This is basically a generic parody of the plot and characterization stereotypes in FE fandom with plenty of narrative snark and a surprise ending. Enjoy!


It was a dark and foggy (you thought I was gonna say stormy, didn't you? HA!) night, and Eliwood's Elite was preparing to battle evil. Eliwood stood like a proud beacon of justice and honor and perfect lordliness because he's soooo generic and stuff except he's actually not.

"Come, my dearest friends! Together, as a team, we will end Ceiling Cat's reign of terror so that we may masturbate in peace!" Wait, what? Let's try that again. "Together, we will fight the evil that comes our way and make the world a better place, because we are the heroes and we are right!"

"HAH! Being good is dumb, let's fight in the arena all night instead!" shouted Hector, being the brute he is. Or is he a badass who's superior to Eliwood in every way? I keep forgetting. Anyway, he wanted to do something else but since the complainer is always wrong, he agreed to fight evil by torchlight like they were supposed to.

"Come on, let's all be optimistic and smile for the good of Mother Earth and Father Sky!" Lyn cheered, then suddenly began to bawl. "I MISS SACAE SOOOOO MUCH!"

"There there, Lyn, it's okay," the cute moe girl Florina said as she comforted her friend's shoulder. THEY'RE JUST FRIENDS, PEOPLE, YURI IS GROSS! No, wait, it's not. They're totally having hot lesbian sex with each other. She let Lyn cry on her until Sain swaggered over being a total perverted lech as usual.

"Fear not, lovely ladies, as my magical gallant penis will sex your fears away!" he said. Upon seeing there was a man nearby, Florina became a quivering mass of fear and ran to hide in a corner.

"Sain! Stop being so perverted and do your job, for it is our sworn duty as knights to be chivalrous and good and morally pure!" Kent scolded. Sain immediately shrank back and began to wibble.

"I'm sorry, Kent, I didn't mean to upset you," he pouted. If he upset Kent, the redhead would never return his love! Wait, no, he's straight, he likes boobs and vaginas and stuff. Not gay. No.

"Hey stop fighting everyone we're here to have fun and fight for friendship and justice and candy bars!" Wil said while he bounced around like an airhead on a sugar high. "Hey Rath! Wanna make out?"

"..." said Rath. Like he always did. He has no emotions or speech capabilities, doncha know.

"EEEEEEERK!" a shrill and annoying and eeeeeeevil voice rang from far away, and everyone covered their ears for the annoying pink devil had arrived!

"Oh please, Elimine, end my miserable life now and forever so I may never have to look at that vile whore again, I beg of you!" Erk bawled. Everyone nodded in agreement except Bartre, who was smashing his head into rocks. And some other guy...what was his name again? Fighter, brown hair-oh yeah, Dorkus. DORCAS. He was just there. Like always. Cause he's got no personality and stuff.

Meanwhile, Raven was going back and forth between making out with Lucius and grumbling that he wanted Ostia dead and stuff about revenge, while Priscilla sat as still as a princess statue, quietly angsting over her love for her brother which was very incestuous. She hated Lucius soooo much for taking away her one true love...actually, she was very very torn. She had romantic feelings for four other guys because she was a big slut, you see. But she didn't realize three of these guys were gay and the other one wanted to bone Serra.

"Everyone, can we please stop the fighting and do what this army is supposed to do?" Marcus said like the boring old drone he is. Everyone shuddered because the sound of that EXP-stealing Jeigan voice was evil enough to sap them of all their energy. Evil Marcus, eeeeevil! Eliwood made a mental note to stuff the man he admired like a second father into a closet for the upcoming fights. Hey, just cause he admires the guy doesn't mean he has to like him and stuff.

"Yeah, cause if we don't battle I can't get paid!" whined Farina, who only cared about money and nothing else. Except humiliating her sister, of course. And pissing off her other sister until that vein popped out on her forehead. "By the way, everyone, Fiora was masturbating over Kent the other day and Florina loves Hector!"

Hector was struck with a sudden sense of overwhelming desire to protect the shrinking violet Florina...but damn, Lyn was hot! And of course, he loved Eliwood and wanted to keep that bitch Ninian away from him. Right now Ninian was whining and crying and clinging to Lord Eliwood like a damsel in distress. Bitch. And her brother Nils was eating sugar. Or brooding. Or both. Something. He's not important.

Florina ran off the battlefield with her sparkling teardrops floating behind her. She loved Hector sooooo much, but she was so afraid of men and she could never tell him and Farina would steal him because she was mean like that.

Fiora started to sputter and look like she was about to pick up an entire building to drop on her sister's head. How dare Farina talk like that, it was improper and immoral and rude! Fiora was so responsible and morally pure, after all. Unless she was flirting with Erk or being sexually repressed over Kent. Anyway! She started yelling and sputtering and scolding Farina and Farina just stood there and laughed her ass off like the bitch she is.

"HEY EVERYONE LISTEN UP AND STOP THIS CRAP WE HAVE A BATTLE TO FIGHT!" said the amazingly ordinary tactician with the mysterious boring past, flowing gray hair, sparkling gray eyes and the magical power of put everyone to sleep with boringness.

So all the personal drama stoppped and the fight began. Yawn, combat and fighting are so boring because nothing happens. Suddenly, a zombie popped out of the bushes and grabbed Lyn!

"HELP! SAVE ME!" cried the action girl, who was now a faux action girl because once a girl gets in trouble she automatically becomes a weepy little wimp who needs her true love to rescue her.

"Lady Lyndis, please do not be afraid, for I will come and rescue you!" Kent said valiantly.

"Hey, no fair, it's my turn to rescue her and have a sappy scene with her this week!" Hector whined.

"...I will go. Because she is the love of my life and we have a kid together in the future," Rath said.

"B-but she's my best friend..." Florina stuttered, wringing her hands.

"I never get to save her," Eliwood whined. "She is the one I love. Let me go and rescue her from the zombie."

"B-b-but L-Lord Eliwood..." Ninian whined with tears wobbling in her eyes. "I-I-I thought you loved me..."

"Sorry, Ninian, but you're not kickass enough for me. I only like girls who can fight," Eliwood said. Ninian began to cry yet again and Nils started kicking Eliwood in the shins for being mean to his sister.

Meanwhile, Legault was trying to rape Heath while Matthew was extorting sexual favors from Guy, who secretly liked it. Lowen was cooking up a storm because Lowen only exists to talk about food. And Marcus. Rebecca and Nino were having girltalk, Jaffar was sitting by himself-

"OMG IT'S THE BASTARD WHO KILLED MY BELOVED LEILA!" Matthew screamed loud enough to wake the dead. A catfight ensued and Oswin, finally not being boring for once, dragged Matthew away kicking and screaming like a wounded jaguar. On the way off the field they almost tripped over Pent and Louise, who were making out, and Canas, who was jerking off to his dark magic books.

And more battle stuff, yadda yadda yadda, let's skip this and go to Lyn and her love interest of the week, shall we?

-x-

Lyn awoke from her fainting spell in the warm, strong arms of...VAIDA?

"Thank you for saving me," she said in a totally cute girlish way. Vaida, despite being a total savage, melted and declared her undying love for the Sacaen princess. And then they had hot sex.