I paced the room and felt terrible. I had eaten when I should've been worried about how my friends were.
Yes, it's true that Bill threatened to cry, and even teared up, when I lied and said I wasn't hungry. I couldn't live with that face, so I agreed. One piece and I felt sick and guilty.
I heard Bill come in and leapt into the bed, making it look like I was sleeping. Just because he tricked me into eating doesn't mean he can get me to sleep.
His weight sunk the bed down as he lay beside me, wrapping his arm hesitantly around my waist. Quickly, his breath evened out and he was sound asleep.
I sighed and gently took off the iron grip Bill had on my waist, to get up and grab my sketchbook. Just like the night before, I sat out on the balcony to draw. And just like the night before, I drew another picture of the group, the only people I loved, glaring at me, turning their shoulders away from me, in mid walk towards another girl. This girl, I presumed, was my replacement, very cute, tiny and holding Bill's hand.
I gulped back tears and slammed my sketchbook closed, tossing it across the room and listening as my one release and most precious possession thumped to the floor, landing innocently near the bed. Turning away I watched the sun rise for the second time in a row, feeling the bags underneath my eyes get darker.
~*~*~ 7:30 AM
A sharp knock on the door signalled that David was on the other side. I opened the door and watched as his face turned from bored, to slightly shocked as he took in my face.
"Yeah yeah I know, I look like shit. Don't worry, Bill slept so he looks fine. You can wake him up because I'm gonna go put on some makeup." I growled, pulling him into the room.
"Umm, actually Tora, I need to talk to you. My niece, Kayla, will be working with you and Tessa in the sound and light booth. You are not to force her to quit, or do anything horrible to her. Do you understand?" He said sternly.
"Yeah, whatever." I grumbled as he moved aside and a very familiar looking bartender looked down her nose at me.
"Oh, it's you." She wrinkled her nose at my appearance.
My eyes widened and so many fresh wounds just opened more. That whole night was something I never wanted to think about again, and here was another person who had accidently served me that drink.
I closed my eyes, turned and walked into the bathroom, borrowing Bill's cover up to remove the huge, almost black bags under my eyes. Brushing my hair, I walked into the living room.
My eyes were met with a terrible sight. Kayla was sitting on the couch, next to a made up and half dressed Bill, touching his knee and laughing along with him at the TV.
Wincing and feeling like I had been slapped in the face, I turned to the bedroom, got dressed in my black tank top and black skinny jeans(I couldn't take his, I just didn't feel right anymore.) then walked into the kitchen.
I coughed a little, making sure Bill saw me take a bite out of a poptart, then making sure he wasn't looking when I spit it out and threw the rest in the garbage.
Walking out the door, I asked a cab to take me to the venue six hours early. I walked through the mass of girls who had slept outside the concert hall; I showed my pass and walked in.
~*~*~ 12:57
I had everything hooked up when I saw Bill walk in with a platinum blonde hanging off his arm, Georg and Gustav trailing behind and Tom had his hand on Tess' shoulder, trying to calm her down.
I took my baby from its black leather case and opened the sound booth door; it was the only thing yet to be set up and I wanted to do it when I was sure it would be looked after.
The microphone wires were encased in orange and black metal instead of the regular black plastic, the colours coming together to form tiger stripes. The usual mesh fabric covering the sensitive pickup was cold, black metal and the wire coming from it was thick and cased in two more layers of soft plastic, protecting the expensive pieces of metal rope inside it.
I had spent my life's savings on this microphone before Tokio Hotel became famous, and as such, it was second only to my sketchbook.
Walking up to the stage, I heard a nasally voice giggle at a comment Bill had made. I rolled my eyes and leapt up onto the stage in one, fluid movement. I tapped the singer on the shoulder and he turned, looking a little annoyed.
"Yeah Tora?" I blanched; He had never spoken to me that harshly before.
"Oh, umm, was I interrupting something?" The look on his face clearly suggested I had, "I just wanted to tell you I am setting up my mic, and be careful with it." I was very quiet, for the first time in my life, and backed away to set up the expensive microphone.
As I taped down the last meter of wire and plugged in the pickup, someone hugged me from behind.
I looked up to Gustav, who had seen and heard everything, and was now looking at me pityingly.
I almost broke right then; He picked me up easily and soothed, "Tora, you've done your job. Now how about you come to my dressing room with me for a minute? I need some help with something." He lied easily so everyone would just think I was being myself and forcing him to carry me to whatever he needed fixed.
He opened his dressing room door easily and as soon as I was put down and the door was locked, I fell to the ground and sobbed.
My big brother knelt down, hugging me to him and letting me cry into his shoulder. Rocking me back and forth he whispered to me that everything would be fine.
At that moment I had never loved my brother as much as I did now.
As I cried he hummed Sacred in my ear, which reminded me of Bill and made me cry harder.
"Five minutes Gustav! What the hell are you doing in there?" Tom yelled through the door. Gusti looked at me and when I nodded, he opened the door.
Tom glared at him, but immediately got worried as soon as he saw me, kneeling in the middle of the dressing room with red, puffy eyes, and tears running down my face.
"Tor? Who the hell did this? I'll kill them!" He raged, fury evident in his voice as he knelt beside me, putting a huge hand on my shoulder.
But Gustav had forgotten to shut the door and Bill walked in with Kayla hanging off his arm.
Completely ignoring the state I was in, Bill smiled the smile he used to reserve for me and said happily, "Hey guys! Guess what? Kayla and I are going out!"
I sprung off the floor, looked Bill straight in the eyes, and spoke, "Good for you, I hope she makes you happy." I was shocked with the dead tone my voice took on, and walked out of Gustav's room, up to the sound and light booth.
When I reached the small room, I asked Rob to go watch the connections, because I wasn't feeling well, and unlocked the booth.
As soon as I got in I locked it, making sure if the bitch decided to come up and work, that she would have a hell of a time getting in. Tess looked at me weirdly and gave me a hug when I sat down.
She opened her mouth to say something comforting but I held up a hand and spoke in my slightly raspy voice, "Don't Tess. Just . . . don't. I can't hear it right now or else I'll break down and not be able to do anything right. Please . . . just leave me alone Twin." With that, I shut her out with a huge wall between my emotions and everything else.
Getting through sound check was easy when I could speak in monotone and didn't have to show emotion.
~*~*~ after the concert.
Standing by the door as the guys relaxed and Gustav took his Tylenol, I watched Kayla sit on Bill's lap and make out with him.
"Alright everyone, let's go." Saki said, and walked out the back door, everyone following and myself lagging behind.
Just as everyone piled into the tour bus that would take them back to the hotel, I made a sharp turn and walked quickly through the fans and down the street, pulling the hood of my only black hoodie over my head. I preferred colour in my wardrobe but if I didn't want to be found, this was perfect for hiding my bright, original hair colour and white as a ghost skin.
Jogging to the park nearby, I climbed a tree with plenty of leaves and sat down to cry some more. I know I looked pathetic but no one could see me through the bright green of the huge leaves. Now was the time to be a complete wreck, when no one can see me, and I am far away from Bill and the Bitch.
That made me think of beauty and the beast, and for a few seconds, I imagined myself slaying a fat, hairy Kayla to get to Bill. But that just reminded me about how beauty ended up with the beast in the end.
Whimpering as it started to pour rain through the leaves right onto my head, I wondered how I would ever get out of this mess, or if I should just run away. That put a thought in my head; there was a bridge near here, and several big buildings . . . one jump and it would all be over, the heartache, the pain. My brothers and sister wouldn't miss me; they would probably just move on and consider me a minor annoyance that they were glad to be rid of, just like in my sketch.
I jumped out of the tree, landing on my feet with a painful thud. Walking around and looking at the buildings, I thought about which one would be least painful.
I had these thoughts frequently, it always started when I remembered what my Mom had said when I left to tour with the guys.
[Flashback]
A thirteen year old Tora ran excitedly into her house in Germany.
Her mother, Diane, looked at her from her spot on the couch.
"Momma! Guess what? Bill, Tom, Gustav and Georg got signed! And they asked me to tour with them!" She jumped with glee, but her mother shot up from her chair.
"Tora Yousei Ketsueki! You are in the seventh grade! You are forbidden from touring with those good for nothing miscreants!"
Tora teared slightly, "But momma, this is my dream!" Getting a bit bolder she yelled, "And you won't stop me!" She raced up the stairs to get her clothes and bag.
"Tora Ketsueki let it be known that if you leave this house you are never to come back you ungrateful, horrid, waste of space! If you leave, you should just jump off a building because nobody will ever want a girl who dropped out of school." I raced down the stairs with a small bag, just before I slammed the door I heard, "YOU CAN JUST GO KILL YOURSELF! I HAVE NO DAUGHTER!"
[End Flashback]
Walking to a fairly tall building, I reached into my pocket and found the paperclip I always kept in case I needed to pick a lock. Grimly smiling when I found it, I entered the building and pressed the button for the roof in the elevator.
A few minutes later, it dinged and led to a small hallway with a locked door leading to the roof. Glancing at the lock, I easily picked it and opened the heavy steel door to the freezing rain outside.
Shivering, I walked to the edge and leaned my arms onthe freezing marble,looking down to the busy city below. Smiling with the thought that I would soon be out of my friend's lives so they could live a good life unhindered with my presence.
Soon I wouldn't bother anyone anymore.
~*~*~ A few hours later
I was still standing here.
On this roof, in the rain.
Why?
Because Bill Kaulitz' voice was running through my head singing that god damn song he wrote for Zimmer 483.
Sighing I put my hands on either side of the ledge, lifting myself up to sit on it, holding my legs up to my chest, and staring at the street below. The streetlights looked strangely warm and inviting, shining against the darkness.
The lights will not guide you through, they're deceiving you . . .
I gave an aggravated sigh as his sweet voice filled my mind again, reminding me of the severity of what I was about to do.
Please don't jump. . . And if that isn't enough, then I'll jump for you . . .
I opened my mouth and let out an angry, tormented scream. I couldn't do it! I couldn't!
"GOD FUCKING DAMN YOU BILL KAULITZ! YOU MAKE ME LOVE YOU! YOU GET A GIRLFRIEND WHO PROBABLY TRIED TO KILL ME! THEN YOU WON'T LET ME END MY MISERABLE FUCKING EXISTENCE!" I screamed to the world below, the rain washing away tears of anger, betrayal and hurt, "I HATE YOU BILL KAULITZ! I FUCKING HATE YOU!" I fell to the roof, sobbing and pulling at my hair, "How the hell can I still love you?"
That night, I slept on the roof of a random building, one of the highest in the city.
The only proof of what I was about to do was the black marks on the ledge, made by the soles of my shoes.
And the world below as a witness.
