Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Playlist: http:/www(.)playlist(.)com/playlist/19826824715
Suggested Listening – Howard Shore – Jacob's Theme; E.S. Posthumus – Nara; Alexandre Desplat – Dreamcatcher; The Fray – Hundred.
Present Day
Jacob
The screen paused on an image of Bella's tear covered face. Though the rain had come down full force that day, her tears were still very visible to me. In this moment, I could feel them rolling down my own cheeks. Her pain was my pain.
Seeing it all happen again, watching it with my own eyes, made me question why I had made that decision. It seemed to come out of nowhere to Bella, and getting to feel how she felt tripled the regret. I had made a dumb, split-second decision to end our friendship. It seemed logical. I understood then, but not now. My heart hurt at the mere thought of ending our friendship today, yesterday, a month ago.
What had I been thinking? The hurt I caused her then seemed larger in my head than what it actually was. Perhaps, my own ego had boosted me somewhere I was not, somewhere I thought I had been. By the time I had figured out that she loved me, I was drowning. Bella being the water filling my lungs, and she being the oxygen I so desperately needed to survive.
All I have ever wanted for Bella was happiness. Contentment suited her. It made her skin glow, and her eyes twinkle. She wore her happiness on her sleeve. I cringed with shame at my willingness to throw everything we had down the drain. The sadness that had exploded inside of her was not reparable, but I was not the only culprit to her pain. Embry had walked away. He had taken with him a side of Bella that only came out on rare occasions. It was a side of her that only Charlie and I had the privy to see. Embry brought out the confident, carefree part of her. He was good for Bells. I knew it. That was one of the reasons I had let go.
I let go so she could be happy.
She had been everything to me, and I had messed it up by sleeping with her. I blamed myself for letting it all go too far. Sure, I had been in control of my actions, but there was an aura about the night Bella gave me her virginity. My mind worked on a far more inferior level than my heart. Things were going to change. I knew it when Embry bailed to go home, because his mom had gone off of her medication. In the car when Bella mentioned considering her was the turning point of the night.
I slowly opened the door, and peered through the crack. Bella was sleeping restlessly. Leaning my weight on the door, I gazed at the girl I called my best friend. Her hands were gripping the sheets of my bed, and her lips mumbled some random syllables. Bella let out a soft cry. Concern pulled me through the door and to the edge of my bed. I hated it when she had nightmares. If there was anything I could do, then I would do it, but nothing seemed to work. Even when I would sleep next to her, I would wake up with either a bloody nose or bruised ribs. It wasn't too often that Bella and I slept in the same bed anymore. She whined again. I lifted my hand and placed it on her arm. That seemed to calm her gasping breaths.
Her skin was warm, and soft – so soft. I ran my hand up her arm. The path I had chosen was already mapped out in my brain. I connected each freckle from her hand, to her elbow, to her shoulder, to her neck.
"Bella." Her name fell from my lips in a hushed whisper. My hand cupped her shoulder and gently moved her back and forth. My intent was only to wake her, to stop her nightmare in its tracks.
"Hmm?" Bella drew her lip into her mouth. My breath quickened. That was when my mind changed. A flash of images from earlier in the evening flooded my brain. I remembered the way her body responded to my floating hand. I had not touched her skin at the time, but I had wanted to. Bella needed to know what she did to me – physically. Emotionally was in question.
From its resting position, my hand drifted up Bella's shoulder, and hovered over her cheek. I scooted closer to her, finding it quenched that needy thirst in the pit of my stomach. A fire started in my chest and began to spread as I studied the way her lips seemed to draw a perfectly straight line, to the way her eyelashes flirted with her cheeks.
"Bells."
"Yeah?"
"Open your eyes." I tried to steady my hand. Although when her eyes drifted open, it shook on its own free will. The look in her eyes was painful to see, but I noticed it before she could draw it back inside.
Swiftly, I planted my lips on hers. I had only anticipated on kissing her to prove to her that she was considered, but once I felt her soft lips, I was uncontrollable. The friendship filter inside of my head been long forgotten. My hands drifted, caressed, and lingered across her skin until the urge to see her creamy skin became unbearable.
Bella had taken me by surprise when she took her shirt off. It was then that I knew where the situation was heading. Honestly, I was okay with it. With all of the change that had been thrown in our direction, I wanted to share something together. I wanted a part of me to always be with Bella, and a part of Bella to always be with me. No matter where we found ourselves after high school, we would always have that night. It may have been a dickhead move, but I was a teenage boy. It was how my thought process went. Everything somehow equaled sex.
I had known Bella was a virgin. We were best friends after all. Yet, as Bella tensed up, I was taken aback. The questions I had were more for Bella's well-being. I knew I could handle taking a step in that direction without it interfering with our friendship. I was not so sure that she could.
"Bella?" I asked in a quiet whisper.
In reply, she nodded her head assuring me that we would be okay.
"Please. I want this." Bella begged with swollen, red lips.
"Me too."
I wanted her to be in as little pain as possible. I had done this before, and knew it was not likely. I wanted to give her some type of release - something to grab, to scream into. And she did. Her nails dug into the tops of my shoulders, and her teeth scrapped my chest. It kept her scream muffled enough that only I could hear it. It was still ear-splitting, like she was being torn in two. Bella's shriek sent jolts of confidence through my veins. Being inside of her was like heaven. She fit perfectly around me. Even once she had adjusted to me, her walls still fit like a glove.
The barrier between us was unnerving. I wanted to feel her skin against mine, but I was not ready to be a father. That would ruin the rest of my life for sure. I kept with it though, and found that after a while all I could think about was being inside of Bella and how much that satisfied me.
When she came, it felt like someone had given me a million dollar reward. I had never been so gratified in my life, and it didn't take long for me to follow suit.
The talk we shared later in the night was something I had not counted on happening. I had figured Bella wanted more from me than what we already had. I, on-the-other-hand, was perfectly fine with where we were. We had shared more experiences and firsts together than any other best friends I knew. The things we did together were natural. They felt like the right path to be following, but the need to help Jessica was much louder than what I had with Bella. It sounded wrong that I felt the way I did, but I knew what it was like to have to deal with the loss of a parent alone. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
The following morning, when Bella and I had sex for a second time, I did not think twice. My soul acted by its own free will. It satiated my needs. It quenched an unrelenting thirst that had been lingering inside of me for years. And, Bella, well, she was nothing but spectacular. My heart warmed in her presence.
Our daily actions changed then. Whenever I was around Bella, I wanted to kiss her, to touch her, to comfort her. I did for the most part. And I apologized to her as much as I could, because I could see the hurt I caused. The last thing I wanted to do was inflict more emotional pain on her than she had already experienced.
Explaining the things I did about Jessica seemed to be the right move, in my head at least. I had not counted on Bella being so adamant about Jessica being a liar. It unnerved me. A part of me thought she was only jealous, and that jealousy was why she was being so unpleasant. However, a small piece of me wanted to believe Bella. She was my best friend, and would never mislead me - at least not intentionally.
Watching Bella interact with Embry was unsettling. He either held her hand, or touched her thigh when Bella seemed to get lost inside of her head. The looks she gave him were sweet and hopeful. Yet, when she looked at me there was a brighter something in her eyes. It was almost as if they lightened a shade or two when I was in her line of sight. That put aside whatever fear that lingered below the surface about Embry. I knew then that he was important to her just not as important as me.
When Bells confessed to me that she wished her life was like a dream, it hurt. My chest seemed to cave in a little, but then she regressed by saying that she did not want it all to be a dream. To say that she was confusing me was well understated. Not only had she confided in me about her hopeful wishing, but she had also nearly lost all control when I cut my hair off.
It was not that important of a move, but I chopped it off to please Jess. I would have done anything she asked me to during that time. I did. Bella knew too. I think that was what upset her so much. She must have wondered why Jessica was so important to me that I would do something so dramatic for her. In my head, I did it for Jessica out of niceness. In reality, I did it out of guilt.
I swallowed sharply, and rested my elbows on my knees. My head fell forward, and I pressed my fists into my temples. It was quiet. Nothing like the last time the movie had paused. Mom had given me the third degree over my decisions, thoughts, feelings, and lack-there-of. I could use her input.
I turned to find the seat next to me, which was usually occupied by Mom, empty and bare. My heart cracked in my chest. My fear became uncompromising as it fell from my brain, was absorbed into my veins, and spread through my body by the beat of my heart. It caused me to jump from my seat. As I stood, I turned toward where I had been sitting, and glanced to the seat next to me that seemed to have never been occupied.
Was I going crazy? It felt like it. After all, I was watching a movie about my nearly dead best friend, and having discussions with my dead mother about the life I had blindly lived. And all for what? To bring truth? To make me realize that I had been living a lie? To show me the error of my ways?
Pulling my lip into my mouth, I bit down anxiously. Was God teaching me a lesson? There had to be something I was supposed to learn. Sure, sure. I had to make a choice after watching my best friend live her life; however, the choice I had seemed unfair. But, was my choice really as black and white as I had thought?
Love and fear.
"What does that mean?" I mumbled aloud.
"When you love someone, it is a glorious feeling. Their happiness becomes the center of the world. Your love, the love that flows so deep inside you it feels like it has been branded into your bones, is suddenly the only thing keeping them alive. You become their sun. Their soul depends on you to survive. Their body breathes you in and soaks you up until you become a permanent part of them. Your souls intertwine in an eternity long dance. And if you're lucky, you never lose that feeling. You never forget those first few moments of breath or the last few moments of life. Instead, you grow with the knowing that love surpasses everything; that love surpasses the fear of letting go, of becoming who you were meant to be. It's in those moments of choice, that the truth exposes itself to us in the most important of ways: raw and untamed."
A wind seemed to whisper the answer to me. Though the voice was familiar, it was not whom I expected. The soft wisps and whooshes of air made the voice practically inaudible, but Bella's voice would always carry with it a timbre that I could hear from a mile away. Still, I was curious as to why Bella would say something like that, and who was she talking to when she said it?
"No one." Mom's voice caused me to spin on my heel.
"Can you hear everything I think?" I asked, hoping that she could not. It would be beyond embarrassing.
"No," she laughed. "I'm only here when you need me to be here. I can only hear or see the things you want me to."
"Really?"
"It's that simple," she responded with a nod of her head.
"So, you're here now, because I wanted you to be? And you didn't see," I hesitated, trying to think of the proper wording, "any of what happened there?"
"I'm here now, because you need me to be here. Not because you want me to be. And I saw mostly everything that happened. But not that." Mom accentuated "that", so that I understood she knew what happened.
"Oh." I blushed deeply. My face was burning. It was weird and embarrassing that Mom knew what transpired between Bella and me. "That's weird."
"Jake," she sighed. "I only know that's what happened, because I am a parent. I may not have been there physically, but I was and still am always going to be your Mom." She stopped talking, and glared in my general direction. "It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know what happens when you let two seventeen year olds sleep in the same room. ESPECIALLY, when they're as close as you and Bella were. You father should be shot for being so… open minded."
I laughed. She was right. I had only been a parent for a few days, but I knew better. If my daughter had a boy over at seventeen, he would not be sleeping in the same room as her, no matter if they were best friends or not.
I was still perplexed with what the wind had whispered to me. "When you said Bella said that love stuff to no one, then why did I just hear it?"
"She wanted you to." Mom stated matter-of-factly.
"So, if I wanted her to hear something I said, could she?" I raised my brows in question.
"It doesn't really work that way, Jake. You see, you're here for a reason. You're hearing, seeing, learning all of this, because you're running out of time. Time has always been on your side. You've had ample opportunities to see, hear, learn all of this on your own, but you never took advantage of it – until now. You're fear, Jacob, is what has brought you to this moment, this time, this place, this divine intervention."
"My fear?" I questioned, not quite understanding everything.
"What are you afraid of the most?" Mom's hand floated to my shoulder and rested there. Her touch cooled my skin even through my shirt.
"N-n-n-nothing really." I stuttered, while she guided us back to our seats.
Mom simply gave me the stink eye, and took a seat. I began to think of what I was scared of, and what my reasons for being here were. They correlated somehow. I just had to figure it all out.
"I, I guess I'm afraid of losing everything. I'm afraid my daughter won't get what she needs or even what she wants. I'm afraid that I'll have to raise her alone, that she'll never get to mean the amazing woman who carried her for nine months." Then it dawned on me. It began pitter-pattering in my chest. I cleared my throat. "The one thing I'm scared of the most is not having Bella in my life."
Mom looked at me proudly, and grasped my chin. "Your fear, my son, is Bella."
That couldn't be right. My fear was not Bella. My fear was her not being in my life. I had lost her once before, and that would never happen again.
"How is it Bella? I'm not afraid of Bella. I'm afraid that I have nothing to give! She's given me so much, and what do I have? What? Money? That's not what she deserves!" I was getting angry. A fire started to burn in my stomach. I clenched my jaws together, and tried to breathe. "You know. I'm in a fucked up situation. Here I am, alone, but not alone. I have a daughter, who counts on me whether I want her to or not, and I have a best friend, who deserves to have so much more than I can give her. It's not fair. Why do I have to choose between my daughter and my… The choice isn't right! I can't choose between them." My thoughts rambled out of my head in a jumbled up mess.
"Shh. Jacob." Mom's hand rubbed up and down my shoulder. She was trying to settle the fears now bellowing out of me, but wasn't that what she wanted? She wanted to know my fears. "You're choice isn't between your daughter and Bella."
I jerked my head toward her. "What do you mean? I thought that was why I was here! Don't I have to choose one or the other? You can't have your cake and eat it too! Isn't that what you and Dad always taught me?"
I had to calm down before I started to curse in front of a literal angel. Deep breaths seemed to help a bit, but I was still agitated. Mom's comforting touch seemed to help a little. A soft laugh caused the fire to reignite in my stomach. My hands shook. My body quaked under the stress I was being put under.
"Please," I begged. "Tell me how it's not a choice between Bella and the baby. I fear messing up when it comes to my daughter, and I…" As the words came into my mind via my heart, I stopped. If I feared our daughter, then did it mean I loved Bella?
Mom squeezed my arm. I stared at the black concrete floor of the theater. The fire in my stomach had diminished completely, but there was a nervousness, a burning in my veins that spread with every beat of my heart. I knew I loved Bella, I did. She was my best friend. She had been there for me through thick and thin, but was I in love with her?
The question formed a film over my brain. I could not think of anything else. All I could do was feel the beat of my heart.
"Mom?" My voice shook nervously, and I shifted my gaze from the floor to her. She had a soft, pleasant smile on her face. With a nod of her head, the movie screen blinked white a few times before the movie started again. "Do I? I mean, I can't. There isn't. It's not possible."
"Shhh." She whispered. "Watch. There's still time."
