I had planned to post this last night but unfortunately, the power went out. Gotta love NH where this still happens on a fairly regular basis. Not ;-)
I put links to all the wedding details - wedding dress, bridesmad dress, etc - in my profile. I had a lot of fun doing 'research' for this chapter.
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be mine :-(
Chapter 9: Bittersweet
Now I have come to understand,
The way it is
It's not a secret anymore
'cause we've been through that before
From tonight I know that you're the only one
I've been confused and in the dark
Now I understand
Just like a star across my sky
Just like an angel off the page
You have appeared to my life
Feel like I'll never be the same
-Like a Star, Corrine Bailey Rae
~August~
A week and a half later I was standing on the front step of my mother's familiar immaculate white house, with its perfect lawn and perfectly trimmed bushes, trying to work up the courage to knock on the door.
I'd put this visit off for as long as I reasonably could, and with all the last minute wedding and moving details I'd been so busy helping Alice with, it hadn't been hard to find excuses to avoid seeing her. At the moment, Alice's apartment was literally a disaster zone as everything was in the middle of being packed and readied to ship down to Texas. The store was officially closed, and it was in the same messy state as the apartment. Alice fluctuated from being radiantly happy, to downright frantic, and only the thought that Jasper was taking a week off work and would soon be joining her kept her sanity intact.
It had been a whirl of shopping and last minute dress fittings and phone calls, and now with just ten days left until the wedding, my mother was understandably low on my list of priorities.
This didn't stop me from lying awake at night, worrying, when I should have been enjoying my well deserved sleep. There was so much on my mind these days, more than I liked to admit to myself; guilt, fear, anxiety, happiness, and uncertainty all whirled in my restless mind, making it impossible to relax. I woke up with deep shadows under my eyes, wanting nothing more than to roll over and escape back into unconsciousness. But I couldn't, not when Alice needed me.
Thoughts of my mother weren't the only thing keeping me up at night however, and in the grand scheme of everything they accounted very little for my anxiety. Of course it all inevitably came back to Edward and my nonexistent future with him—but now wasn't really the best time to be thinking about him.
I took a deep breath, trying to hold onto all the courage and contentment that Edward had given me over the past couple days, and raised my fist to knock on the door. When Renee opened it several moments later surprise was written all over her face. "Bella!" she cried, and pulled me in for a tight hug. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders, caught off guard by how foreign it felt, almost how I imagined hugging a stranger might feel. It had been a long time since she'd held me like this.
"Hi mom," I said softly, awkwardly patting her shoulder.
Renee pulled away after only a few seconds and led me to the living room. I sat down in my usual chair, while she stood next to the couch, tugging her hands like she didn't know what to do with me. She coughed nervously. "Do you want anything to drink? Something to eat?"
I frowned at her Suzy Homemaker fakeness, wishing that she could just be real with me. She had to be angry and worried and pissed off, and I wished that she would let me see that instead of covering it up with plastic perfection. I waited as she sat down on the couch opposite me and starting absently wiping non-existent dust off the coffee table, and waited for the façade to crack.
"Have you been to see your father?" she asked quietly.
Well, that was one way to do it. Renee had always been a little jealous and uncomfortable of my relationship with Charlie, and I was pretty sure I could use that to get her true feelings to show. So I nodded and replied mercilessly, "Yeah, I go see him every few weeks." Emotion flickered across her face but she reined it in. "I call him too, to tell him how I am."
Her eyes narrowed as if she knew what I was doing. She leaned towards me. "I'm worried about you Isabella; this isn't like you to go so long without talking to me—are you mad at me? Do you think I've done something to upset you?"
I could have mentioned Phil but I kept my mouth shut, knowing that any attack on her husband would cause her to shut down. "It's nothing personal mom, I just needed some space. We've never really had time apart, have we?"
"I don't see why we need it," her voice rose slightly. "I just don't understand you— you run out in the middle of dinner without a word of explanation, and the next thing I hear you're living with some girl in Port Angeles, without even the courtesy of giving your own mother a phone call. I heard about it from Deborah Stanley—can you imagine how mortifying that was for me?"
There. Her anger was starting to break through her shell; I braced myself for what was coming. "I never thought to expect this kind of trouble from you!"
"I left, that's it. I'm not doing anything that affects you directly—"
"You're my daughter, everything you do affects me!" she yelled. "Moving in with Alice Brandon? What on earth made that sound like a good idea? Even her own mother thinks she's crazy!"
"Alice is my best friend," I said quietly.
Renee shook her head angrily, disregarding that completely. "And don't even get me started on Edward Masen! Rosalie told me that she saw you on the back of that man's motorcycle at two in the morning. What on earth were you doing out with him that late at night?"
I sighed and rubbed my eyes with the heel of my hand, grateful that she didn't know exactly how much time I'd been spending with him lately. Dinners and movies and hanging out, and mostly just the two of us. The kiss had been a one time occurrence however, and I didn't know whether to be disappointed or relieved about that. Best that my mother never hear any of it though.
"And Mrs. Mallory said she saw you going to Mike Newton's party last week—I don't understand Isabella, you were never that kind of girl before! You used to be so… so easy and good. Are you doing drugs, is that it? Is that why you're spending so much time with that man?"
"No, I am not doing drugs," I replied, as forcefully as I could manage.
"I wish I could believe you…" she trailed. "Don't you know what people say about him?"
"I don't give a fuck what people say about him!" I burst out loudly. Renee reeled backwards as if I had slapped her.
I dropped my head into hands and took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. "Mom," I sighed. "Just because I left doesn't mean I've changed, at least that I've changed in a bad way. I like who I am better now. I'm happier, I have friends now, I'm having fun now working at Alice's store. Why can't you be happy for me?"
"The things I hear Bella—"
"Hear me!" I yelled. "Don't listen to all those gossips—listen to your daughter! Alice and Jasper and Edward are good people. I don't believe any of the crap anyone says about him because I know them. Why can't you trust me?"
I lifted my head just in time to see Renee's face fall in disappointment. It was worse than her anger, and unfortunately, something I was far more familiar with. "I love you, but I can't believe everything you say Bella. You're so naïve, so young. You've never experienced anything like this before. You've never been on your own before."
"So let me make my own mistakes for once. Everyone has to start somewhere; let me live my life. That's all I'm asking for."
Renee didn't speak for a long time, then finally, she exhaled deeply. "How long is this going to go on? Are you planning on staying Port Angeles indefinitely?"
I wished I could tell her yes, just to see the look on her face, but the truth was that she probably already knew or would soon know that Alice was leaving. "No," I answered. "Alice is getting married next Saturday and then she's moving to Texas to live with Jasper. The lease on her apartment is up three days after the wedding."
"So after that you'll come home?" she asked, the corners of her lips lifting upwards in a smile. I shrugged vaguely, and Renee was so happy that she didn't notice it.
"Oh, it will be so good to have you home again!" she smiled. "I know you think I'm crazy but I worry about you so much. You're my baby and I never want to see you get hurt."
I forced a smile but kept silent. What was there to say? Because I knew—I had always known— that Renee thought she was doing what was best for me, in her own screwed up way. She had been so young when I was born, and she hadn't known how to be a mother to me; it was too big for her so she'd run away without ever really trying. And now I was running away and she didn't know how to handle that either.
"I'm sorry I upset you," I said, my voice low and almost robotic.
"That's okay Isabella!" she cried, jumping up to hug me tightly. I let her, loosely hugging her back. "Everything will be alright when you come back to us."
I nodded absently. "I should get going. Alice will be wondering where I am."
She nodded tightly, and I could tell that any mention of Alice upset her. She hugged me again and made me promise not to go so long without hearing from me. I felt more distanced from her than ever before… my poor, clueless mother. It made me sad.
A gloom hung over me the whole ride back to Port Angeles. The feeling that I had never had my mother, never really gotten to know her… and now with so little time left, I wasn't even sure I wanted to.
…
At last, the day of the wedding arrived. The days preceding it had been busy—extra busy for me because I'd wanted to give Alice some time to simply enjoy her wedding week with Jasper so I'd taken over some of her tasks. I was looking forward to it being over however: weddings were more work than I'd realized.
It was a rare sunny Saturday, although I had the feeling that even a little rain wouldn't have dampened Alice's enthusiasm. Jasper had been banished to a hotel the night before, leaving Alice's sister Cynthia and I to keep the bride company. Cynthia was very similar looking to Alice: she was almost as tiny as her sister, and her hair was cut in a short pageboy style. She obviously worshipped the ground Alice walked on. We had gone bridesmaid dress shopping together in Seattle and I honestly liked her. She was very sweet and earnest and excited that her sister was getting married, unlike the rest of their family from what I gathered.
We had had a fun couple of hours of manicures, popcorn and sappy chick flicks before going to bed way too late the night beforehand. It would have been fine except Alice's mother, who looked so upset that it seemed she would burst into tears at any second, invaded the apartment at a god-awful hour the next morning. I'd finally had to banish her to the living room while Alice got dressed because I wasn't sure Alice could take that extra stress.
When I had first seen Alice in her wedding dress at the bridal store, my mouth had literally dropped open. It was the most beautiful, unusual but perfectly appropriate thing I had ever seen, and it fit Alice's personality perfectly. I should have known that she wasn't the type to go for a huge ball gown. Instead, it was a pale off white chiffon that set off her dark hair and creamy skin perfectly. A light yellow sash wrapped around her tiny waist, accented with an exquisite fabric flower on her hip.
The unusual thing about the dress was the length, which fell right below the knee. The skirt flared out dramatically with layer after layer of tulle that almost reminded me of a ballerina's tutu. Add to that a pair of killer heels and a sheer blusher and I was pretty sure the guests would be talking about Alice for a while.
I was wearing a simple spaghetti strap dress with intricate crochet work a long the top and hem. Cynthia's dress was very similar, except hers came with delicate cap sleeves. The dresses were several shades lighter that yellow on the sash of Alice's dress, and had an almost antique quality to them that I loved.
The ceremony took place in a small chapel. It was filled to the brim with people that I guessed must be Jasper's family and other friends from out of town, since I didn't recognize many faces in the crowd. Mrs. Brandon was sitting in the front pew crying quietly, but I was pretty sure they could be mistaken for happy tears at least. In contrast, Jasper's parents, who I'd met at the rehearsal dinner, were beaming ecstatically. It was no wonder that Alice was so willing to move to Texas. Jasper stood at the alter looking happy and freaked out and like he wished that the whole thing was already over.
I'd been peeking through the chapel doors—ostensibly spying for Alice, but I was also looking for Edward. He hadn't said one way or the other if he was coming to the wedding, but I could understand why he might be hesitant to. There were several people from Forks here—people like Alice's mother who lived on gossip and would have no problem whispering about it for weeks afterwards. They would probably stare and whisper behind his back; this was Alice's day, I knew he wouldn't want to cause any negativity.
Still… Edward was just as likely to say 'fuck 'em,' and come anyway to support his friends.
There was no sign of him in the chapel however, and I felt a wave of disappointment wash over me. Alice had gotten my hair and makeup done and I was wearing heels and a pretty dress… I looked pretty good I thought, for me anyway. I would have liked Edward to see me all done up.
What is it about weddings that make them go by so fast? In no time at all it seemed, a bouquet had been thrust into my hands and I was walking down the aisle. Moments later the wedding march began to play and Alice was gliding towards us, alone and ethereal, the veil and all the chiffon making her look like a perfect, porcelain ghost. A slow smile spread across her face and she didn't once take her eyes off Jasper, or he take his eyes from her.
I held my breath, struggling not to get teary, knowing that something beautiful was happening in front of me. I blinked them away and glanced out towards the crowd. Alice's mother wasn't crying anymore, but she looked like she wanted to; everyone was smiling, a few people were crying… And there, in the very back of the chapel, leaning casually against the doorway with his arms folded in front of him, was Edward.
Our eyes met and Edward's lips quirked upwards in response, his eyes crinkling at the corners. No one could see him except those standing at the front and I knew he had planned that in his own quiet, unobtrusive, but always supportive way.
The ceremony was short and sweet. Alice didn't cry, just beamed glowingly from ear to ear; Jasper had a couple close calls but managed to hold it together. When it was over, everyone clapped and yelled and Alice threw herself at Jasper and gave him a huge kiss, making everyone laugh.
I watched as Edward tipped his head at Alice and mouthed "congratulations" when she finally turned towards the crowd. Alice grinned and she blew him a kiss and waved as he disappeared as quietly as he had come.
Then followed all those silly traditions that everyone hates but endures anyway, like posing for pictures, and pointless small talk and receiving lines. I shook endless hands and nodded and murmured in agreement when they repeated over and over again wasn't it beautiful? and doesn't Alice look gorgeous? and they look so happy together, when really I was looking past them, trying to catch a glimpse of Edward somewhere in the crowd.
I knew he was probably already gone but I didn't want to admit it. I wanted to find him and make him promise to come to the reception so we could dance during all the sappy love songs and sip champagne, and if I got a little lightheaded it would be okay because Edward would be there and he'd never let anything bad happen to me. I wanted him to drive me home so I wouldn't have to go back to the apartment alone. I wanted us to sneak off together and look up at the stars and maybe kiss him again. I wanted him nearby so I wouldn't have to face the overwhelming love and sweetness emanating from Alice and Jasper with each small look and touch, alone.
I just needed him. And not only today, but every day. That was the honest, unavoidable truth and there wasn't any point in pretending otherwise anymore. I sighed and turned my attention back to the present. Alice was still here and I had to make sure the car that would take the married couple to the reception was here, and then there were probably caterers, DJ's, and cakes and whatever else that would need sorting. Plenty of things left to distract myself with.
In the end, it was everything that Alice had wanted. The food was delicious, the music was good. Alice was whirl of energy as she went around hugging and chatting with all her quests, with strong quiet Jasper following behind her, an enormous satisfied grin on his face. The sky stayed a bright vivid blue and the mountains across the Juan de Fuca strait were clear and gorgeous. I should have known that Alice would be right when she promised perfect weather when I'd warned against having an outdoor wedding.
The reception took place at a beautiful little inn, nestled right between the woods and the sea; the wide grassy lawn that led right up to the cliffs perfectly accommodated the big tent Alice had finally agreed on. All around us were the sweet smelling flowers of the owners' English garden. When dusk came, I snuck out and lit all the votive candles that Edward and I had scattered throughout the yard the night before and switched on the twinkle lights and soft Japanese lanterns, and glowed inside when everyone commented that it looked like a magical wonderland.
I smiled all night—and they were real smiles too, not for the benefit of anyone but me. I had a wonderful talk with Jasper's eccentric uncle and laughed more at his risqué jokes than I ever had in my life. I danced with some of Alice's cousins and smiled shyly when they flirted with me.
And I couldn't shake the sense that something was missing from all this. Was that what falling in love meant? Never feeling complete until he was nearby? Needing only a small smile or look to feel that everything would be okay? Wanting to share big moments and little moments alike?
The night wore down and after a long hug and whispers of thank you, thank you, thank you from Alice and Jasper I waved them off as everyone blew bubbles and cheered.
I was the last one to leave, a little before midnight. When I arrived back at the apartment, I stood in the doorway for a few minutes taking in the silent, dark rooms. It all looked utterly barren and deserted. The bright artwork on the walls were gone, only a few miscellaneous boxes and pieces of furniture remained, ready to be shipped to Austin the next day. But the emptiness went deeper than lack of decorations, everything was different without Alice.
I had hardly gotten five hours of sleep during the past three days so I was mind-numbingly tired. My feet ached and I just wanted to put on my pajamas and go to bed but I wasn't quite ready for that yet. I slipped off my high heels and sat on the floor in the middle of the living room, wrapping my arms around my knees.
It was a bittersweet moment. On one hand, I was thrilled for Alice; her new life was starting and I knew that she and Jasper were going to be wonderfully happy together. I was blessed that she had asked me to move in with her—it had completely changed my life. And feeling sad because was over now. In two days I would be leaving this apartment… to what I wasn't quite sure yet.
I sat there for almost a half an hour, letting my body unwind after what had been a satisfying but stressful day. Finally, I picked myself up, yawning, and went to my bedroom. All of the furniture except for the bed was gone, but being in this room was far less painful than anywhere else in the apartment.
I paused when I saw a wrapped box with a big yellow bow placed in the middle of my bed. I stared down at it in puzzlement, looking for a note but not finding one, and then cautiously began to unwrap it. Inside was the dove gray dress that I had admired during my first tour of Alice's store. I pulled it out, staring in amazement as the silk shone in the moonlight. How on earth had she known? There was a note tucked at the bottom; I pulled it out and in Alice's looping, hurried scrawl was written:
Bella-
I know how skeptical you are of my 'feelings' but after reconnecting with you in that diner I'm more certain than ever that they exist and that to ignore them is to miss out on something wonderful. Having you back in my life has been wonderful, one of the best things that's ever happened to me in fact.
I noticed before how you looked at this dress—now, don't shake your head Bella, you aren't as transparent as you think you are! This is my small, inadequate thank you for everything you've done. I never could have survived the past few months without you.
Every woman needs a beautiful dress… and one of my 'feelings' is telling me you're going to need this sooner rather than later. Don't be afraid Bella, you're going to get everything you want, you deserve it. Good luck.
Love, Alice
Well, fuck.
Alice really could see the future. There was no point in denying that anymore. I fingered the soft material and knew it was a sign. I hoped that Alice was right when she said that all her feelings led to something wonderful, I would need that kind of certainty if I was going to—well, if I was going to be brave enough to wear this dress.
Oooh, pretty cryptic. Where do you think Bella will wear the dress? I'd love to hear any theories.
