shots in the dark
IX: Jinora
she's afraid that you won't come home
Kai is dying. Or at least that's the one thing Jinora knows. He's clawing on the ground desperately, his chest heaving, gasping for breath, as he bathes in a pool of his own blood. She wants to rush over to him, to help him, to save him. But her legs are rooted to the spot and won't move no matter how much she urges him to. All she can do is watch, and it feels like she can breathe as much as he can, and she wants to look away, but doesn't she at least owe him this much? To watch him die and to mourn and to live with the image forever?
Jinora jerks awake, her limbs flailing. There's a warm weight pressing into her side and she shoves it away. "What the-?!" a voice gasps. Jinora scrambles away, wiping her eyes, which are shamefully wet. Her heartbeat slows as her brain catches up with her senses, the mid-afternoon sun blinding her momentarily. She remembers where she is. The woods, Kai, safe. They're safe. He's alive. It was just a dream.
"Sorry," she chokes out, as Kai rubs his shoulder, probably still sore from her push. "Bad dream." She blushes furiously, embarrassed not only at her reaction, but how she had fallen asleep with her head on Kai's shoulder. Her face feels very hot.
Kai gives her a look of concern. "You sure?" he says, raising an eyebrow, his lips tugged down in a slight frown. His face is open and inviting, but... Jinora's heart is still jammed in her throat.
"I'm sure," she snaps, but winces when hurt flashes across his face. She pushes her guilt away. She doesn't have to share all of her feelings with him, if she doesn't want to... Besides, that dream... She doesn't want to think about it, but it comes to the forefront of her mind anyway. She turns away from Kai, running a hand through her short hair, her fingers getting caught in various tangles.
Kai gives her space, which she's grateful for, as she undoes the tangles and he tidies up the camp.
Jinora doesn't know why the dream leaves her so disturbed or why it leaves her heart feeling weak. Honestly, Kai dying shouldn't be such a big deal when it's so likely. It's just as likely as her death, anyway, and it shouldn't unnerve her so much - why does it unnerve her so much? Because he's her... hesitant friend, and she cares about him, but it's not like she's worried about losing him, no, no way...
It's just safer to travel in a small group, that's all. Safer and smarter with a greater chance for survival.
She's not worried about him. She doesn't depend on him, or anything. She doesn't need him.
Jinora wipes her eyes. Really, she doesn't.
Part of Jinora knows she should tell him, but that would mean admitting... something. She's not sure what it is, but she doesn't want it to come spilling out. It feels uncomfortably close to her heart, nestled in the chambers of it as it pumps out blood. And if she says it, she'll feel vulnerable. She hates feeling vulnerable; she isn't in control when that happens.
Jinora can feel Kai glancing at her out of the corner of his eye every once in a while, but has clearly decided to give her time and to not pry. She's thankful. She's not sure what she would do if he pressed her. Jinora knows, deep down, that she could tell him, if she wanted to. If she had to. Jinora knows, deep down, that this is just a way to protect herself, that's she's already given away so much of herself to him, and that if he died, if she gave more, would she have anything left to ever give to anyone else.
She realizes she's like the Sanctuary, building up walls to keep the things she doesn't – or can't – deal with out. Jinora's not stupid though; she knows, like the Sanctuary, one day her walls will crumble, and she will have to face the consequences.
It's a long way to Omashu; the days get shorter and the nights get longer. Jinora wishes they didn't have to travel at night and that they could leave that behind them, but they need to cover more ground.
She dreams of Kai dying twice, each time growing more gruesome and horrible. It takes longer for her to pull herself together too, and she knows that soon, Kai won't take no for an answer and demand to know what's bothering her, if only to help her.
Jinora appreciates that. Really, she does, but how do you tell someone you're dreaming of their death? Especially when that person is your… best friend, she guesses. She doesn't know exactly where they stand, but if she had to put a label on their relationship, it'd be that.
"Jin? Hello, earth to Jin? Anybody home?" Kai's waving a hand in front of her face, his palm rough and calloused.
Jinora blinks at him. "Sorry, I zoned out. What were you saying?"
Kai gives her a small smile. "I was wondering if you're finally willing to talk about what's been bothering you. I've been able to put a few pieces together – nightmares, something awful, and you're making up excuses for it, but…" He looks away from her, staring at his shoes for a moment, before he glances up at her again, his eyes sad. "You can talk to me about anything, you know?"
It occurs to her that he's being vulnerable, showing her his soft side underneath his tough, yet smiley exterior, and Jinora wants to tell him, so badly, but she can't. Her mouth won't work.
"I know," she chokes out quietly. "Thank you."
Her brain flashes an image of his body, unmoving and cold, and she turns away from him, hoping he won't notice how her eyes are unusually bright.
Maybe she is scared to lose him. That doesn't mean she's going to tell him that.
"His birthday was today."
Jinora looks up wonderingly at Kai, as the two sit around the campfire, the flickering flames the only thing keeping the darkness at bay. The fire casts moving shadows over Kai's face and she can't make out his eyes, but from the way he's biting down hard on his bottom lip, she knows it wouldn't be farfetched to assume he was tearing up.
"Skoochy?" she guesses, keeping her voice low.
Kai nods, leaning forwards, his face jutting into the light. There's a tinge of redness around his eyes, even though they're dry. He runs a hand through his hair.
"I miss him," Kai says hoarsely, sounding almost ashamed of it. "But at least I know – I know where he is. How he ended up. I got – I got some form of closure."
Internally, Jinora thinks that depends on your meaning of closure, but she doesn't say anything, waiting for Kai to continue.
"I can't imagine what it's like, not knowing what happened to your loved ones. Are your nightmares about your family?" he says gingerly.
Her eyes are watery and she has to blink back tears. "No," she whispers, shaking her head, strands of hair falling in front of her face. She can picture his lifeless eyes and she doesn't want to see them. "No, no, it's not my family…"
Kai reaches out to touch her face, and Jinora flinches without thinking. Their eyes lock and Jinora gives him a silent apology. He reaches out again and this time succeeds in tucking some strands of hair with a tenderness that makes a shiver run down her spine.
"Old friends, then?" Kai asks gently. Jinora shakes her head again.
"No," she says, a hollow laugh spilling out of her as she wipes her eyes. "No, I, uh, never really had a lot of friends. I was always too logical, knew it was unlikely I wouldn't get hurt. Too serious. Too busy, but um… I think it was better, in the end," she sniffles and feels embarrassed she can't stop sniveling.
Kai brushes her hair off her face, looking at her as if he wants to say something but isn't sure how to, and then swallows it. "Hey, I'll take the first watch tonight, okay?"
"Okay," she whispers. She starts to walk over to her sleeping bag (a much-needed product of Senlin), when she stops, her fingers wrapping around his wrist. She struggles to meet his eyes, concerned and attentive. "Hey Kai," she sniffles, smiling tearfully. "Thanks… for everything."
She can tell he's surprised when she pulls him into a brief but tight hug, his body quickly relaxing for only a few seconds before she pulls away again. Kai smiles at her, and she thinks, just maybe, it makes sense she's scared of losing him.
She just hopes, as she settles down to sleep, that the nightmare – for that's what it truly is, not just a dream, not just a bad one, but a full-fledged nightmare – will never be a reality.
