She should have known that Santana would be watching out the window when the car pulled up, waiting on pins and needles for Adriana's return home so she could swoop in with her interrogation. Adriana had barely shut the front door behind her and ascertained that their abuela was nowhere within sight or hearing range before Santana pounced, blocking her from going any further down the hall. She seized her by the wrist, already hissing her comments as she pulled Adriana into their bedroom and shut the door behind her, eyes boring hard into her twin's as she spoke.
"I cannot believe you let those two dorky gay dudes drive into this neighborhood, are you hoping that they'll be egged or shot up? Not to mention that they are Rachel Berry's dads, jesus, Adri, did you even think this through at all? You were just seen by god knows who, being dropped off by the dads of Rachel Berry, as though you were voluntarily in her presence at some point in time. Fuck, Adri, what if someone is clueless and stupid enough to think you were me? Forget the gay dudes, you're begging for us to be the ones getting shot."
"Santana, you're being dramatic," Adriana told her, rolling her eyes with some secret enjoyment that it was she rather than her sister who got to have such a reaction this time. "And for someone who's worried about being associated with Rachel, you're sure starting to talk in paragraphs kind of like she does."
"Not funny, don't say that shit," Santana warned, shaking her head at her and pointing a finger for emphasis. "Where the hell were you that you required a ride from Rachel Berry's dads? Glee? Please tell me it wasn't Glee again, if you keep going people are gonna think you actually joined."
"I did join," Adriana informed her, slightly injured in tone. "I told you, it looks fun…stop trying to make me feel bad about it, Tana."
If she had expected her sister to listen to that, she was sorely mistaken. Instead Santana's eyes grew wide with horror, and she half covered her face with her hand, groaning.
"Nooo, no way. Why would you do this to me? After all the instructions I gave you, after I spelled out everything you needed to have even a chance of social success, and you can't follow even one single bit of it! I swear, what the hell happened in our womb?"
"Santana, it's fun," Adriana insisted, twirling a finger through her hair uneasily. "It really is. I think you would like it, even. You like to dance and sing and have a good time, even if you don't let people see it very much. If you'd give it a chance, you would like it too, I bet."
"There is zero chance of me having anything like fun with people like Rachel Scary and Lady Kurt Hummel in my vision, all the while knowing that the entire school is busting a gut laughing at me," Santana corrected her, rolling her eyes to the ceiling and huffing loudly. "Look, Adri, you're all innocent and sweet and you think that everything is just all right because everyone is nice and no one cares what anyone else is doing as long as they're nice and happy, but you're wrong, okay? You're just wrong. All that shit everyone tells us about everyone being important and equal and everyone should respect everyone, it sounds awesome when you're three and still watching Sesame Street, but guess what, you grow up one day and you figure out life just ain't like that. Somehow you missed out on that lesson, so I'm gonna school you now and catch you up. You gotta drop out, Adriana. That's just how it is."
She said this with finality, as though there were no other possibilities, no other options past her own view. But to Adriana, this was not only untrue, it was infuriating. She wasn't often angry with her sister, but Santana's attitude then was causing her to see things in a different light than usual. How dare her sister, who had never bothered to have a real conversation with Rachel or any of the other kids in Glee, be able to tell Adriana with such full assurance what she thought she should do?
Drawing herself up, her shoulders squared, Adriana looked her twin in the eye, shaking her head. She spoke firmly, sharing with Santana her views in a level but intense tone.
"No, Santana, it isn't. That isn't just how it has to be. That's the way things have been up to now, for you and other people that won't even give them a chance. It's not how it has to be, indefinitely…it's just how people make it to be. But it doesn't have to be like that, and it won't for me."
"Adri, get real," Santana said incredulously, shaking her head. "Who's been here longer, me or you? Who actually understands social hierarchy here, me or you? Who was willing to wear friggin' sweat pants and overalls well into middle school until I put my foot down, and who had to teach who how to do makeup and straighten hair? Trust me, I know what I'm talking about here, and if you just do what I say you'll be way happier."
"But that's the thing, San, I won't," Adriana insisted, standing her ground. "That's what you don't get. I was okay doing those things. I was okay dressing how I wanted to and not being popular. I didn't like being teased, but I didn't care if everyone in the school liked me or not. I won't be happier if I'm not doing the things I like to do just because other people think it's dorky, and you know what, San? You're not happier either. You're not really happy. Don't tell me you are, because I'm your sister and I know what your happy looks like. You aren't happy in school. You're just pretending to be, because that's what you think you have to do."
She saw her sister's face freeze, the defensiveness mingled with vulnerability coming into her eyes, and Adriana softened, lowering her voice a little and stepping closer to put her hand on her twin's shoulder.
"I know you're just trying to protect me, Sanny, I do. But I need to make my own choices. You have to let me do things the way I want to."
"Yeah, well, the last time I let you do things the way you wanted to, you ended up with busted ribs," Santana shot back, and it was Adriana's turn to flinch. "Excuse me if I doubt your ability to have decent decisions when it comes to your life."
"That's true," Adriana admitted after a long pause, her eyes downcast. She took a deep breath, settling herself and her courage, before lifting her eyes back up to her sister. "But maybe I still want to keep trying to have real friends that really like me, and not just how I dress and how mean I can be."
"And maybe you ought to be scared of what the hell is going to happen if your little virgin lesbian heart gets crushed again," Santana retorted, the words harsh, but her eyes were serious, focused on her twin. "Because maybe this time Twin Tana won't be willing to slap it back together."
Adriana paused, her lower lip caught between her teeth, and then took a deep breath, her shoulders slumping as she gave her own soft reply.
"I don't think I'm the only one who's afraid to be in love, Santana."
She met her sister's eyes for several moments then, watching as they grew dark and dilated with emotions Adriana could not fully label. Santana turned her back on her abruptly then, snatching up her phone and starting to peck away, texting what Adriana assumed was probably one of the numerous and indistinguishable blonde cheerleaders she was always around. Adriana didn't speak either, and the silence remained for the rest of the evening. It was the first night since Adriana had returned that Santana didn't crawl into the bottom bunk of their bunk beds with her, and Adriana didn't ask her to. This time, she wanted her point to be made. She wasn't going to let her sister's disapproval wear her down.
88
The silence between Adriana and Santana carried on for much of the next morning as they prepared for school, a difficult task to achieve considering the small space they had to maneuver around each other in the bathroom. Normally it would bother Adriana for her sister to be upset with her, and she had to admit she did feel a twinge of discomfort at her sister's behavior. It wasn't in her nature to be confrontational easily, and in the past she had quickly given in during disagreements and let Santana have her way, even if she still didn't like what she was saying. But this time she held her ground, and though Santana got a ride from Brittany Pierce to school and Adriana rode the bus alone, Adriana was determined to make her own point as well.
Rachel found her in the hall again before classes and started talking to her before she was even quite within hearing range, holding onto Adriana's arm easily and even linking hers through as she walked with her to Adriana's locker. Before she had even gotten all of her books out of her locker, Adriana found herself agreeing to eating lunch with Rachel and again going to her house after Glee club. And even though she saw Santana sashay by with her Cheerio friends at her sides, giving Adriana a death stare before turning up her nose and walking on, Adriana continued to talk with Rachel, even giving her a shy shoulder squeeze before separating.
The day seemed to pass entirely too quickly, nearly a blur of activity, but for Adriana, each moment around Rachel seemed to slow into an almost ridiculously prolonged period of time that she nevertheless enjoyed every moment of. Around Rachel, it was difficult to concentrate on any of the mocking looks or whispers thrown their way, and what was more, it was difficult to care. Even if they came from her own sister.
It felt a little strange, but nice, to sit beside Rachel in Glee, to walk out of the choir room with her to meet her father Hiram at the school front, where he was waiting to take her home. It was nice to be greeted so warmly by him, like she was an old family friend instead of a fairly new acquaintance, and Adriana inwardly marveled at the idea that another adult could truly seem to want to hear about her day and what she might have to say. He asked about her classes and Glee, her family and her activities, and he seemed actually interested, not just trying to be polite or make small talk. Adriana wondered as she spoke with him if this was how Rachel, with so much indifference and even cruelty in her daily life at school, managed to continue to exist in such high spirits- because the love and interest and support of her fathers was able to make up for the treatment she received from everyone else.
Once she and Rachel had eaten one of Rachel's vegan snacks and finished chatting with her father in their kitchen, Adriana had followed the girl up to her bedroom and willingly enough let Rachel run through a series of her notes and observations of the Glee practice and how Adriana, as well as every other member of Glee, could improve. After a good twenty minutes of this, however, the girls lapsed into silence, and as Rachel sat beside Adriana on her bed, she tilted her head towards her curiously, seeming to hesitate before voicing her question.
"Ana? I suppose it is none of my business if this isn't something you wish to converse with me in regards to, but… I can't help but be curious as to why Santana came into our school so long before you did. I mean, she was attending our school a full year or perhaps going on two before you did. Did you simply not wish to change schools, or were you living in different households until this time? Or was there another reason?"
Adriana tensed automatically, letting out a slow breath. Until this point in time she had received no questions in regards to her move to WMHS, perhaps because no one had cared enough to ask. She didn't want to lie to Rachel, but neither was she comfortable telling her the story of her relationship with Amanda. And definitely, no matter how mad Santana was at her now, could she betray Santana's trust by telling Rachel about Santana's own experience.
"Santana and I have always lived together," she said instead, choosing her words carefully. "We live with our abuela- our grandmother. Santana got into trouble last year, and our abuela thought that it would be better for her if she switched schools and wasn't around the person who, um, our abuela disapproved of. Then…then I got in trouble this year too, and our abuela had me switch to the same school."
It was the truth, in as vague detail as she could manage. She found herself almost holding her breath, her body still tense with her anticipation of Rachel's response. Rachel was looking at her with such serious, sympathetic eyes, and when the girl reached out to lay a hand on her arm, Adriana had to force herself not to shiver.
"That must have been hard," Rachel said. "Going to school without your twin, when you were used to always being with her. Or did you not see her much in school? It looks like she doesn't…well, that you two do not run in the same social circles here."
"We don't," Adriana admitted, shrugging. "But it wasn't like that, before. Not really. We stuck together more." Remember this, she felt a tightness in her chest, sadness for not just herself, but for Santana. She knew that it had been very hard for herself to move to another school, to leave the girl she had been with at the time behind and never speak to her again. Try as she might to put on a tough face and shrug off any feelings, to put on the mask and emotions of a straight popular girl who had nothing at all in common with the girl Adriana knew, Adriana had heard her sister's sobs muffled into her pillow the first week of attending WMHS alone, and she had been the one to curl up behind her and stroke her hair until she fell asleep.
Thinking of this, she felt her heart twist again, this time for Santana. She found herself starting to waver in her resolve not to break their standoff, thinking of going to her, after coming home with Rachel, and trying to make amends. It was hard for Santana, she knew, so hard and so stressful to keep up her guard, both at home, with their abuela, and in school. It affected her more than she wanted Adriana or even herself to know, Adriana thought.
Her thoughts must have shown in her expression, because she felt Rachel's hand move up to her shoulder in a gentle squeeze. "Adriana?"
"I'm okay," Adriana forced a smile, and her hand moved to cover Rachel's, squeezing back. "It's just…I know how Santana is in school, Rachel. She's really…I don't like how she acts, and I don't like the person she tries to be. Especially towards you. But that isn't really who she is. Not really. She's just…she's had a hard time, and she's hurt, and she's…she's scared." Even as she spoke this she was realizing it was the truth. "She would hate for me to say this to you and she'd say it wasn't true, even to me. But it is. I know her better than that."
Rachel was regarding her, seeming to be processing her words, before she nodded. But her thoughts didn't seem to be on Santana as she slowly, carefully touched a faded bruise at Adriana's jaw, just visible where her heavy makeup had begun to wear off.
"When you say…that she's hurt, and she's scared….I can't help but having noticed, Adriana, that…that you have been somewhat injured yourself. You do very well with hiding it, but when I am close to you, and sometimes, the way you carry yourself…" she hesitated again, her eyes sliding to Adriana's ribs, before she continued, her words in a rush. "Is someone…is someone hurting you, Adriana? Someone in your home? You, and Santana? Because, because that doesn't have to keep happening. There is help for that, people can truly help you, I promise, and I don't want-"
"What?" Adriana interrupted, almost bursting out laughing at the thought. "No, no!" The thought of her tiny abuela beating her to the point of bruising and breaking ribs was almost comical, as the woman was a head shorter than the twins. Of course, Alma Lopez had not been above pinching wrists or slapping cheeks or giving a smack on the backside with a spoon, and her words could bruise a heart more quickly than any blow could bruise skin. But she had hardly beaten them, though from Rachel's grave expression, the thought was a serious one indeed.
Clearing her throat, she shook her head, taking another breath to pull herself together. "No, no, Rachel, I promise. No one's hurting us."
"But someone hurt you," Rachel persisted, her finger still just barely touching Adriana's jaw. "Someone hurt you, Adriana, and…and it just really worries me, truly. I just…I hate to think of you being hurt, and I want to be sure you are safe."
The sincerity in her voice, in her steadfast fixation on Adriana's face, immediately softened her. Her heart wrenching even more sharply than it had before, Adriana looked away, wetting her lips before she could look back at her. Rachel's hands were on her skin, so gentle, so soft, her face close to hers, and she could feel her body shaking slightly, wanting to mold into her side and be enveloped with her warmth. She could almost physically feel Rachel's caring, and without quite planning to she found herself speaking aloud, her words hushed and yet clear.
"Someone did hurt me, once. Someone I thought I loved, and who I thought loved me. I was wrong, and what happened after…it was…it was bad. But it won't happen again. It was only once."
"But it was enough," Rachel nearly whispered back, the pain in her voice astonishing Adriana, that someone could feel that towards her, when they did not have to, when they had no connection with her that required it. "It was more than enough."
Adriana could still feel Rachel's hand on her jawbone, holding her so gently, as though frightened she too could hurt her with the wrong move. Her hand shifted, her fingertips now stroking Adriana's cheek, and the tenderness of her touch caused Adriana to suck in her breath, leaning her face further into her grasp. Rachel carefully stroked her skin, as though trying to replace pain with the sweetness of her touch, and as this thought occurred to her, Adriana's throat choked, and tears came into her eyes. She shut them tightly, trying to keep any from emerging, lest Rachel misinterpret and pull away. That was the last thing she wanted to happen then, for Rachel's touch to stop.
She could feel Rachel's warm breath against her face, could hear her slightly uneven breathing, almost in time with the pounding of her own heart. Her eyes were still closed when Rachel leaned in, her lips covering Adriana's with her own.
For the first few moments Adriana froze, unable to give a response as her body and her mind and emotions came together in a tangle, battling for dominance. And then she was sitting up, one hand reaching out to cup Rachel's head in her hands as she kissed her back, and there seemed to be no other possibility but to continue what seemed an inevitable action from the start.
