AN: I just realized, that to an extent Yang's looks reminded me of Panty from Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt. But I only knew the characters, and so I went and watched a few episodes.

What da f*ck did I just watch?...

And LOL dat RWBY Wiki Chat - so funny.

And… wait… Have I been spelling Pyrrah's name wrong the whole time? Wiki says Pyrrha… Well slap me silly and call me Sally… eh, you'll just have to live with it. I'm not changing all this stuff now. XD

And I don't know about you, but every time I typed out Mulchkins I laughed. Mulchkins in the Emerald Forest. PFFFFFT.

Begin

Red… the color painted the white walls in its hue.

Brown streaks stained pants, yellow liquids were scattered, refusing to intermix with the semi-solid red pastes on the floors and the entirety of the room.

Bodies laid about under and over broken furniture, tables and chairs, as sloppy, chunky wetness dripped everywhere, splattering onto the once clean linoleum floors.

Broken glass and fragments of a boney white littered the area and the scent of great loss permeated the room.

"...Explain."

Clan Ala Alba and Team CRDL both gulped loudly in unison as Ozpin's eyes glared into and through our souls.

The Headmaster of Beacon Academy sipped from his mug of never ending coffee.

The eating contest had gone surprisingly well.

People had cheered and rooted for both sides as plates scraped clean and stacked like ivory towers.

Cardin had been the first to retire as he upchucked copiously into a large bucket handed to him by a sympathetic looking classmate, one Gregor Piotror's teammates, a messy haired Eastern boy by the name of Ronkuu who looked like he could be Ren's distant cousin.

Gregor had just laughed with his thick northern accent and slapped the poor team leader on his back. Unintentionally worsening the issue.

Yang and I had slowed down with our chewing as the other CRDL member Dove Bronzewing matched pace with us, but he looked like he was nearing his limit.

It was then that next plate had cauliflower in it.

I was allergic to cauliflower.

As I pointed that out, the smell became too much and I had to retire as well, grabbing a bucket for myself as Ruby groaned, calling me Vomit-boy as I barked at her to try eating or smelling allergens on a full stomach and feel totally fine.

Cardin smiled at me weakly as we simultaneously emptied our stomachs again.

It was a nice moment of kinship, even in the midst of the competition.

Then came a giant two pound steak.

Yang, the carnivore that she was, dug in with ferocity, relishing every bite of the juicy medium rare meat.

Unable to keep up with what the rest of Team RWBY jealously called Yang's Breast-Appetite, Dove gave in and reached for a bucket as well.

With a laugh Yang had speared the remaining half pound of steak on a fork, (Yang eats really fast) and raised into the air, standing up on the table with a howl as the crowd cheered and jeered when she swung her meat wand around dripping beef juice on the ones too close to the front.

Russel Thrush, had flicked peas at his leader as a joke, telling him to make sure to make a challenge that Team CRDL might win before falling back as Cardin jokingly shoved him just a tad too hard.

Russel fell back, arms flailing as he slipped on a little bile on the ground as his fingers caught the rim of a plate, launching the most deadly edible weapon in all of Vale into the air.

An extra-large guacamole filled bean burrito. Drenched in a spicy cheese sauce, the cylindrical edible Grimm-comparable S Rank projectile flew in the air, time itself slowing down at the sheer audacity of the burrito which did the worst possible thing.

The bean filled monstrosity crashed into the remaining steak on Yang's fork, tearing itself open and fragmenting all over the RWBY girls and leaving dirty streaks in their hair.

A loud silence descended on the room as EVERYONE stared at Yang who trembled and her eye began to twitch.

In the next half second she raised her right leg into the air, perpendicular to the ground, bringing it down with an explosive fire aura kick, the linoleum tiling in her immediate vicinity rippling as the ground warped and a shockwave knocked everybody back.

The table she stood on cracked in half as towers of plates flew into the air as Yang spun on her heel firing plate after plate after the mohawked member of Team CRDL.

The rest of the RWBY girls somehow had been unaffected by the shockwave and they all picked up their weapons, piles of messy sloppy food of all sorts before firing them, supporting Yang with angry shrieks.

Blake's angry amber eyes and absolute silence was twice as frightening as Yang's raging about how her hair had been ruined.

Of course, in their anger and improvised projectiles (Particularly Weiss who had no experience in the art of culinary bombardment) many missed and hit other members of the audience.

This is of course when the seeds of chaos were sown and an all out, no holds barred food fight began.

No…

A massacre is a better word for it.

"..."

Ozpin pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose and took another sip of his coffee smugly, somehow. His face was still apathetic to all this information.

"...Interesting. I think I'll look at the security footage. You're dismissed. If it's interesting enough, you won't be demerited for repair costs. Go take a shower." he turned to walk away.

"..."

"...Did that... just happen?" Cardin asked disbelievingly. "We might not even be punished for this?"

I facepalmed.

Ozpin you goddamn idiot…

The RWBY girls were still glaring angry at Russell Thrush out of the corner of their eye, a dark aura swirling around them.

Team CRDL wisely and quickly bowed out a quick apology before fleeing the scene.

Team JNPR quietly followed the enraged Team RWBY all the way back to the Clan Hall. They headed straight into the baths, not even grabbing spare clothes from their room. Which was probably the smart thing to do anyways, so that they didn't get their room messy. We had bathrobes in the bathroom closets anyways.

"...Ren I'm scared…" Nora tugged at her best friend's shirt sleeve with teary eyes.

"I too have some qualms about entering that bathroom at the moment." Pyrrah nervously admitted, wiping down her headdress with a damp rag. "There's an ominous aura leaving the washroom through the cracks between the door and the floor… It feels almost Grimm-like."

I sighed.

Dashing into my room and rooting through my bag, I pulled and put things back in over and over looking for something. My three pudding encrusted, spaghetti-sauced teammates peered in to see me pull out a large jar of what must have looked like putty or clay.

"Aha! Found it!" I turned to the others with a large smile as I opened it, scooping a big handful into a smaller jar. Closing both jars, I handed the larger one to Pyrrah. "This will get all the gunk out of your hair and skin. I used to use this to wash off hunting musk. It's expensive and hard to make, but I assure you that all of you will come out smelling much better and feeling much cleaner. Be careful when you use it on delicate skin through, only in small amounts for facial and other delicate areas, unless you want it to give you cold burning sensations. It's pretty strong to begin with."

I turned to Ren with the smaller jar.

"This should be enough for the both of us." I turned to the wide eyed girls, "Try not to use all of it, ok? You're free to, but it'll take a full week to make a new batch half that size, so leaving a bit to be safe isn't a bad idea. That and you shouldn't need more than a third of it anyways. It's like clay, not soap or that shampoo stuff Ren showed me, so just know that. It will also dissolve in warm water and act as a mineral bath, but that also means you can't avoid the cold burn if you use too much."

Like a bullet they rushed to the bathroom with a faint thank you being left in the wind.

"...Ok?"

Ren just laughed as he walked to the other bathroom.

"Come on, casanova, let's go."

"What's a casanova?"

I set up a mineral bath using half of the handful, the large twelve man sized bath smelling of a lemony-peppermint, entering the bath the two of us sighed as the bath fizzed in contact with the dirt and food stuffs that the initial rinse before we entered couldn't remove.

"This… is really nice."

"He he, isn't it? My gramps was a medicine man and he often went into Vale to sell goods like this to provide funds for the town. Sure we saved seeds and stuff, but we needed to buy cloth, salt, and spices. Not to mention scrap metal to smith with. He taught me a everything he knew. Except this one syrup that could solve any sort of fever. I used to think he was a magician in hiding."

I scooped up a bit of the clay like mixture before handing it to Ren, taking the smaller remains for myself.

"We only need this much? You gave a lot to the girls though."

"Hmm? Well, they got a lot more direct hits than we did and were straight in the middle of it. I'm sure they have the common sense to not use all of it. I did warn them about sensitive skin and girls are particular about skin, right? I overheard Weiss and Yang discuss skin-care products the other night, after all."

"Yeah, girls are pretty particular about things like that." Ren agreed as he rubbed the scented clay through his hair, I warned him not to rub vigorously or into the scalp. It would help revitalize the hair and skin, but it wasn't soft like soap or shampoo, so once the skin became sensitive, it would become problematic if you scrubbed it in.

After we had finished soaking the two of us enjoyed the faint tingling on our skin as the moisture in the air of the bath brushed against our skin as we rinsed ourselves off with clean water.

"Fwahhh! I love taking baths with that! Sometimes I'd cover myself in musk and go hunting just so I'd have an excuse to use it ha ha."

"It does sound like something you would do. Do you need me to wash your back?"

"Sure! I saw this in a comic! You become better friends doing this kinds of stuff right? I'll wash your back after!"

Ren laughed as he scrubbed my back with a towel soaked in warm, soapy water.

"Whoa that feels good! I feel like a kid again! Ha ha."

"What're you, an old man?"

"Naw, I just haven't bathed in the same bath as anyone since I was a kid. I forgot how fun it was to soak and talk about stupid stuff. I spent two years studying because I was angry and forgot to have fun. To be honest, I thought that Beacon was going to be a waste of time, but in a week I've already made some pretty amazing friends! It's also nice how the things I learned originally in those two years to satisfy my desire for revenge ends up helping the friends I made now. Funny how things work out, eh?"

After switching and talking about more random things, we left the bathroom in our robes and both got a bottle of milk from the fridge, drinking it down before plopping down on the couches.

"Hmmm."

I looked up at my friend.

"What is it, Ren?"

"Nothing. Just that the girls haven't come out for a long time."

"What, so we should check up on them?"

"No, just noting something. They should be out soon. Nothing we need to worry about, I think. They're making a lot of noise, so it's not like they're dying. Sounds like they're having fun."

We lounged about enjoying the relative silence before the girls left the bath and slowly came downstairs in their bath towels as well.

"Heyo! Did the mineral mix help?"

Yang smiled at me grinning.

"You bet it did! My hair has zero knots! That stuff's like miracle mix! You need to make this stuff for us to use more often."

"It was certainly effective." Blake agreed, yawning quietly. "I feel cleaner than I've ever been."

I shook my head sadly.

"I know, I love it too. But using too much at once or using it too often isn't that good for you."

All the girls froze mid-step.

"Wh-what kind of side effect?" Weiss asked nervously.

"Hmm? Nothing particularly harmful. Using too much at once will leave your skin extremely sensitive for a while from three to upwards half a day? It has a bit of a time delay though so it wouldn't kick in until an hour or two after you begin soaking. It shouldn't have a problem with hair, it's just the nerve-tingling you really have to worry about. Using it too often on the other hand will dry your skin out after about a week. If it's just a large amount one time you don't have to worry about that stuff though. I learned the second one the hard way once, I had to be wrapped in moisturizing plant matter and gelatin wrapped under bandages for a full month because I started bleeding out of my pores and my skin cracked like, everywhere."

"Grossssssss." Ruby shivered approached the fridge. "So, uhm. About using a bunch at once… what was that about skin sensitivity?"

"Hmm? Uh, you should watch out for quick changes in temperature, or change in temperature in general, I guess. Oh and not to brush up against a lot of stuff, because touching things might give you weird tinglings. I remember when I was six and a bit too much fell in my bathwater. When I got out, I had so much cold shivers I couldn't sleep without my dog for warmth."

"Kya!" Ruby gasped as she opened the fridge.

All the girls stopped to stare at Ruby who bravely snatched a bottle of milk out of the fridge, shivering as she did so using the sleeve of her bathrobes.

"Is there something wrong? A bug didn't get in the fridge, right?"

"Nothing! I just thought I saw something." Ruby told me.

"Uh, Jaune? You wouldn't have anything that would… counteract the sensitivity, would you?" Pyrrah nervously asked me.

"Uh… not at the moment. I could give you something that would shorten the time that you stay sensitive, but it would only do so by making you extra sensitive for the shorter time… what's with the faces?"

"Do you have anything to numb it then? We might have, erm, been a tad excessive and my… legs… might be a bit sensitive naturally, and every step feels like walking in a tundra." Weiss reddened.

"Oh. Just wrap up and keep warm when you go to sleep. I can have something for you by morning if it still lasts, but until then you'll have to bear with it."

"...I'm gonna head to bed." Ren suddenly stood up as he quickly walked past the girls who all suddenly looked like they were dead on their feet.

"Oh, ok. I will too. I'm bushed. I'll set it up so you girls can have the lotion by morning. Gnight! Have fun with your girl talk!"

I woke multiple times in the night, with light sneezing. There was a lot of mumbling as the girls slept though, I could hear it as I walked past the RWBY room to use the restroom. They must have been having some sort of nightmares because they kept making frightened noises.

My sneezes didn't go away until morning.

"Are you sure you girls didn't have nightmares? I heard a lot of whimpering when I got water and used the bathroom in the middle of the night. I have a tonic for sleepless dreams."

"Please stop bringing it up." Pyrrah insisted, her face a bright red for some reason. "I'm fine, the lotion helped as well."

"Well, if you say so I guess. I just worry too much, probably." I chuckled as I picked up a can opener and went to work at a can of tuna.

"Is that canned tuna?"

"Blake?! Goodness you surprised me! Hmm? Your face is red, do you have a fever?"

I let go of the can opener as I put a hand on her forehead.

"You're really warm… Are you sick? Go back to bed! Doctor's orders! I'll make you a tuna melt for breakfast and leave something for lunch. I'll get my fever medicine and-"

"I'm fine! You're worrying too much."

"He, erm, heard a lot of whimpers and moans last night when he left to use the restroom. He's convinced the whole Clan had nightmares." Pyrrah coughed, turning red as well.

"Is the whole Clan sick? I knew my sneezing last night meant something! I'm gonna make sure nobody gets out of bed today!"

"D-don't!" They both cried at once as they pulled at the collar of my uniform's blazer. "You're overthinking it."

"Are you two sure? I'm worried."

"Don't make that face. I won't complain to a tuna melt though…" Blake chewed her lip as she looked away from me and out the window.

"Sure! One tuna melt coming right up!"

"Ah, me too." Pyrrah joined in. "If it's not too much trouble. I'll go wake the others and see if they need the lotion as well."

"Oh… ok. I think I'll just make breakfast for everyone then. Why don't you go help her, Blake?"

"That sounds acceptable." The quiet intellectual of Team RWBY nodded as she briskly walked off with Pyrrah.

"Hmmm. I'll rehydrate and flavor some lotus root as fever reducers and extra energy for the day, just in case, and make a veggie scramble alongside some waffles then. Hmm… Waffel Machine Instructions, huh?..."

I was very proud of my cooking skills.

Everybody had quite an appetite for some reason or another this morning though they did look a bit tired.

"Wow, you girls must have been hungry?..." I laughed nervously. "Stealing Pyrrah's tuna melt might have been a bit much though."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Ruby smiled sweetly.

"We only ripped off a piece because Blake wouldn't share." Yang agreed, nodding as she dug into her plate of egg scramble again.

Blake just sat on the back of her chair, nibbling on her tuna melt and staying out of fork and knife reach. Or correction, she was squatting on the back of the chair, only feet making contact.

I don't even want to know the kind of balance needed for that.

Pyrrah looked very disheartened.

"It's ok Pyrrah. I'll make you something you want later, then. Cheer up."

What's with the glares?!

At least Pyrrah looks happy… I sighed. What's a guy to do?

The whole of Ala Alba had a shared class today for Current Affairs: The Short and Long Term Effects. Usually this class was supposed to be a sleeper class as all that really happened was important news clips from the previous week is shown after the current news on the Dustnet is streamed live to the holoscreens.

Most of the time, aside from the occasional Grimm sighting in Vale and sometimes some politician had some speech about maintaining the current state of world affairs. Something fairly tame.

"Today, firefighters rushed to the scene of the Radish Corporation as they desperately tried to quell the raging flames. Dust glyphs had been engraved into many walls of the main office branch as they were activated, likely from a distant and safe location. The fire spread rapidly, before being stopped and suppressed by S Rank Huntsman Ambrosius Mer-Liin who had been visiting the neighboring Schnee Dust Corporation Dust processing factory to discuss a contract on quality-checks. Radish Corp revealed that the previous day they had received a video crystal from criminal at large Roman Torchwick about the inevitable tragedy. Here is the footage."

The screen flickered to show an orange haired man in a white trenchcoat and a black bowler hat sitting almost sideways on a large throne-like chair. He puffed on a cigar, before brushing his bangs aside with a gloved hand.

"Good day, to my dear, dear friends at Radish Corp. Seriously? That's their company name? Wow, talk about boring! Anywho, I noticed that you've been doing surprisingly well and I thought wow, surely they don't mind lending a man in need a little Dust."

He laughed, leaning back across the armchair, stretching, before he stood up, a cane in his hand.

"But you know, dear gentlemen. And of course, they ladies. Arrr-rrrr-rrr. That your people with more money than god with your bourgeoisie crap won't just help out a brother in need. No… you wouldn't be fun if you were. So you tubers listen to me. By eleven PM tonight, have three thousand cubits of refined and processed dust and crystals. Labeled, if you please, so that I don't have to get a grunt to screw around with resources making sure what does freaking what. You know how it gets, ordering people around and playing god with people's lives right?"

He snickered as somebody handed him a sandwich from off screen.

"Oh, nice. MMmph. That's a good sandwich. Thank you grunt number 83, you're my new favorite. Where were we? Ah, right. The threatening. So if you don't do this or call the cops, I'm going to blow up your fancy new factory. I don't mind you showing this afterwards, heck please, do. I could use the publicity. Do you have any idea what a billboard in Vale Central costs nowadays? And I thought I was the criminal here. Grunt 47! Hold the camera straight… And make sure to get me from my good side. Last thing I need is another bunch of crap footage like my terrible mugshot. Still, even with a little bruising, my hair was fabulous that day. Oh, good times. Breaking out the next day was easier than letting myself be caught in the first place."

He took another bite, chewing slowly before swallowing.

"Ah, well look at the time. You know me, evil plans to formulate, dreams of babies to snack on, stereotypic 'monster' stuff, eh? Just a heads up and have my Dust ready, ok you old farts? Cut the camera."

The newscaster popped back up speaking about the actions that the police are now making to prevent further attacks such as this happening and that Torchwick had ended up getting away with more than five thousand units, having emptied out the factory and fleeing with his terrorist followers.

Radish Corp had done nothing but beef up security and had obviously failed, resulting in a large number of tragedies.

They didn't even try hiring a single Hunter! Who does that? It's easy to get discreet protection if you're willing to promote their activities afterwards.

"Ugh. This is ridiculous. Companies like Radish Corp give us all a bad name."

"Yeah, I mean Radish, seriously?"

"This isn't funny, Yang." Weiss huffed as I patted her shoulder, calming her down.

"I'm just saying that you can't have a more ridiculous company name."

"...Well I admit that it certainly is poor decision making that led to the… unfortunate name…"

"The only way to make it worse was if it had been called Cabbage Corp." Blake said with the faintest smile making Pyrrah and Ruby giggle, the latter much more loudly than the former.

"But let's be serious here. Six thousand units of Dust products? That's dangerous in any hands." I furrowed my brow. "I know he tried to rob a Dust shop a little over a week ago, I mean, it was on the news that the Dustplane was showing on our way to Beacon. But to suddenly pull off a successful heist of a company and get away without notice? That's crazy."

Then I turned to glare at Ruby and Yang who were both opening their mouths to talk.

"And if either of you bring up my vendetta against the natural motion of vehicles, I will use my medical knowledge to make sure your skin turns orange."

They both closed their mouths.

"This is really an issue though. What would a madman do with six thousand units of Dust? You can go to war with that…" Ren stopped talking as everyone in class turned to him. "...Oh this is really bad. Radish Corp is a new Vale Kingdom company and hasn't spread it's economic empire. If Torchwick attacked any of the other kingdoms' military personnel and left traces of Radish Corp equipment, then this could end the peace."

The atmosphere grew heavy as students began whispering fearfully.

We had all grown in a time of relative peace for almost half a century after unknown years of terrible war that had decimated kingdoms across the globe. The information was considered internationally censored secrets but even the oldest generations currently could not remember what had started it in the first place, making only speculation possible as to the actual length of the war in the first place.

It was a war that only four city-states had survived.

The thought of war was to picture a beast greater, darker, and more fearsome than any Grimm imaginable. Not creatures that ate people, but whole civilizations. Demons that devoured the world.

And now it had become a more than definite possibility.

End

AN2: DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUNNNNNNN

RWBY Verse 'bout to get real.