Trigger Warning!

For this chapter. If you want any more information before reading, please feel free to pm me and I will get back to you as soon as I can.


CHAPTER NINE

I hadn't meant to. But like retracting a hand from a burning fire, my magic leapt towards them. It built a shield around Azriel, so thick anyone could see the shimmer of the clear film encasing him. But my anger had been thrown with it. I could feel the air enter her lungs, flowing into every inch of her body. Like squeezing a tube of rushing water shut, I clamped down on her airways. In an instance, her lungs and brain emptied of air; in the next, I hurried it all back in. She was alive, no damage inflicted, but her lungs had collapsed for a portion of a second. It had caused her to pass out on the cold floor. But I had managed to bring her to the floor gently, placing her down on a soft wind.

Azriel whipped his eyes to me. I had dropped my cover, feeding the air carefully in and out of Morrigan's body, ensuring she was safe.

"Katherina…"

I expected him to shout, to wrap his shadows around me like he had before. But instead he had whispered, just standing there with fear in his eyes.

I opened my mouth, but realised I had nothing to say. It wasn't that I had been jealous; it was much deeper than that. Like my whole being had rejected what was happening in front of me. I jumped down to him, pushing myself forward so I landed in front of him. I was scared of the fear in his eyes. But now I was close to his face, I realised he wasn't looking at me at all; Cassian and Rhysand stood in the doorway, eyes fixed on me.

Rhysand flew to me, stepping through the air as I felt him bend away. Appearing so close to my face, fear struck my heart. Before I could even flush, I was pushed behind a large set of unyielding wings. Cassian was in the corner of my eye, bending over Morrigan. The black feathers that shielded me blocked most of my view. I knew her breath was strong, still feeling the air moving past her mouth in a steady flow. Cassian's face relaxed, a lungful huffing out of him as he felt it too.

"She's fine Rhysand, just out."

I knew that wasn't enough for Rhysand without seeing his face; I could feel the anger rolling off him. If it wasn't for Azriel in front of me, I would have disappeared into the air and never looked back. But his wings had also pinned me against the wall, as if he'd known I would run.

"Azriel. Move." Rhysand's voice was hard, unyielding.

But Azriel didn't move, he was locked in place. I felt Rhysand push against the shield I still held around Azriel. With caution, I allowed Rhysand's dark presence in, but I was ready to throw the defence back up in a moment. Some kind of silent conversation passed across them. I felt Rhysand pushing on my mind as well, trying to break my skull open. I clamped down, biting my lip, unwilling to let him in.

Then suddenly, the pressure was gone and the air relaxed slightly. A sudden light-headedness appeared and I could taste the blood from my lips. I didn't know what had happened, only that Rhysand turned to Cassian who was still over Morrigan.

"Take her downstairs." He ordered, his voice was no longer full of anger, but now self-satisfied, like he had just won a hard-fought gamble.

I wanted to protest, tell them I should be with her, ensuring the air continued strong. But before I drew in a breath to fuel my words, Azriel turned. His wings finally relaxed, as he grabbed me and we fell off the edge of the house. I didn't have time to be shocked, to prepare for the landing; the drop was over too soon. I stood on the ground in front of the door we had all walked through less than an hour ago. Azriel walked, and I followed, unsure what else to do. Silence bit at me as we walked through the streets. It was as if the whole town knew of what had happened, and no one dared to make a sound as we passed. I trailed behind Azriel as we crossed this ghost town alone. His wings flickered every now and then.

Finally, I saw a glimmer of where we might be heading. We walked through the streets until the smell of pine became unmistakeable. And as the streets straightened out, the tops of the trees came into view. Thoughts raced in my head, spiralling. Pine wasn't what I was used to, their harsh bark and spines, but it would be better than these heartless bricks. Evergreen forest would eventually give away to jungle, if I could only travel far enough, if I went in the right direction. I was so focused on regretting not studying a map earlier that I didn't notice Azriel flinching and clenching his jaw.

Just as we were on the edge of the forest, I closed my eyes and tipped my head to the oncoming wind. But instead of drifting onwards till the pine leaves slightly scratched my face, I was pulled sharply away. An invisible tug dragged me through a thin door of a crooked building that had gone unnoticed. My heart dropped into my stomach and I wondered if I would be able to fight him; truly fight him. Varies shades of grey welcomed me inside, the only colour was the assorted cushions, same as the pine forest outside. It was one room, small, but held a kitchen of marble tops and a long sofa facing a blackened fire unit. The smoke lingered on the fabric, the windows shut to the wind outside.

We didn't venture further, but Azriel veered left up a set of curving stairs. A chilled breeze became distinguishable as I followed his pulled in wings up these narrow stairs. Why would he live somewhere he couldn't stretch his wings? I don't know why I thought this was his house, but as I climbed up behind him, I had no doubt this was his home. There was no hall or door at the top, it just opened out into another grey room. Black wood made up the long, thin mirror, small chest of drawers and the low bedframe in the centre of this cramped room. The carpet matched the sofa downstairs, and the bed sheets were the same shade of green as the cushions. The only new colour came from the brown fur throw casually placed on the end of the bed. Glass doors were open to nothing but the trees outside, a straight drop to the ground below.

Finally, Azriel turned to look at me. His face was solid, his eyes stirring with emotions swirling so quickly I couldn't decide which emotion I felt.

"You will stay here tonight." His voice was so clouded, it felt more forced than anything.

I scanned the room again, out of nervousness more than anything. "You said you wouldn't protect me." My drifting thoughts making their way to my mouth.

"What?"

"Nothing." Azriel was clearly as distracted from the moment as I was because he didn't press further.

Silence and heavy emotion pressed between us as we stared at anything but each other. He turned to the glass doors, like a wanderer in a dream, and began to pull them shut.

"Please." I begged. I was pulling the air from outside in, using it to stop the world from strangling me where I stood.

As if he was feeling the wind flowing through his feathers for the first time, he grew frigid, defying the movement.

"Why?" His question echoed with something deeper than anger.

I found myself dumbstruck, scrambling for an answer. It wasn't as if I made the conscious decision to use my magic, it didn't work like that. I found myself focusing at his shadows, their constant dancing in his outline.

"Your shadows, you control them?"

"Yes…"

"Completely?"

"… Are you saying you cannot control your magic?"

"No… Not quite." I drew in a breath and tried to focus my thought pattern to a coherent stream. "My magic is not just a thing I control; it is part of me. It flows through me, through my emotions. It is a reflex. And it can leave, if I cannot hold it." Azriel just stood there, brows pulled in so forcefully, multiple lines formed above them. "When I felt your…" I trailed, unable to explain, for I didn't understand myself, "I have felt like that once, and it burned me... I couldn't…"

I saw Azriel begin to move towards me, felt the wind rush in like a tidal wave; but they were hazed. A distant memory from a shut door I pushed and pushed against, willing with my heart would shut forever, became my only reality.

It was the first time it hurt; and this hurt so much. I had been warned of the pain of losing my maidenhood, but I had never felt that pain. I was warm, safe and open to my first lover. I didn't even bleed till the third time. This was the first time I had bled since.

I choked on the air in my throat; for the first time my magic had betrayed me. My pain and hurt of my mother's death had me spent. That was three years ago, but three years was nothing to an unending life; and I had been running ever since. I had travelled to other islands in that time but had never talked to anyone. I was alone, purely alone. Even my magic had left me.

My scream that never came died as it seared like wildfire between my legs. Hot liquid felt sticky on my thighs and tears fought to escape my prickly eyes.

He had cornered me, and I had not had a weapon. I had never needed one before that. Afterwards I learnt to carry a dagger.

When he eventually finished inside me, I crumbled on the brick floor. The pain hadn't gone with him. He flicked a rusty coin at my feet, laughed and walked away. My dress was stained with muddy puddle water and blood. But still I did not cry. I stayed there all night, my legs hurting so much I didn't dare stand.

Finally, the daylight fell on my face. It had crept down the side of the building and spilled onto me. I could feel its heat filling me, giving me strength. Despite the sun rising, there was no hint of the city around me stirring, waking. But through the towering, bending rooftops and into the narrow streets, I could feel the pale twitches of a breeze loaded with salt.

I stood, my legs cramping but they refused to fail me. It hurt to move my legs too close together so I had to walk with a slight waddle. I changed out of that dirty, wasted, torn, bloody rag that clung to my broken body. I washed away the dried blood flaking off my thighs and dressed in man's clothing, knowing now it would be safer. I left this city. I was done with travelling. I wanted to retreat to somewhere where no person would be; for was no longer alone, hanging onto that hope that sing like whispers through the air.

The bruises on my legs and wrists lasted for over a month.

I hadn't realised I was talking aloud until my parted lips pulled in again for air. They were dry and cracked, as were my tired eyes. It took me a second to remember the present. I had been staring at nothing. At some point my legs had given up and I had drifted backwards so now I sat on the bed. I moved my fingers through the brown fur beneath me, feeling comfort at the movement. Gently, I made a wind pass through the open double doors and brush through my hair, onto my face.

Azriel was on the bed as well, beside me. I felt him assess the situation. His wings and hand flickered, his face twitched; he was unsure whether he was allowed to touch me. I hadn't allowed myself to recall that memory. And now it hung in the air, along with the silence that seemed to follow us everywhere.

A shuddered clearing of the throat echoed through the room. "I will be downstairs if you need me." He stood awkwardly, his back to me. "There are clothes in the drawers, take whatever you need."

My hand drifted out and my fingertips touched a feather ever-so-lightly. He paused, but didn't stop me; Azriel only moved again once I had lowered my hand. He floated downstairs, leaving me alone.

Questions raced through my head but I pushed them aside. I moved to the drawers, briefly casting my gaze over the contents inside. As I expected, it was a dark mixture of black and grey. The idea of wearing Azriel's clothes made me very uncomfortable, but if I didn't, all I had was this dress and limited underwear; and I was not going to sleep in his bed naked. I pulled out a loose t-shirt and soft bottoms. I eventually swapped the bottoms for his boxers, as his clothes were much too long for me and I couldn't walk otherwise. Looking in the mirror, I turned and saw long slits in the back where his wings would fit. I couldn't help but wonder how he put on clothes. And I made a mental note to keep my back to the wall. The wind drew me to the doors, still wide open. I stared at the forest longingly, a million thoughts appeared and I pushed them away. I wanted to be free, but something held me back. I had debts I couldn't just run from, that wasn't who I was.

Fingers of smoke floated through the cold air, flowing up the stairway. I sneaked down and poked my head out to the room. Azriel was asleep, motionless, with the fire before him. I crept back upstairs and picked up the fur throw. He was fully dressed but his shoes had been kicked off. I placed the throw over him, delicately to ensure I didn't touch his wings and disturb him. The smoke was heavier down here, and I noticed his shadows shrink away from it. Softly, I sent a fresh breeze from upstairs down, to reduce the fire down to a comfortable warmth and washed the smoke away. As I turned to leave, his hand grabbed my own. I froze and turned, but he was not awake. I looked at his hand and held my breath as I truly saw his scars. They were unmistakably made by a fire, and snaked up his entire arm. The scream and smell of burning flesh rushed in my mind and it took me a couple of seconds to force them out. Rubbing a thumb over his hand and placing it down beside him, I retreated to his bedroom.

Getting under the covers helped me feel much safer, and I was glad I had decided not to close the window; although I had put up a barrier to stop any intruders. I couldn't help noticing Azriel's smell also wrapped around me and it settled my racing mind. I had so many questions about the events of tonight, trepidations about my sudden sense of loyalty and hope lost and gained. But my exhaustion caught up to me before I could analyse any of them.