Seth continued to sleep soundly and so I got up at around 5pm to make myself a drink, leaving him peacefully upstairs.

I fed Chester and he trotted outside immediately afterwards and sat in the garden watching some birds. It was an unusually grey day for Los Angeles. The permanent sunshine, merely a myth today, as it looked like it might rain instead.

I felt tension in my throat and tried to breathe deeply and relax as the doctor instructed but I felt so on edge.

I made some tea and toast and sat down at the table. Half way through heard the gate buzzer go off and so made my way to the screen by the front door to see who was waiting there. I knew before I even heard on the intercom that it was Amy in the waiting car.

'Amy, Hi. I'm letting you in' I said into the speaker. I saw her wave in acknowledgement on the screen and as the gates began to move, her car slowly crept forward to enter the driveway.

I opened the front door as she parked in front of the house and got out.

'Amy… I didn't know you were coming…'

'Oh sweetie, sorry, I am here unannounced…. I just wanted to check everything was alright.' She had reached me at the door now and stood forward to embrace me. 'Come here my darling' She said and pulled an arm around my shoulders. I let her hug me but felt slightly odd that she had turned up at all, never mind in the aftermath of the events of the last few hours.

'Where's Seth?' She asked immediately as I stepped aside for her to enter the house.

'Seth's sleeping…' I said in a hushed voice. 'He had a rough night and he's kind of passed out now… I don't want to wake him… he needs to sleep. You don't mind do you?'

'Oh poor darling… not at all.'

'Tea?' I asked as we walked through to the kitchen area where my toast had gone cold.

'I'd love one thanks' She replied, equally hushed but brighter than my tone. Like she were addressing a kindergarten class.

'Don't let me interrupt your toast though… I know you have to keep your strength up' she winked.

'No, it's fine… I'm not too hungry anyway. Morning sickness is back'

'Oh I see' she rolled her eyes.

I set about making more tea for her.

'So what brings you here?' I asked not looking up – realising it might have been rather direct, but not really caring about subtleties of politeness after the day I had.

'Well to be honest sweetie, I talked to Seth late last night and after the way he sounded I kind of thought he might need to talk again…'

'He mentioned he'd spoken to you' I said neutrally.

'Everything's… ok... between you then?' She asked tentatively.

'We're fine' I replied equally neutrally. I returned to the table and placed the cup of tea down in front of her.

'Thanks' she replied eyeing me carefully. I did not make eye contact with her.

'Need to talk about anything sweetie?' she asked with deliberate irony.

I sighed. 'Seth told you about the calls to Peter?' I asked, finally making eye contact.

'Yes he did'.

'So now we know it's public about my pregnancy… which we didn't want at all' I said flatly.

'Yes' she replied. 'Must be pretty unsettling for you… what with people knowing especially after that bad story about you last week…' her eyes were wide and she maintained a confiding tone which sounded forced so I was not entirely comfortable with it.

'It's not that exactly Amy… it's not ideal that people know about it – it's private after all… it's just… it's stressing Seth out because he feels like someone is trying to stir him up deliberately by talking about him when it's obviously something he hates … you know how much he likes to maintain his privacy…? He's really freaked out because he doesn't know where this information is coming from and it must be someone close to him or else how would they know'.

'Poor Seth… he was sounding wretched last night on the phone… did he, talk to you about it?' She asked tentatively.

'Not exactly' I confessed. 'We kind of fell out a bit'

'Oh honey – no!' She gushed, reaching for my arm.

'Why is that – it's not like Seth, he's so sweet to you… what got into him?'

I shook my head and took a sip of tepid tea, holding back a shudder, as it was revolting to me now.

'It's sorted now.' I summarised 'He just got it into his head that he couldn't trust anybody and for a moment it included me' I said quietly. 'He was devastated that he upset me.'

'OH Sarah! I'm so sorry this happened… you must feel awful… how stressful for you. Sometimes Sethy gets into this spiral of thinking and he gets carried away with it… he just needs someone else to take control and show him what he really wants.'

I stared at her for a moment, not recognising her summary of Seth's character, as I knew him. I bristled slightly with discomfort. I hated her calling him 'Sethy' too - it irritated me. It wasn't said in the same way as Matt, where it was used more as a joke. The way Amy used it, it seemed patronizing and in some ways dominant; a way of belittling him in a subtle sort of way and I hated that.

'So are you ok now… I mean, him getting stressed must affect you… it's probably bad for the baby isn't it?' she asked.

'Yes… but I've had a check up today and everything's fine. I just have to monitor some cramps I've been getting. He said it's probably just from the sickness.'

'Ah.' She replied raising her eyebrows.

'By the way Amy' I chipped up brightly, trying to change the mood, 'Thank you so much for the gift you sent' I smiled broadly, trying to be enthusiastic, because it was a lovely gesture after all.

'That's our pleasure Sarah… we're so happy for you… it's a shock, of course' she added rather awkwardly, 'but you know, we just wanted you both to understand we're there for you'

'That's kind' I replied.

She sighed.

'When I found out I couldn't have kids it was a horrible time…' she began wistfully. 'I thought I'd never get over the shock, especially after losing a child just before'

I listened intently. She was delivering information as if I knew it already but this was news to me. I let her continue, as she seemed to have gone into her own world.

'I think it's hard on Steve, he wants kids so badly and now I can't give him that. I couldn't talk to him about it at the time, too painful, too close. Seth was wonderful… he was such a good listener back then, so generous with his time….' She stared out into the garden. 'He's a wonderful man, you're so lucky…' She stopped and seemed to flick modes after realising she had let herself drift into something she was not entirely comfortable with.

'Anyway' she continued brightly 'I saw that gift and I just had to get it for you… people always give to the baby and but everyone forgets about what the mommy is going through.' She smiled weakly.

'Well thanks' I said again. 'Seth is going to do the massage thing on my belly… he's so excited, he really can't wait for the baby.'

I watched her face as I said it. I wasn't sure why, but somehow I felt as though I needed to assert to her that things were fine between Seth and I, and I noted that she didn't smile back as she replied. 'Of course. He would make such a wonderful father'

'Yes, he will do' I replied.

'So how's your music going?' Amy asked after a pause. 'Plans have probably changed now you're expecting haven't they?'

'Oh, well a little delay, but Seth still wants me to continue with the idea of having a career in music… He's really been encouraging me. I'm practicing a lot, and for the time being, there's nothing to stop me recording material. It's just the performing and publicity that we're trying to work out. Ron and Seth have been so enthusiastic about my singing though' I said proudly, 'They're so supportive too. They're just not sure how to market me yet…'

'Oh really?' she asked with widened eyes.

'I wanted a singing career once' she said wistfully, 'I guess I didn't have that special something… plus of course, my boyfriend wasn't Seth MacFarlane' she laughed heartily. I bristled with annoyance.

'Well, I'm pleased for you' she summarised. 'Good for you: finding that lucky break…. Hey perhaps I can baby-sit when this little one is born so you can go perform on stage!'

'Maybe you could…' I replied thoughtfully, going along with her for the sake of it…

'You really are a lucky girl Sarah… landed on your feet haven't you?' She said suddenly.

'Er, well you could say that… it wasn't planned though' I said cautiously.

I just met a man and fell in love… all the rest is incidental'.

'Oh now come on! You met a millionaire celebrity and now you have a new career, you live in LA and you're having his child, I'd say that's pretty much jackpot!' She sounded slightly aggressive and I wondered what she was trying to achieve.

This whole visit from her had a very strange sense about it and I couldn't put my finger on what exactly it was about her. She was different to the times I talked to her before. Now it felt as if she had two voices coming from one mouth. One was the cheerful friendly long-term friend of Seth's, the other was someone slightly cynical and prying, mildly sarcastic, perhaps. I wondered if it was my perception. Perhaps I was feeling sensitive emotionally due to the turmoil of earlier, or perhaps it was my hormones making me feel delicate.

'So do let me know if there's anything I can do for you' Amy said lightly as she made her way out a short time later.

'Thanks, we will' I replied and waved her off feeling strangely confused inside and rather more cautious of her.

I went upstairs to check on Seth, taking him a cup of tea, just in case he was thirsty. I felt like I missed him.

He was still sleeping soundly when I entered the room. Exactly in the position I left him in, laying on his front.

I climbed up beside him and lay down with my face close to his ear, putting my arm across his shoulders. He didn't move, but sighed deeply.

'Baby, do you want a drink?' I whispered gently in his ear.

He sighed again and moaned a little. I stroked his hair to wake him; he was so drowsy. I kissed his cheek and it was warm and flushed slightly pink.

His eyes eventually flickered open.

'Uh… so tired… how long was I out for?' he groaned beginning to stir and stretch.

'A few hours… I brought you tea' I said softly.

'Thank you'

He gathered himself for a bit, then hauled himself up to sit on the bed, I piled up the pillows and we both sat back against them.

'How're you doing?' he asked leaning to kiss my head. 'Have you been resting?'

'Yes. Better now, I had some toast'

'That's good. What else have you been up to?'

'Not much, fed Ches, had tea… then Amy turned up.'

He frowned.

'Really?'

'Yeah, she just turned up on the doorstep… said she was checking we were ok.'

'Oh. That's a bit odd.'

I agreed.

'She was a bit strange actually…' I said turning to him.

'I can't explain, just… different to normal.'

'Oh she's just like that sometimes I guess… a bit 'flighty' as my Mom would say.' He shrugged unconvincingly.

'Hmm.'

He reached over for his cup and took a couple of sips of his tea.

'Ah I needed that.' He sighed.

'How's your belly? Still sore?'

'Not so much now' I pressed it with the flat of my hand.

'I'm glad. You scare me when you're sick'

'I know… you're a really good nurse though' I smiled.

He smiled too, then reached for my face to kiss me softly on the lips. 'I love you, you know' he said quietly. I nodded. 'And you're beautiful' he grinned and touched my nose with his forefinger. I kissed him. 'Ditto' I replied. He batted his eyelashes at me camply, 'OK handsome then!' I laughed.

He drew me into his arms then and held me. I rested my head against his shoulder and pressed my face against his warm neck.

For a few days, things returned to how they were at home. We put that day behind us and I really did feel confident again with Seth. I avoided Peter, not wanting to have to confront the person, who triggered doubt in Seth's mind, I still felt angry about that but Seth managed to make sense of things, seeming calmer and cheerier again.

He had an interview on a talk show booked to publicise his upcoming album release and he had it in mind to use the situation to set the record straight about what was going on in his personal life. Peter agreed to plan carefully how Seth would talk about us on the show in order to re-gain control and ownership of the situation so that the leaks to the gossip columns no longer held the same level of power. As I had suggested not long before this all happened, if people were allowed to know about our relationship the gossip would lessen as the facts would speak for themselves.

The day of the broadcast, Seth stayed home to rest and relax before turning up for the studio recording in the early evening.

We were still sitting relaxing in bed at around 9.30am when I felt the baby moving again.

'Ooo – there it goes again' I murmured to Seth who was sitting beside me reading the news on his ipad.

'The baby moving?' He asked glancing over and giving me a little smile.

I nodded. I now had the tiniest little bump in my belly which was showing, I said it looked like I had been eating all the pies, Seth had declared it 'cute' and said he loved it.

I lay back and looked at my tummy to see if anything could be visible on the outside when I felt the fluttering within me, but of course there was nothing. With the baby still only being the size of a coin, it was unlikely to show external movement for a few months.

'Seth put the ipad down on the nightstand and took off his glasses. Then he shifted over until his face was just above my tummy. He turned his head to look up at me.

'Do you think it can hear me in there?' he asked scrunching up his nose and then smiling.

'Um.., maybe? I don't know'. I smiled and touched his hair.

He looked down again at my tummy and gently eased up the material of my vest top to reveal the skin.

'There's a pulse in your tummy' he said watching the regular twitch in line with my heartbeat.

'I know, I always noticed that' I replied 'I don't know why it's so obvious on me... yours doesn't have it.'

'I guess some day soon if I put my face here, I'm gonna get a kick in the mouth' he laughed.

I nodded and grinned.

He leaned forward and softly touched his lips against my skin. I smiled fondly as he did so. He was so sweet and so loving; his sensitivity was touching. I felt at times as though I needed to protect him from harm, he seemed so open that it made him vulnerable. He pressed his cheek softly against my skin after he kissed it and I ran my hand through his hair. He looked at me and smiled.

'I love being like this…' He said softly, 'Nothing ever made me feel this way before… I could lay like this forever and be happy…. With you.'

'I love it when you kiss my tummy' I said. 'No one has ever made me feel the way you do either… I feel so much just looking at you.'

He smiled at my words contentedly and somehow I knew this was a fresh set of feelings for him.

'You know… it sounds weird to say this, but I feel as though I love the baby already' I said quietly. 'I know it's still so tiny but I think it's because I know it is ours… half you and half me. Knowing I have your baby in here makes me feel so warm and so happy… and when you kiss me there it makes me feel really important… and like I'm doing something special for you which I really, really want to do… to make you happy. I realise now how happy this has made you.

'You truly are something - you know that?' he said sitting up but keeping his hand softly resting on me. 'The things you say sometimes, I can't believe how lucky I am. I honestly never thought I would really know what it felt like to be loved… I gave up hope...but now I do, because this is it.' We looked at each other for a while. Fixed on each other's eyes, before smiling.

'Should I do the cream thing for you?' he asked.

I nodded and he rolled over to reach to the nightstand where the bottle of cream stood. He pressed some of it against his palms to warm it and then slowly and gently began to smooth it across my skin.

'That feel ok?' he glanced up to me.

I nodded and smiled. He concentrated on what he was doing.

'So if you can hear us in there…' he said as he continued rubbing 'We're really excited that you're here' he looked at me and we laughed a little before he continued 'so hurry up and grow big and strong for Mommy and Daddy' He smiled broadly as he finished up and then rubbed the rest of the cream in.

'It rubs the lotion into its skin..' he grinned wickedly at me, 'Seth!' I yelled and we burst into laughter. He moved up beside me and snuggled into me resting his head on my shoulder. 'Sorry I couldn't help that' he chuckled. 'I know' I said pretending to be offended by it, but then kissed his head because it did actually make me laugh.

I went with Seth to the studio that night for the recording.

Initially I was not planning to go, but Seth encouraged me, saying he would like it if I came along especially to meet the host who was a friend. He told me I would be able to stay with him right up until they recorded, and then I could sit in the audience and watch until he was done.

I made him wear a black suit and white shirt which I chose, he said he didn't normally care and just wore what he was told by Jessica, the stylist employed by his management, but he said she would probably have chosen the same thing as I did so I must have good taste.

I wore a black dress, to keep it simple and match him but also to look smart, as I didn't know what was expected of me when being seen publicly with Seth.

Seth's driver Joseph collected us at 5pm and we drove to Studio City at Burbank. We were taken through the back entrance to the NBC studio complex as Seth requested we avoid any paparazzi on the way in because it distracted him and sometimes made him nervous before the interview.

Once we got out of the car and were greeted by a member of studio staff wearing a talkback headset and carrying a clipboard, I looked around, surprised at how lacking in glamour it actually was back there. Back stage was a very ordinary practical space, like a cross between a loading bay and very unfancy offices. We were taken through some dingy corridors and finally they opened up into a large hospitality area, which was an instant change in tone. It was more like the reception of a five star hotel with plush furniture, tasteful lighting, a bar area and lots of people milling around or standing in groups talking.

'Seth! Hey' Came a shout instantly and from across the room. A smartly suited man of Seth's height, but slightly fatter, with statutory showbiz white smile and perfectly groomed features made a b-line for us.

'Seth, how are ya?' He exclaimed as he reached us. 'Good, man. Really good. How's it going?' Seth replied with the prescribed level of enthusiasm.

'Oh yeah all going pretty well, thanks for coming down tonight - it's good to have you on the show.' The man replied.

'Hey no problem my friend… listen Jimmy – this is Sarah' Seth said, putting an arm around me.

'Oh Sarah! It's a pleasure to meet you' Jimmy replied, more politely. He took my hand and gave it a squeeze, whilst tipping me a surprisingly genuine smile.

'So you've come along to see Seth make a fool of himself tonight then?' He patted Seth on the arm, then smiled and winked at me. 'Uh, hopefully not!' I exclaimed. Both men laughed heartily. 'Nah I'm just kidding' Jimmy replied. 'This over-achiever here, is usually the one making the rest of us look like fools, huh Seth?'

'Ah knock it off' Seth nudged him playfully.

'Ah seriously man, you going to sing tonight? Seth's got the voice of an angel, but I guess you know that huh?' he smiled at me. I nodded and smiled back.

'Yeah, I'll give it a burst' Seth replied, 'guess I'd better – being as it's about the album!'

'Sure – sure – you're always on here for something different though Seth, but it's going to be great to hear ya sing.'

'Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.' 'Great, that's good… listen I've gotta go talk to Michael over here so I guess I'll see you on set'

'Sure man, See you later' Seth replied.

'Nice to meet you Sarah' Jimmy called as he left us with a wave.

I looked at Seth and he raised an eyebrow at me. I pursed my lips into a knowing smile and he smirked back at me.

'He's not really a dick' Seth whispered, he's a good guy, just lost in showbiz temporarily.

'He seems to be nice enough' I whispered back. 'He is' Seth agreed.

Seth took hold of my hand and led me through the groups of people standing around, smiling and nodding at the ones who greeted him. Some of them looked to me and smiled too. I wondered how many of them had been on ET website or if they just knew from Seth holding my hand that I was someone to acknowledge. I felt quite self-conscious, wondering if anyone would be bold enough to actually ask anything about me. I knew enough that for Seth to turn up, not only with a woman, but one he'd recently met, moved into his home and now was having a baby with was pretty hot gossip in Hollywood circles, but in this circumstance, I doubted anyone would be impolite enough to ask anything. There was always a chance though, and it put me slightly on edge. We sat in the dressing room allocated to Seth before the show, Seth didn't want to hang around in the hospitality area before going onstage, preferring to sit quietly and relax with me.

'Do you know what Jimmy's going to ask you about in the interview?' I asked Seth, as I sat on a sofa. He was fiddling with his phone and fidgeting with his jacket as he sat in a big black leather chair in front of the mirror. The make-up woman had come and applied power to his face, whilst I grinned cheekily at him in the mirror and he rolled his eyes at my reaction, clearly well used to the situation.

'Peter told me Jimmy's going to mention you, but it won't be the focus of the interview, it'll be pretty light mainly – about the album, how we recorded it, why I wanted the songs I chose, that kind of thing.' I nodded, feeling better.

'It's strange looking at you now, thinking that in a moment you'll be on camera and on TV… it's like you're in some kind of unreal world that I don't know you in' I said studying his reflection in the mirror.

'It is a pretend world' he replied calmly 'I'm still me though, just the same guy – see' he held out his hand to me. 'All real' he shrugged and smiled as I took it.

A really lovely girl named Wanda arrived just before Seth had to go and took me to my seat, in the front row of the audience. She told me she was a floor assistant and helped out with anything needed to keep the studio running smoothly during recordings. She asked me if she should sit with me and I agreed as she seemed so relaxed and pleasant, I was not entirely sure who was doing whom a favour because she seemed delighted when I agreed, whilst I was glad to be not sitting entirely alone.

Seth was the second guest and began by singing a song from his album, which was called 'Anytime, Anywhere'. He was accompanied by a band and sounded wonderful. I found myself as lost in his performance as were the rest of the audience, who seemed spellbound until the last note rang out, before breaking into whoops and hollering and applause.

I smiled proudly at him and he caught my eye and he walked across the stage to be greeted by Jimmy where the interview was to take place.

'So!' Jimmy began. 'Seth MacFarlane everybody, wasn't he fantastic?' The audience applauded and cheered again and Seth nodded shyly and smiled. 'Seth, how the hell are ya?' Jimmy asked as they settled in their chairs on stage.

'Great, thanks' he replied.

'Well that was just beautiful – you have the voice of an angel!' the audience cheered approval.

'Well thank you' Seth smiled again charmingly.

'So this is the first from your new album right?'

'Yeah, first of many'

'So tell me about it' he asked, before Seth filled him in on the recording process and why he had chosen the songs he had for the album.

'Now,' Jimmy said ominously after Seth had finished his explanation.

'A little bird tells me your album's not the only thing going well in the Macfarlane household right now' Jimmy raised an eyebrow first at Seth, then looked to the audience who instantly responded with oo's and woops of interest.

Seth beamed and smirked shyly.

'Don't know what you're taking about Jimmy!' he smiled cheekily.

'Oh come on Seth – don't be bashful… I hear bachelorhood might just be a distant memory for you at long last?'

'Mm-hmm' he replied, still holding back.

'Listen guys - so this is the lady we're talking about, let me just introduce your beautiful girlfriend Sarah now, she's here tonight, Ladies and Gentlemen and gestured into the audience towards where I sat. 'There she is, hey Sarah!'

I was so stunned but knew I had to smile and somehow managed it by looking to Seth at that moment and he gave me a reassuring nod and smile.

My heart was jumping out of my chest when seconds later I realised the camera was no longer pointing at me and Jimmy was asking Seth about me.

Wanda turned to me and also gave a reassuring glance too.

'Wow Seth – you landed on your feet there buddy' Jimmy teased. Seth smiled and the audience laughed.

'Yeah, I'm a very lucky guy, Jimmy - I don't deserve her.' He looked out towards me again and smiled.

'So you guys have your music in common apparently?' he asked Seth.

'Sure, yeah, that's true - she's a fantastic singer'

'Excellent – what a musical household you have there – say, how about next time we get Sarah on here instead – she sure is prettier than you man!'

The audience laughed and cheered whilst Seth took his joke with a grin and nodded. 'Yeah she is definitely prettier than me!'

'Alright so let's work on that Sarah', Jimmy said looking out to me in the audience, whilst Seth shook his head in mock despair at Jimmy's tenacity.

'Let's get you on here in the next week maybe?'

I blushed and nodded as I realised the camera was back pointing at my face and a response was expected.

'Ok, so fantastic, just wanna say congratulations to you both too', he winked at Seth for the benefit of the camera. Then swiftly turned, to link to the commercial break. 'And now we've gotta go to a commercial break but we'll be right back after with more music – oh we're good to you guys aren't we? We've got a song from my good friend Jaime Maddison – right after this'

The theme music played and the audience were instructed to applaud by the enthusiastic floor manager gesturing from behind the cameras.

'Oh my God! I yelled as I was reunited with Seth back in the dressing room .

He held out his arms to me and I hugged him but quickly pulled back.

'You ok? ' he laughed observing my nervous excitement.

'Just about!' I smiled broadly. I wasn't exactly expecting that but I guess it's ok.

'Probably better that you didn't know before then huh?'

'Did you know he was going to do that?' I asked, becoming aware that I was buzzing with excitement.

'No, I didn't actually or I would've warned you'

I laughed and sat down on the sofa where he joined me.

'Not as bad as you thought then?' he asked.

'Well, no… not really, do you think people knew what he meant at the end where he said congratulations to us?'

He shrugged, 'Some will, but I don't think the majority would work out it was anything more than congratulations that we're together. I think we have some breathing space in other words'

I breathed a sigh of relief.

'So I have to go on the show then?' I asked him incredulously.

'Well you should if they ask you to… it's an amazing opportunity Sarah, one which you need to consider carefully because of that.'

I nodded. 'I need to think about it' bizarrely it was not as frightening a prospect as I thought it would be.

'How're you feeling?' Seth asked, touching my cheek briefly. 'You tired? You should still be taking things easy, you know, and I think we've both had enough excitement for one night'

'I am a bit tired – are you sure I'm not cramping your style if we go?' I cringed.

'Not at all… Are you crazy?! I think you just added to my credibility 100%' He laughed.

Seth signed for fans waiting out by the front of the building whilst I waited in the car with Joseph around the back.

As we pulled around the collect him, a couple of paparazzi took shots through the windows. Seth said they would, so I was expecting it. One shouted through the window that he had heard I was having a baby and asked if it was true. Seth artfully ignored it and stepped into the car beside me taking hold of my hand on the seat between us.

I fell asleep on Seth's shoulder in the car on the way back to the house and I woke when he touched my cheek and whispered 'baby, we're home now'.
I stifled a yawn. 'I didn't realise I was so tired'
'Come on let's get inside. I'm tired too'
We curled up in bed together not long afterward and sleep came immediately.

I must have been distantly aware of discomfort sometime before it woke me. I shifted positions awkwardly in my sleep, trying to find a comfortable way to lie. Finally I woke with a start, confused in the darkness whilst dull aching waves stemmed from deep inside me.
Seth was peacefully asleep, the angle of his body still holding the shape as if I were lying there beside him.
He didn't stir when I lurched awake and sat up, didn't wake when I sat on the side of the bed, clutching my stomach, feeling wave after wave of aching pain rise through my body.
Initially I didn't know what to do. I wondered if maybe I had indigestion or perhaps I could be mistaken and the pain was morning sickness in a different form. I breathed deeply, trying to manage the pain and not panic. I was afraid to go to the bathroom. Terrified that I would check myself and find something I could not bare to accept. I remembered the doctors instructions: to take notice if these cramping sensations continued but I pushed the thought away again, wishing I could achieve the same kind of dismissive-ness towards the pain that I did not want to label, out of fear of what it would mean.

I sat a while longer; stared at the walls, the door, the floor, I held my breath as to me it sounded so loud in my head, I feared I might wake Seth with it the more breaths I took. I became too tired to sit any longer on the edge of the bed. My foot, which had been crunched beneath me, had lost all feeling by that point. To stretch out and push my legs under the soft, cool covers again felt extremely soothing and I realised the pain had lessened as I drifted away again.
I woke early, remembering instantly the episode in the night and daring not to move in case my body was yet to become aware of it's physicality and by moving, I would suddenly sense that aching pain once more. When finally I dismissed my fear and glanced to the other side of the bed, Seth was still sleeping, completely unaware of my anxiety. I felt relieved, somehow. I felt more comfortable that he knew nothing of it. I felt silly. I felt guilty. I felt unwilling to cause him the same fear that I felt.
I rolled on to my side and miraculously; my body gave me no unusual response. I tentatively pushed my palm against last night's site of pain. It felt normal. I took some deep breaths in relief and gazed down at Seth.
He laid flat on his back now, one arm bent and extended above his head with the other hand pressed against his chest. I lay my hand against his, and found myself wanting to wake him. I wanted him with me, to look at me and talk to me. I wanted to forget and make last night into a bad dream and nothing more.
I bent forward and kissed his hand softly, to which he woke, eyes flickering and opening, his hand responding to the kiss by rising to touch my face and then stroke my hair.
'Hey there' he murmured. His voice was deep and still laced with sleep. I smiled gently and turned my head to kiss his hand again.
'What's up?' he whispered, unsure as to the reason for my wakeful state so early in the morning.
'Can't sleep' I said losing eye contact with him as I lied and hid my secret.
'Come here' he slid his hand around my neck, encouraging me to lie down with him. I gladly let him lead me and pressed my face against his neck. He stroked my hair a while longer before we both settled comfortably and I rested my hand flat on his chest and closed my eyes.

That would have been the moment: the time to say something, and share my experience with him. Perhaps it would have helped if I had. Perhaps it just would have brought things sooner into turmoil when right then all I wanted was peace and calm and Seth. So I kept it to myself.

We woke again when light began to seep into the room. I stirred and stretched, moving my hand against his chest making him aware that I was awake again.
'Hey you, why were you awake so early' he said softly.
'Don't know' I lied again, burying my face in his shoulder in case he tried to look into my eyes or kiss me.
His hand ran down the length of my arm and onto my hip where it lingered and squeezed me gently. His other hand rose up to touch my neck and my face. My body responded to him but inside I froze. I knew that unless I stopped his next movement I would be allowing him to believe that his touch would lead us further than I could let him take it that morning.
Despite my denial, I realised that I could not do this today; my resolve to push that night's memory away could only stretch so far. Lying with words seemed possible, whereas making my body hide it's battle might well be beyond my control.
'What's wrong?' he whispered, slightly breathlessly as I did not begin to writhe and respond to him in a way I was normally unable to prevent.
'Nothing, really... I'm just... I just. ' I stammered, before I turned from him to hide.
'Hey, hey - it's ok. Don't turn away. You don't have to explain to me' he drew me back into his arms and held me.
'Sorry, I can't...' I whispered in shame.
'I said it's ok' he repeated gently.
I nodded sullenly and felt guilty for being surprised that he did not withdraw his affection, despite my refusal to touch him.
I gratefully held him tighter and he seemed to understand my need for reassurance as he hugged my head to his chest.

I was in the shower when I felt the sickening ache return. I steadied myself and breathed hard and leaned my arms on the wall cushioning my forehead against the tiles as the water rained down my back.
It seemed to come in periods of a few minutes at a time and then stop, only giving me a short while to recover before the next wave began. I refused to look at the puddle of water, which ran from my body, fully expecting now to see clouds of crimson blood tainting it. When finally I looked down there was nothing but clear water. I felt confused and slightly hopeful. Allowing myself once more, the indulgence of pretending I was mistaken about the pain and mistaken about what was happening to me.
I dressed privately in the closet area. The door firmly closed instead of my usual habit of leaving it wide open to the bedroom as I dressed, in order to joke and chat with Seth as he woke up.

He came in as I peered at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, now fully clothed.

'You're ready' he sounded surprised. 'I have to get going soon, I've got a meeting at 11.' He announced distractedly, he hooked an arm around my waist briefly, whilst he kissed my cheek on his way to the shower. His hand touched my tummy as he did and I flinched internally.

'Are you ok?' he asked at the door as he left the house, quiet concern tingeing his voice. I nodded and twitched a small smile as we kissed goodbye at the door. He nodded but I knew he remained unconvinced. 'I'm going to call you in a couple of hours to see how you are… ' He called back as he headed towards his car.

I just wanted him to go. I wanted him away from me now. I needed to be alone. To think and to face what I knew was coming to me. I couldn't let him in on this. I couldn't stand to see his eyes if I told him and above all I couldn't take the love and care I knew he would give me in response, as I did not feel I deserved it.
Another wave of cramping pain spread through my body as I closed the door. I leant back against it for support and breathed hard again, seeing myself through the pain. Gulping hard to prevent the sickening feeling spreading up into my throat, then blacked out.

'Sarah… Sarah. honey wake up…. Come on sweetie, please…. Wake up'

Blur and confusion… sickness and shivering… I could hear a voice but I did not know who it was or if it were a dream instead. I felt detached from my body and intermittently, my mind. I saw a face looking down at me.

'Honey, it's Matty… what happened to you? He touched my cheek and I could see fear in his eyes.

I moaned in pain and in sickness as he lifted me to sit where I had fallen in the hallway.

'Matt?'

'Oh baby, thank God, I was so worried…' He took hold of my hand and held it in both of his. 'Sarah honey, you're very sick, I've called the doctor and Seth, and they're on their way now sweetie… but Matty's here now'

I moaned again gripping the site of pain in my stomach. I felt numb from it. I knew what was happening to me, but I did not want to acknowledge it, alone or with someone, but I had to.

'Matt' I sobbed and threw my arms around his neck.

'My baby...' I whispered. Matt hugged me tightly and I felt him sob slightly too, before stroking my back slowly and then holding me in his arms.

'It's ok honey, it's ok….Matty's here…' he repeated as he rocked me gently.

The hours after were another blur of activity. I knew Seth arrived and was afraid and his voice was loud. Matt tried to calm him and I knew he embraced him for a while as the ambulance arrived and I was carried to it with care. I wanted to hold Seth myself, wanted to reach out for his hand, I felt his anxiety in my own chest, but I was drowsy and my body wouldn't do what I wanted it to. I trusted him to Matt, but I wanted to cry for him.

I woke in semi-darkness. I felt as though I had no physical presence, just a disembodied bundle of thoughts floating in the air. I had no pain, no feeling. I did not know where I was and could only see the white ceiling above me. My sense of smell kicked in. Chemical clean. My hearing next; beeping; clicking: echoing silence in between. The slow dawning of my physical presence unfolded accompanied by nausea and weakness in my legs. I moaned as awareness flooded through me.

'Sarah?' I heard Seth's voice but I was still looking at the ceiling so I did not know where he was.

His hand gently slipped into mine. I hadn't been aware of my own body until he touched me.

He appeared above me, looking down. His face pale, tired, his brow knotted with concern and fear.

'Oh my darling… ' he whispered shaking his head, before turning away from me for a moment to hide his face. I could hear the emotion break in his voice as he said it, but I knew as he turned, that he was trying to be strong for me.

I remained as I was, I did not reply. I waited for him to gather himself and return to look at me.

He did so with an expression of resolve. Pain visible in his eyes, but with gritted teeth he held on to his emotions. He reached out to my face and touched it so tenderly - as if I might break beneath his fingers.

He sighed, before looking into my eyes, I already knew what he had to tell me and I knew that he realised this too… but we still went though the motions anyway.

'Sweetheart, you're in hospital…' he said softly. Taking a deep breath again. 'Matt found you on the floor by the door… we don't know how long you were there' I blinked slowly. Knowing my face was still devoid of emotion.

He paused and raised his hand to his mouth and covered it for a moment and closed his eyes. Another deep breath.

'The baby' I whispered, not sure if it were a question or a prompt to him, but he simply shook his head in reply as he looked deep into my eyes until they clouded with tears and his face became a blur to me. They welled and fell in hot trails down my cheeks.

'He died' he whispered and laid his head next to mine, so the wetness of my tears soaked into his cheek and into the pillow.

He could not have been more gentle, more considerate or kind.

Everything I could need was provided for me in an instant. He kept me company when I wanted it; he left me alone when he sensed I needed my tears to be private. He was strong and comforting; but all of it – his kindness and his care and his love - was so very, very painful to me.

I wanted him to hate me and to blame me, to be angry and dismissive and to be unable to look at me. I wanted to be punished for my useless body. For taking away something so very precious from him, when he did not deserve any pain. Every time he was kind to me and looked at me with love in his eyes, all it caused me was pain and guilt and I kicked and punched myself inside my head.

In my recovery, he spent days at home with me; first whilst I lay upstairs in bed, then as more days passed and I grew stronger, I sat downstairs on the sofa. He would work in his office and come to check on me every hour, on occasions I did not move between one visit and the next. He brought me tea and made me food, encouraging me to eat and drink, sometimes putting food on the fork and whispering softly, 'just a little more honey'. Not allowing anybody else to help him, even when Matt or Anna asked him if they could, he refused them, saying that it was him that I needed.

One afternoon as he came to find me. I stood by the windows to the garden. Staring out at the city. Two weeks had passed since I left the hospital and physically I was stronger, but had still barely spoken more than a few words each day, completely unable to voice the turmoil inside my head, even to him.

'Hey there' he said coming to stand with me. His approach was more tentative these days, often lightly touching my hand in greeting, as opposed to scooping me into his arms.

I took hold of his hand but did not turn to him.

'What're you looking at?' he asked, trying to make me speak. I shrugged.

He placed a hand on my shoulder as if to turn me towards him. My eyes travelled slowly upward until they met his gaze. His lips twitched slightly into a smile. His kindness stung in my chest. I wanted so badly to indulge myself and fall into his arms and feel good again. His sweet smile weakened me and so I allowed myself to lean towards him, letting him know he could embrace me now, his face crumpled slightly as he drew me to him and held my head against his chest.

'That's better' he said softly, rubbing my back as if comforting a baby.

We stood for some time this way, both giving and receiving the affection we had needed so much from each other. When finally he drew back to look at me he said;

'I was wondering if you maybe wanted to play some music… thought maybe it would help you if you could focus on that…' He waited briefly before he took my hand and led me to the piano, where he guided me to sit down, not joining me, but standing behind me. I limply let him mould me and he reached around my body, taking hold of my wrists, lightly positioning them so that my fingers fell against the keys.

'Now' he said gently 'Why don't you play something?' then he released my hands and turned away, disappearing into his office and leaving me there alone.

I pressed the keys randomly, somewhat dismissively, but then formed some some chords. I enjoyed the sensation of pressing the keys, the weight against my fingertips and the smooth tone it produced. I was surprised how the sounds still absorbed me so steadily, how the process still captivated me despite my deadened emotion. I played a simple tune made up of basic notes, basic chords. I had learnt this song as a child and played it over and over proudly so many times that the pattern of the notes were indelibly etched into my memory. I allowed the sounds to wash over me and release memories which returned in waves, then some receding of tension. I felt a tugging in my chest and tears welled in my eyes but I didn't know why exactly. I felt angry and afraid at the same time: that this could happen to me, that this process could seem to take me over and force me to feel. My mind began to wander, finally freeing from the vice, which I had kept clamped shut for so long. I felt the hairs on my arms begin to lift and goose bumps formed. I sighed and felt as though I were waking from a stupor for the first time since my miscarriage. I had been living and breathing, but not really awake… I had shut down my thoughts and feelings for self-protection, but suddenly I could feel again.

I sat silently for a time. Still touching the keys I looked down at my hands and fingers. My skin looked papery and my nails untidy. I observed my clothing and felt ashamed. Recovered self-awareness made me realise my appearance was dire and I needed to change that. I didn't even recognise myself this way. I wore track pants and a hooded top, my hair was tied back and tangled. I wanted to be me again. I wanted to be Sarah, and to have and be normal things again and I wanted to be alive, not just exist.

I took a shower upstairs, shaving my legs and painting my fingernails, moisturising my body and my face with cream, drying and styling my hair properly for the first time in two weeks. As I sat facing the mirror, I applied mascara, realising what a difference it made to my eyes and I looked at myself without hatred.

Later that evening, I found Seth hard at work in his office. He sat in his leather chair at the desk, papers clutched in his hand, his laptop open and pens strewn around.

Before I let him know I was there, I paused at the doorway. Looking at the back of his head. I allowed myself to want him again on sight, admiring his thick, black, wavy hair, which had grown slightly longer than he normally allowed it to. There was something youthful and free about it this way and I longed to run my fingers through its thick, silky softness. I stepped forward and indulged myself, knotting my fingers amongst it, making him turn in an instant in response to my touch. His eyes caught me but he said nothing. I saw his gaze travel my body, which was only clothed in a thin layer of nude coloured silk material held by fine straps, the length only just reaching my thighs. He swallowed hard, eyes clouding thickly with lust as I continued to move my fingers amongst his hair. I knew he wanted me badly, the tension between us was heady and intoxicating, but I wondered if he could or would control himself.

He looked up at me, aghast, his mouth slightly open. It was all I needed for encouragement and I drew his head to me clutching the back of his neck and kissed his open mouth lustfully. I felt fire driving through me as I did so, the sensation of his lips on mine had escaped me for too long and he began to kiss back, breathing heavily as my other hand now started to roam amongst his hair. I moved forward and sat astride his thighs, the silk material easily sliding up my legs and I felt both of his hands come to rest there, to push it further upwards, realising there was nothing beneath.

I wanted him to touch me but I wanted to make him feel good above all, as though I owed him this now… I heard him groan as I brought my hips forward, sliding myself up his thighs until I rested against the hardening in his jeans.

He pulled away from the kiss, 'Wait… wait, we can't' he was breathless, 'Sarah this … this isn't right' I ignored him, drawing his head forward in order to kiss his lips hungrily again and he moaned reluctantly as he melted against me once more.

I slid back down his thighs to access his belt and zipper, which I undid as he looked down and watched. He reached up to my shoulder straps, simultaneously pulling them down and revealing my breasts, which he began to kiss and touch immediately.

I pushed him away, confusing him for a moment, before kneeling on the floor in front of him, reaching into his jeans and taking him into my mouth. He gasped and groaned as I worked on him, gripping the chair with his hands and breathing unsteadily.

'Stop.' He gasped after a short time, 'please stop' he writhed in his chair, his knuckles whitening with the power of his grip, but I refused, upping the pace and hearing a huge outward breath from him. 'Sarah, please, I need you to stop now or I'm gonna lose it' I continued until I heard his breathing become short gasps and he held my head in place as he exhaled with a groan and I felt him release into me.

He took my hands to lift me up and drew me onto his lap again. For a moment I felt as though we might embrace quietly and return to calm, but being so close to him for the first time in weeks felt such a draw. When I sat in his lap to embrace him, I kissed his neck and felt as though our desire was as new as when we started.

'Sarah I shouldn't have let you do that' he whispered, still breathless but now starting to respond to the kisses on his neck. 'I wanted to…' I whispered back. 'I need this now… I need to… please… I want you'.

'Oh God I want you too' he moaned losing himself in my attention. I took him into my fist once more and felt him harden again. This time, was more hurried than ever as I swung my leg astride him again and he pulled me closer, easing himself inside me, bringing that sense of sweet relief to feel each other this way again. I moved on him and we moaned in unison at the sensation we had missed so much, grinding together desperately needing to achieve fulfilment. He lifted me off him, pushing me back onto the desk and knocking away the papers and the pens so they fell to the floor and entered me again as I wrapped my legs around his back to pull him closer and he continued to move until we both came… Afterwards, we moved through the house, made love on the sofa before climbing the stairs, not making it to the top before needing to renew our union once more, right then and there. Now tiring but still not having enough of each other we moved to the bed where he lay on me, kissing me deeply and slowly, holding my face in his hands as he did so, moving inside me but with long and gentle strokes to match his kisses. I held him tightly, needing him so much that I never wanted it to end or let him go. I could take the physicality of our sex - all of it, everything we did… I saw it as something we both needed, as release, as comfort… but when he whispered that he loved me, I broke down in an instant, tears welling and flowing from me in the same way and with the same pain as when I learnt that our child was dead.

I sobbed uncontrollably beneath him and his expression fell into sorrow, ceasing awkwardly our lovemaking and moving to lie down beside me where I trembled into his shoulder.

'This was too soon, honey… you didn't have to do this for me' he soothed, holding me tightly.

'It's not… I need you Seth… really wanted you I needed this…but… I just can't have you love me anymore' I whispered. 'I just can't bare to hear it'.

He did not seem to understand me, he looked haunted by it but I was not able to explain it to him, so he held me until I cried myself to sleep.

I heard voices downstairs. One was a woman; one was Seth. I sat up in the bed, Seth had drawn the covers over me but I was still naked. I sat up and found my robe to the side, wrapping myself in it swiftly as I shivered with the cold air. I moved to the top of the stairs silently, not wanting anyone to be alert to my movement. I wanted to understand who this was and what they were saying before showing myself to be awake.

'I just feel so fucking helpless Amy….' Seth was saying. He sounded upset. 'I just don't know what to do to help her, she won't talk to me… '

'Oh Seth darling' she cooed 'Come here'. I knew she embraced him then and I burned inside with hatred but didn't move.

'Listen sweetie, you're doing your very best… no one could do more for her than you have'

'I guess..' he replied sounding unconvinced.

'I feel for her, I really do… it's just' she stopped.

'Just what?' he sounded suspicious.

'Well, honey, I don't know… all this thing with her' she paused again

'What thing?' he replied, sounding clearer, firmer.

'…Oh well it was all very sudden the way things happened between you.'

Seth gave no response.

'I mean… perhaps it's a sign honey… maybe this is going to turn out for the best in the end… you said she's distant, maybe you need to back off now while you can. There's no baby to hold you there anymore… cut your losses and get out…'

'You fucking what?' he yelled.

'Amy, wait - run that by me again… because I think I'm having a fucking nightmare here.'

'Oh Sethy, calm down honey… come on think about it… you don't need her really… you need someone who understands you, someone who's not a burden to you all the time, someone who really knows you' she cooed.

'You WHAT? Where is this coming from Amy…. Because I can't deal with any shit right now'

He sounded desperate.

'Oh Seth, come here, let me take care of you, you know this was meant to be from the start… I just had to make sure nothing got in our way.' There was a pause and silence.

'Get the fuck off me! What the hell are you doing?' Seth yelled. 'You're fucking crazy and you just made me realise it. Sarah is none of those things you said, I love her, and she's the only woman I've ever loved. Why are you doing this? You're Steve's wife for Christ's sake, do you know what it'd do to him if he heard you now? He's my best friend and you think it's ok to say those things to me?'

'Seth – please… I care about you… I love you'

'Get the fuck out of my house!' he yelled. I heard the scraping of chairs on the floor as they sounded like they were moving out the room. I slunk backwards up the stairs as I saw them enter the hallway below. Seth was holding her by the arm and dragging her to the door, which he opened before turning to her. She looked terrified. 'I don't know what the hell you thought you were doing, but all this falls into place for me now… it was you wasn't it…? Stirring things with the press… telling them about my relationship with Sarah and our baby… Trying to fuck things up for me to suit your self. Do you know what you did? Causing us that stress? You pissed me off and you scared Sarah when she needed to be calm. All for some stupid, selfish little crush you had because you're a bored, pointless housewife with no life and no hope. Well I blame YOU Amy… I blame you completely for this and for the baby… as far as I am concerned it was all your fault. You killed our baby, you hear me? I don't want to see you again and I will NEVER forgive you.' He pushed her away and slammed the door, banging his fists against it as it closed and then resting his head against it.

I finally let my breath go. Momentarily wondering if I possibly could have dreamt what I saw and heard.

I watched him, head pressed against the door, his fists raised above his head clenched tightly, breathing hard. I felt so sorry for him. I knew he had just lost not one, but two close friends over this. I knew how he would be feeling about being betrayed like that.

I also knew that if I had never come into his life, he would not have had to go through any of this now. I loved him. He did not deserve this. He ought to be happy and I blamed myself that he was not.

In that moment, I knew exactly what I had to do, to show my love for Seth in the ultimate way and to put him first….

Sorry for typos and missing words. There are a few. I hope it's not too distracting... thanks for continuing to read.