The Girl in my Nightmares
Disclaimer: I do not own Hey, Arnold! or any of its characters.
Chapter 9 – The Big 'L' Word
Arnold's P.O.V.
When I got home after the Halloween party, I stayed up all night thinking about the kiss and how I was going to tell Helga how I felt about her. I finally fell asleep at around 8:00 a.m. It was now 11:45, and I was stumbling out of bed and heading to the bathroom for a quick shower. Helga would be here any minute now.
I got out of the shower and sat down at my desk to work on my essay, but as I stared at the words written on the screen, all I could do was go over and over what I was going to tell her. It went something like this:
Helga, we've known each other for… Wait. How long was it… 13… 14 years? …Never mind. We've known each other for a long time, most of our lives actually. I know we haven't always gotten along, seeing as you always liked bullying me around… No, scratch that. I know we haven't always gotten along, but I've always thought that you're someone really special, and… No, no, no. Start again.
Helga, I've know you for a long time, and even though we haven't always gotten along, I've always kinda liked you. You're cynical and sarcastic, and you're also sometimes pretty mean, but you're also kind and smart and funny. I know that what I'm about to say might sound crazy, but… I think I've fallen in love with you. I know that you have feeling for me, too… No, wait, I probably shouldn't tell her that. I know that if you'd give me a chance, you'd see that we could be really good together.
There! That didn't sound that bad, did it? Now, should I tell her before or after working on my essay?
There was a light knock on the door. Oh, boy! My hands started getting sweaty. Maybe this wasn't such a great idea. Another knock.
"Come in!" I called. "It's open."
The door opened and Helga stepped into my bedroom. She was carrying a pile of books. "Hi, Arnold!"
"Hey," I replied, and walked over to grab the books from her hands. "Let me help you with that."
I put the books on the desk and turned around. She was still standing close to the door. We looked at each other in silence for a while. The air in the room suddenly felt tense and I couldn't recall ever feeling this nervous before.
We both spoke at the same time.
"Listen, Arnold, I…"
"Helga, about last night…"
We smiled awkwardly at each other and then I said, "You go first."
She hesitated for a moment and then blurted, "Could we just start working on the essay?"
"Uh… Yeah, sure!" I pulled another chair up close to the desk and gestured her to sit down. We could talk after.
She sat down and glanced at my laptop screen. "Is this it?"
"Yeah, it's what I have so far. Go ahead and read it." I sat down next to her and waited. It didn't take her more than a minute or two to read.
"This is what you've written so far?"
I chuckled. "Yeah… I guess this isn't my forte, huh?"
"Clearly." She also chuckled and I felt the tension between us lift a little. "I can see why you needed help, football heal. This is terrible!"
"Oh, c'mon! It's not that bad."
"It stinks! Like… First of all, where's the introduction?"
I pointed to the first few lines. "It's right there!"
"That's hardly an introduction, Arnold. Your introduction is supposed to capture the reader's attention; it should explain the importance of your essay's topic, and it should include a thesis sentence. As for the rest of it, it has no coherence whatsoever."
I looked at her sideways. "I think you're worse than the teacher, Helga."
She laughed out loud. "Hey, I'm just trying to help you out." She pulled the laptop closer to herself and positioned her hands over the keyboard. "First of all, tell me what the purpose of your essay is. What are you trying to say?"
I started explaining it to her and she listened intently. Then, her fingers quickly started moving over the keyboard. When she was done, she pushed the laptop away and asked, "How's that?"
I read what she had written carefully and was surprised at how good a writer she was. In just a few sentences, she had actually managed to make my topic sound interesting. "Wow, Helga, you're really good."
"I know." She smirked.
"There's just one problem. If you keep writing this good, I don't think I'll be able to pass it out as mine."
"I'm not gonna write the whole thing for you, football head! It's your damn essay! I'm just giving you something to start with. But I'll be here helping you out."
We spent the next five or six hours working on my essay. Grandma brought us up some snacks and a couple of sandwiches, and the truth is we had a lot of fun writing it. The books Helga had brought were very useful and I was on my way to writing a pretty decent and interesting essay.
I was down to writing the last few sentences. When I pressed the last key, I exhaled and turned the laptop so Helga could read it.
She read the whole thing and smirked. "Not bad, football head. Not bad at all."
I grinned. "Thanks, Helga. I couldn't have done it without you. Well… at least not this good."
"You're welcome, Arnoldo."
I leaned back in the desk chair and stretched my arms up. My back was killing me.
"Well," she said, as she stood up and starting gathering her books. "I think I should go…"
"No, wait!" I sat up straight. "We haven't talked about what happened last night."
"L-Last night?" Her cheeks burned bright red. "What could we have to talk about last night?"
"You know exactly what, Helga."
"Do we really need to talk about it? I mean we… we kissed. Yeah, okay, that happens! There's no need to talk about it."
"There is. There's something I need to tell you."
She grimaced and gulped. "Is it really necessary? What do you need to tell me?"
"It is. Could you just wait a minute? I really need to pee. I won't be long, just… don't go away, okay? I'll be right back."
She sighed heavily and shrugged. "Fine, football head. Just go!"
Helga's P.O.V.
Arnold needed to talk. There was something he needed to tell me, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear what he had to say. As I watched him leave for the bathroom, I seriously thought about sneaking away. Instead, I sat down and tried to calm my nerves. It probably wasn't even that big a deal, anyway… Maybe he just wanted to tell me that however fantastic that kiss had been, we were just friends, and we should remain that way… but… did I really want him to tell me that? I took a deep calming breath and glanced around the bedroom.
…And then I saw it. Right there on the bookshelf. Was that…? No, it couldn't be! I stood up and walked over to pick it up, and my blood ran cold. This… this was my notebook. What the hell was it doing here? Why did Arnold have it?
My hands trembled as I flicked through the pages, desperately trying to prove that this wasn't it. It had to be some other notebook that looked exactly like mine… It wasn't. It was mine. I snapped it shut.
My heartbeat went crazy! My whole body was shivering as I started pacing about the room. I had to literally breathe in and breathe out so I wouldn't pass out.
Then the door opened and Arnold walked in.
I stopped and looked him straight in the eye. "Did you read this?"
Arnold was so stunned he took a step backwards, then his eyes came down to the notebook in my hand. "I-I…."
"It was on your bookshelf! I glanced that way and I thought it looked familiar… and what do you know? It's mine!"
"Helga, I…"
I waited, but nothing came out of his mouth.
"Did. You. Read. This?" I asked again, punctuating every word.
"Yes, but –"
Oh my God! I suddenly felt dizzy. "W-Why?"
He was speechless again.
"I can't believe this! Why do you have it?" A thought occurred to me and it almost broke my heart. "Did… did Phoebe give this to you?"
"No! No, she didn't! I found it. It was on her nightstand the day I carried you up to her bedroom."
I felt my eyes grow to the size of saucers. "That was… what? Three, four months ago? Y-You've had it for that long?" I took a deep breath trying to keep myself under control. "Why did you take it? Why would you take something like that that doesn't belong to you?"
"I don't know, Helga. I wasn't thinking. I just saw it and picked it up." Arnold was starting to look so worried and desperate.
"Why did you pick it up?!" I couldn't help screaming.
"I knew it was yours…"
"Yeah… so? You had no right to read this!" I lashed out. "Arnold, you have no idea how private this is! How… How could you?" Tears burned my eyes and my throat started to close up.
"I'm so sorry, Helga!" He took a step closer, holding his arms out, but I shoved them away. "You don't need to be embarrassed, okay? I –"
"Embarrassed?" I laughed bitterly. "You have no idea what I'm feeling, Arnold… and it has nothing to do with embarrassment. I'm pissed!" I looked down at the notebook in my hand, my breath coming in short, strong bursts. "So… I guess you know now, huh?" He knew exactly what I was talking about.
He didn't say anything, but I could see the confirmation in his eyes.
"Helga, I'm sorry."
"Sorry? How could I ever forgive you for this?"
His jaw clenched and his eyes turned watery. "Wow… That's so unfair coming from you, Helga."
"Excuse me?"
"What about all the times you screwed me up, huh? What about all the times you lied to me, stole from me? What about that whole thing with Cecile?" He was shouting now. "I forgave you for all those things, Helga!"
A voice in the back of my mind was telling me he was right, that I should just stop and calm down, but I couldn't. My emotions were running wild. "That… All of that was different."
"Oh, yeah? Different how? Because it was you screwing with me?"
"Screwing with you? What…? Was this some kind of revenge?" Tears were streaming down my face now. "Is… Is that why you kissed me last night?"
Please say no!
"What?! No!" Arnold ran his hands down his face and breathed heavily. "This is getting way out of hand." He looked me straight in the eye. "Helga, I wasn't screwing with you, okay? I've never, ever, done anything to hurt you. If I forgave you for all those dumb things you did, why can't you forgive me for this?"
"Like I said… It's different, Arnold." I dried my tears with the backs of my hands. "It's different because I was just a stupid kid. I did all those crazy things because… because…. because I was in love."
His eyes still held mine as he said, "I still don't see the difference. Helga, I'm just a stupid kid, and I'm also in love… I'm in love with you."
My breathing grew uneven as I felt my heartbeat stop. New tears welled in my eyes as I stared back at him. Did he just say…? No, that was impossible! Arnold couldn't be in love with me… I shook my head frantically. "Arnold… I don't think you know what you're saying."
"I know exactly what I'm saying, Helga."
It was suddenly all too much. Still shaking my head, I started walking towards the door, but Arnold stood in front of me.
"Helga, please…" He pleaded.
"I-I can't. I need to go." I sidestepped him and he grabbed my arm. I looked up at him. "You have no idea what this" I held up the notebook. "…means to me, Arnold. It's not just about you. It's about me too. You don't know how long I've had this bottled up inside me, how long I've been hiding who I really am." I paused to swallow the lump in my throat. "And then… just like that, you –. " My voice broke and I pulled my arm free. "Just please let me go. I really need to go."
He let me go.
Arnold's P.O.V.
I heard her footsteps fading as she ran down the stairs. My throat was burning from fighting back tears, and my heart was shriveling inside my chest. I stumbled over to the bed and sat down, burying my face in my hands. My jaw clenched and tears spilled from my eyes.
Moments later, I heard Grandpa by the door. "Shortman, what happened? We heard –." There was a pause, and then he slowly walked over to the bed and sat down. I felt his hand on my shoulder, but he didn't say anything.
When I felt like I could speak, I looked up and said, "I think I messed things up really bad, Grandpa."
He looked at me sympathetically. "We all mess up sometimes, Arnold."
I shook my head. "I've never felt this way about anyone... I'm in love with her. And I know she feels the same way!" I wasn't really all that surprised that Grandpa wasn't surprised. "After everything I've had to put up with over the years, how can she not forgive me for one mistake?"
"You haven't given her enough time to forgive you. Sometimes these things just take time." He squeezed my shoulder and let go. "Look, Shortman, I don't know what happened… But whatever you did, it couldn't have been that bad."
I looked up at him feeling completely hopeless.
Grandpa half smiled. "Although, she is quite the complicated one, than one, isn't she?"
I groaned and rolled my eyes. "Complicated doesn't even begin to describe her, Grandpa."
He chuckled and gave me a pat on the back. "Things have a way of working themselves out, Arnold. You'll see."
I knew Grandpa was just trying to make me feel better, and he was probably right, but all I could think about was what would've happened had I told her sooner? What would've happened had I never taken the notebook, or had I come clean about it? What if I'd never gone to the bathroom?
I had been so excited and nervous about telling her this morning, I never stopped to think that maybe this could happen, that it could all turn into a complete disaster. Why hadn't I taken better care of the notebook? No! Why had I taken it in the first place?
I punished myself over and over again with those same questions, wondering what could've happened, and went over everything that had happened, every single detail, remembering every word that had been spoken over and over again, until I finally fell asleep.
The next day at school, Helga was obviously avoiding me... Again. There were a few differences from the last time, though. First of all, this time I knew why she was avoiding me. Second, this was a lot worse than the last. And third, I wasn't trying to get her to talk to me. What would I even say?
As if my day couldn't get any worse, Phoebe walked up to me in the hallway as I was putting my books in the locker and yelled at me.
"What is wrong with you? How could you do that?" I had never seen her this upset before. "Did you ever stop to think how you might affect other people with what you did? Helga was at my house last night, screaming at me! In all our years of friendship, that had never happened before! Thank you so much, Arnold!"
Before I could say anything, she was already storming down the hall. I slumped onto the lockers feeling completely defeated.
A hand went to my shoulder. "Don't worry, man, she'll get over it. She lashed out at me first, a minute ago."
"Why did she lash out at you?" I asked Gerald.
"I accidentally let it slip that I knew about the notebook." Gerald slumped onto the lockers next to me.
It was my turn to put my hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, man."
"It's okay." He shrugged. "She'll forgive me… eventually."
"I wish I could say the same."
"Are you gonna tell me what happened?"
I filled Gerald in with all the details.
Helga's P.O.V.
I was just outside Phoebe's house, waiting for her to come home. I had rehearsed what I was going to say to her a dozen times in my head, but when I finally saw her walk up to her front door, my mind went completely blank.
"Helga? What are you doing here?"
Without thinking, I just threw my arms around her. "Oh, Phoebe, I'm so sorry!"
She was too surprised to say anything at first, but she eventually hugged me back and said, "No, Helga, I'm sorry!"
I pulled away from her and grabbed her shoulders. "No, I'm sorry. Phoebe, you're all I have. I shouldn't have yelled at you the way I did. I was so upset, I… I took it all out on you! But it wasn't your fault."
"Helga, you gave me your things to take care of them and I failed you."
"Well, technically, I gave them to you so you would get rid of them because I didn't have the strength to do it myself."
Tears started to form in her eyes. "I'm so sorry! I really am! It's just that I really enjoy reading your poems, and I must've accidentally left your notebook lying around. I didn't mean –"
"It's okay, Pheebs." I squeezed her hand. "I know you didn't mean for this to happen. It was that stupid football head who took something he shouldn't have!"
Phoebe rubbed her eyes. "I can't believe he did that!"
"Yeah, well… He did."
"Do you want to come inside and talk? I bought some ice cream." She lifted a paper bag she was carrying. "I was feeling really depressed because you were mad at me, and was going to eat it all by myself. But now we can share it."
I smiled and shrugged one shoulder. "I could eat some ice cream."
She opened the door, we went up to her bedroom, and I told her everything that had happened.
For about thirty whole seconds, she was speechless. Then she was finally able to say, "So, you're telling me that Arnold is… in love with you?"
"That's what he said."
"Helga, this is huge! W-What are you going to do?"
I sighed and slumped my shoulders. "I don't know, Pheebs. I think I might've screwed things up beyond repair."
"You had a right to be angry, Helga."
"I know, but… I think I overreacted because I was so scared. He read my poems, Phoebe, knowing they were mine, knowing they were about him… I've been hiding this for so long and then suddenly, out of nowhere, he knows! And he doesn't just know, he's actually saying that –" My voice started to break and Phoebe lay a hand on mine. "…that he loves me too."
Phoebe gave me a compassionate look and passed me the ice cream.
Arnold's P.O.V.
A few days later, Gerald and I were sitting on a bench outside the school grounds when Phoebe walked up to us with a faint smile on her face.
She held her hand out to Gerald and said, "Okay… I'm ready to forgive you, dummy." Gerald took her hand in his, and opened his mouth, but she went on, "I still don't appreciate you not telling me, but I guess I understand now… I understand that you were just trying to protect your friend." She shrugged. "Friends keep secrets. The truth is, if things had been the other way around, I wouldn't have told on Helga either."
Gerald wrapped his arms around her and kissed her. "I'm so happy to hear that. I missed you."
"I missed you, too."
"Phoebe," I suddenly said, "I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have –"
"It's okay, Arnold. I forgive you, too." She smiled. "What are you going to do now?"
"I'm not sure there's anything I can do."
"Helga is… Helga. Just give her time. She'll come around."
I just nodded, wishing I felt as sure about that as Phoebe did.
