Emmett POV

Esme snatched the outfit out of Carlisle's lap and held it up for us to see. We all burst out in laughter when we saw Carlisle's nickname at the hospital stitched above the pocket. Dr. McDreamy. It was hilarious. The ER nurses had dubbed him that after a television show. Edward had shared with Jasper and I some of the fantasies they concocted. Needless to say we had enjoyed ribbing him with them. Esme would probably tear a few heads off is she knew about all the close encounters Carlisle had thwarted. I bellowed out, "See, Rose, I told you you're never too old to play doctor."

As a barrage of pillows landed on me, I realized that Rose hadn't even cracked a smile, obviously still in a snit about the cursing thing. Now that he had gone verbal on us, Henry and I needed to have a little talk. There were certain things that a father and son should keep secret between them. Heaven only knew how much Carlisle had helped me cover up.

It wasn't the first time I'd been in trouble with her, and it certainly wouldn't be the last. I knew from experience that our make up session would be more than worth it; I'd have her purring by the end. Jake had already offered to take on Henry tonight. I would make it worth his while, assuming the reservation was still standing come morning. Henry, the little con artist, was looking up at her adoringly with those blue eyes. He had Rose so whipped.

"Okay Henry, you're first," Alice giggled.

"No, Uncle Jasper and Uncle Edward always tell me that ladies go first, so Mama gets to open hers," Henry said with flawless sincerity. With a dazzling smile, Rose grabbed Henry and hugged him to her breast. I'm sure Carlisle would tease me about Freud if I told him that I almost got jealous of my son.

Still cradling our son against her, she reached down and picked up a small package. It had to be from either Edward or Bella, because it had a note attached. For a moment, I wondered if Edward was taking full advantage of the book Jake had bought for them. I made a mental note to call the hotel to inquire into any damages in the room. It would never go without saying that any ammunition I could get on him would be worth the effort.

She read the note aloud: Rosalie, I apologize for our absence. I found this on-line and felt that you, and consequently the family, may benefit from its lessons. Love, Edward

She tore the paper off to find a book titled: Cell Phone Etiquette: What to say and not say over the cell phone. By: Michelle Cimino

As she looked at the title in shock, I burst out laughing. Oh Hell yeah! My baby brother had grown some balls. I couldn't believe he had the audacity to tease her about that ill-fated call.

Henry reached up to take the book out of her hands, confused at what would cause Rose to become so still so quickly. As he opened the page an invoice sheet fell out. Jasper reached down to retrieve the paper, and glanced at it. He began snickering and said, "Hey, everyone, even better. The place he ordered it from: Bellaonline dot com."

Carlisle and Esme froze, obviously hoping to keep from setting Rose off, but it was obvious from their faces they were having a hard time containing their humor. I just enjoyed the moment as she continued to stare at the book (I knew I was in the doghouse already). Jacob and Nessie were looking at Rose with concern. I wondered what was going on in her head, and looked over at Jasper to see if he could interpret her emotions. He was smirking.

Finally, Rose twitched and broke out into a smile. "I wonder if they have a follow up book. Decision Making 101 - How to act instead of react? Steps for logical decision making."

Everyone else in the room relaxed once they realized that Rose was in a playful mood. That couldn't always be said for this game, as she had stormed off on several occasions. This should prove quite entertaining.

"Just change his ring tone from you, Rose. Decide on something that will make him pause. May I suggest "Relax" by Frankie Goes To Hollywood?" Alice giggled, clearly enjoying dishing on Edward in his absence.

That was an excellent suggestion, talk about getting on his nerves. "I think we should all do that," I suggested. I was envisioning Edward rolling his eyes every time he received a call. It was an amusing thought.

"I have a better suggestion. I'll let everyone borrow some of my aluminum foil to make caps, and that way he will only be left with his own thoughts to agonize over. Wouldn't that drive him crazy?" Jacob laughed.

Carlisle's eyes lit up. "I'm envisioning more of the scene from Fried Green Tomatoes. I think we should meet him, when they come back from Chicago, wrapped completely in aluminum foil."

Wow, I was actually proud of Carlisle for getting in on the scheming.

Esme attempted to bring us into control, "Rose, perhaps we can just send the two of you to a communication retreat?"

"Please," I snorted derisively, "that conversation would end up as a special report on CNN."

The group laughed as Rose shook her head and took the next present that Henry offered her. It was another hospital bag so I was guessing this was Carlisle's present. Opening it, she pulled out a boy doll with black hair and blue eyes. She cocked her head to one side, confused, as she pulled out another male doll with blond hair and golden eyes. This doll was dressed in a doctor's uniform.

Carlisle grinned as he began to explain. "I spoke with a therapist at the hospital. She stated that 'empty chair' therapy is a good way to handle unresolved issues. I know what a visual person you are so I bought you two dolls to put in your 'empty chair.' One to deal with Henry as he grows up, and one to deal with your 'father issues.'"

Alice and Esme started giggling as Rose's mouth fell open. Wow, even Carlisle was going to challenge her this year. Clearly, Carlisle and Edward were counting on motherhood to mellow my Rosie out. My evening could prove to be very interesting indeed. Perhaps I should help them tweak her a little. I internally grinned in anticipation.

I adopted a vaudeville Austrian accent, "Vhat we have here is a classic case of the Electra complex. The female, here ve shall call her Patient A, desires her father and the things he can give her. But conflict is present. While she desires his gifts on one hand, she detests them on the other. Resolution will only occur when Patient A can resolve her pen…" I stumbled for a moment realizing what I was about to say and hearing Jacob's growling, " … envy." I ended on a grin. Although I knew Jung had actually coined the phrase, much to Freud's consternation, it was too good of an opportunity to pass up.

"Such wisdom, particularly coming from the man that perfectly personifies the 'Id'," Jasper threw his hat into the mix. "I've never seen a more blatant example of the pleasure principle run amok in my life."

Carlisle snickered and Alice turned her golden gaze upon him. "Have something to say, Mr. Ego?"

He laughed, "Well somebody around here has to be the mediator between Emmett and Edward."

The room burst out in laughter as we realized that Carlisle had just dubbed Edward the "Superego." Hmmm. I'd never thought about it, but his morality and "doing the right thing" complex did fit perfectly.

Jasper grabbed the blond doll, holding it in front of his face, and adopted a fairly good imitation of Rose's voice. "How dare you turn me into this ravishing creature. I was close to perfect already."

Jasper was treading on thin ice here. I wondered if his comment would ruin the moment. Rose's face however tilted in a humorous slant.

She picked up the 'Henry' doll. Mocking Jasper's voice, but intentionally adding just a little too much twang, she whispered, "Henry, suun, what have you dun to my buuks? Thems was first editions!"

She continued speaking, mimicking Henry, "But mama said it was okay to use them to draw on."

Jasper gave as good as he got. "Henry, this sander will be fine to polish the car with. It'll provide just the right amount of texture to the paint."

Esme shook her head and laughed, interrupting their mock bickering, "Our family is a psychoanalyst's dream…"

"Or nightmare," Henry perked up. How ironic he would come up with those terms.

Jacob turned to Nessie, "Wow. Nessie, now that I think about it. I'm not sure hanging around your family is such a good idea. Too many unresolved desires, swirling conflict, and ego problems." They grinned at each other.

"Well Jacob, at least we only have to deal psychological issues, you have the whole collective consciousness. The pack is the stuff built of sociologist's dreams," Rosalie challenged him.

I snickered at my wife. She had scored a point on Jacob for that one. Henry handed Rose the next gift as she and Jacob mock glared at each other. I saw Jacob's eyes shift slightly downward, taking in the present, and a smile replaced the scowl on his face.

Nessie spoke up. "That one is from Jake and me."

Rose un-wrapped the paper to find another book: Parenting for Dummies. Jasper burst out laughing, feeling the undercurrent of humor in the room. Rose's glare darted to him, but he was unable to get himself under control.

"I … I'm … just feeling what … they are … can't help it," he panted out.

Alice tried to keep a straight face from atop her perch on his legs, but his humor was infectious. She looked at Rose grinning, swinging her wolf clad feet in reminder. "Maybe there will be some helpful hints," she said, just before exploding.

"We looked for a Parenting for Blondes book, but we couldn't find one. We even looked in the books-on-tape section when we remembered that blondes can't read," Jake added, raising his eyebrows Rose in challenge.

Henry had taken the book out of Rose's hands, and Alice reached over to take it from him. "Hey Rose, it says that there are sections on childhood growth and development, that should be really informative," she said, in a sarcastic tone.

Jasper pointed to the back of the book, "I think this section, Keeping a sense of humor, may be more pertinent. He looked at me, cracking a smile. I didn't have to be Edward to read his mind. He was remembering all the precarious moments Henry had already managed in the first weeks of his life.

Jacob held out his hand toward Jasper for the book. "I thought you might find these parenting definitions funny." He turned in the book and began reading.

"FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him/her

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Jacob slanted a knowing look my way at that one. I glared back, imagining my revenge. Just wait until he had kids. I was going to teach them every swear word I knew in the four languages I was fluent in. Let's see how he would feel about his puppies swearing at him in French. He continued:

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house..."

Henry started laughing. "Uncle Jake, tell momma the blond joke you told me the other day."

Rose stared at Jake with an arch expression, challenging his nerve to tell Henry jokes behind her back.

Henry continued, "You know, the one you told me about why she bought her car?"

Jacob shifted, looking decidedly uncomfortable, so to be honest, I really wanted to hear this one.

Henry looked to Jacob and realized he wasn't going to give. He was the picture of innocence, but I had a feeling that my little guy was stirring the pot intentionally. He looked up at Rose and said, "Why do blondes drive BMWs?" He asked his mom, and continued when she didn't answer. "Because they can spell it."

We all snorted as Rose growled at Jacob. Alice whispered, but intentionally loud enough to be heard, "Perfect example of that Hearsay definition."

Carlisle chuckled. Rose looked up at him with a sour expression. "You're just lucky we were all out of that 'open mouth and embarrass your parents stage' when you got us."

Carlisle opened his eyes wide and looked right at me. "Really?" his cultured voice carried just the right amount of incredulousness. Esme's tinkling laughter chimed in as she looked at me as well, while nudging a gift toward Rosalie with her foot.

Henry grabbed the package and handed it to his mother. He smiled up at Esme as he told Rose, "This is from Nana."

Esme gasped, hearing that word for the first time. She flitted over and scooped up Henry, carrying him back to sit on her lap while she sat on Carlisle's. She started peppering kisses across his skin while she brushed the hair back from his face. Henry gave her the soulful eye look. My boy was good, really good. He was conning her into forgetting about the damage and destruction he had done to her flower garden, just this morning. She had threatened him with time out. It looked like he was maneuvering his way out of it. 'Nana', huh? Good way to honor her with being a grandmother without calling attention to the fact that she was old, like, really old.

Rose had torn through the paper and found yet another book. She grinned in good nature at Esme. Looking at me, she held up the book so that I could see the title: The Taming of the Shrew. Ah, this could be really good. Katherine was the more interesting character of the book. Quoting Shakespeare might be bad for my image, but it would be worth it if I got to tease my wife just a little.

"Such duty as the subject owes the prince, Even such a woman oweth to her husband," I murmured to Rose, grinning evilly.

"Small choice in rotten apples," she snarked back at me. From the look on her face, she was probably planning on handing me my "arse" later.

Still, I couldn't help myself. The family sat in eager anticipation to see what I would throw out next. So I decided to challenge her a bit and throw out some other lines.

"Then God be bless'd, it is the blessed sun: But sun it is not when you say it is not, And the moon changes even as your mind." Fickle woman, let's see how she responded to that.

Rose grinned serenely at me, "No profit grows where is no pleasure ta'en."

"Dude," Jacob interrupted. "She just called you out. No pleasure taken. Ha! Maybe I needed to get you that book instead."

Rose grinned over at Jake in appreciation. No way. Was she really going to gang up on me with him?

"Ah, sweet Rose. Your every wish, and be it moon, or sun, or what you please. Henceforth, I vow it shall be so for me."

Jasper gasped in laughter, "Rose, please don't wish for the moon. We've seen enough of those from Emmett over the past years. I'm still traumatized."

"Do you remember that poor family in Wyoming?" Esme laughed. "They almost ran off the road when Emmett and Edward passed them in the car. Carlisle and I thought perhaps the sun had reflected off Emmett. It wasn't until later that I found out what Emmett had done." Esme attempted to bring her tone back around to disapproval of me, but just didn't quite make it.

"My favorite was the teenage girl that actually did get a shot of Emmett's butt sparkling," Rose choked out. I shrugged modestly. I'd had to break into the girl's house and steal the film on that one, but I had won concert tickets off Jasper for it.

From Carlisle's expression, I could see that he still hadn't forgiven me for the last time I surprised him at the hospital. He was always so prim and proper that I just had to throw a monkey wrench in his life once in awhile. Rose smiled knowingly at Carlisle, obviously remembering the same incident.

She looked over to Jacob, explaining. "Emmett's most famous mooning incident happened in Alaska. He snuck into the hospital and posed as an emergency patient. When Carlisle came in with the ER nurse, Em was lying face down on the bed with a hospital gown on. Needless to say, certain attributes were prominently displayed." She giggled before continuing. "He'd gone and gotten one of those temporary tattoos. It wouldn't transfer to his skin, so he cut around the edges and laid it just on top."

Jacob started chuckling, "What did the tattoo say?"

Carlisle spoke up, clearing his throat, "Bite Me! I could have strangled him. The nurse grabbed his wrist to check his pulse and called a code blue. I had a very interesting time explaining where the body went."

Jacob snorted, before saying, "Rose, are you sure you aren't the shrew tamer in this relationship? It seems like Emmett has calmed down quite a bit since being in Forks."

I glared at the mutt. I'd show him tame. Wait until my darling niece wasn't around. I picked up the bag from Newton's Outfitters and tossed it to Rose. I had her other present upstairs, but the gag gift had to come first.

She untied the string and reached in to pull out a bottle of suntan lotion, a pair of awful sunglasses, several different styles of hair clips, and a hat that said: Soccer Mom. Finishing off the bag was two bumper stickers: "Soccer moms do it in the minivan" and "My other car is a BMW."

She growled at me. "I hope you didn't think I would actually put this on my car," she said, holding up the first of the stickers.

"Nope, they're actually for the minivan I'm having delivered. I bought it second hand. The salesman said it was in fairly decent shape. I just thought with our expanding family that you would need more room than the sports car. The owner of the car dealership said we could trade in if you didn't want to pay full price?"

"Perhaps the Jeep would be a good option for trade, Em," she countered, ignoring my challenge with a deadpan face.

I attempted to keep a straight face as Alice began snickering, and then went very still as if she was seeing one of her visions.

"Rose, I see it. It isn't too bad, if you don't mind butt ugly." She burst out laughing, and the group followed along with her at the look on Rosalie's face. Bless Alice's heart for playing along.

"I'm told on good authority that the other items are necessities for the perfect soccer mom," I said, pressing my luck just a little further.

"Yeah, I see that suntan lotion coming in handy," Jacob started laughing, looking over to Nessie. "Maybe if they use like 1000 spf the disco ball effect will go away."

"Stayin' alive, stayin alive, Ah … ah … ah … ah … staying alive, staying alive. Oh wait a minute that doesn't apply here," Nessie added, grinning mischievously at us all as she moved her finger u p and down in rhythm.

Rose rolled her eyes at Nessie and reached down to grab the next gift. Jasper grinned, so I was assuming that the present was his. Rose untied the bag and reached inside. She brought out a First Generation Ipod. This was one of the newer black and white models. She looked up to the group quizzically, wondering what the gag behind the gift was.

Jasper said, "It is from me."

"And?" Rose asked softly.

"I took the liberty of loading several programs for you. The first one is an Anger Management program by Dr. Phil. It's followed by a relaxation CD," he placed his hands in front of his chest as if he was doing yoga, bowing his head.

Rose's lip curled up in derision. Her stress reduction plan generally included pounding or dismantling something, or taking her aggression out on me. I had my preference, but I didn't always get my way. Jacob started humming what sounded like a Gregorian chant under his breath, and Alice picked up the tune as well. Esme and Carlisle looked on in glee, waiting to see what Rose would do. Henry grinned at his mother from Esme's lap.

She turned to Jasper. "I'm disappointed in your strategy this year, Jasper. Usually you give one of the cleverest gifts. The trash on here is easily rectified. I'll just record some good music over the 'mumble jumble." She looked to him smiling.

I wondered about the look on his face as he smiled. "Oh, Rose, I forgot one thing. Alice saw a recall happening this fall on that particular model. Something about the lithium ion battery breaking into spontaneous fire…"

The Ipod landed in a shattered heap as Rose tossed it to the floor. Alice and Jasper started pounding their legs in hilarity. Finally, Jasper looked up at the group. "Alice has already called in a complaint, but it looks like they won't start taking it seriously until this fall. She saw that yours was fine. Well, it was."

Even Rosalie began chuckling. She reached over and smacked the side of Jasper's leg, eliciting a yelp.

Nessie and Jake were shaking with their humor. Nessie said, "And I was anxious to see if Dr. Phil's techniques would work."

She then began to mimic Rose's voice. "Well, when I get mad I just hit my big oaf of a husband. I swear it's like trying to teach a grizzly bear table manners."

Her rendition of Dr. Phil's voice came next, "And how is that working for you, Rosalie?"

"Well it hasn't made any change in his behavior, but since he's a vampire and therefore pretty much incapable of changing, that is to be expected. But it does make me feel better," Nessie's 'Rosalie' voice answered.

"Vampire? Hmmm. Possibly our problem here goes far beyond the scope of a talk show. Have you considered hospitalization?"

The group exploded over Nessie's little performance. It took a few minutes before order ruled again.

The next package had a note attached, so it was obviously Bella's. As Rose reached for it, Alice spoke. "Mine and Bella's gifts go together."

Rosalie tore into the leftover Christmas paper that surrounded Bella's present. She opened the box and reached inside, pulling out a canister of Pepper Spray and a box that indicated it held a wireless taser. Rose held them up, clearly perplexed. Following the directions from Alice, she opened up the next box before asking any questions. The next item out made us all draw a collective breath. Alice had purchased Rose a male chastity belt. Looking at the assortment of items in Rose's lap, I grew a little nervous. I knew the mace wouldn't affect me and I was figuring that the stun from the gun would only feel like a tickle, so what the hell…?

Rose looked up at Alice, and I believe she would be blushing if she could. Jacob had already covered Nessie's eyes with his paw-like hands. "Alice?" she strangled out. "I'm pretty certain I won't be using these on Emmett."

"Silly. Bella bought her gifts because it's quite clear that you just don't scare away humans the way you would like to. She figured you could use the pepper spray and stun gun to chase any more humans away from the family."

"Why would I need to chase anyone else away? We're all mated," Rose queried.

Alice giggled, and her eyes shifted to Henry sitting in Esme's lap. "The belt isn't for Emmett. And we aren't all mated."

As Rose leapt to her feet, visions of grand-hybrids ran through my head. We all knew that Alice was seeing brief blurs of Nessie and Henry's future. We figured it had to do with her familiarity with them. Just what was Alice implying?

As she gained her feet, Rose roared, "WHAT HAVE YOU SEEN, ALICE?"

A/N: Bellaonline dot com is a true company and the book mentioned was found on that site. TRUE STORY! :)

Again, I cannot say enough good things about my two betas:

CullenFest - for her patience with me and my anxiety about writing. Visit her stories for good lemony experiences. She specifically wrote one of her chapters on Loving Edward for me - she is a doll.

Crmcneill - for his mighty red pen, and help in mapping out strategy. If you haven't read his story Downward Spiral you are missing an experience. It isn't a happily ever after story, but is an excellent read!