Ever since the marriage confession Dean had noticed that Castiel was avoiding him the best he could with work and sticking around the family. It was frustrating for Dean who knew the reason why and was getting slowly tired of it. It was a few days after the confession that Dean's will snapped and he waited outside the front door for Castiel to come back. Castiel stared at Dean who walked over to the car, gripped his wrist, and tugged him forcefully towards the apartments. Castiel bit into his lip choosing not to protest when he was practically thrown in by Dean who locked the door and faced him.

"Dean, I…" he said and was cut off when Dean's lips descended on his in a bruising kiss. Hands moved to clutch into his hair and he groaned gripping Dean back missing this connection between them. It was a long minute till Dean drew away kissing his throat softly and leaned back to peer into his eyes.

"Why are you avoiding me?"

"You know why…"

"It happened, Cas, she miscarried and there is nothing I can do or you can do. It hurts yeah but Anna knows it was the probably for the best…" he said trailing off. "We weren't ready and we married for the wrong reasons"

"I feel so guilty" Castiel murmured when Dean pulled him closer so he was leaning against his shoulder. "I've been avoiding her so she couldn't tell me herself and I've taken you…I don't want to let you go now"

"Like I would let you" Dean muttered with a huff pressing a kiss to his forehead. Castiel hummed with a small smile curling his fingers into his t-shirt.

"I still feel guilt…"

"It seems that's all we're feeling lately" Dean muttered with a sigh tipping his chin up to kiss him softly. "You shouldn't feel guilty about the baby, that's our problem, and it doesn't matter now…we've both grieved and we're moving on"

"I can't help it…"

"Talk to her then"

"I don't think I can. I can't even look her in the eye anymore" Castiel replied arching his neck for Dean to run his mouth along flicking his tongue on his pulse and sucking softly. "Is there anymore I should know?"

"Like what?"

"I had already guessed there was more to this marriage and I was right, you're marriage is foolish, rushed, and it's barely hanging on but I feel there is more…like your family?" he hinted cupping his cheek. Dean swallowed hard looking down at the floor and shrugged a shoulder up and down. "Do your parents know...?"

"I don't want to talk about this, Cas" he said suddenly moving away from him.

"Do you not trust me?"

"I trust you"

"Then why will you…"

"Because I can't!" Dean shouted turning to face him. "I just…I can't"

Castiel stood still pressing his lips together watching the emotions flicker across his cheek and moved over slowly touching his shoulder first.

"Okay, it's okay, Dean, you don't have to tell me" he murmured bringing him close and pressing his forehead against his. Dean met his eyes wrapping his arms around his waist tucking him close and closing his eyes when he was content.

"You make me feel weird" Dean murmured feeling Castiel's lips turn into a smile and kiss the corner of his mouth.

"I know"

"I will tell you, just…not now"

"Okay" Castiel murmured wanting to keep the peace between them. "I'm sorry for avoiding you; it's my own personal way of dealing with it"

"Well don't avoid me, deal with it with me" he muttered tucking his head into the crook of his neck kissing the soft skin for a moment before resting there. Warmth flooded through Castiel and he couldn't resist nuzzling his temple with a grin.

Castiel stopped when he realised something and pulled back with a grimace. "I have that date tonight"

Dean froze against him slowly moving back to look into his eyes. "What's his name?"

"Jamie Matthews, he is apparently very clever, gorgeous, and enjoys poetry" he said with a small amused smile. "It sounds too perfect and I prefer you above the rest"

"What? Damaged, taken, a lunatic?"

"Oh yes but also beautiful, incredibly smart, good humoured, and a brilliant caring nature"

"Who the hell are you talking about?" Dean said with a roll of his eyes. "Do me one favour tonight?"

"I'm talking about you, Dean, and what?"

"Don't sleep with him; I know I have no right…"

"You don't have a right but I'm not going to have sex with him, Dean, I do have some standards"

"Even though he's gorgeous, talented, and motherfucking perfect"

"He sounds too perfect and like I said…I like my men a little fucked up" he said leaning over to kiss him softly stroking a hand into the back of hair were the hair was the softest. "It's going to be okay"

"Whatever you say"

"It will be in the end, it always is" he said with a fake smile leaning into kiss him more deeply this time and moved away heading to the door. "I need to get ready; I'll see you later on tonight"

Dean nodded watching him leave and sighed eyeing the drinking cabinet. Castiel walked in and halted glaring at Gabriel who jumped out on him.

"I hear you have a date tonight"

"Yes"

"I thought you were still hung up on B…"

"If you complete that sentence, I will cut your cock off and feed it Rachel's hamster" he said interrupting him. "No, I am not, and that is over and done with now"

"You're a cruel brother" Gabriel murmured covering his heart and stalking away dramatically.

Castiel glared at the retreating back and walked upstairs finding his thoughts drift to Balthazar feeling an uncomfortable feeling settle in his stomach. He hadn't heard a word from him since he left for Denmark which he was pleased about it but it made him uneasy. Balthazar always called and while he was relieved he hadn't it left him wondering why and had he finally listened to him?

Castiel decided not to make too much effort tonight dressing in a simple t-shirt and jeans to meet this guy in Jo's local pub. Dean was in when he walked downstairs and peered in the kitchen to see him standing next to Anna who was cooking. They looked calm and relaxed near one another and Castiel eyed Dean talking to her with warmth in his eyes. It created a knot inside his stomach and he walked in startling the both of them when he grabbed a drink.

"Oh hey you, I hear you have a date" Anna sang with a smirk pressing the wooden spoon to her lips.

"Yes" he said with wide eyes and a nod. "It's nothing"

"I hope it goes very well for you, you need someone in your life"

Castiel hummed sipping his drink meeting Dean's eyes and looked away. "Maybe, I'll see you later"

Anna chuckled watching him leave and shook her head looking back to her food. "No we won't"

"Why do you say that?"

"Because I know my brother better than he knows himself and a few drinks, sweet talk, and a few suggestions they'll be fucking" she said with a soft laugh. "It always happens"

Dean met her smile with his own forced one and felt something twist and an ache spread across his chest at the thought. It hurt, really hurt, and he was almost desperate enough to chase after him and beg him not to go. He glanced over to Anna cooking and swallowed hard moving away with clenched hands. Dean sat down in the living room looking at Rachel tucked up in the corner watching the DVD with a thumb in her mouth. He felt an uncomfortable squeeze in his heart when he wondered if his daughter, if the baby was a girl, would have been like her.

He mentally punched the thoughts away and brought his own thumb up to his mouth and chose to bite around the skin nervously. What if Castiel did sleep with him? He couldn't say or do jack shit about it but the thought terrified him. Dean didn't want Castiel sleeping with another man if it wasn't him and that was selfish and needy of him.

"Why are you sucking your thumb?" Rachel said interrupting his train of thought.

"Copying you squirt"

Rachel grinned at him continuing to watch her film leaving Dean to his thoughts and dimly hearing Gabriel and Anna bickering in the kitchen.

Castiel arrived at the pub walking inside and glanced around to see Jo tucked in the corner with a man with the curliest black hair he had ever seen, small nose, big brown eyes, and a charming smile. Castiel walked over and winced internally when Jo jumped up with a grin and a wink kissing his cheek.

"Jamie, this is Castiel, Castiel, this is Jamie" she said making the introductions so they shook hands and he sat opposite the pair of them. Jo looked between them with a pleased hum.

"Right, gents, I'll be off now" she said shimmying out and winking at Castiel. "Enjoy!"

"Just so you know, I'm doing this for Jo" Castiel said when she left. "I hate to be blunt but nothing is going to come out of this"

"Okay…" Jamie said softly with a raised eyebrow. "Why are you here then?"

"My own personal reasons, I'm protecting not only myself but the person I really want to be with right now" he said scratching his cheek.

"You're in a relationship?" he said astonished.

"No"

"But you're with someone?"

"Yes"

"Can I leave?"

"Only if you tell Joanna Beth that this was night was very successful but we aren't going to meet again"

"Why would I do that?"

"To get her off my case about dating, I'll owe you one in the future" he said with an offhand shrug. Jamie narrowed his eyes baffled and with a small sigh nodded.

"Fine"

"Just like that"

"Why not? To be honest I didn't want to come on this date after getting out of a four year relationship so we both win, don't we" he said with own shrug getting up and saluting before he left. Castiel hummed drumming his fingers on the table before getting up and having a few drinks here before returning to the house and hoping to get an hour in that apartment with Dean. It was a small comfort for now but Castiel knew that after a while it wouldn't be. It hurt now to wake up in a big cold bed knowing Dean was on the other side of the wall tucked around his sister. Castiel knew that he wouldn't be able to do that, he couldn't get into the bed rolling into Dean's arm, feel his warm breath on the back of his neck, his warm arms and body around him keeping him safe and content. It made him sad and the more he felt it the more he ordered drinks.

Three hours later and he was drunk. He knew he was drunk when the bartender in his late fifties with a grey beard, kind eyes, and a loud grumbling laugh became attractive. Castiel shifted with a moan stumbling out and deciding it was a great idea to start walking to the house not caring it was pitch black now and his vision was wavering. He somehow made it 45 minutes to stumble up the driveway managing to avoid falling down, again, and damage his already scratched hands. Castiel hummed wanting Dean now and pulled out his phone dialling his number. Dean answered on the second ring.

"Cas?"

"Hey you"

"Cas, where are you?"

"Driveway, can-can you come to the apartment? Are they asleep?"

"Well…Rachel is, Gabriel and Kendal are watching TV and Anna is in the bath" he murmured in a low voice.

"Apartment, now" he ordered in a low voice too. "Please"

"Fine wait there" he said hanging up and glancing in before walking to the front door and slipping out. Dean looked around the semi dark driveway and walked down to see Castiel stumbling towards him with the happiest smile he had ever seen.

"Cas?" he murmured when he fell into his chest and arms.

"God I want you" he murmured hooking his hands around his neck.

"You're drunk" Dean said with a nod pulling him with him as they walked to the apartment. Castiel hummed delighted clinging to his hand and gasped when Dean shoved him in turning on the lamp and locking the door.

"What happened?" Dean said folding his arms across his chest fixing him with hard eyes. "Three hours, Cas"

"You have no idea how sexy you look right now" Castiel said with a small chuckle. "I want you"

"Cas, I asked you a question"

"I know, so commanding, take off your clothes and I'll talk" he murmured walking over and cupping his cheeks. "Strip"

"No, tell me what happened" he said removing his hands.

Castiel huffed rolling his eyes dramatically. "Nothing happened! One minute into the date I told him I didn't want anything to happen and I'm only protecting myself and the one I like, you by the way, and he left"

"Seriously?"

"Yes! Nothing happened, Dean, I swear my love" he murmured kissing his chin. "Will you strip for me?"

"Is that all that happened?"

"Yes! I got drunk after that and here I am…with you…and I want you so much, I need to feel you, all of you, I want to wake up next to you"

"You know that can't happen" Dean whispered and frowned sadly when Castiel pouted with his best puppy dog eyes coming to life. It made Dean's insides melt into goo and he moved forward cupping his cheeks softly.

"Stop that"

"Stop what?"

"Stop looking like a wounded puppy" Dean said with a deep sigh inhaling alcohol. "I want to wake up with you as well"

"I hate that I wake up alone and you're next door, you ass, and I hate that I can't feel my face" he said poking at his cheek. "I feel so numb and I'm so tired"

"You're so cute drunk" he whispered with a snort of laughter. "I was worried you would sleep with him"

"I told you I wouldn't and Jo told me he would be attractive and he wasn't…he looked like a human poodle" Castiel murmured with a deep frown. "I wouldn't sleep with him, I have you, Dean, and you're perfect"

"I think you need sleep" Dean murmured when his arms wrapped around his neck and he moulded fitting into his body. Castiel laughed softly shaking his head.

"Dean, please, stay with me here…tell Anna that I was throwing up and you were concerned about me" he pleaded looking into his eyes.

"She'll come looking for me"

"Go…go into the house and-and tell her I'm really, really, drunk and you want to stay with me" he whispered digging his nails into the back of his neck. "Please"

Dean struggled looking into the wide blue eyes filling his vision and could feel his head moving on its own accord to nod. Castiel gaped in astonishment clapping his hands like an overexcited seal and stumbled backwards falling onto his ass with a groan.

"You're hopeless" Dean said closing his eyes. "Stay there"

Castiel hummed leaning back onto his elbows giving him a leering smile and a wink when he walked out leaving him to giggle on the floor like a big drunk girl. Dean walked up to the house ignoring Gabriel and Kendal debating over a cop show and ran upstairs to see Anna in the bedroom wrapped in a towel.

"Hey babe, Cas is back and…he's drunk" he said breathless.

"No surprise there"

"He's crashed in the apartment and throwing up…everywhere and he doesn't want me to leave him" he lied easily. "I said I'd sleep on the chair next to him just in case"

Anna turned to look at him bemused. "You've grown close to him haven't you?"

"Well…he's a friend"

Anna smiled at him warmly and nodded walking over to give him a kiss. "Make sure he doesn't choke will you?"

"Of course" he said kissing her briefly back. "See you in the morning"

Anna nodded with a small chuckle when he left and got ready for bed without second guessing it. Dean headed out of the front door again and back to the apartment locking it behind him and looked at Castiel drinking from a bottle of vodka.

"Cas, no!" he cried walking over and snatching it away. Castiel yelped shooting him a wounded look wobbling in his position.

"What-what was that for?"

"You're already drunk, you dick, lie down now" he murmured stashing it away. Castiel hummed eyeing him.

"Let's have sex" he murmured gripping his shoulders. "I want you so much"

"No way, you reek, Cas, and not in a good way" Dean murmured pushing him down on the couch. "Do you want to throw up?"

"Nope" he said popping the "p" and smiling widely at him. "You're so beautiful, Dean, no, listen to me, Dean, are-are you listening to me?"

"I'm listening to you" he muttered taking off Castiel's shoes and socks.

"You're so beautiful with your apple eyes, your freckles that I want to count over and over again, your body, god your body, and your hair which I love running my-my hands into because it's like…sand and rainbows"

"You're hammered, Cas, sit up" he said taking off his t-shirt.

"You are, you are, Dean, and you-you need to believe this" he said loudly gripping his shoulders. "I want you to know something, shush, shush, come here"

Dean fought back a smirk when he pulled him forward looking into his eyes. "I-I stole Gabriel's Buffy DVD's"

"I thought you didn't"

"It's punishment for being a damn…trickster" he said with a scowl. "They're in-in my underwear drawer"

"How naughty of you" Dean murmured chuckling and undressing himself so they could sleep.

"Aw, are you stripping for me?"

"Yes, baby, just for you"

"You're so sexy" he murmured reaching out for him. Dean moved over grabbing the waste basket and putting it near the couch.

"Just in case"

"I'm fine!" Castiel snapped leaning back and giggling. Dean shook his head at the small laugh, an actual fucking giggle, coming out of his lips before moving over and plunging the room into semi darkness when he turned out the light.

Dean moved them till his back was facing the sofa and Castiel was near the edge in case he needed to throw up. They wriggled till Dean was spooning him with his arms wrapped around his waist, Castiel nestled into the crook of his neck breathing warm air on him.

"Dean?" he whispered loudly.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you"

"You're welcome" he murmured pressing his lips to his forehead.

They slipped into silence with Castiel nestled into him breathing deeply and relaxed completely into him.

"Dean?"

"What?"

"I think I should get a cat"

"No, go to sleep now"

"Okay"

"Dean?"

"What?!"

"How about a duck?"

"Cas, shut up and go to sleep"

"Fine"

Dean sighed deeply nestling into the pillow needing sleep more than ever.

"D-Dean?"

"What, Cas?"

"Can I love you?"

"Yeah if you go to sleep"

"Okay"

Silence came after that leaving Dean to stare into the darkness for a long time before moving his eyes down to Castiel snoring softly on his shoulder. He swallowed hard wondering if Castiel would know what he said in the morning. His heart hammered hard at the simple drunk words because they meant more than he realised. Dean couldn't sleep after that listening to Castiel breathe in and out till around 2am he woke up with a groan.

"Cas?"

"Sick" he murmured simply rolling to the waste basket and throwing up noisily into it. Dean grimaced in disgust when the smell hit him but rubbed his back when the vomit kept on coming till he slumped on the couch exhausted.

"Dean" he said with a whimper.

"It's okay baby" he soothed kissing the back of his neck. Dean reached down grabbing his t-shirt and handed it to him to wipe his mouth on. Castiel looked up at him sighing deeply when his cool fingers smoothed down the side of his face.

"You need to throw up anymore?"

He did. For three hours Dean sat with him while he threw up noisily into the basket whimpering and moaning into Dean's now damp chest. Dean simply stayed there soothing him with temple kisses and stroking a hand down his back. Dean knew it was more than just sex now not only for himself but for Castiel who crawled into his lap laying his head on his shoulder breathing with him and listening to his pulse. They were tucked up in secret in an apartment reeking of sick and alcohol and that was all they had right now and it was all they were going to have.

A/N: Thank you for the reviews! Keep them coming!