbly running the entire way down.
Blaine stopped dead in his tracks, and looked up in awe to see Sebastian coming for him. "What even is wrong with him?!" He discreetly wiped the tears from his cheeks. He didn't want to seem too upset, but at this point, tears might help his act a bit.
Sebastian dropped to his knees in front of Blaine and looked up at him pathetically. "Blaine, please. Please forgive me, babe. I was way out of line. Can you please give me another chance?
Blaine stared at him through reddened eyes, somehow feeling a bit warmer at the fact that Sebastian chased after him. "H-Haven't you had enough?!"
"Look, I'm willing to do anything."
Blaine scoffed, "Get up. You look ridiculous."
"I'll do anything, Blaine. What— what do you think about… couples therapy?"
The light bulb in Blaine's head went off— another plan. He couldn't keep up this crazy routine. He needed to get rid of this guy so he could go on with his life. This would be the final straw. "Couples therapy?" He was intrigued.
"Yes! Couples therapy. Hunter… he has this doctor friend, and he says that he's a hell of a guy."
"Oh, no. I know a doctor that will work wonders with a guy like you, Sebastian."
"Yes! Great. That's what I need."
"I will call and schedule an emergency session for tomorrow."
"Whatever it takes."
"I need a kiss," Blaine pursed his lips and tilted his head so Sebastian could see his cheek.
"Absolutely," He leaned in and kissed his cheek softly, "Thank you, Blaine."
Blaine stared at him, "Now, I love you, Sebby… but I don't have to like you right now." He stuck his nose in the air, making the phrase as ridiculous as possible, and continued his walk.
Sebastian skewed his eyebrow quizzically and started his way back up to the apartment. "Thank you, handsome." He kicked the ground and balled his fists, grumbling the entire way up the stairs.
Sebastian had never been to therapy before, so he wasn't sure what to expect. He was a bit nervous, actually. He wouldn't be the one to admit that he hoped it worked brilliantly, but literally anything to make the final few days more tolerable would be appreciated. Regardless of how insane Blaine acted, he had a few qualities that Sebastian quite liked.
...And it scared him to death.
xxMae
