Asphyxiation, Baseball, Cardiac Tamponade, Dad (for the night), Early Mornings, Fracture, Gunshot, Hypotension, Influenza, Jaw Pain, Kidney Transplant, Lumbago, Myocardial Infarction, Nightmares, Oncocytoma, Panic Attack, Quitting Smoking, Ribs, Stroke (Cerebral), Tourniquet, Uncle Harvey, Vertigo, Wheelchair, X-Ray Therapy, Yelling, Zopiclone
Thank you to the Guest who suggested Lumbago (I don't find asking for longer fics greedy, I love reading the longer ones and writing them!)
To the Guest who pointed out my uncommon theme of switching it up for Harvey and Mike: you freaking bet, kid. That is what I am here for. I love hurtHarvey with a dash of Mike trying to figure out what to do.
Iwantcoffeeplz: first off, that's a great freaking name. Second, I can make that happen and just a little ps- I almost always take suggestion (I think I have taken all of them so far)
THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR REVIEWS THEY GIVE ME THE WILL TO WRITE!
I is for Illnesses That Escapes The Eye
(TRIGGER WARNING, SUICIDAL ACTIONS/THOUGHTS, MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH)
"I hope you accept my deepest regards, Mr. Specter. As you can imagine, this is my least favorite type of news to deliver and I can not begin to understand how you must be feeling."
Harvey seats in front of his oncologist, his eyes glued to the pamphlet the man had places there… minutes or maybe hours earlier. It's cover is taunting, the red abrasive letters and overly happy people that bounce along the cover. He can't help but be infuriated, dying people aren't this happy.
Harvey clears his throat and stands, clenching the paper in a trembling fist," right. I'll get right on this."
One Month:
Harvey Reginald Specter's Living Will and Testament
The words taunt him more than his own memory. The words float along the page and he isn't sure if it's because of cancer or because he's panicking. These days, there does not seem to be much of a difference.
'At this rate, Mr. Specter, it would be a miracle for you to make longer than a year.'
"Tell me you haven't already signed that." Mike is standing over his right shoulder, reading along the lines as he memorizes each line. "I could have done better," Mike leans down to touch the paper, to flip it to the next page but Harvey stops him.
"Don't Mike," Harvey doesn't know how to tell them. He almost told Jessica the day he stumbled into her couch. She was so surprised at seeing him trip that the words almost spilled right out, he's positive that Dr. Agard would tell him it's because he needs and wants to tell someone.
Mike pulls his hands away from Harvey but remains by Harvey's side. "Why are you writing a will anyway? I mean you're old, I get that, but you're not that old."
Dr. Agard would be right. It tumbles out of his mouth and he doesn't even have to think about telling Mike because it feels right. The pair remain in silence long after Harvey's simple 'I have cancer, Mike. I'm lucky if I get 6 more months'.
Finally, the air rushes out of Mike's lungs. "H-Harvey, w-why didn't you tell me? After everything that's happened… why didn't you tell us?"
Truth be told, Harvey doesn't want to tell anyone. He wants to go home and swallow a bottle of pain pills that way he never has to deal with nausea, loss of vision, muscle weakness, and the eventual inability to communicate and understand. But every time he swears he'll do it, something stops him. The first time he was ready, everything was set out, even a note, but then Mike sent him a text and he lost his nerve. The past few times he can't get the thought out of his head that someone has to find him. The image of Jessica, Mike, Ray, or Donna finding him… destroys him every time.
By the end of the week, the firm has found out that he's dying. Jessica makes several threats and promises to bring Harvey cases at home. He's banned from the office.
Two Months:
"Harvey… what's gonna happen to you?"
Harvey looked to the floor instead of Donna's emotional eyes. "Headaches, for right now. Eventually, my balance, hearing, sight, and my memory will fail. Cognitively, I'll be confused and unaware of most things going on around me." He clears his throat," with time, I won't be able to stand because my muscles will weaken significantly. My sight and hearing, one of them is going to be 100% gone. Uhm… I'll experience nausea, vomiting, and pain but eventually, I'll just… fall unconscious… and that'll… that'll be it."
Her empathy… her pitty stung but not nearly as bad as the five words that left her mouth with selfish intent. "I can't do this, Harvey."
Mike is there. Every day, he leaves early and comes to Harvey's apartment. Rachel is a pleasant surprise.
"What do I do, Harvey?" Upon walking into Harvey's apartment everything seemed fine until Mike and Rachel came to the kitchen. There they found Harvey on his side, kitchen chairs tipped all around him showing them his struggle from his bedroom to this spot on the floor.
Rachel drops to her knees, seeing that Harvey is digging his nails into his scalp. She pulls his upper body to her chest and massages at the tight skin around Harvey's head. "Mike," her voice is level and calm, so unlike both the men around her. "He needs the pain medicine in the cabinet above the stove."
Harvey rocks in her arms, small moans leaving his mouth. Rachel holds him tighter and whispers sweet nothings as she attempts to comfort him.
"Here," life hurts. It throws curve balls that are never meant to be hit or even caught. They're just meant to hit you square in the chest. Rachel had always thought the worst thing that could happen to her was her own death. Yet standing here, Harvey in her arms and Mike looking absolutely terrified as his mentor trembles, Rachel can easily be convinced that her death is not the worst thing that could happen.
They stay locked together for several long minutes. Rachel waits for Harvey's pulse to stop hammering dangerously fast against her palm, she counts the minutes as they pass and as seventeen minutes come to pass she tears her eyes off of Harvey.
"Help him stand, Michael." Her voice is soft and Mike nods obediently.
They had all been briefed on the medicines Harvey was taking to combat his symptoms. The heavy pain medicine, it takes a functioning human being and makes them jello. If the migraines didn't feel like they were ripping him in half, he'd never take them. Sometimes, he has to.
Mike grabs Harvey around his thinning waist and lets the older man sink into him. Mike guides Harvey, being patient and understand as Harvey stumbles. They're only halfway to his room and Harvey's shaking like a leaf.
"M-Mike," Harvey pleads, gripping his friend dress shirt weakly. "Mike, I can't. I can't, Mike." Tears fall limply onto Mike's t-shirt and he tries to do his best to work through it. "Mike," Harvey's breaks as he pleads," please, Mike."
Rachel is there when Harvey's body falls weak. She takes half his weight and pulls his head to her shoulder. She does her best of comfort as they enter his room. "Lie back," she whispers, as she grabs his neck and eases him onto the bed. "You're okay, Harvey."
Rachel gently runs her hands through his hair until Harvey's brown eyes slide shut. "Mike," she whispers, softly as to not wake Harvey," call her."
Three Months:
Mike looks up at the sky, the heavy blue clouds mean rain but right now even if it poured he's not sure he would move. "I think… I think I'm going to ask her to marry me." It's such a simple idea but it hurts.
Harvey smiles gently. The idea of a big wedding makes him close his eyes and lean into the heavy oak behind him. "She's a good kid." The only time he had thought about getting married was with Scottie and when he was a kid. Now, he wouldn't be able to do it.
Harvey can feel rather than see Mike's eyes on him. "Harvey?"
He opens an eye and peeks at Mike," Mike."
Mike opens and closes his mouth, visibly panicking as the seconds tick by. "I'd need… I want… we'd do it real soon so… best man?"
Harvey's smile splits his face and he nods, unable to find the words that need to be said.
After another migraine that left him unable to answer the phone and then the door hours later, Mike and Rachel moved into Harvey's large apartment. His guest room now has a name and a purpose when before it was just a bed with fancy paintings. Secretly, he enjoys them being there.
Harvey stumbles through his apartment, a glass of water in his right hand, and the other open to grab anything that may make keep his stride stable. In his bathroom he finds Rachel Zane haling to the porcelain throne. "You look like hell."
She jerks up and scowls at him. His restlessness was becoming worse and the doctor had predicted the opposite. As they progressed closer to the year mark, instead of sleeping like there was nothing better to do he seemed unable to close his eyes.
"That means a lot," she groans, wrapping her arm on the toilet so she can rest her head on it," especially when it's coming from you."
Harvey opts to ignore her comment and walks into the bathroom. He uses the bathtub's rim to ease himself down, hoping his arms don't give out underneath his weight. He leans his head against the cool ceramic of the tank cover and asks," how far?"
Her eyes give away just how guilty she is, they dart quickly away from his own. "You know, I think I like cancer you better than old you," it's the only thing she can think of, anything to get off of the topic at hand. "You're sensitive… and nice."
They share a smile until Harvey takes her hand and rephrases his earlier question. "Rachel, how far along are you?"
Her eyes swell up with tears and she has to turn away from him. Her answer is choked and chopped full of unshed tears. "T-Three months."
He nods his head and the timeline in his head ponders that she hasn't told anyone because of him. He's dying and Rachel's going to give birth. Harvey has to wipe tears from his own eyes," Rachel.." He sniffles and nods his head," I'm the only person that knows… aren't I?"
She doesn't have to voice her answer, her turned chin is all he needs.
He squeezes her hand," promise me you'll tell everyone? They deserve to know. It's not every day Mike Ross and Rachel Zane have kids." He smiles and attempts to lighten the mood," jeez, I mean, you really need to give the populous a head start. They're gonna need it."
She wipes her nose and nods her head," I promise."
"Good." He hands her his water," drink up. Your breath smells awful, I'd brush before I went back to bed."
He gives her shoulder a light pat as he walks out and pauses. The world really doesn't stop for anyone but right now… it seems like it couldn't turn slower.
4 Months:
Being alive is exhausting. They are constantly running. They're here and there just trying to race death. To plan a wedding, to get ready for a kid, and to figure out how who will be home to make dinner.
They feed off of one another. Every day, Harvey supplies them with an idea for names. One hand stirring whatever he's made for breakfast, the other holding a newspaper close to his face. Soon, he'll need reading glasses. Mike runs back and forth, he's got his eyes on making Junior partner and it's really kicking his ass. With Harvey out, Jessica has agreed to allow Rachel to stay home to work on anything she can. They all know it's because Jessica would find a way to have Rachel or Mike with Harvey at all times and she has. If Rachel has to stay late or go in early suddenly Mike has the day off. It's clockwork.
"Holly."
"Never."
"Alex?"
"I don't know."
"Hayden."
"Eh."
"Harley?" Harvey looks up, a large smile smacked across his face.
Mike stops tying his tie to scowl at Harvey," seriously? You think I want to name my firstborn after you?'
Harvey shrugs and goes back to the eggs in the skillet in front of him," hey, a dying man can wish, you know?"
After Mike leaves Rachel and Harvey retire to the couch. There they wait for Donna.
It had taken two months but Donna got herself together. She came back to the apartment, dressed in her pajamas, and cried. She sobbed and held Harvey as close as she could get him. She was pulled from her slumber by a too real nightmare. Harvey was gone and the last thing she had said was that she couldn't handle it.
Luckily, over seven years of friendship is hard to break and Harvey, and everyone else was just glad to have Donna back. Without her, Harvey resembles an unhappy child.
"If he becomes president, I will literally die."
Rachel covers her laugh with her palm and delivers an open hand slap to Harvey's chest.
"What?" Cancer had made Harvey talkative and less of an asshole. "Someone has to joke around here. You and Mike dance around the word cancer like it's contagious."
The room falls silent but a curt banging on the door pulls them away from Harvey's comment.
Rachel gets the door and is greeted by an overly happy Donna with a Scrabble board. "Hope you're ready to have your ass handed to you, Harvey! I bought Scrabble."
Rachel should have said something. Should have warned Donna that Harvey's in one of those odd moods where you can't tell if he's joking or being an asshole.
The Scrabble game should have gone well. Before it was Donna and Harvey's shit. No one could play like them and the only person they could lose to was each other. However, halfway through the game, in a small, soft voice, Harvey admits he can't see the letters.
Scrabble is officially retired from that point on.
5 Months:
"There's nothing we can do."
It was happening faster than they were promised.
"It's okay." Jessica gave Mike off… all the time Harvey needed. "You're alright, I gotcha."
Mike had followed the sound of retching to the bathroom to find Harvey emptying his stomach. Rubbing his back, Mike does the best he can to comfort Harvey.
Harvey seats up, his upper body swaying to an imaginary beat. His jaw opens and closes, his brain not working to get the words he needs out. Mike can see him attempting to talk, his eyes and mind trying to communicate a thought but it's just stuck. His body speaks to the panic that is rising up in his chest.
Mike crouches down, pulling Harvey into a hug, trying to calm him. "You're okay. It's just aphasia. We knew this was going to come but you're okay." They remain seated on the bathroom floor for a long time.
"M-Mike, I don't… Where are we?"
Mike closes his eyes, trying to seclude the emotion tearing through him. "We're in your apartment, Harvey. I'm sure you can remember that. Can't you? If you just a little bit?"
Harvey nods," y-yeah. You're right."
6 Months:
Mike and Rachel are going to get married today. No one says it but they all know that Mike would have most likely waited longer to ask Rachel if it weren't for Harvey. But it's mutual. After the last few months, Rachel has become close to Harvey, she doesn't want to get married without him either.
The ceremony is short. Harvey stands behind Mike for as long as his trembling muscles allow and then Louis is strategically placed behind him, ready to help Harvey into the chair seating off to the side.
In the breast pocket of Harvey's suit jacket are two cigars. They're for later.
Rachel and Mike get their first dance. The tears in their eyes are happy and their kiss is sweeter than cherry wine. When the pair split apart and the party officially starts, Rachel asks Harvey for a dance. For humor's sake, Donna request one too and Harvey abides.
"How's the Bean?" Harvey asks referring to Rachel and Mike's ever-growing embryo.
Rachel rests her head against Harvey's shoulder already exhausted by all of the daily activities. "Damn kid hasn't stopped kicking all day. It was even doing a little tap dance over my bladder earlier. This bean is an asshole."
Their dance comes to an end and Harvey's muscle's thanked him for the long break he takes. The doctor had prescribed a cane to assist his walking, Jessica had gone as far as to pick it up and bring it to Harvey's apartment so that he would have no excuse not to use it, but he's Harvey Specter.
When he seats back down at the table where Louis, Donna, and Jessica all seat, all eyes are on him. "Not gonna keel over guys," he mumbles but his statement is slightly debunked as he leans heavily on the table in order to sit down.
"I told Mike you were looking for him," Jessica speaks up and Donna slides a plate of snacks in front of Harvey. He shakes his head and Donna pulls them away.
"Speaking of," Louis announces and there Mike is.
"Whatcha need?" Mike asks hands shoved down in his pockets.
Harvey stands slowly, glaring at Mike as the younger man attempts to help Harvey stand. "We're going to the roof."
The pair walks together, silence filling the space between them.
As Harvey leans heavily on the elevator railing, Mike and Harvey both wish they had packed his cane. It may have been a sign of weakness but its sure as hell beat hobbling.
"My father gave me these when I graduate from Harvard." Harvey holds the cigars in his hand and a lighter in the other. "We were supposed to smoke them when I did something big. He thought to get married or have a kid. I was holding out, I was going to smoke them when I made partner but…"
Mike nods his understanding.
Harvey holds out one of the cigars," you're a junior partner now Mike, you're going to have a beautiful kid, and you just got married."
Mike reaches for the cigar but stops, just frozen in place.
So Harvey continues," neither of us has much of a family anymore, Mike. My dad's gone but I know if he was here today, he'd tell me to smoke these with you."
Mike takes the cigar and lets Harvey light it. "You remember Logan Sanders? I heard him call me your surrogate son."
Harvey takes a long draw from the cigar and nods his head. "He did say that."
Mike takes an experimental puff from the fat cigar," you didn't deny it…"
Harvey nods," I didn't."
They stay on the roof for an hour. They talk about Logan Sanders, kids, marriage, baseball, and everything they can think of. Long after their cigars are gone, Donna comes up and tells them that Ray is here to pick Harvey up. It takes all three of them to get Harvey back to the ground floor.
7 Months:
Mike is a moment to slow. He watches as Harvey falls to the ground both his arms going to his head. "I can't see!" He cries in panic. "Mike! Mike, I can't see!"
"Rachel!" Mike tries to keep Harvey from hurting himself as he shakes on the floor. "Rachel, we need a doctor!"
His shouts are full of pain that Mike can not ease. When his arms start to shake, Mike calls an ambulance. At the time, it feels awful like he's betraying Harvey but later the doctor reassures him that if he hadn't called Harvey would have died on the floor. A statement that offers little to no relief because of the one that follows it. 'There is a chance that he doesn't make it through the night.'
Hooked up to I.V.'s, Harvey lays on the hospital bed with his head tilted to the visitor's chair.
"M-Mike?" His call is soft and trembles with the rest of his body.
"Right here," except it's Rachel and Harvey doesn't think anything of it being her. He turns his face towards her voice, his eyes jerking with motion in an attempt to make out her blurry figure. Rachel pushes Mike towards the bed.
Mike takes the closest chair and tears fall unabashedly to the floor. Jessica and Louis should be here any minute, they have a right to be. Mike takes Harvey hand and holds it tight. "I'm right here, Harv."
A small smile graces Harvey's lips and his voice comes out a rough whisper," I've always hated that nickname." His eyes move over Mike and his smile falls just a bit," I-I… I'm not ready, Mike. I thought I was but…" He collects himself and attempts a small joke," I never could think of any good last words."
Mike nods and sniffles, brushing a tear away.
"It's a girl." Rachel stands beside Mike, smiling softly. "It's a girl Harvey."
Harvey grins," Bean is going to wreck every boy's heart she can get her little hands on." His hands fumble down his body, using his left hand and torso as a guide to finding the other side of the bed. He hears his fingers scratch against the paper surface and pulls it to Mike. "This is for the Bean."
Mike nods," okay. Anything else, your highness?"
Harvey looks up in the general direction of Mike and a small smile tugs at the corner of his mouth as his eyes focus just enough that he sees the general outline of Mike.
It's twelve o'clock, on the dot, when he vomits blood for the last time. The doctors up his morphine but they say nothing. Their looks say it all for them.
"I'm sorry, Mike." Tears run hot down Harvey's face," I'm scared. I thought… I can't do this, Mike. It's too much."
Mike nods, squeezing Harvey's hand," it's not fair. You had more time."
Harvey chokes on his breath and Mike stands, pulling him up so that he can breathe again. "It's okay. It's okay." It takes several long minutes for Harvey to stop sputtering on his tongue. "You're okay."
"M-Mike." Harvey holds Mike's shirt like a lifeline because it is. "I-I… I-I'm dying."
Mike lays Harvey back down at stares at his limp face.
"It doesn't hurt… I'm-I'm...I'm cold."
The heart monitor had been silenced hours before, it's unsteady rhythm no longer a comfort but a clock, slowly ticking off their time together in it's dehumanizing way. Glancing at the jumping line, Mike feels panic swell in his chest. "Harvey," his name comes out a plea, one last attempt to ground the older man to this moment. To keep and treasure what they had before.
"You know those ABC dramas?" Harvey holds Mike's hand a little harder, fighting to keep his lungs working. "Keep the kid out of those, huh?" He smirks one final time and mumbles," it's amazing the weird shit they put on there."
Mike squeezes Harvey's hand harder. "No." Mike stands and shakes Harvey's shoulder," you're not allowed to do this, Harvey!" He looks to the monitor and finds no pulse. "No! You're supposed to give me advice! Go out with a bang!"
Rachel pulls Mike away, she holds him as the doctors push them out into the hall. On the bed, all alone, Harvey is still and so small. He had lost too much weight, he hardly looked like himself. Now, his hand has fallen off the edge of the bed, hanging limply through all the chaos.
"I should have been there more," Mike hides his face in Rachel's shirt. "I should have put work aside-"
Rachel extracts herself from his grasp," look at me, Michael! Harvey is dead and there was nothing anyone could do. People die. It happens but you know what? Harvey had a great time and he would have been pissed if you put off making Junior Partner because of him." Rachel cups Mike's face, tilting her own head and smiling sadly at the tears that still run down his cheeks.
"Excuse me?" It's a nurse, a younger woman no older than Mike and Rachel. "You left this."
In her hands is the note. The one that Mike swore to give to his unborn child.
Mike couldn't find the courage to look at what the paper said. He just stood there with it clutched to his chest as sobs tore their way through him. So Rachel took the legal pad away to see the note inscribed. She clears her throat and reads aloud:
Dear Bean,
It's me, your Uncle Harvey. You may not know a lot about me, you see I died of cancer before you were born but I know you. When you were three months old, I was the first person your mommy told about you. When you were four months old, you kicked me in the cheek. You see, we never really got the chance to meet but I already know I would have loved you. So, I left you some stuff, things that will let you get to know me. In the brown bear with the red tie is your first letter, you should receive it as your fifth birthday present. The others you'll have to find but don't worry I believe in you.
Sincelry,
Your Uncle Harvey
P.S. Don't think that there is ever anything that can drag you down. You're a baby born from Ross and Zane blood. I dealt with them first hand, saw them fail, watched them get kicked around but I promise you, you can do anything. You were bred for adventure. So have fun, live hard, play dirty, and kick ass
"It's just like him to leave our kid a note to begin a scavenger hunt."
Mike nods and flips it over," where do you think it will take her?"
Rachel smiles, so confident and sure of her answer. "Knowing Harvey? Everywhere and anywhere she could ever hope to go."
I'm sorry for the sudden change... I also feel like this was really crappy writing so I'll do my best to make up for it! Also, it would be a blessing if someone could come up with a better J... I usually write these the day I publish them because I can never make my mind up on how to write it so any suggestions are welcome! Also... I might have accidenlty put a lot of Rachel in this one... I have no clue why... I'm just a mess!
