Chapter Nine: Loss
The morning of their scheduled departure, Cassandra startles awake far too early. Judging by the deep purple of the sky, there are still hours to go before she has to leave.
This could be the last time.
For the past few months, Skyhold has been if not a home, then at least something familiar. If they succeed in defeating Corypheus, however – and she lives through it – she will have to come to terms with the fact that there simply may not be a place for her here anymore.
She washes up, says her morning prayers, puts on her armor, and – trying to counterfeit the same unthinking ease with which she performs those other well-practiced actions – knocks three times on Cullen's door.
No response. Of course not. There's no reason why he should be up at this hour.
She lets out a long sigh of disappointment, an instant before the door flies open and she finds herself her face to face with Cullen. His hair is a mess, and he's clad only in loose trousers that sit low on his hips. He's still thinner than he was when they first met, but today that only lends further definition to the strong lines of his torso that rise and fall as he breathes.
Maker help her, she will pay in sorrow later for this last look at what she's leaving behind.
"Cassandra?" he says, sounding confused.
"Cullen," she says, stupidly.
His look turns to worry. "Has something happened?"
She can see his papers splayed out all over his desk, accumulating on the floor. He must have been up working already. If matters keep progressing, this will be indistinguishable from his old office in Kirkwall. She almost smiles at the bittersweet memory of when everything was still new, still untouched.
"Nothing has happened," she assures him. "I woke up earlier than I should have, that's all. I hope I haven't disturbed you."
"No, you haven't," he says.
He rests one hand on the doorframe, still regarding her with puzzlement. He must be waiting for her to ask something of him, when the fact is her mind never got that far. All she could think about was going to see him once more before what will surely be the most dangerous battle of her life, the one they all have to win no matter what it costs…
Cullen finally speaks, when it's clear that she can't. "If you're out on a walk…" He hesitates. "I mean, not to make any presumptions on my part. But if you are out on a walk, might I join you?"
"If you're feeling up to it," she says, cursing herself for sounding so reluctant.
"The symptoms haven't troubled me for over a week now. I think I could manage a walk," he says, trying to make a joke of it, but neither of them can quite find it funny. "Just give me a moment to dress."
It must be the slowest walk either of them has ever taken. They are two of the Inquisition's best warriors, and they can't seem to set one foot down in front of the other. Minutes later, they're still on the battlements, a stone's throw away from Cullen's front door. The tension is almost unbearable, and Cassandra hardly knows which is worse – enduring it in silence, or saying something she'll regret. "Are you sure you're well?" she says finally.
"Entirely," Cullen says firmly. "If you weren't leaving to confront Corypheus, I would ask you to spar with me."
She smiles, though her heart is full of sadness. "I would have liked that."
"I would have liked it too." He sighs, a sound that tears through her. "We had months here. In all this time, I don't know why I never asked you again. Maker, Cassandra, if you weren't leaving today…"
The sun rising behind him makes it difficult to discern his expression. He turns away from her suddenly, and she blinks as light shines into her eyes.
Then he's heading towards the stairs, the moment all but past.
"Cullen, wait," she says, only realizing she's spoken the words out loud when he turns.
Words desert her again. All she manages to say is the one thought that's been on her mind. "When we were here the last time, months ago, you said you had feelings for me."
He regards her steadily. "Are you asking me if I still feel the same way now?"
She has to know. "Yes."
He looks down at the ground, shoulders slumped. He doesn't speak for a long time. When he does, his voice is flat, almost affectless. "You're the most remarkable woman I've ever met, Cassandra. Even when I've been nothing but a thorn in your side."
Her heart plummets. He's trying to let her down gently. "Cullen," she says admonishingly, intending to cut him off. Anything to keep from hearing him try to soften the blow. That is more than he owes her, and more than she can bear.
"You asked how I feel about you," he says stubbornly. "I may never get another chance to tell you. I love you, Cassandra. I don't even care anymore if you don't feel the same way about me. You have made me so much better than I was, and better than I thought I could be. You hold fast to your convictions though others oppose you. You strive ceaselessly to do what is good and right. Time has only shown me more of how extraordinary you are. How beautiful. I fall more in love with you every day. That hasn't changed. I don't think it ever will."
Then he groans, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand.
"That came out wrong," he says, remorsefully. "I do wish you did feel the same way about me. I always have. I just meant that even if you don't…"
Composing himself, he straightens. "We should keep walking."
He looks at her anxiously. "Unless…"
More attuned to his reaction than she is her own, she watches the look in his eyes soften, the corners of his lips curve up. The emotion on his face takes her longer to identify. Hope.
He doesn't demand, doesn't push her. All he's done is laid his whole heart bare and open at her feet again.
"Go on," she whispers, taking a step forward, rising up on her toes.
A whimper of longing escapes her as he kisses her, as softly as a snowflake falling on her lips. One light touch and he pulls back, watching her reaction. "Was that all right?"
"Too early to tell," she says, even as her heart soars and she feels as though she might actually swoon with happiness. "We may need to keep going for a little longer."
The smile that breaks across his face is so delighted, and most of all, so amazed, that she starts to laugh. "I agree," he murmurs, just before she feels his lips on hers again, warm and soft and brimming with desire.
She puts her arms around his neck, and his hands encircle her waist protectively. He caresses the small of her back, and she knows they're both remembering the night they danced together at the Winter Palace. "Oh, Cassandra. I've dreamed of this for so long."
"So have I," she says, pulling back just a moment so she can take in the sight of him fully. "I didn't think it would ever be real. After everything…"
"All that has only taught me to cherish you more," he says, and she smiles back at him, anticipating another gentle kiss.
Instead, he turns her so that her back is against the stone wall, and braces her up against it as he captures her mouth hard. This time he doesn't hold back any of the intensity she so admires in him, and she's eager to reciprocate.
She has no sense of how much time has passed when she hears a shrill whistle. She and Cullen break apart, looking below for the source. The Inquisitor waves up at them, grinning. Quite a few people are standing there with her. "Time!" she yells.
"You have to go," Cullen murmurs to Cassandra, though he doesn't let go of her yet.
She touches his face, willing herself to always remember the way he looks now – gently illuminated by the early morning sun, his lips a little swollen from kissing her so much, his eyes full of love.
"I love you too, Cullen," she tells him. "I promise I'll come back."
She falls in battle.
Each time, the thought of Cullen waiting for her gets her back on her feet.
She raises her sword, grateful for all the training they did together. Keeps fighting back.
Before, she wanted only victory for the Inquisition. Now, she wants her life as well.
They face down Corypheus together, but it is the Inquisitor who takes him down, with fire and lightning and surpassing strength of will. As he falls, Cassandra kneels and gives thanks for the woman who led them, the unity she inspires, and the sacrifices she must make when no one sees.
Whatever the Maker wills next for the Inquisition, she prays that it will always be led so well.
Upon her return to the camp, Cassandra barely has time to dismount her horse before she hears a woman exclaim, "Cassandra!"
To her surprise, it's Leliana, hurrying over to meet her. "Thank the Maker you survived."
"Is that so hard to believe?" Cassandra says, rather crossly, but when Leliana throws her arms around her, heedless of the sweat and blood coating her armor, she knows something must have happened. "What are you doing here? I thought you were coordinating our spies from Skyhold."
"I was. But Josephine is still there, and she knows how to reach me if she needs to. I had to come find you. I have a letter from Justinia."
Cassandra's heart stops. But Leliana says quickly, "She wrote it to us before she died. I'm sorry, Cassandra. Not a day goes by when I don't wish she were still with us."
Twin tears roll suddenly down Leliana's cheeks. She brushes them away quickly, composes herself.
"Right after the Conclave," she says presently, "when we were reviewing her papers on the Inquisition, I came across a coded message for us." She eyes Cassandra, her competitive spirit renewed. "You missed it, didn't you?"
"Just tell me what it said," Cassandra says irritably. Justinia had to have known that looking for hidden messages was the last thing Cassandra would have been doing. It was such a Leliana thing… Cassandra was glad, then, that Justinia had had one last opportunity to take Leliana into her confidence. Never mind if it came at her expense.
"She wrote that she had left something for us in the Chantry at Valence. I sent agents to look, but Sister Natalie made things difficult for them. You remember Natalie, that little snake. I always said that one day she would…" She trails off, aware that she's babbling. "Anyway. Right after all of you left Skyhold, I – had a momentary crisis of faith. I set off for Valence myself and found this. I brought this to you as soon as I could."
She carefully slips a sheet of paper out of a nugskin envelope. Cassandra pulls off her gauntlets, takes it in shaking hands.
Dear Leliana and Cassandra,
If you are reading this letter, then I failed you both, and the Inquisition as well. I suppose I have been killed, or otherwise incapacitated, at an inconvenient time. How very careless of me.
When I took up service as the Divine, I knew that one of my greatest privileges would be to care for the two of you. That included releasing you from my service when the time was right. This letter will have to give you proper closure where I could not. You have served me diligently and excellently in all things. Now, at the end of the Divine's term, the Left and Right Hands should lay down their burden.
From now on, you must make your own way in the world. I had been so looking forward to watching you bloom in the next chapters of your lives. But the Maker knows the plans He has for you, plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. I am consoled when I remember that we are always in His good hands.
As I write, the Inquisition is taking form. Josephine is arriving tomorrow, and whoever Cassandra chooses as our military adviser will be here soon as well. I anticipate there will be plenty to do after the Conclave, and I hope to be there to guide you for as long as the Maker permits. I apologize if this letter is out of date. It brings me pain to write to you like this…
In any case, I am not writing to give you orders. If I am gone, then my time to issue them is past. I wish only to leave you a few words of final counsel:
There is always work to do. There always will be. But it should never be the focus of your life. Nothing matters more than your relationship with the Maker, and with those around you. Nothing is more practical than finding the Maker, than falling in Love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what gets you out of bed in the morning, what you do with your evenings, what you read, whom you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.
Fare well, my dearest ones. Do not be overly sorrowful, and continue to look out for each other. I loved you both with all my heart. I hope I did everything I could to make the world a better place for you.
Signed, Justinia, Dorothea, your sister and your friend
Cassandra folds the letter carefully and hands it back to Leliana. Leliana still looks sad, but her eyes are bright. "There are more," she says. "She wrote to us through all the years we were together. But this is the only one I've read so far. I wanted to wait for you."
"Thank you, Leliana," Cassandra says, blinking back tears. She knows that grief will pay her another visit, but she pushes it aside for now. She will not feel it today.
Leliana understands. She helps Cassandra sit down, holds her armor for her as she sheds it piece by piece. "What happens now?" Cassandra asks.
"We should return to Skyhold. Josephine will be throwing a party. And I believe Cullen will be very glad to see you." She puts on a frown. "You hopeless romantics."
Even with Leliana's teasing, Cassandra feels a smile tug at her lips. Suddenly, Leliana brightens.
"I have an idea," she says. "Shall I send a raven, telling him you've been mortally wounded in battle? That would bring him here quicker, I think."
Cassandra almost falls off her chair. "Don't you dare!"
A raven flutters over and lands on Leliana's shoulder. "Dear Cullen," Leliana muses, "such sad, sad news…"
She produces a quill from somewhere, and Cassandra makes a grab for it. The raven swoops down into the fray, soon all three of them are roughhousing.
But it's a friendly fight. In their hearts, they are both relieved to let their old ways go.
A/N: Some of Justinia's words ("Nothing is more practical… Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything" are by Fr. Pedro Arrupe, slightly adapted. She also references Jeremiah 29:11.
I didn't initially think to put Justinia in this chapter until several readers mentioned that they liked her interactions with Leliana and Cassandra. I'm so grateful they did!
I have this idea now that Justinia wrote them tons of letters and hid them in Chantries all over Thedas, and next Leliana and Cassandra will have to go track them down one by one, picking up on all the adventures they had together over the years…
Also, sorry for the goofy ending with the raven swooping and all – after nine chapters of mostly misery, I had to do something! I was wishing I could have put a nug somewhere in this super serious story and then the nugskin envelope showed up… Is it Schmooples?! Leliana will never tell.
Thanks as always for reading, and reviewing! One more short chapter to go!
