Chapter 9: The Unprepared.
For the next couple of days Clarence had regular visits from Dr Owens and his parents. His parents visited him twice a day. With every visit they brought more gifts and personal possessions to decorate his room. He now had a poster of Aberdale football team taped to his wall, and on his table he had a bowl of fruit, a stack of comics and magazines. Moving slowly, he was now getting out of bed and walking around his tiny room, but he would never venture out into the ward; he wasn't ready to meet strangers. Clarence had also started to take solid food and as the swelling of his lips reduced, he began to speak more fluently.
Dr Owens was happy with Clarence's progress, and she told him that it would soon be time for a cosmetic operation, a skin graft. Clarence tried to tell himself that, despite all that had happened, he was still the same person he had been before, but deep down he knew it was going to be hard. He now realised that being an extrovert took a lot of energy.
The two nurses and Clarence were a little more relaxed with each other now. Clarence now knew that the male nurse's name was Dylan Davis and that he supported Newcastle United. Nurse Ling had been born the same hospital she was now working in. She did her training in Central London and went straight to Aberdale Parkside, where she had wanted to work ever since she had been at school. He had spent quite a lot of time talking to Nurse Ling. She couldn't understand why he would want a picture of a football team on his wall and he was just beginning to understand why she only ever spoke of two role models in her life. The only role models she had were her mother and father who had both come to America penniless. They had taught themselves to speak English and made sure that she received the best education possible.
One morning Nurse Ling explained to Clarence that the time had come for him to have his first bath.
-It will hurt a little the first time, but that's why me and Nurse Davis are here-
Clarence hid his nervousness. –OK, where do we do it?-
-Right here-Nurse Ling replied.-You won't even have to leave your bed-
The nurses left the room and returned twenty minutes later maneuvering a trolley into the room. The trolley had various bottles and towels on the bottom shelf but on the top shelf and most noticeable was a large silver bowl and a large silver jug. Nurse Ling began to pour from the jug into the bowl whilst Nurse Davis told Clarence what has happening.
-In the bowl there is lukewarm water and Nurse Ling is adding a saline solution to it. Saline helps to reduce the risk of infection. What we are going to do next is wet these towels and gently pad them on to your skin. It will sting a little at first but you will soon get used to it-
-Don't worry-Nurse Ling interjected-it sounds worse than this-
-Yes, she's right-, Nurse Davis continued.-Just lie back and think of Aberdale team and it will over before you get to half-time-
Clarence eased his pyjamas off. He was then instructed to lie on his back so that he could see the first applications of the towels and not be fearful or taken by surprise. Clarence felt highly embarrassed by this…he hated being naked in front of the nurses, but his most overwhelming emotion was one of helplessness.
He hated not doing things for himself and he hated lying back and waiting for something to happen to him. He definitely couldn't think of Aberdale Team.
Nurse Ling dipped the small towels into the bowl, squeezed off the excess liquid and dabbed Clarence's skin lightly. She dipped each towel only once and dabbed with the greatest care. Clarence felt a mild burning sensation when the towel first touched his skin but then it cooled quickly. After being cleaned from his toes up to his neck, Clarence turned down to lie face down. Nurse Davis placed a sterilised towel on the pillow and gently eased Clarence's face on to it.
Then his back received the same careful treatment. When the whole of his body was done, Nurse Ling gave the same treatment to his face. But now she was most careful. Every touch was gentle, so gentle that Clarence hardly felt a thing. Just a light tingly sensation that came after the applications. The whole process took half an hour.
When the nurses had left and Clarence was in his pyjamas again and back in the bed, he began once more to reflect on his situation. The bathing wasn't as painful as he had thought it would be, but his body did feel as if it had undergone a change. He turned his head to the left as far as it would go, and then to the right. He bent his head down as far as it would go and then up and back as far as it would go. He put his left hand in front of his face and slowly made a fist. As his finger tips pushed against his palm, it felt as if the tender skin would crack. Although he didn't have the strength to form a firm fist, he was pleased that he could at least now make a weak one. He then repeated the action with his right hand.
There was a knock on the door. Clarence quickly put his hands down. No one had knocked on the door before. His first thought was that he police had come for the real questioning. He said nothing. The door handle turned slowly and to his surprise Sophie's face appeared at the edge of the door. –Hello, can we come in?-She seemed nervous.
-Yeah, come in. Who's we?-
Sophie entered, followed by Sumo and then Jeff. –It's me-…-And me-
Clarence sprang to life. There was much to talk about and he was glad to be speaking to people of his own age, better still his best friends. But atmosphere was tense. It was his friends: they were nervous. Sophie perched on the edge of the bed, and the two boys took the seats.
-So, how's the outside world?-Clarence enquired
-The same-Jeff replied-How come you ain't got a telly-
-I dunno, I haven't really thought about television-
-And radio?-Sophie asked
-I haven't listened to radio either. Have you ever listened to hospital radio? It's bad for your health-
They all laughed at Clarence's joke. Then there was an uncomfortable pause.
-So, you don't even know what's happened to Aberdale team?-Sophie asked.
-No. What's happened?-
-Nothing-She smiled-They haven't played-
Clarence noticed that none of the three had looked him in the face while he was looking on them, but the moment his eyes were off them, he could feel them staring. The talk was trivial until Sumo brought up the subject of the press. –Have you seen the Newspaper?-
-No-
-We're in it guy, and it don't look good-
-What does say?-Clarence asked
-It says stuff about the crash-Sumo replied-It says DRUG DEALER KILLED IN CAR CRASH. It named us, made me and you sound like druggies-
-I don't want to say this but I got to-Jeff interrupted-I told you, I said you were mad to get in that car-
Voices started to be raised until Sophie calm everyone down. –Look, newspapers always make things sound bad. Have you got any good music?- Sophie looked towards the Walkman as she asked.
-I haven't really listened to any-Clarence replied-but I'm sure it's just my old stuff. Do me a favour and bring me some rap music in-
Sophie smiled.-No problem-
They had now been in the room for nearly half an hour and no one had said anything about Clarence's face until Clarence himself asked Sumo about his injuries. –So, what happened to you, then?-
Sumo lifted up his black shirt to show that his lower torso was wrapped in a large bandage and his right wrist was bandaged. –A couple of broken ribs and a fractured wrist…I was in the Hospital for a couple of days. What about you, guy?-
-Well, what can I say? No broken bones, no fractures, a few cuts and bruises on my body and I am still here. I'm sorry, Sumo, man, it was all my fault. I shouldn't have told you to get into the car-
-Forget it, man, things happen. How were you to know things would end up like this?-
-But, I should have been able to see that those two were nutters and that that car was nicked. It's my fault-Clarence held his head down as he spoke.
Silence fell in the room. No one knew how to respond. Jeff felt he had to. –It's no one's fault. Are you in a lot of pain?-
-Yeah but I got used to it now. It feels pretty normal after a while-
-Do you know when you'll be out?-Sumo asked.
-No, but I know I'll be out…soon-
Clarence desperately wanted to ask his friends about his face. But he didn't want to sound too serious.
-Do you think you could handle a friend as ugly as me?-
There was another uncomfortable silence before Sophie spoke.
-Don't say that, Clarence, you'll soon be better-
-I won't get much better-Clarence replied-So-He continued, looking at Jeff, -is there such a thing as The Gang of Three without me?-
Jeff replied quietly. –As far as I'm concerned you're still my mate-
Sumo quickly changed the conversation and began to ask Clarence how the hospital staff were treating him. But the conversation seemed staged and artificial, and soon it was time for visitors to go. Almost as if planned, Sumo and Jeff left, leaving Sophie alone with Clarence. Sophie stood close to Clarence. Clarence held his hand out to her. She looked at it before gently taking hold of it. She felt the rough jagged skin of his hand an he felt the smooth, silk-like texture of hers. For a moment they looked at each other in silence, Clarence's eyes fixed upon Sophie's but Sophie found it difficult: her eyes shifted to the left, then onto Clarence, then to the right, then back to Clarence.
-Ain't you going to give us a kiss then?-Clarence asked.
Sophie stood expressionless, she didn't speak, and Clarence could see that she had no idea how to reply.
-I'm only joking-Clarence said, letting go of her hand.
-I'd better go now-Sophie said-I'll bring you some rap tapes tomorrow-And she went.
Clarence was left now knowing what to think. These were his closet friends and they had found it so difficult facing him. He felt like a kind of anger towards them but then he thought of how he would have reacted if he had been in their position. He convinced himself that he would have reacted much better. He also tried to convince himself that he would have kissed Sophie if the roles were reversed but in truth he wasn't sure.
Then, without warning, more negative thoughts flooded into his mind. Maybe I deserved this. Maybe this is a punishment from God. Maybe I should have believed in God more. Maybe no one will like me. Thoughts like this tormented him until he became another voice in his head. I shouldn't be the leader of the gang, I have brought pain and unhappiness to my friends and my parents. Maybe I should have died. He began to shake, he felt like running anywhere to escape from himself. At that point when the voice seemed so loud that he felt his head was going to burst, he pressed the red emergency button by his bed. A nurse he didn't know ran into the room.
-What's the matter?-she said
-I want to see Alan, the Scottish man, the counsellor-Clarence said, speaking quickly-And I want a mirror-
-I'm sorry-she said.-I'm not sure if I can give you a mirror without authorisation. Let me get Mr Green-
The nurse left the room walking as fast as she could without running. When she returned, she was panting as if she had run miles. –Mr Green will be with you in 5 minutes, Ok?-
-OK-Clarence replied. –I'm all right now. I just want to be left alone until he comes-
-Are you sure you're all right?-said the nurse
-Yes, I'm all right-Clarence shouted-I just wanna see Alan and I just wanna see me-
In less five minutes Alan arrived. He still seemed to be wearing a smile. –What can I do for you, mate?-he said sitting at Clarence's bedside.
Clarence replied, -I'm just fed up, man. I just had a visit from my friends and my girlfriend and they all acted like they hardly knew me-
Alan's voice became lower but the smile was still there. –This is to be expected, Clarence. The first thing you have to do is to come to terms with the way you are. Once you've done that you have solved many of your problems. As far as your friends are concerned, well, they have to figure out their own problems. They have to come to terms with themselves. The also have think about how see you, and sometimes, Clarence, you may find that you will have to help know how to deal with the situation-
Clarence reached out to take the mirror that Alan was holding in his hand. –Can I kepp this mirror in here?-Clarence asked.
-Are you sure you want to? It may no be such a good idea-
Clarence raised his voice slightly, his tone assertive. –I want to, I know what I want. You said I've got to come with terms with the way I look, so I am. I want to see me, and I want to see me when I like, OK?-
Passing Clarence the mirror Alan said quietly, -All right, just don't torture yourself. You're still the same guy. And remember that I am one member of staff you can get any time. The nurses can even ring me at home, so use me if you need me-
Clarence felt much better after the conversation with Alan. He realised that nothing was solved, but he needed to sound off someone and that was what Alan was there for. Soon Alan was saying goodbye, leaving Clarence to sleep with the mirror leaning against the Fruit Bowl, Clarence had decided that he wanted to see himself when he woke up.
