OH MY GOD. I finished chapter nine at LAST!!! And look, it's one year to the day since I posted chapter 8. Er... Sorry. :/
ANYWAY. This chapter contains lots of the usual hijinks, along with an appearance by Uncle Kristo, because he's hot and I love him. Yaaay! I promise, I'll try to crank the next chapter out faster.
Disclaimer: This... Is... J.K.'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kicks a Persian into a pit.
-
-
Chapter 9: Life Goes On
Loving you is easy because you're convenient.
-
-
I know that I'm avoiding an issue when I start acting like my life is normal. It had been two days since the big date (and nothing had changed, of course) and I was going about my business like a regular person- because I was in denial. What I really needed to focus on was what exactly went on in that creepy old house my dad grew up in.
Instead, I was making egg salad.
"...What are you doing?" Severus entered the kitchen and frowned at me.
"Making egg salad." I held up the egg for him to see.
"Why are you making egg salad?"
"Because I want egg salad."
"But why do you want egg salad?"
"I'm hungry, and I'm in the mood for a salad of egg."
"You can't have egg salad."
"Why not?"
"Because we're eating dinner in an hour."
"I'm hungry now, I'm eating egg salad. We'll eat dinner later."
"We can't!"
"Why not?"
"Because I want dinner in an hour. I was planning it."
"What's so important about having dinner in an hour? Is there some sort of covert operation involved? If you don't eat in an hour, a bomb will go off or something, right?"
"Haha. Listen, dinner is in one hour, so don't make egg salad."
"I'll make egg salad if I want egg salad, and I want egg salad. If you want dinner so badly in an hour, then eat dinner in an hour! I don't care, really."
"...I want you to eat with me."
"I'll sit and watch you."
"You can't just sit and watch me eat, that's weird."
"Then I'll sit and drink something! I'll nibble on a snack, something like that."
"I want you to eat dinner with me."
"I'm making egg salad."
"No."
"Yes."
"You can't."
"Yes, I can."
"I won't allow it."
"Try and stop me."
"I'm taking your egg hostage."
"No!"
"If you don't meet my demands, the egg gets it."
"Give it back!"
"I'm afraid I can't do that. All you have to do is back away from the pot, and no eggs get hurt."
"I refuse. I don't negotiate with terrorists."
"Very well. You've made your decision."
"Wait! It never did anything to you!"
"Say goodbye. Ha!"
"...What the hell are you two doing?" Draco dropped a bag of groceries onto the table. "Have you gone completely mad?"
"Draco! Get the egg!"
"...What?"
"Do it or I'll deck you!"
"Fine." He took out his wand. "Accio egg."
"Yes! A hostage crisis has been averted!"
"Ack," Severus grumbled. "I've been foiled."
Draco raised an eyebrow.
"I suppose I'll just go work, now." With a sigh, Severus stalked out of the room.
"What's wrong with Severus?" Dad walked into the kitchen with more groceries.
"His evil plan to murder my egg has been foiled," I replied, snatching the egg from Draco and dropping it into the now boiling water.
"Oh. That's nice."
"This is the last time you force me into the freakshow," Draco muttered to Dad.
"No one's forcing you. You make the decision on your own."
"Sure, just like I decided to buy pretzel flavored ice cream."
"First off, they're chocolate covered pretzels. Second off, it's good."
"Right." Draco is such a girl sometimes.
"Just don't go near my egg," I warned them.
"Draco's never been near an egg before in his life," Dad replied automatically. "Oh, wait... You mean the kind you eat."
"Harhar," Draco sniped. "You are so funny. If you're ready to actually get something useful done, then meet me at the office."
"Bye, Faggy McFaggerton," I called after him as he left.
"Are you making egg salad?" Dad asked, ignoring Draco's departure.
"Yes, and you can't have any."
"Alright, then. I've got to get back to... Work... Anyway." He paused in the doorway, smiling back at me. "I love you, darling."
"You too, Dad."
I love how my Dad just comes and goes as he pleases, as if he lives here... Still. Well, at least he forces Draco to go grocery shopping for us. He has that much going for him.
Speaking of whom, I would have to interrogate him about those photographs and the medicine and stuff... Knowing Dad, he'd either have a crazy bitch fit or just change the subject. I wasn't going to let that happen, though. I was going to back him up into a corner and force it out of him!
All that was left was to figure out exactly how to force it out of him. Veritaserum? No, that could be blocked with magic... So maybe some sodium pentothal. But where would I get something like that? Maybe I could draw the truth out of him with cute shoujo manga. Or... Cake or something. A stuffed animal, perhaps?
"Arrrrrgh hello!"
I jumped as the door slammed and took a moment to ponder: who, aside from Dad or Draco, would burst into the house unannounced except for inarticulate shouting? "Uncle Kristo?"
"Too right!" He swung into the kitchen, one hand solidly gripping the door frame. Then, he fell flat on his face.
"Drunk again, I see."
"Naaahhh, this is how my balance is when I'm sober!" He picked himself up, brushing off his clothes; he was dressed in a normal shirt and jeans, thank goodness.
"How did you even get here?"
"Eh," he replied vaguely. "Hey! Guess what!" And he ran out of the kitchen, returning shortly with a suitcase.
"Severus will not be happy," I informed him, a little annoyed, myself. "We just got Dad out of the house, you know!"
"True! However, you can't just turn away your uncle and Godfather during his time of need, can you?"
"What need?"
"My house burned down."
"I would ask how, except that I don't want to know."
"I got you a present!" He opened his suitcase and fished out a jar of honey. It was probably spiked with some sort of liquor.
"Thanks. How are the bees, by the way?"
"They're doing alright. They sympathize with my situation."
"I'm sure."
"They're all buzzing about what's happened."
I crossed my arms and stared at him.
"Get it? Buzzing?"
"Yeah. I get it."
"Hey!" Severus came stomping up from his crazy potions dungeon that he insanely has in his house and came swooping into the kitchen. "Did you move my... Mandrake... Roots?" He had caught sight of Uncle Kristo mid-sentence and was alternating his gaze between him and the suitcase.
"Nope," Uncle Kristo replied.
"There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for this!" I jumped in, and got a glare in response. "Uncle Kristo's house burned down."
"What the- how- This is not a halfway home! I do not run a bed and fucking breakfast!" Severus was taking it pretty well, for him.
"Don't ask him how the house burned down," I warned. "You probably don't want to know."
"I guess I'll go put my stuff upstairs," Uncle Kristo stated merrily, walking away.
Severus was extremely red.
"Calm down, now," I tried to soothe him. "You don't want to collapse or anything, now, do you?"
"Why did you let that man into my house!?"
"He's my godfather and he needs a place to stay! Besides, his birthday's coming up soon. I'm sure it won't take him too long to find a new house... Although, his home was uninsured..."
"ARGH!" Severus dropped into a chair at the kitchen table and audibly gritted his teeth.
"It's not like I plan this kind of convoluted plot."
"Stop talking like a writer and make my dinner, woman!"
"I think I'll have roast turkey tonight," I replied. "Get to work." With that, I scampered off to make sure that Uncle Kristo hadn't mistaken any of Severus' potions for liquor... Or even worse, found the liquor cabinet.
Fortunately, I found him in the guest room. And on the way there, I had come up with the brilliant plan to interrogate him about Dad. "There you are!" I exclaimed as I witnessed him unpacking about one outfit and eight bottles of assorted alcohol. "...You are a raging alcoholic with no shame whatsoever."
"Say what you will, but I pick my priorities and I stick to them- and that is admirable."
"...Whatever." I watched him unpack for about a second before I was taken hold of by the need to get to the freaking point. "So what do you know about Dad's past?"
"Eh?"
"Don't you 'Eh?' me! I know you know something, so let me know what you know."
"I know you know that I know something, but I'm not going you let you know what I know because your father wouldn't want you to know what I know, or that I know that you know what I know."
"Okay, you beat me."
"What can I say? I am the master of word games."
"I'll concede to that point," I sighed, "so stop stalling and tell me about Dad's past."
He shrugged, grinning evilly. "It's a mystery."
"You are so obviously lying that you might as well be drunk," I spat out. However, the comment immediately gave me an idea as to how to get something out of Uncle Kristo.
"If you insist," he hummed, picking up a gigantic bottle of ouzo and polishing it with his sleeve.
I whipped out my wand and immediately pointed it at his alcohol stash. "Speak up or the booze gets blown to bits."
Uncle Kristo stopped polishing the ouzo as his face slowly contorted into an expression of complete and utter horror. "You wouldn't," he gasped. "You couldn't." He immediately cradled the ouzo close to his chest, his eyes darting back and forth between my wand and the rest of his bottles.
"You know I will," I replied. "Don't you remember when I used to pour it down the sink?"
"Yeah, you little brat," he grumbled, starting to look pissed off; that's always a sure sign that he's about to give in to me. He always buckles eventually. "This stuff is expensive, you know!"
"It isn't as valuable as knowledge." I put my free hand on my hip, waiting.
"Fine! Put the wand down and I'll talk."
I tucked the wand into my belt, just in case I needed to take it out again, then sat down on the bed, just in case I fell over or fainted or something.
Uncle Kristo scratched his chin, looking thoughtfully up at the ceiling. "Well, I'm not sure where to start, now."
I put my hand on the handle of my wand.
"I suppose you can choose where to start from," he rushed out.
"I don't know, wherever."
"Then I'll start with how I met your dad."
Well, that's weird; I'd never heard that story before. "Really? How?"
"Well, you know that your parents met at the zoo, since Miriam used to take Roula and me there all the time, right?"
"Yeah."
"Well, as it turned out, Nathanyel had been keeping an eye on Miriam for quite some time before they actually met." He shook his head, looking sort of amused. "One day, just out of the blue, he introduced himself to me and bought me a popsicle in order to get information about Miriam."
"Just like that?" I raised my eyebrows, stunned at how forward Dad had been.
"Yeah, I thought he was a pretty big asshole at first. But he has this habit of growing on you..."
"Alright, I have the general idea, now get to the good stuff."
"You're being awfully rude to your Godfather, don't you think?" Uncle Kristo huffed.
I stroked my wand lovingly.
"So, here's what I know. His dad was an asshole, his uncle disappeared, and his cousin Olivia is hot. And when I say hot, I mean smoking hot, like- like dominatrix hot, you know?"
"Yes, I know, I know all this already!"
"And man is that woman strong. I'll bet she's flexible, too-"
"Shut up about Olivia!" I snapped. "You're a priest, you shouldn't be talking about people like that anyway!" I was getting a little irritated by all of his stalling and... Drooling over Dad's cousin. Ew.
"Right. So I also know that Nathanyel's got some kind of magical illness that only his uncle knows how to treat, or something like that. And he's messed up in the head. That's about it, really."
"That's it?"
Uncle Kristo shrugged. "I'm as out of the loop as you are, I suppose."
"This is just great." I got up from the bed, brushing myself off. "And I have work tomorrow, too. God, that place is boring. Do you know what I do at my job?"
"I don't know, sell your body?"
"No, I sit around behind the counter and talk to my coworkers. Alright, so it's easy and it pays well enough, but I always imagined myself working at a magazine or something."
"Just sell your body," he advised. "That always works. For women, at least."
"You're gross."
"You should just ask Nathanyel about his past and all, if you're so curious." He started unpacking the rest of his things, which I didn't bother to look at, because I did not want to know what he had bothered to save from the fire.
"He's not going to tell me anything. You know how Dad is."
"Yeah, he's kind of an ass. I guess your only two choices are to either ask him or just figure things out on your own." He folded his only shirt and dropped it in the chest of drawers.
"I'll think about it," I sighed. "I'll leave you in peace, for now." I left to go hunt down Severus and try to placate him with sex. After all, the only things he seems to respond to are sex and food, and I wasn't in the mood to cook.
- - -
"...So if you rub this all over your body, that hideous rash will clear right up. Have a ball."
I was at work, and Margaret was taking care of an extremely annoying customer who was expecting us to diagnose his rash for him. If we were doctors, we wouldn't be working at an apothecary.
"Have a good day," Margaret apathetically told the customer.
We watched him walk out of the store, waiting until the door had completely and totally closed behind him.
"That motherfucker," Margaret huffed.
"He was soooo annoying," I whined. "I don't want to know about his rash! I don't even want to know that you know about his rash!"
"I just wanted to stab him in the eyes."
"Speaking of which, how's your gallery stuff going?"
"Oh, it's all a huge pain in the ass, as usual."
I love Margaret; she never has anything positive to say about anyone or anything. It's so entertaining.
"I can't get a response from the gallery about any of their restrictions or rules, and I don't even know if I'm allowed to have any guests aside from a 'date.'" She even used air quotes for the word "date."
"Who says you have to have a date?"
"My bene-fucking-factor, that's who. And of course I have to do everything the bastard says because he's the one who got me the gallery opening in the first place. God, what a jackhole."
"Wait, just some random guy got you a gallery opening? Eh?" I was confused; I don't really understand how the art world works.
"Not just some guy, he's... He's..." She paused for a moment, staring out into space. "Alright, so you might be able to say that he's just 'some guy,' but he was actually my model for most of the stuff in the gallery show."
"Well, if you don't really have a relationship with him, then what's the deal?"
"I met him when I worked in a grocery store. He used to shop there a lot." She shrugged. "He just turned out to be some weird rich guy with really good connections."
"Well you lucked out, then, I guess."
"I guess." She leaned her head in her hand, frowning. "I don't really like him all that much, though."
"Isn't that how it always goes," I sighed.
"Margaret!" Alexander came prancing out of his enchanted junior manager forest.
"What." She always seemed to get into a slightly worse mood whenever Alexander decided to be around us, but from what I could tell, they got along rather well.
"I... I..." He polished his nails on the front of his shirt, trying to look nonchalant. "I lost the inventory."
"...You lost the whole inventory?"
"What's the big deal?" I foolishly asked.
"We'll have to do the whole fucking thing all over again, that's what!" Margaret snapped. "How do you lose a freakin' inventory?"
"I put it down on my desk, and then when I tried to find it again it was gone!" Then, to my utter surprise, Alexander dropped to his knees, clutching the countertop. "You have to help me find it."
"Why do I have to help you?"
"Because I'm in trouble and I pay you way too much." He inched right up to the edge of the countertop, resting his nose on it and staring up at Margaret with big puppy dog eyes. "Nadia can watch the front. It has to be somewhere in the office."
"No," she grumbled, crossing her arms.
"Please, please, please! I need to find that inventory before anyone else finds out! I can't let the manager find out, and I can't let the owner find out! Pleeeease, I'll be sacked!"
"It's your own fault."
"Oh, don't be so cold, Margaret." I thought some more verbal nudging would be in order. "The fairy needs your help!"
"I'm going to ignore that comment, since you are taking my side," Alexander sniffed. "Come on, Margaret, what'll happen to you if I get sacked? You'll probably get a pay cut, and then you'll have to work for some big ugly bitter middle-aged woman who tortures you to make her feel better about the fact that all she amounted to in life was a junior manager at a run-down little apothecary like this one." He paused for affect. "Although it is a pretty cute establishment."
"Fine," she caved in. "But only because you brought my salary into question. Nadia, watch the front."
I saluted. "Can do, bosses."
And so Margaret slumped off to the evil lair of the junior manager.
And she slumped back approximately thirty seconds later. "I can't believe you were sitting on it the entire time!" Margaret sounded pretty pissed.
"How was I supposed to know I was sitting on it?" Alexander argued, following her. "It's not like I look under my ass every time I lose something!"
"Well you should." She slid back behind the counter to join me in the tedious duties of the cashier. "You are a soul-sucking pock on the face of humanity."
"You sound like someone else I know," I told her.
"Yeah, well, good for you." She slumped forward against the counter. "Who wants to play cards?"
And so, until my shift ended at three, we played cards. And Margaret won every round.
As I walked home, I contemplated my new job; I mean, I know I tend to complain about it at times, but that's only because it's work, and let's face it, who really wants to go to work, even if they enjoy it? Anyway, I'm glad I found a place where I can work with fairly normal people (unlike Dad and Severus) and I think I'm actually getting to be friends with them. Making new friends is pretty nice. Too bad I'm so awful at "keeping the old."
I decided to write to the old gang, let them know what was up. Maybe yell at Ginny and Luna some more for doing my dad. Mostly Ginny, I think, since it was premeditated in her case.
I was sitting out on the front porch, putting the finishing touches on a letter to Colin, when the worst thing that had ever happened to me in my entire life... Happened.
Dad pulled up in front of the house.
In a fucking HOT PINK VESPA. That's right. I used caps.
"Fuck, no!" I exclaimed when I saw him.
"Her name is Sassy!" Dad replied.
I got up and went inside the house, locking the door behind me.
"What happened?" Severus called from the parlor.
"Don't look outside!" I replied. Of course, I knew that he would do the exact opposite of what I told him to, but I still tried to warn him. There was a short pause before I was proven right.
"ARGH!"
There were a few moments during which Dad stopped revving his pathetic motor before Severus came stomping back into the house and locked the door as many times as possible.
"Get the windows, too," I reminded him.
He practically flew to the windows.
"What's going on?" Uncle Kristo lumbered into the room with a beer in-hand and smelling like he just bathed in the stuff.
"Dad has a hot pink Vespa named Sassy, so we're taking measures to make sure that his evil does not penetrate the house," I informed him.
"Well, fuck me." And he belched.
"I think we should have thrown you out there before we started locking the doors and windows."
"Hey, I'm not drunk... Your mom's drunk." He finished off his bottle, then put it on the table next to the staircase and stuck some flowers in it.
"Where did you get flowers?"
"I was picking them in the back yard."
"My garden!!" Severus practically wailed, rushing out to the back of the house.
"It's times like these when I feel like the man of the house." I sighed, crossing my arms.
Uncle Kristo belched again.
"Alright, I guess you could be the man of the house," I conceded. "But then again, you shouldn't count because you're constantly drunk."
"Whatever, man, I'm gonna go piss somewhere..." Uncle Kristo ambled off to go... Well, piss somewhere, I guess.
Who cares, it's Severus' fucking house anyway. "Don't piss in my room!"
"Yeah, I'll piss in your room!" he called back from what sounded like the basement. "Oops!" And then he probably fell down the basement stairs; at least, that's what I surmised from the successive thudding.
Why did Mum and Dad let him watch me, ever, when I was a child? "You're drunk! Go sleep it off!"
"Whatever, MAN!"
"Nadiaaaaa!" Dad was whining from outside the house. "Why is the door locked?"
"Go fuck yourself, Dad!"
"I don't wanna!"
"Then why don't you go fuck my friends again!?" I kicked the door as hard as I could, then went to hole myself up in the study where I wouldn't be able to hear Dad's piteous wails or Uncle Kristo's drunkness or Severus' stupid whining about his flower garden. What the hell? What kind of grown man has a flower garden, anyway? "He cares more about his damn tulips than he does about me," I groused to my typewriter.
"Whatever, man!"
"Get out of the study, Uncle Kristo!" I threw an ink ribbon at his head and he retreated, grumbling something under his breath. "This is officially the worst day ever, and if I hear another word from ANYONE I'll kill them!"
For once, I was greeted by silence.
"Thank you." Now I know how Severus must have felt when I stabbed him in the ass with those scissors. Heh, talk about a pain in the ass... Literally! Wow, I love cheesy jokes like that.
I was getting pretty far in my writing when I heard Uncle Kristo shouting like he'd just been stabbed, so I irritably got up from my task, walked into the kitchen only to find that Dad had made it inside the house anyway, and witnessed... The Owl Post being delivered.
"It's alright," Dad was explaining to my drunken uncle, "they deliver mail."
Once the owls had sufficiently startled Uncle Kristo and flown out the window, I walked over to the pile and actually found a letter for me. It was from... RON WEASLEY!!! I hadn't talked to Ron in a LONG freaking time, so I knew that this letter must be about something pretty monumental. Ah, I still remember when I first met the hoard of Weasley children- my dad used to babysit them. It was so long ago!
"OH MY GOD!!" I yelled when I opened the letter; it was an invitation to Ron and Hermione Granger's engagement party, along with permission to bring one guest and a note from Ginny. She was coming back with Charlie for the party, and wanted me and the others to sleep over at the Burrow. "Hey Dad!"
"I got an invitation, too!" he squealed, jumping up an down.
I stared at him. "Dad, are you... Um... Gay?"
"What? No! Nooooo. I'm, um, dangerously straight!"
"...What the hell was that?"
"I saw it in a shampoo commercial."
"You are the gayest straight man ever." I slapped my invitation back down on the table. "This is great! Ooh, I'm bringing Severus, who are you bringing?"
"I'm thinking Draco," Dad replied, grinning deviously. "Nothing livens up a party full of Gryffindors like a few Slytherins, eh?"
"Not a single one of us are in school anymore, Dad," I sighed. "I can't believe so many people still keep the Hogwarts houses mentality their whole lives."
"Well excuuuuuuse me, Princess," Dad replied.
"I guess stirring up the party wouldn't be too bad, as long as you and Draco don't go overboard."
"You have my word!"
I snorted derisively. "And I'm sure you'll stick to it like glue."
Dad pouted. "You know, you don't have to be so sarcastic with me. I've missed you terribly, all alone in my apartment!"
Uncle Kristo belched.
"Dad... You live with Remus. And he's probably around all the time."
"I know," Dad sniffled, "but he's not my daughter."
"Thank God for that," Severus grumbled as he entered the room. "And why must everyone convene in my kitchen? This isn't a sanctuary for dolts, you know."
"You're right," Uncle Kristo replied, "I really should be drinking, instead." With that, he walked away.
"I want that man out of my house as soon as humanly possible," Severus growled at us.
"Not to worry," Dad replied calmly, "his birthday is in three days."
"Shit!" I exclaimed. "I need to buy a present!" It's a good thing Dad reminded me. I ran out of the house with barely another word and began patrolling the streets of Hogsmeade. Perfect gift, here I come!
--- ---
"Nathanyel, why are you here?" I watched his wretched offspring run out of my house with an acute sense of relief.
"Well, I just thought that, since we're planning on such a big caper-"
I interrupted him with a snort. "You had better be pulling your own weight."
"Oh, believe me, I am. I've spent the last year milking my many connections for all they're worth and developing some pretty nasty magic to get us through Gringotts. From you, I just need a few potions." He produced a list from seemingly nowhere.
"I believe I can manage this," I replied, tucking it away into my robes.
"Excellent. Let's go find Kristo and have some booze before he drinks it all!"
We found him in my study, drinking my brandy.
"Hey, Kristo, already started the party without us?" Nathanyel grabbed the bottle from him and started pouring out glasses.
"So," Kristo gave me a bit of a scrutinizing look as Nathanyel handed him his portion, raising his eyebrows. "Banging her like a tambourine, then, are you?"
"Oh, yes," Nathanyel answered for me. "All the time. They used to keep me up all night, back when I lived here." His tone was completely casual as he handed me some brandy.
"I see," Kristo answered. "Good show!" He gave me a punch on the arm that hurt much more than it was supposed to. "Lucky goat. All I've got to keep me company is a magazine and my hand." He sipped his brandy, then continued. "But, it goes with the priesthood and such. Too bad, really... I should convert and become a reverend, get myself some action." He leaned back, grinning. "Not that I'm a virgin, of course."
"Oh, Kristo, stop complaining," Nathanyel sighed playfully. "If you were really so eager to get laid you wouldn't have become a priest in the first place."
"Well, it builds up after a few years," he argued. "And what about you, eh?" he asked, turning to me. "Awfully quiet, aren't you?"
"Yes."
"Apparently not in bed, though."
"Apparently not," I answered stiffly.
"Oh, don't tell me you're one of those horny prudes?"
I sincerely wanted to splash my drink in his face, but resisted the urge with all my might. "No, I am not. I simply do not like Nathanyel, of all people, discussing my sex life with others."
"Understandable," he agreed, leaning back in his seat.
"Well, I'd better be off to work!" Nathanyel exclaimed, gulping down his liquor and running out of the room. "Toodle-oo!"
"I suppose I had better start dinner, then," I grumbled, heading for the kitchen. This really was not what I'd had in mind for my afternoon, but I suppose it's better than spending it having to put up with the shrew flitting constantly about.
Upon inspection of the kitchen, I found that it was, for once, stocked with all the supplies I needed. The dinner preparations were boring, uneventful, and other adjectives of that nature. However, when the beast walked in with her equally abhorrent father, along with Draco Malfoy, I wished that things could have remained quiet and uneventful.
"Uncle Kristo, DINNER!!" the skrewt shouted.
"How kind of you to join us, Draco," Nathanyel crooned, bouncing into the dining room and conjuring up place settings.
"What part of 'you no longer live here' don't you understand?" I shot after him.
"Remus is joining in as well!" he replied happily.
"Did someone say my name?" Lupin entered the kitchen, holding a bakery box. "I brought dessert, I would have felt like too much of a mooch if I hadn't."
"Well, I'd appreciate the gesture more if my house wasn't filled with morons," I replied sharply, bringing the food out to the dining room table.
Kristo was sitting at the head of the table, looking like he'd just shat out gold. "This looks just marvelous!" he exclaimed, digging in before it even touched the table.
"Everyone sit down!" the hag screeched, joining us at the table. "So how was your afternoon?"
"Horrific," I replied, taking solace in my dinner plate.
"I think I need a trim," Draco was saying to Lupin, "I've got so many split ends, I must look like this mess, over here." He pointed toward the harpy as he spoke.
"You say that," she replied through mouthfuls of food, "but I think everyone here knows which one of us has the bigger balls."
"That would be me," Kristo piped up. "Kristophoros Angelis, Ball Master!"
"Oh please," Nathanyel sighed merrily.
Of course I knew what his ulterior motive was for our huge dinner party. He'd brought Draco over to discuss our new venture, while Lupin would unwittingly act as a decoy to Kristo and the monster. Unfortunately, these plans didn't seem to work out quite so well, because after our meal the manticore enlisted Draco's help in cleaning up the kitchen.
"But I'm a Malfoy," he whined, "I have servants do this kind of thing!"
While the others were distracted, Nathanyel looking in my direction, wearing the expression he gets on his face when he wants to tell me something totally disgusting and inappropriate. "Severus," he began, but I walked out of the kitchen before he could start in. "Hey!"
I continued walking upstairs, heading for my room. Hopefully, I'd be able to lock him out.
"Severus, I need to talk to you!"
I slammed the door in his face, but he managed to push it open and squeeze through, anyway. "Fine!" I snapped. "What is it?"
He immediately adopted a sheepish look and sat down on my bed, swinging his feet back and forth. "I was bad."
Oh. Dear. God.
"Get out of my house," I ordered immediately.
"But I didn't tell you what I did yet!"
"I don't need to know!"
"I'm gonna tell you anyway," he replied with an indignant sniff. "I seduced Remus."
Thankfully, I managed not to vomit on the new carpeting. "Please don't tell me these things."
"Well, we didn't actually fuck, because... You know..." He blushed, AUGH. "I was shy."
"You are, and always will be, disgusting!"
"But we touched and stuff."
"Shut up!"
"And then we cuddled and slept together." And he sighed. Dreamily. Ew.
"You are the grossest, most nauseating creature on the face of this planet."
"Oh, come on, Severus, I didn't go into that much detail."
"I thought you wanted to talk about Gringotts, not your incredibly homosexual love life!"
"Well, I wanted to talk about both," he sighed, fiddling with the bed curtains. "Do you think it's really a good idea for me to be living with Remus?"
"Perhaps you should have asked for my opinion before moving in with the mangy sex fiend," I snapped. I wondered how well Lupin would fare against Nathanyel's antics this time around.
"Don't be such a sour Sally." Nathanyel bounced on my bed, looking thoughtful. "I think Uncle Laszlo's treatment worked, by the way."
"Good; the sooner you get back to normal, the better. Your insolent spawn is getting curious." Although, at least that meant that she was more inclined to bother Nathanyel than me.
"Don't you worry about a thing. Anyway, we'd best go get Draco if we're going to have a proper discussion." He skipped off, utterly oblivious to the suffering he causes me in my every day life.
--- ---
Dad had dragged Severus and Draco off for some sort of private discussion after dinner, which left me with a relatively sober Uncle Kristo and Remus to entertain. I had actually been hoping to spend a bit more time with Draco, but no such luck, I suppose.
"So, any progress with Nathanyel yet?" Remus asked, presumably referring to Dad's horrific and mysterious past.
"Nah," I sighed, jabbing a thumb in Uncle Kristo's direction. "This one was no help at all."
"Hey, I was some help!" he protested, huffing indignantly.
"Yeah, sure you were." I looked around the parlor, trying to think of something to do. "Ummm... Who wants to play gobstones?"
My life is so exciting.
- - -
I had work the next day, so I expounded my troubles with Dad upon Margaret. "I just need to get him alone for five minutes so that I can drill him properly," I sighed. "And not chicken out. You know, last time I tried to go snooping around in his past, he nearly killed me."
"Well, not that I condone any of this," Margaret replied casually, "but if you're so interested and you don't think he's going to want to tell you anything, why don't you just gather more evidence?"
"From whom?" I shot back.
"Oh, I dunno, maybe your dad's mysterious uncle who appeared out of nowhere, or your dad's cousin who's known him all his life, or maybe you could just go back to that house he grew up in. You know, the one that you have unrestricted access to?"
"Well it sounds simple when you put it that way," I grumbled.
"I know, doesn't it?" She tapped her fingers on the countertop, looking slightly irritated. "So... I wonder what the hell it is that Alexander is doing back there?"
"That is an excellent question," I replied as the bell to the front door rang, signaling an undoubtedly irritating customer's arrival. I straightened up, only to see Severus standing in front of me, looking extremely disgruntled. "Hello, Sexy Pleasure Slave. How may I help you?"
Severus growled at me, while Margaret merely raised her eyebrows.
"I have a large order of wolfsbane on reserve," he practically snarled at me. "I would like to retrieve it."
"Ah, but everything has its price," I replied, waggling my finger in his face.
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Before you can get past me, you must first answer these riddles three!" I cried gleefully in my best creepy old lady voice.
"Just give me my damned wolfsbane!"
"Here is the first riddle: what must be turned off to be used and turned on to be put away?"
"I want to see your manager!"
"Time is quickly running out," I informed him.
"What's going on out here?" Alexander emerged from his vampiric coffin, looking angry with me, as usual.
"This lunatic refuses to give me my wolfsbane!" Severus seethed.
"But he won't answer my riddles!" I protested.
Alexander glared at me. "Your riddles?" he repeated.
"Yes. Before he can get past me, he must first answer these riddles three. The first riddle-"
"Just give this man his wolfsbane! And stop scaring away the customers!"
"Relax," I replied, brushing his anger off like dust. "I wouldn't do this kind of thing to a regular customer."
"Professor Snape is a regular customer!"
"I didn't know you knew my lover," I marveled, satisfied at the shocked expression the statement brought to his face.
"What?"
"You didn't know? I live with Severus and we make mad passionate love all over the house. Then I come here for work." I winked at Severus. "Isn't that right, my Lovely Delicious Sparkle Whore?"
"I have no idea what this psychopath is talking about," Severus grumbled.
"I was thinking of making lamb for dinner, tonight."
"Lamb?" I could see the lustful gleam in his eye.
"With extra dark gravy."
"Never mind," he dismissed Alexander. "I have no formal complaints to issue."
"Un-beautiful people are so weird," Alexander muttered as he stalked away.
"So your wolfsbane is on reserve under Snape?"
"Yes."
"What was the date of the reserve?"
"I don't know. It was last Tuesday."
"You're a goat." I ventured into the back room to retrieve the wolfsbane, while Margaret calmly listened to the entire exchange. "I have returned! The order is twenty galleons, you rich bastard."
"Here." He dropped his entire moneybag on the counter.
"I have to count this first," I reminded him.
"Why do you need to count it?"
"Because you're illiterate and you don't know how to count."
"I most certainly do know how to read and count!"
"Whatever you say, honey." I counted out the money, then rung up his order. "Do you have a membership card?"
"Yes."
"You get ten percent off your next order. Congratulations."
"I'm thrilled."
"Now get the hell out of here, you dirty pedophile."
"I'll go buy the lamb." He rushed out of the apothecary like his ass was on fire, which I wouldn't be surprised by, seeing as it's so HOT.
"I can't believe you're doing Professor Snape," Margaret informed me, sounding disgusted. "You actually live with the man? And do him?"
"Of course!" I grinned wildly at her. "It's simply a dream come true!"
"He doesn't constantly yell and snipe at you, act like a grandma, and treat you like your opinion matters so little that you shouldn't even have vocal chords with which to voice them?" Wow, Margaret really knows how to analyze a situation, separate out all the bad things about it, and throw them back in your face, doesn't she?
"Well, yeah, but... He's... Sexy?" I can't really think of many good points about Severus that don't have to do with his rump or his sexiness.
Margaret made a face. "Whatever floats your boat, I guess."
"Hey, he can be nice... I think... Well, for him. Sometimes." I tried to think of some way to justify my wild, passionate love for Severus. "He's smart! And he gardens." I nodded vigorously.
"My, what a catch he must be," she droned monotonously.
I was getting a little annoyed by her negativity. You know, I think what Margaret really needs is to just get laid or get a date or something. "When's the last time you even had a date?"
"I can't be bothered to fecking remember," she groused. "Two years ago? Or a year an a half? Whatever."
I stared at her, dumbfounded. I'd never met someone who was so apathetic about her love life.
"Men are scum," she spat, when she caught sight of my expression. "If I never get another date in my life, it'll be too soon. You know what the last two guys I dated were like? Assholes. One called me fat and the other cheated on me. And you know who the last person I fancied was?"
I shook my head, surprised by her tirade.
"MY GAY ASS BENEFACTOR. You know, the guy who got me my gallery opening? Bastard."
"Um, but wouldn't that be considered a... Nice gesture?"
"He a dumbass," she growled. "And he likes to collect favors from people. You know, 'you rub my back and I'll rub yours?' Says I'll know what he wants from me when the time is right."
"Ouch," I replied.
"That short, empty-headed, blond piece of shit." She seemed to be winding down.
"You know," I commented, "that's quite the coincidence. My dad is a short, empty-headed blond piece of shit!"
She snorted, and I grinned, glad to have cheered her up a bit. "I'm sure he's not as bad as this guy."
"You never know." I was starting to get some ideas about restoring Margaret's faith in the male species. I waited a few minutes to let her get her mind of the wretchedness of man and change the subject, then I struck. "Hey, Margaret, you know what?" I said idly, masking my devious intent.
"What?" She was already looking suspicious.
"I think that I should set you up with a date for your gallery opening."
"NO." She glared at me like Severus does when I suggest he incorporates color into his wardrobe. "If you even think about setting me up with one of your pureblood, old as shit gay men then I'll lob your head off."
"Hey, not everyone I know is an old gay man!" I replied. "And not everyone I know is pureblood, either!"
"Yeah, yeah," she huffed. "I still refuse to allow you to set me up."
"I'm going to an engagement party soon, I'll be able to scout the crowd for someone suitable," I replied.
"Are you deaf?"
"Then it's settled! I won't let you down!"
"Ugh," she grumbled.
"What are you doing out here?" Alexander had wandered back onto the scene, unwittingly entering the fray.
"I'm trying to set Margaret up with a date for her gallery opening," I told him in my most cheerful tone.
"Ugh," Margaret repeated.
"Good luck," he scoffed, examining his fingernails. "Although, I'd be willing to step up as a last resort, if you're really that pathetic. My schedule is pretty busy, so I can't make any promises, but I suppose it could be my good deed of the week or something."
Margaret and I stared at him for a bit, obviously both thinking along the same lines.
"Hahaha, good one!" I exclaimed. "Yeah, like we'd ever consider you."
"Hey!" Alexander yanked his arms back down to his side, glaring at us. "I am a catch."
"Oh, come on, Nadia," Margaret sighed, grinning. "Maybe we should take him on as a last resort. You know, so as not to hurt his fragile little feelings."
"I see what you're getting at!" Alexander snapped; was he blushing? "I'm not to be included in the girl talk and all, right?" He was blushing. "I see how it is!" he huffed, heading back towards his junior manager nest. "No time for me now that you've got your girly pow-wows..."
"I didn't think he'd get so worked up over it," I admitted once he'd left. His reaction had been pretty suspicious, in my opinion, especially with that blush. I'd have to keep a closer eye on him.
"You know how vain the twit is," Margaret dismissed.
I sighed, shaking my head. Soon I will teach her the ways of love!
- - -
I got out of work a little late, and so was trying to hurry on my way home so I'd have enough time to cook dinner, but, unfortunately, my life is not that easy. I had decided to take the main street, which I usually avoid because of the crowds; however, it's the quickest way back to the house. Too bad that, you know, my father exists.
"Dad... Why are you wearing a dress?"
"Ginny and I are going to break up very publicly," he informed me, adjusting his skirt.
"Alright, people are starting to look," Ginny cut in, materializing from out of the crowd and shoving Dad a little.
"You hussy!" Dad suddenly shouted, pointing an accusing finger at her. "You never loved me for myself! You only wanted me for this!"
I covered my eyes just in time as Dad pulled the skirt of his dress up, exposing himself to the many people milling around.
"WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE ME RIGHT HERE AND COMPLETELY FULFILL MY SHAME!?"
"I can..." Ginny trailed off, glancing down at the palm of her hand. "...No longer see you... Like this... You are..." She paused, squinting. "A napalm? No! Appalling! You are appalling! I wish to throw you to the curb like hash- er- trash! I am... A shanty? No! I am ashamed to be seen with you!"
I had reopened my eyes by then, which meant that I was able to witness Ginny's horrible acting and Dad's... Disgustingness. I watched as Ginny whirled around dramatically and stormed off, while Dad ran in the opposite direction, sobbing loudly.
"This dress makes me look fat, doesn't it!?" he shouted hoarsely as he galloped off into the sunset.
I took that time to wonder why I had to be born into such a horrific family. Then I walked after Ginny, only to find her hitting on that guy who sells fruits one street over. "Shouldn't you be preparing for your thorny bush taming internship?"
"Nadia!" she exclaimed, pushing the fruit guy aside. "I thought you were working!"
"I witnessed the horrific display you and my dad put on," I grimaced.
"Yeah, my family was getting a bit stressed. Please tell me you're showing up to Ron's engagement party, though! I'm leaving the end of this week with Charlie for Romania and I want to see you, and Colin and Luna, too!"
"You can bet on it," I assured her. "And I'm bringing Severus, too!"
She groaned. "Oh, no. Ron'll flip."
"Not as much as he'll flip over my dad bringing Draco Malfoy."
"You're both a horrible pair of upstarts!" she sighed. "Well, at least it'll make the party interesting."
"Well, obviously. I've got to go make a lamb, now, though... So I'll see you later!"
"Right, bye!"
I decided to make my dinner especially delicious, so that I could placate Severus into agreeing to go to the party. And maybe I'd put out, too. Better get your raincoat on, Severus, because Hurricane Nadia's coming to town!
--- ---
It was an incredible relief when that wretched girl had left for work, although I knew I'd have to stop there for potions ingredients later in the day. First, though, I'd have to visit Nathanyel. After all, what we're planning isn't exactly improvised.
"Sev'rus, my man!" Kristo shouted, drunkenly stumbling into my personal quarters.
If he is not gone from my house by the end of the week I will destroy him, to put it lightly. "What the hell do you want from me, you drunken ape?"
"Let's hang out!" he insisted, an entire bottle of cheap vodka in his hand; I took note of its half-empty state.
"I would not 'hang out' with you if Albus Dumbledore himself requested it on his death bed!" I thought that my reply would make my feelings on the subject fairly clear, but apparently not.
"Aww, come on, Sev, loosen up!" He shook the bottle a bit, swishing the pungent stuff around and taking a swig. "There must be something fun that you like to do!"
I stood and thought for a moment. "Actually, there is. Why don't you come over to this window with me, and I'll show you."
"Sweet! What're we gonna- AUGH!"
Hey, he landed in the tree outside my window. It's not like I pushed the man a full two stories.
"Radical!" he exclaimed, drinking from the bottle he had miraculously held onto. He didn't seem injured, unfortunately.
After that, I made quick work of gathering my things and leaving the house.
"So long!" Kristo shouted, waving to me from the tree.
I ignored him and kept walking. Perhaps he could strike up a conversation with that freak on the pennyfarthing bicycle. By the time I made it to the apartment building, I had forgotten mostly about everything that was going wrong with my summer and instead focused entirely on my hope for the future. However, that was soon dashed as well.
I walked into the apartment and screamed. "ARGH!"
Nathanyel was having sex, IN THE KITCHEN, and I had been subjected to the horrors.
"Maybe you should knock next time!" Draco's voice followed me as I exited the apartment and slammed the door behind me.
"What happened?" That was Potter. EW.
After a short pause, Nathanyel swung the door open, looking slightly irate. "What is so damn important that you had to interrupt my very first threesome?"
"You asked me to come!" I huffed, feeling extremely queasy.
Nathanyel waggled his eyebrows, so I hit him.
"What the hell was all that, anyway?"
"Well, I've been trying to talk them into it for a while, but now that they both live here-"
"Wait. What?"
"Harry and Draco both conveniently lost their apartments at the same time, forcing them to seek refuge with the two most probable people- Remus and myself- and as a result they live here and were easily convinced to participate in the activities you just witnessed." He finished it off with a smack of his lips and a grin.
"You are horrible," I replied.
"What?"
"You went behind their backs and made them lose their apartments just because you wanted a threesome," I clarified.
"You make it sound like I was the one who kicked them out!" He sounded slightly hurt, but I knew he was faking it. "I mean, I only encouraged young Ronald to propose to the woman he loved, and you know, ask her to move in with him. I mean, if Harry had to leave to make room for Miss Granger, what is that compared to true love?"
I rolled my eyes.
"And Draco was already four months behind on his rent. It didn't really take much effort."
"You are the worst person on the face of the planet."
"Maybe, but I was invited to the engagement party. Well, more like we were invited."
I immediately grimaced. "Why me?"
"Well, Nadia's invited, actually- but she needs a date, you know." He grinned and elbowed me a couple of times.
"Ew. Don't touch me. And you know what else? I wouldn't go on another outing with your atrocity of a daughter if you paid me."
"I think that would really depend on how much I offered, don't you?"
"Stop trying to whore your daughter out to me!"
"Oh, just shut up and come inside already," he sighed, stepping back into his little bungalow of horrors.
Luckily enough, Potter and Draco had gotten dressed by the time I re-entered Nathanyel's disgusting gay home. "Well, what are you two looking at?" I snapped.
Draco shrugged. "Just thought it would have been polite to knock."
I scowled back at him, while Potter shook his head. "And what are you doing here, anyway, Potter? Don't you have your dead Godfather's house to go back to?"
"It's not exactly in working order," Potter replied defensively; he was probably thinking about taking his wand out, the pathetic leech on society.
"That's enough of that," Nathanyel cut in. "Harry, don't you have some great surprise for Ronald that you were going to plan out with Remus at about this time, hm?"
"Huh? Oh, yeah." Glaring at me the entire way, Potter left the apartment.
"Thank you, Nathanyel." I think that was the first time I'd had any reason to use that phrase for quite a while.
"Don't thank me now," he replied, throwing an arm around Draco's shoulders and grinning menacingly. "Thank me when we're all fifty-thousand galleons richer."
--- ---
"Uncle Kristo, what kind of cake do you want for your birthday?"
Uncle Kristo looked up at me from the thick tome he was studying, his brow furrowed. "Wow, it's my birthday, already?"
"Of course it is!" I crossed my arms, giving him a very stern glare. "You've been drinking far too much for your own good."
"Oh, pfft," he dismissed, waving it off. "You know, your boyfriend's study is an excellent place to... Um... Well, study." He weakly indicated the book he'd been reading.
"Right. Well, what kind of cake should I bake for you for tonight?"
"Rum cake!" he exclaimed, smacking his lips.
"You're a horrible lush," I grumbled.
"That's no way to treat the birthday boy!"
"You only know it's your birthday because I told you about it!" I stomped off to start on Uncle Kristo's birthday cake. After all, it's still his birthday.
"Helloooooo dears!" Dad shouted, bursting into the kitchen and placing a large manilla envelope onto the table.
"What's that?" I asked, eyeing it as I cracked some eggs into a bowl.
"It's Uncle Kristo's birthday present," he replied. "Which is so much better than yours."
"Put it in the parlor, you harlot, I've got dinner to cook and a cake to bake and I don't need you leaving crap all over the place for me to try to work around."
"Sheesh, fine. I can take a hint." Dad snatched the envelope from the table and skulked off. "Happy Birthday, Kristo!" I heard him exclaiming a minute later.
"Mark my words," Severus growled as he descended the staircase and glared at me through the kitchen entrance. "Your uncle will be gone from this house the moment dessert is over!"
"Well, good morning to you, too, sleepyhead," I replied.
"I want an early dinner today!" he insisted, obviously dying to kick Uncle Kristo out. "Four o' clock! Do you understand?"
"Yeah, yeah, go get dressed."
Uncle Kristo walked in as Severus was leaving, for some reason in a state that was quite the opposite of what I had just indicated.
"Uncle Kristo... Get some clothes on."
"These are clothes," he yawned, indicating his shorts.
"No, they are not. Nobody wants to see your badass religious tattoos, and nobody wants to see your hairy Greek body. In fact, I don't even want to know why you took the clothing you were wearing off. Now, get upstairs and put on some clothing."
"You don't even want to see the cross on my back?"
"No!"
"Alright..."
I spent most of the day cooking and doing some magical decorating for the occasion, and baking that infernal rum cake that Uncle Kristo was so set on. Now I can finally appreciate what Mum goes through for him, the bastid. Of course, I couldn't manage to get a single minute alone with Dad- every time I tried he would suddenly think of something he forgot to do or drag someone else into the conversation. Then, everyone practically swallowed dinner whole without a single thank you tossed my way. I, of course, forced them to clean up at wand-point. After all, I'm not that tolerant. Then we all retired to the parlor for some present opening!
"Happy birthday! Woohoo!" We opened up some poppers and Dad shot fireworks out of his wand.
"Oh, how nice," Uncle Kristo exclaimed. "Where's the cake?"
"In the kitchen," Severus growled.
"Excellent!" He made a beeline for the kitchen, but I grabbed him and pulled him back.
"No," I insisted, "presents before cake. That's the tradition." I dragged him back to the sofa and we all sat down around the small heap of presents on the coffee table. He pulled a box towards him, looking at the attached card.
"Read it aloud," Dad suggested.
"Alright... 'Drink it.' Hmm." He opened the box and pulled out a bottle of whiskey. "Ah, I get it! Thanks, Sev. You're the best!"
"Of course," Severus grumbled. He seemed to like the books I'd gotten him, as well, though he was already getting a lot more use out of the whiskey.
"Dad?" He'd refused to reveal his gift to anyone, and I couldn't see anything on the table that was marked as from him.
"I'll go last," Dad muttered. My excitement mounted, and, as soon as Uncle Kristo had finished opening the presents mailed from my grandparents and a few aunts and uncles, I immediately turned my attention back to Dad. "Alright, alright," he sighed, taking his sweet time. Then, he merely reached into his pocket, pulled out the manilla envelope, and handed it to Uncle Kristo. "Happy birthday." Blinking slightly, he slowly opened it and pulled out a piece of parchment, his eyebrows flying up to his hairline.
"Nathanyel... You bought me a house?" My mouth dropped open; Severus didn't look at all surprised.
"Mausoleum turned cathedral turned house, actually. I thought you'd like it. The grounds are gigantic- plenty of room to stumble about drunk."
"Magical, I gather?"
"Oh, yes, very much so."
"...You're helping me out with this, right?"
"Of course! That's half the fun!"
"Well, this visit from you has been simply lovely," Severus started saying very quickly. "Why don't we all go look at this new house? Grab the luggage while you're at it."
Wow, that was subtle.
"Cake first," I snapped. I ran into the kitchen, lit up the candles on the cake, and brought it back out. We all sang, yadda yadda, Uncle Kristo farted, the usual.
Then, Dad escorted Uncle Kristo to his new home while Severus and I opted to stay behind. After a huge bear hug, a couple of cheek kisses, and a whole lot of nagging from my end, Dad finally managed to get Uncle Kristo out the door. I sighed as I watched them go, then turned back to Severus.
"Our house is barren and devoid of life once again," I informed him.
He raised an eyebrow. "Our house, you say?"
"Oh, you know we're practically married, anyway," I replied lightly, already planning out my seduction technique for the night.
Severus clenched his jaw, that tick of his going off at me. "You think?" he gritted out.
"Uhm..." I was getting a little worried by how pissed off he seemed at my statements of the obvious. "Well, we certainly fight like a married couple." I chuckled, trying to lighten the mood, but I couldn't keep my laughter from fading at Severus' continued anger. "I don't mean anything by it," I added.
"Of course," he snapped. "Of course you don't, you twittering idiot!" With that, he stormed upstairs.
Okay... Weird...
I supposed that the outburst meant that I would be sleeping alone, again, so I just slunk off to the study to write some hot gay sex scenes. Seeing as I certainly wasn't getting any. How can you have a physical relationship when your fella is too much of a fickle bitch to put out most of the time? I decided to vent my frustrations by mirroring the situation in my story. Except, you know, with two men.
As I wrote, I wondered why Severus had gotten so upset. I suppose it started with the "our house" comment, but honestly, what does he expect from me? I live here, too! And I was just joking with the whole married comment... But he never did have much of a sense of humor, at least not when it came to me. I just don't get why he always has a huge stick shoved up his ass. It's not like I actually proposed.
I stared down at the paper sticking out of my typewriter; I had probably been stuck on the same paragraph for half an hour, already. I opened the drawers to the desk, looking for a thesaurus, when I heard footsteps. I tried to ignore the sound, you know, act totally nonchalant, but I couldn't help but glance over at the entrance to the study. And keep glancing. As I watched the doorway from the corner of my eye, Severus discreetly stuck his head into the room, caught sight of me rummaging through his desk, then disappeared with an indignant huff.
I rolled my eyes. Honestly, the man could be quite immature at times.
"Ahem." He stepped through the doorway, revealing himself at last. What a surprise. "What are you doing to my desk?"
I spared him an exasperated look, continuing with my search for the thesaurus. "I'm looking for something."
"You do not have to turn my desk into a ruined mess to find it," he sniped at me, crossing his arms and tucking his hands into his robes like he does while scolding a student.
"You do not have to distract me while I'm trying to find something," I retorted.
"You wouldn't have to go rifling through my belongings if you kept your disgusting hobbies to yourself," he spat back.
"You wouldn't have to nag me about rearranging your belongings if you kept them passably organized in the first place," I grunted, dragging open the bottom drawer of the desk and immersing my arms in it.
"You wouldn't have to go searching through my entire desk if you would just tell me what you were looking for," he countered.
"I would have asked you if you hadn't gotten angry at me for no reason," I finally snapped.
He let his arms fall to his sides, looking at me like I was the one who had started the whole fight.
"It's a thesaurus!" I shouted, caving in. "A thesaurus!"
Severus actually had the poor grace to roll his eyes at me, then approached. "Well it's not in that drawer."
I sat back in my seat, sulking like the sore loser I am.
Severus came to a stop just inches away from me and, establishing eye contact with me and not even daring to blink, he reached up to the shelf that was bolted into the wall over the desk and in mere moments produced a brand-new thesaurus.
I freaking hate it when he gets all smug like that! Even though I like it when he's all up in my grill!
"Look at that," he hissed, presenting the thesaurus to me. "It's a thesaurus."
I couldn't help it; I mean, after all that and he just- UGH. So, I did what any reasonable person in my situation would do: I slapped the thesaurus out of his hand and lunged at him.
"Oof!" was all Severus managed to get out before I kissed him as ferociously as possible. He seemed rather taken off-guard, actually. Really, after all that infuriating flirting, he didn't expect me to respond? I know, an argument like that wouldn't come across as flirtatious to a normal human being, but it's as close as Severus ever gets, and I wasn't about to pass up that kind of offer.
I pulled away from Severus, panting, looked him straight in the eye, and said, "Your clothes. Give them to me. Now." I think I did a passable Schwarzenegger impression.
"You. Are. Insane," he grunted as he attempted to strip with me on top of him; I wasn't about to make it easy for him.
"You don't seem to be getting into it very well," I criticized, pulling my shirt off.
"You're sitting on me," he shot back. "Your pelvic bone is digging into me. It isn't comfortable." He finally managed to get his outer robes off and started undoing his belt.
"Well if you wanted to be top, all you had to do was say so," I huffed, sliding off of him. "You know, you could even be the dominant one this time, if you want." I rolled on my back and looked sideways at him.
He looked much more interested. "Oh really?"
"Ya, really," I replied.
I should really play the submissive part more often; Severus was so... Enthusiastic! And more than one time, no less! Well, that was certainly my workout for the evening.
- - -
I awoke the next morning with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. I really shouldn't criticize Severus for starting so many fights with me, because making up is totally worth it. And we actually slept in the same bed for the first time in forever. He was gone in the morning, though, and when I went downstairs I found a note on the icebox saying that he was going to the Ministry and that if I tried to bring up Ron's engagement party he'd lance me through the heart. Well, that sounded encouraging. Not like it would have stopped me, anyway.
I got ready for my day, which was blissfully work-free; I just had to pick up my paycheck, and then get out of there. I decided to visit Dad after procuring my paycheck, see what he was up to, maybe get a chance to drill him about his mysterious past.
However, I got a little held up upon my arrival at the apothecary. Margaret was standing at the front register, looking as bored as usual, while Alexander was restocking a shelf and talking at her.
"...And I think I'll put up some more lighting around the perimeter of the shop, and definitely give the wall a new paint job, maybe even retile the floor!"
Margaret yawned.
"Hey! Are you listening to me?"
"What are you even talking about?" I asked as I approached them.
"Alexander won't shut up about what he's going to do with the apothecary 'when it's his.'" Margaret snorted, shaking her head.
"Well, it will."
"What makes you so sure?" I asked him.
"My grandmother owns it!" he exclaimed, jamming his hand into the back of the shelf. "Shit!"
"What is it?" Margaret raised her eyebrows, tapping her fingers on the countertop.
"I broke a nail!" Alexander cried. "This is awful!"
"You can't possibly be serious."
"Of course I'm serious, you dolt!"
"Excuse me," I interjected. "I hate to interrupt your marvelous bitch fit, but I just want to get my paycheck."
"Nadia! Watch the desk for me!"
"...What?"
"You're Junior Manager until I get my nail file! I can't stand to be unbeautiful for another second!" He threw his apron and his name tag at me, then bolted out of the apothecary.
"I'd better get paid overtime for this," I grumbled as I put the apron on. "Why am I even doing this?" I asked Margaret. "You have more experience."
"But I'm listed for register for today," she replied. "We can't go against what the records say."
"That's stupid."
"Yeah."
"Alexander is even more stupid."
"At least he's nice to look at," Margaret pointed out. "At my old job I never had any eye candy to look at. This is a refreshing change."
"I guess," I sighed. "I suppose I've become rather used to eye candy, since I live with the sexiest man on the face of the planet."
"Don't let Alexander hear you speaking such blasphemy out loud."
"What does he do when he isn't here? Make himself up or something?" I could just imagine Alexander spending hours upon hours in front of a mirror, fussing over himself.
"From what I hear, he volunteers at the local primary school and gives to the poor and stuff like that."
"...Huh?"
"Yeah. My thoughts exactly."
"You- you're joking, right?"
"Nope. Apparently he's really good with kids, or some such bollocks." She checked her nails, then pulled a file out of her pocket and started working on one. "And a family man, to boot."
"Wait- you already had a nail file?" I stared at her in disbelief.
"He never asked me about it." Margaret really likes to torture people, doesn't she?
"Right... So... Alexander's got a family?" I was pretty astounded to find out that Alexander had actually come from a couple instead of congealing from a swamp full of nuclear waste as I had long suspected.
"Yup. Two parents, both magical, a little sister named Cecilia who he'll talk your ear off about if you so much as mention a related subject- so don't- and an older brother he seems to hate for unknown reasons."
"Oh." This was certainly news. "How do you know all this?"
"Well, before you got hired it was just the two of us and the old manager- who's useless, anyway, and never shows her face around here- so we always got stuck doing inventory together all night."
"Steamy."
"Um. No."
"So you know all the intimate details of Alexander's life and he knows all about yours?"
"No." She blew some gross nail dust off of her file. "I'm a very secretive person, you know."
"Yeah, I'm aware."
"I don't go about parading my personal life like you do."
"Hey!"
"Of course, I also don't go around being a huge slut like you do."
"Since when am I a slut?"
Margaret just shrugged.
I swear, sometimes she can be such a pain in the ass. "Seriously, how am I a slut?"
"Oh, you know..." Her tone was still casual. "The whole Snape thing."
"'The whole Snape thing?'" I repeated.
She just nodded. "Yup."
"I'll have you know that I am with Severus because I love him, and for no other reason. Got that? LOVE. Lovelovelovelovelove!"
"Okay," she agreed placidly, in the way she does that means she doesn't even care about your side of an argument. How does she do that? It's so infuriating!
"You're a cold-hearted bitch," I grumbled, crossing my arms.
"Am I, now?" She sounded pleased.
"I'm back!" Alexander announced, prancing back into the shop, stopping dead when he saw Margaret filing her nails. "You've had a nail file this whole time?"
"You never asked me for it," she replied coolly, polishing her filed nails on her apron. Speaking of which...
"Here." I whipped the apron off myself and handed it to Alexander. "All I need is my paycheck, then I really have to go."
"Fine, fine," Alexander grumbled, at long last retrieving my paycheck for me.
After that whole mess, I skipped off on my merry way to pay a visit to Dad and Remus' apartment. When I knocked on the door there was a muffle reply that sounded vaguely like "Come in!" So I did. I walked into the apartment to find Draco and Dad fighting like bitches at the kitchen table. Well, it was more like Draco trying to shove a glob of hair gel onto Dad's head and him resisting violently.
"What the fuck?" I voiced out loud, causing the two of them to cease their idiotic activity and look at me.
"Oh, hi," Draco greeted.
"Hullo," Dad did the same.
"What's going on?" I asked, not sure if I wanted to hear the answer.
"Well," Dad began, finally managing to shove Draco off of him, "I was complaining to Draco that I wanted to get rid of the cowlick in my hair for the big party tomorrow, and he attacked me with hair product."
"This gel has an extra strong hold!" Draco protested, waving the stuff around. "I used to use it all the time!"
"Yeah, and you looked like your hair was plastered on," I pointed out.
"Well... That's an unfortunate side effect. Better than that stupid cowlick, though!"
I raised my eyebrows. Dad's cowlick was sort of like... His signature look, I guess. It was just always there, sitting on the back of his head. "Well, the Page cowlick is the reason I don't cut my hair short," I said slowly, trying to sound like I sympathized with Draco's side of the story.
"It's not the Pages who have cowlicks," Dad informed me.
"Duh!" Draco added, pointing to the back of his head.
When I looked more closely, I saw that he did indeed have a small cowlick back there.
"I usually cut it off," he informed me. "Anyway, why do you think all the Malfoys usually grow their hair out? Nobody takes you seriously with that ridiculous thing on the back of your head!"
"I think you should grow it out more," I told Draco. "It looks good on you. It adds a certain care-free charm."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Embrace the legacy of the Malfoy family's difficult-to-manage tresses!"
"You know, sometimes I forget how utterly asinine you are, and then you go and remind me."
"Oh, you're such a bitch," Dad cut in, pushing him. "So what about me? Is my cowlick charming?"
"No, it's just stupid on you," I replied.
"Oh." He pouted.
"Better than that crusty hair gel."
"Hey!" Draco protested.
"Don't worry about it, Dad. You can just... I don't know... Act all charming and stuff."
"Okay!" Dad replied brightly, skipping off. "I'm gonna go alphabetize my porn now!"
I turned to Draco, sharing a grimace with him. "Don't you just love these family moments we have together?"
"They're touching," he grumbled.
"What family moments?" Harry Potter asked as he came walking out of the hallway.
I stared at him.
"What?" He looked down at his ill-fitting muggle clothes, confused.
"Where the hell did you come from?" I asked, trying not to sound too rude.
"Um..." He motioned to the entire apartment in general. "Here."
"What?"
"I live here. So does Malfoy."
"What?"
"I didn't mention it?" Draco commented blithely. "Yep, we've been taking refuge here until we each find new places. I was evicted and... Well, we all know why Potter can't keep on living with that Weasley buffoon."
"Wait, so all four of you are crammed into this apartment?" I was kind of jealous, actually... As much as I complain at the time, I like having the house full of people, even if they are all my idiot friends and relatives.
"Yes," Harry replied, opening the ice box.
"Don't you dare try to drink the milk out of the carton again!" Draco snapped girlishly.
Harry snorted, then drank milk from the carton. Eeeewwww.
"Great, now we have to get new milk." He glared at Harry, crossing his arms and scowling.
"Way to flirt, guys," I commented. I sat down at the table with them, glancing around at the apartment. "Where's Remus, anyway?"
"Oh, off being gay somewhere, I suspect," Dad replied casually.
"Ah." It didn't look like I was going to be getting Dad alone any time soon. So, I decided to just relax and enjoy myself. I mean, when else am I going to have time to just sit around and hang out?
...Right, never mind.
Still, it was a fun day and tomorrow's going to be even better! I hope.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Chapter nine is OVAAAAAHHH!!!!! YES! IT IS DONE! Next chapter: The engagement party, Nadia snoops some more, and some gayness.
w00t! See you then!
