Chapter Nine

"What is this?" Merry asked, holding Ari's iPod and rubbing the shiny white case gingerly. Sam was currently examining a bottle of deodorant like it contained the secrets of the universe, feeling the cold smoothness of it wonderingly, while Frodo had picked up a toilet roll curiously. Boromir, Gimli and Aragorn were entertaining themselves with the pack of cards Zoe had unearthed, whereas Gandalf seemed more preoccupied with Ari's bag of makeup, opening all of the different containers, poking and sniffing them delightedly.

"What purpose does this liquid have?" Legolas was eyeing the bright liquid of a bottle of skin cleanser that he held gingerly between two fingers, his nose wrinkling slightly at the strong smell that clung to the bottle.

"What are these things?" Pippin asked, studying the brightly coloured wrappers, inside a cardboard box.

"Pippin!" He looked up from his hand to Ari, like a deer caught in headlights. She sighed at the sight of his expression. "Oh, nevermind. Carry on."

Pippin looked back down at the tampons he now held in his hand, rustling the outer packages curiously. Zoe looked at Ari, an eyebrow raised.

"What?" Ari said, blushing lightly. "It's not like he knows what they're used for, unless we tell him. They all look so curious. It's kind of adorable."

"The emergency tampon stash is for emergencies... not to be played with by curious Hobbits - it's not like we can just nip round the corner and replace them." Zoe muttered and then groaned at her own grumpiness. "Sorry. I'm cool with them looking at our stuff, just not the stuff we actually need and can't replace!"

Just then Frodo gave a shout of dismay as most of the toilet roll unravelled from his hands, trailing onto the floor.

"Oh jeeze, c'mon guys! If we have to be stuck in the medieval era you can at least allow me clean loo roll for as long as possible! Get off!" Zoe yanked the roll out of Frodo's hand, shooed Pippin away from their things, and carefully rolled the precious commodity back up. She sat back down with a thump, absent-mindedly stroking the soft material while scowling at the ground.

"Ok yeah, maybe this wasn't the best time to sort out our bags..." Ari said, with a sigh. After their second day of hours of unvarying walking, or trudging in some cases, Ari's suggestion of doing an inventory was hardly a welcome one. Especially when the rest of the gang became unutterably inquisitive about the various devices and materials they were unpacking.

"The best time was never. Little hellions." Zoe remarked, placing the roll back into the bottom of the bag – her bag this time – and looking over the piles of their tangled belongings. Everything was such a mess!

"But I wanted to find my tweezers - I've got a splinter the size of a fricking tree in my finger."

"Put super glue on it." Zoe mumbled absent-mindedly, now concentrating on untangling the pair of tights that had decided to become better acquainted with a bra, pendant necklace, her hairbrush - that was going to leave holes, damn it! - and her laciest pair of knickers, in the chaos on the ground.

"Oh yeah, just let me pull my emergency glue out of my fucking ass."

"That would be a stupid place to keep it. Imagine if it burst? Think clearly, Ariadne." She said serenely, while pulling viciously at the remaining items entangled in her tights, resulting in her slingshotting her saucy panties off into the darkening night. "Oops."

A hiss, a small yelp and a thud behind them, followed by a waft of scented mist – cotton breeze, if they weren't mistaken - told the two that Sam had just discovered how deodorant was applied. Grinning warily, Zoe picked her newly freed knickers off Gimli's axe.

"No offense mate, but I don't think they would suit you." Zoe said apologetically, her lips twitching. Ari snorted, and immediately covered her mouth with her hand as Gimli looked at her stonily.

"Sorry, Gimli." Clearly the dwarf did not take too kindly to being laughed at. He harrumphed loudly, and moved to sit closer to the fire, where things would hopefully not be catapulted at him as much.

"Well, now that everything is out, what are we going to do with it all?" Together they surveyed the mass of clothing and odds and ends that they had been trailing around Middle-Earth with over the past day and a half.

"I guess we sort it all out into piles: absolute essentials, quite essential, should probably keep that, why on earth did we pack that in the first place, and that definitely needs to be left behind. What do you think?" Ari scooped everything they owned in this world into one large pile and, with Zoe, knelt down in front of it, both wearing thoughtful expressions.

"Excellent group names." Zoe nodded. "I see one tiny problem though."

"What?"

"We are the biggest hoarders ever. No way are we going to leave anything."

"Come on, let's be ruthless. I don't know about you, but my back is killing me from carrying all this crap around."

Together they set to organising their things, with only the occasional squabble on what constituted a necessity. When Zoe tried to put 'that ridiculously huge breezeblock of a book' in the reject pile, Ari quickly snatched it away from her, proclaiming fantasy an amazing genre, and what would she know about it anyway? A road map of Britain was assigned to the rubbish pile while the car keys were kept, after a minute of silence while looking at them. Leaving the keys to Shit-Tip behind did after all mean that they were never going back. Neither of them were really willing to accept that.

"What are you talking about? A razor is a 'quite essential', definitely."

"Trying to impress someone in particularly, Zo?" Zoe flicked Ari's knee, mock offended. "It's only going to be useful while it's still sharp. Therefore, it is clearly a 'should probably keep that'."

"Ugh, fine whatever. I don't see the point in these distinct groups if it's all going in the bag anyway."

"Don't mess with the system. And can you stop doing that, Pippin!" The Hobbit in question looked up from the pile he was rummaging through and mumbled an apology, though his fingers twitched back to the phone he had been examining.

"It's off, Pip. It won't do anything." Zoe explained. "And Ari's just peeved you messed up her pile, just ignore her." Pippin gleefully picked up the phone again, knocking over their small pile of clothes.

"I'd just folded those." Ari muttered, annoyed. She sighed and continued, "Are we sure about keeping the phones?"

Zoe frowned at her. "Yes. They may never work here, but when we get back, I can't exactly ring up Vodafone and be like 'Oh yeah, sorry, can you send me a new phone, I left mine in Middle-Earth'."

After a short silence, Ari nodded in agreement and said, "I assume we're keeping our various other electricals as well then?"

"Obvs. I paid a ridiculous amount for that thing because it has an apple sticker on it." And then she groaned and put her hand to her forehead. "Dammit, I can't believe I left the solar charger in the car."

"Don't worry about it. This hardly something we could have prepared for…" She trailed off at Gandalf's approach, surprised when he sat down next to them. "Is everything alright?"

"Of course." He said, smiling kindly and looking them both over. "I wished to enquire as to how you are both feeling. Not many escape intact when they tangle with magic."

"Ari's really warm." Zoe chimed in, quickly. "Like all the time."

"Indeed?"

Ari glanced at her, surprised. "What? Not really, I feel fine. My shoulder burns like the seven circles of Hell, but other than that…" She was brought to silence as Gandalf's bushy eyebrows contracted and he brought his hand to her forehead.

His brow furrowed further after a moment. "Um… what?" She asked eloquently, as a blush lightly flitted over her cheeks. He continued to look at her intently and removed his hand.

"I am merely concerned about any lasting side-effects resulting from the touch of the witch. You will let me know if anything… unusual happens to either of you?" If he hadn't been so deadly serious, Ari would have laughed. Being physically stuck in your favourite day-dream was hardly usual.

Instead they both nodded their assent. "Excellent. How long will this take you?" He asked, gesturing to the now almost neatly organised piles. "I believe we are all quite eager to become better acquainted with our blankets." They both smiled and assured him that they were nearly finished.

As Gandalf walked back to the campfire, Zoe looked back at their piles of belongings and gasped at the sight that was before her eyes: as if in slow motion, Pippin was picking up a certain Boots carrier bag, about to rummage around in it. A carrier bag full of enough contraband to make a teenage boy cry with happiness.

"Oh my God, Pippin, no!" She catapulted herself upwards, practically flying forward, and tackling both Pippin and bag to the ground. She flung the offending items to Ari, who quickly cottoning on to what was happening, was bent at the middle from laughing too hard. Zoe covered his eyes with one hand and wrapped the other arm around his body, rolling him away from the scene of the crime, despite his squawking protests. "Protect his innocence! Oh, his poor eyes…"

"Will you desist in making such a ruckus!" Legolas hissed.

Releasing her hold on Pippin, Zoe snarled up at the elf, hackles immediately raised. "Oh lighten the fuck up, Legs. Are we going to have the same fight every night? Cause it's going to make for a long bloody trip."

"Yes, until you learn to control your tongue!" He snapped, his hands clenching by his side, and his eyes - God damn, those eyes!– were narrowed and channelling his rage towards her, so beautifully. It was almost hard to stay mad at him, but she managed it.

She pushed herself to her feet and opened her mouth, intent on making some scathing remark, but caught Aragorn's eye and stopped herself. Oh right, the high road. "Jeez, sorry Grandad." She muttered instead and pushed past him, flopping down next to Ari and resting her head on her legs. Ari tutted at her fondly, and ruffled her auburn hair. "Honestly. What are you like, you little troublemaker."

Zoe merely pouted and didn't reply.

The next day followed much as the one before, though their journey was now leading them on a more noticeable incline. Even with their ever so slightly lightened bags, this was taxing for the two intrepid travellers. Ari found it particularly difficult, having not enjoyed any form of exercise in the past.

It was a relief for both of them when Gandalf called for a halt. Zoe sat down with a sigh of appreciation. Ari's descent was more of a full-frontal body-flop, complete with groan. Most of the other members of the camp started to set up for the night. Ari merely hoisted her mostly numb body onto one of the more comfy rocks and, wrapping herself in the sleeping bag, tried to nap.

"Now that we have settled, young Hobbits, I believe I promised you both a lesson." Boromir said, grabbing his weaponry and gesturing for Merry and Pippin to come with him. Zoe's ears immediately pricked at this.

"Hey Aragorn, want to go again?" Zoe said, waggling her eyebrows and grinning madly. Aragorn rubbed his jaw, and looked at her warily.

"Though I believe the element of surprise is what caused me any injury, I cannot say I wish to test this theory."

"Well Aragorn, I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see that you are unarmed." Giggling at her own wittiness, she decided to ignore Ari's sleepy accusation of plagiarism.

Aragorn groaned, and held his face in his hands. "Is there no rest for a man who has walked all day?"

"Bwkaack!" Zoe clucked loudly, flapping her hands.

Rather than being baited, Aragorn merely looked at her incredulously. "What on earth...?"

"Wait, you guys don't have chickens either?"

"Of course we 'have' chickens. I was actually questioning your impersonation skills. You appeared more possessed than poultry."

"Oh, ha ha." Zoe pouted. "You're just mad 'cause I owned you the last two times."

"Yeah, that's definitely it." Ari remarked sleepily. Zoe leaned over and pushed her off the rock she had been reclining on. A thump and a muffled curse followed immediately after.

"Jeeze, Zo – I think I'm banged up enough, don't you?" Ari complained grumpily, trying to detangle herself from her twisted sleeping bag. "Ah, shitsicles. Fucking thing…"

Aragorn tutted at her language and turned away to watch Merry, who was now being taught to hold a sword properly by Boromir. Zoe grinned widely and bounded over to Boromir, begging to be taught too.

"Wait." Ari breathed, taking in the scene before her with wide eyes. "No, no, no – how did I miss this!"

She quickly ripped the sleeping bag off her legs, shoving it as quickly as possible back into the bag, frustrated curses tumbling out of her mouth the entire time.

"Zoe!" The red-head turned at her shout and with a quick motion, gestured her to come back over. In turn, Zoe stuck her tongue out and continued trying to persuade Boromir to teach her a few tricks with his sword. The innuendo, alas, fell on deaf ears.

"What are you doing?" Legolas had walked over to her, his voice tinged with suspicion.

"Nothing." Ari said breezily, concentrating on the task at hand.

"You are packing up your sleeping bag." Legolas said, not quite accusatory, but almost tiptoeing over the border.

"If you know what I'm doing, why did you ask?" She said, almost cheekily.

"What I wished to know is why." His voice was like steel now.

"For reasons." Ari finished haphazardly stuffing material into the bag and stood, shifting nervously from one foot to the other, while smiling ingratiatingly at the elf.

Legolas sighed quietly, and pinched the bridge of his nose with two fingers. He tried a different approach: "Tell me what is troubling you. Perhaps I can be of some assistance." He said flatly.

"It's uh, women's stuff? Yep, that's it. Women's stuff. You know with the um, ovaries and things."

Legolas stared at her for a long moment, wherein Ari felt the blood rush to her cheeks. Did she seriously just refer to her ovaries in her attempt to keep things canon? Why couldn't she have said she was just tidying up?

"Ovaries." He repeated slowly, still staring at her.

Oh God, make it stop.

"Yes." She said, attempting to stare him out, without passing out from the epic blood rush to her head. And through sheer shame, of course.

"Hey gang, what's occurring?" Zoe bounded over, breathless from the exuberance of her first few swings of a real sword. She paused and pointed to each of them in turn. "Waaaait. Are you guys having a bonding moment?" She asked, a huge shit-eating grin on her face.

"Legolas," Ari interrupted quickly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bother you. I know you're on watch. Sorry. Seriously, it's fine. You should go back to what you were doing. Cloud watching. Or, you know, whatever."

"Ari, why are you rambling?" Zoe stage-whispered. Legolas narrowed his eyes at the girl, taking in the way her hand constantly twisted, playing with the ends of her multi-coloured hair.

"Just get your bag, ok! I need your help with a thing. In the bush" Ari said, ignoring her question and shooing them both with her hands hurriedly. Her eyes fleetingly passed over the clear blue skies behind the pair, straining to catch a glimpse of any dark specks.

"Seriously, are we not doing phrasing anymore?" Zoe quipped, grinning even more widely. At Ari's impatient look – who doesn't laugh at Archer quotes? - Zoe rolled her eyes and shouldered her bag. "What next, weirdo?"

Ari shot another nervous look at the sky and motioned that she should follow her, unaware of two pairs of eyes watching them from their positions near the fire. Zoe sighed at the melodramatics of her friend, before twitching slightly, shaking her head to the side, as if something was buzzing in her ear.

"What are you doing? Come on!" Ari said, turning around when she noticed that Zoe wasn't following her. Zoe gasped and her face tightened with pain, her hands brushing at her ears.

Ari was momentarily distracted by Pippin's cry of pain, immediately followed by both of the Hobbits tackling Boromir and play-fighting on the ground exuberantly. When she saw Aragorn stand up, she knew they really had to move.

"Come on, Zoe!" She hissed. "Please, just ignore it for two seconds. We need to hide!"

Half pulling, half dragging, Ari finally got Zoe to move further down the outcrop. She pushed their bags under a bush, and joined the already-hidden Zoe, squishing herself next to her friend between two rocks, where a low-hanging tree would hopefully cover up any sight of their heads.

"What is going on with you?" She whispered, fearfully. Zoe now had her hands over her ears, her eyes screwed up desperately, whimpering slightly. "Shush, please, they'll hear us." She placed her hand over her mouth, and then hugged her close, ignoring the burning stretching sensation in her shoulder. She could feel Zoe shudder slightly. And then suddenly she could hear them – the rush of wings, the eeire cawing – as the huge flock of crebain descended on their camp.

They waited for what felt like an eternity, surrounded by the noise and fear that they would be discovered. Finally, finally, the crows left.

"What the hell was all that about?!" Ari hissed, as soon as they were free of the rock. "You scared the ever-loving shit out of me!"

"I swear," Zoe said, desperately, her eyes wide and panicked. "I could hear them perfectly, it's like they were right next to my face. The cawing, even the wind rushing through their wings."

"What?" Ari's annoyance abated somewhat.

"The crows. I could hear them. It was… horrifying."

"We're tired and under a lot of stress here, Zo. Maybe you just imagined it…"

"How could I possibly imagine that?" Zoe interrupted her quickly, speaking low and fast. "You were the only one who knew that was going to happen. Oh, and thanks for informing me about that by the way. Do you really think that I thought we were about to be inundated with crows? And just magically decided to hear them?"

"Alright, Z, alright. I believe you. Of course I believe you." She said reassuringly. "It's just weird that's all. I don't know what to say."

Zoe looked at her still trembling hands. "God, I hate this." She took a deep breath and pulled the sleeping bag back out. "I think cuddles and sleep are needed."

Ari threw her good arm around Zoe's shoulders, pulling her in tightly for a brief hug, and then helped her back to camp to set up for the night, allaying all questions that came their way from the rest of the fellowship. Gandalf's eyes followed them around the camp, watching them closely. Despite snuggling into each other for comfort and warmth, neither of them slept for what felt like hours, still shaken by what had just happened.

Well Ari, you're not the only one... To anyone still reading, I'm sorry that my updates are so sporadic! If anyone's still out there, raise a hand.

Also, I recently had some tourist experience with Britain's oft quoted bard – the 'battle of wits' thing had me snorting with laughter.

Let me know what you think/what a terrible person I am for leaving Ari and Zoe in the lurch for so long!