Title: Journey
Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling.
Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT
Author Notes: This one is a little shorter, just a moment, really :) composed of moments throughout a normal day in Severus's double-spy life. The tea will have to wait a bit ...
Thank you all for your comments and compliments, they motivate me very much!
Moments
It was the first time Severus met the old house-elf that crept about number twelve all the time. It was very strange indeed. The elf didn't seem to notice Severus at all as it slipped out of the pantry, mumbling to itself. Severus wasn't used to house-elves that were so impolite. And this one seemed to have gone mad over the years. It shuffled through the kitchen and past Severus who had arrived early for a meeting with Albus. Severus didn't even need to strain his ears to hear what it was saying.
"… filthy Mudbloods, no respect for my poor mistress's belongings. And – oh – what would mistress say if she knew, if she had seen the werewolf touch her precious treasures with his filthy claws? Master has nasty friends, mistress always knew it. A half-breed besmirching the noble House of Black."
Severus balled his fists and glared at the elf as if he could set fire to it with his eyes. It finally seemed to notice him and looked up into his face. It narrowed its eyes at him.
"Kreacher knows him not, they say he's a Death Eater," it muttered and Severus could have strangled it for its impertinence. "Like Master Regulus, mistress loved him … This one … They say he's a murderer, like Master Sirius."
"Get out of my sight," snarled Severus and the elf started as if surprised that Severus was aware of its presence. Then it bowed and shuffled out of the kitchen, not without continuing to mumble about the shame Remus brought over the house. Severus looked after it in contempt, grasping his left forearm rather forcefully.
"Did he annoy you?" asked Albus, appearing in the doorway. "Kreacher has a habit of muttering to himself."
Severus made no answer. He let go of his arm, angry at the elf, and sat down on a kitchen chair. It was three days to Potter's hearing and since the last Order meeting Severus had not been called by the Dark Lord and had only entered Grimmauld Place to leave messages or give out warnings or to receive information from other Order members. Once he had met Minerva who treated him normally again, a fact that cheered him up a little. He hadn't seen Remus in a week. He heaved a sigh and scowled at Albus.
"Has Lucius mentioned anything to you?" asked Albus, his blue eyes piercing Severus.
"He said he wanted to try the Imperius Curse on one of our guards," said Severus lazily, resting his head on his hand. "I told him to be careful. Shall I alert the guards?"
Albus shook his head, looking thoughtful but unconcerned. "No, I think we should let Lucius try. First of all to maintain your cover. If he succeeds, he will know that you didn't warn anyone and that he can trust you with future plans … apart from that, it won't be a great danger."
Severus raised his eyebrows. "To our guards it will be," said he. "If they fight his Curse they will be in great danger should he duel them. He wouldn't want to leave witnesses. And if they are caught by Aurors or watchwizards they will lose their jobs or be arrested."
Albus nodded. "Of course you are right. If you could give him a recommendation as to the date I would appreciate it …"
Severus gave him a bewildered look. "What do you mean? Shall I tell him whom to Curse? I thought we were trying to protect that prophecy."
"I want you to tell him whom not to Curse," said Albus. "Believe me, there will be no danger. Not to the prophecy and not to us."
"You would sacrifice one of our –"
"Of course not, Severus. Just tell him not to try anything with Kingsley, Arthur or Nymphadora. You must feed him some information so he and Voldemort believe you are helping them." Albus paused and seemed to be considering something. Then he continued, "It would be good if you told them that Sturgis is the best choice."
There was a moment's silence before Severus accepted the fact that he was giving crucial information to the enemy. "You think he is?"
"Well, I think he will not be the easiest or the hardest to overpower. And I fear I cannot risk Arthur or our Aurors losing their jobs," replied Albus thoughtfully. "Tell them you think it would be easiest to Curse Sturgis. It wouldn't be, but they don't know that and they won't find out. And then we will see what they make of it."
Severus's scowl deepened. "I don't feel comfortable with this, Albus, I hope you know what you are doing."
Albus got up and smiled a shrewd smile. "Of course I do. Though I feel a little guilty because of Sturgis, there is no other way. Otherwise you might be suspected of holding back useful information. Tell them what you know about how Sturgis will stand guard. Under the Invisibility Cloak. And tell them to try it on the thirty-first of August. That will give me time."
"Time?" asked Severus, accompanying Albus upstairs.
"To prepare a way to alert the watchwizards that night. We cannot allow Sturgis to enter the Department of Mysteries. That would endanger him," explained Albus and beckoned him to follow him upstairs and into the hall. "Take care, Severus," he said pleasantly and left Severus, disappearing through the front door without any further explanation. The door closed and Severus stared at it, thinking about how to convey the information to Lucius without rousing suspicions. He did feel uncomfortable with the way Albus sacrificed his allies like pawns in a game of chess.
There were steps coming down from the first floor and the cheerful voice of a man, talking to those he had left behind. "Hold the clock down, I'll be back in a second, I just have to lock the door."
Severus froze when he heard that voice and didn't dare move an inch even though he could probably have hidden from Remus before he reached the ground floor, but too late. Remus was wiping his oily hands with a cloth, a smile on his face that Severus wanted to see directed at him. He was rather dirty and disheveled which told Severus that he must be helping the brats with their cleaning; Severus thought it did nothing to make him less desirable. His rolled up sleeve revealed a rosy scar that Severus hadn't yet known and that made his own arm hurt in empathy.
When Remus looked up and noticed that Severus was still there he stopped dead, his smile faltering. They looked at each other in deafening silence. Severus considered him with narrowed eyes, hoping that Remus would keep to their agreement and leave him alone. At the same time he couldn't move. He was transfixed. There was a black smear of dirt under Remus's left eye that made Severus ache madly because in times long past it would have been the perfect excuse to touch him, wiping it away. After a few moments during which Remus obviously fought the urge to say something, he lowered his eyes to his hands. He said nothing. It must be costing him an enormous effort. Severus didn't know whether to be relieved or devastated. He had to admit his secret craving for Remus's 'how are you' that was so caring. Then he realised that this was the moment to leave this bizarre situation of uncomfortable silence and tongue-biting. Severus snapped out of his stupor too and tore his eyes away from Remus's face that looked so grieved that the emotion seized Severus immediately. He walked to the door without looking back and heard the locks clicking when he was descending the front steps. He wondered how he had managed to mess everything up to this extent. He decided he would need some time to himself before visiting Lucius.
Lucius didn't sense the mood Severus was in when he stepped out of the fireplace at Malfoy Manor in the evening. Narcissa was standing beside him, a hand on his arm, looking anxious. Jealousy, jealousy, jealousy. Severus could barely look at the pair of them. Lucius dismissed Severus's scowl with a wave of his hand, asking what was wrong with him lately, but not waiting for an answer.
"So, you said you could help me?" he almost pleaded when he sat down on the sofa with Narcissa. Severus remained standing.
"I hope so," said Severus with unease. "The Dark Lord will not be in a good mood if Potter is cleared."
"Well?" pressed Lucius impatiently.
Severus leant back against the mantelpiece and folded his hands. "I talked to Dumbledore about the guards in the Ministry. He told me that he had no great confidence in Sturgis Podmore, for he seems to be the most unreliable in the group of people who take turns guarding the door," said Severus and paused, thinking about how best to continue.
"Podmore? Are you sure?" asked Lucius eagerly.
"Quite sure," said Severus nodding. "We had a lengthy conversation about the dangers of guarding the door and he was rather worried about the days when Podmore was to guard it. Unfortunately, he says, he hasn't got enough people for guard duty and must resort to volunteers of less quality than Aurors. If you really want to try the Imperius Curse on one of the guards, then I recommend you use Podmore."
It didn't make him feel very proud of himself when Lucius proved himself convinced of Severus's idea. His stomach churned at the thought of letting loose a Death Eater on an ally whom he couldn't even warn. Anything could happen. You have turned soft, he scolded himself. But that wasn't news.
"And when shall I try? When is it his turn to guard the door?" asked Lucius hanging on Severus's lips.
"The the day of Potter's hearing and the thirty-first of August, according to the table Dumbledore showed me. He will be hidden under an Invisibility Cloak, so you will have to detect him first. Should you choose the wrong night you might find yourself face to face with an Auror, so make sure you remember the date correctly," said Severus urgently and forgot for a moment which side he was on and whom he was supposed to protect.
"Don't worry, Severus," replied Lucius and got up. "I owe you for this. Thank you."
Narcissa stood and touched Severus's arm. "Thank you, Severus," she said and he stepped back from her. He was jealous indeed. He was a moron.
Severus nodded and left through the fireplace. Mission accomplished. No, this was no good feeling. It would be no good feeling to be complimented by the Dark Lord, should Lucius's plan succeed. But according to Albus it wouldn't. Severus hoped dearly that he wasn't making a mistake.
Severus couldn't miss the way Remus avoided looking at him whenever they were in the same room. He stared at his hands or at whoever was speaking but never at Severus. It seemed to have become an impossibility for Remus to look at him. It was annoying that it annoyed him. It was annoying that Severus was jealous of Tonks when she touched Remus's arm and seized his hand while talking to him. Severus thought he would crush the table top. And then he thought he wouldn't, after all.
Remus gave her an awkward smile and wound his arm out of her grip. Severus thought he looked uncomfortable with the attention she gave him, with the way she touched him. Or maybe that she touched him at all. Tonks's face fell when Remus excused himself and left the kitchen. Severus watched her and assumed that she felt a bit like he did. When she looked round and noticed his eyes on her she held his gaze, unwavering, and Severus wondered if she knew what they had in common. Or if she thought that two people as different as they were could have nothing in common. Severus knew better.
When he was on his way out he was looking at his sleeve, rolling it up to touch the Dark Mark which had been bruising his skin with impatient heat that had nothing to do with a call. He was so preoccupied that he bumped into someone coming out of one of the doors leading off the hall and they both crashed against the wall at the forceful contact. Severus was about to snap something when his eyes met two golden orbs, gazing up at him with that expression in them that Severus just didn't know. It unnerved him that he could never find out what it was.
Remus pressed against the wall to let Severus pass, seemingly unable to break eye contact now that it had been made. Severus walked slowly round him and was sure that his face was not as passive as he'd have liked it to be. He took great satisfaction in the way Remus finally looked at him, painfully sad. It mirrored what he was feeling. And yet it didn't.
Remus's eyes were bloodshot, but then again, Severus supposed every Order member had bloodshot eyes. Everyone was pale. But were they white as snow? Were their hands reaching out to Severus when he was passing them so close he could just lean in and kiss them? Did their fingers brush the rough fabric of his black cloak when he walked away from them? Had they been waiting for him even when he hadn't meant to come? But had Remus?
Severus regretted having to tear his eyes away and he couldn't resist glancing over his shoulder at the werewolf who was slumped against the wall, staring at the tracks Severus's long robes had left on the dusty floor. The way Remus's head was bent just didn't leave his thoughts until the Dark Lord sent a call and he had to empty his mind from all the confusing, distracting, painful things that occupied it day after day.
The Dark Lord and his Death Eaters took great pleasure in torturing those who had until only an hour before not had the slightest idea that wizards even existed. It seemed to be something of a special thrill for them to see the incomprehensive, incredulous fear in the eyes of their victim, the obvious wish to wake from an especially nasty dream. Laughing at the agonised cries of the Muggle that they valued as highly as they would a mere maggot. Egged on by the Dark Lord the Death Eaters feasted on their terror in the last seconds before their death. And Severus hated them. Hate wasn't the right word, he believed that there was no word strong enough to express the amount of loathing and disgust he felt in such moments. He couldn't find a word to describe how ashamed he felt to have called himself one of them, to be seen as one of them. He could barely force himself to watch and he couldn't bring himself to take part. Only, he had to admit with a shudder, when he had no other choice. Though he loathed to accept that there really was no other choice. It made him sick. It scared him more even than being killed himself.
"I do believe we can leave the dirty work to Severus today," said the icy voice as the circle was broken and everyone gathered behind the Dark Lord.
Severus's stomach turned and he felt immediately dizzy as though the world around him were turning. It was one of those meetings and he was being tested. Tested if he still belonged in the circle. He stood rooted to the ground, scared he might fall if he moved only an inch. The warm night seemed suddenly freezing cold and the wand in his hand like an icicle.
"Why don't you put an end to our lowly guest, Severus?" added the Dark Lord, making the hairs on Severus's neck stand on end. The other Death Eaters sniggered or smirked, Severus saw them like a massive black lump in the corner of his eye.
Cold sweat was forming on his forehead, a sign of the weight that had fallen on his lungs. His chest felt as if someone the size of Hagrid was trying to crush it. His heart had sped up and was almost deafening him. He looked down at the man cowering before him on the ground and took a dangerous step toward him that felt as if gravity had doubled even though his head was so light he could barely think straight. The man whimpered when he saw Severus approaching and he stammered some incoherent pleas. The other Death Eaters laughed and mocked. Severus wondered how anyone could enjoy this. He wondered why he hadn't left this sick group right after the first time he had seen them torture unarmed wizards and witches, kill helpless Muggles. And he wondered if this man's name even mattered to them, if Severus would ever know it. If there was someone waiting for him.
Severus swallowed hard hoping that his knees wouldn't give way as he pulled his wand out of his pocket with fingers that luckily didn't betray him. He will die anyway, does it make a difference if you cast the spell or just watch someone else do it? It does. He knew he had grown soft, but he couldn't find it in himself to regret it. The repentance felt good. It made him feel less like a monster. He couldn't describe what was going on inside him now. True, the family of four had been horrible too but he had endured it, he had not been face to face with them, the poison had been his, yes, but he had not been the one to look into the children's faces. At least not while they were still alive. Now he could barely move. His jaw was set and he pointedly avoided the man's eyes. He thought he'd suffocate soon. His wand was still directed at the ground, the muscles in his arm threatening to cramp. The man's pleas, the others' laughs would surely rip Severus's eardrums. For a moment he thought – wished – he couldn't do it. But he knew he could. And must.
"Do I see you hesitating, Severus?" asked the Dark Lord mockingly and yet the warning was clear in his voice. The other Death Eaters fell silent. Finally.
"No, my Lord," said Severus softly but more firmly than he had known he could still be. Albus had told him to make every sacrifice, that everything was to be endured to achieve the unachievable. That no sacrifice was too big. Severus looked into the terrified face before him, knowing that this man right there didn't know that it would be for the best if he died here at Severus's hands. He had no idea that his death meant life to many wizards and witches, maybe in the long run, the Dark Lord's downfall. And even if he did, Severus wouldn't blame him for begging for his life. He raised his wand and pointed it between the man's eyes, making him gasp and plead more forcefully. It was as if someone had poured ice water over Severus's head. He took a deep breath and prepared to smirk, disgusted with himself. This man would never know Severus's true colours. But there were those that did. "I'm just enjoying the moment."
