promises in pencil
She tries on six different outfits before she settles on the right one. She'd never thought herself that kind of girl – they're only going for coffee – but she's on edge, hyperaware of what this means for them, the step that they're taking. God, months ago she'd have never thought that they would reach this place again, she never thought that she would give him the chance to win her over with his beautiful words. Yet here they are.
She tugs on her leather jacket, feels a little bit more like her old self, like the put together detective she could've been if things hadn't gone wrong.
Kate shakes the thought away quickly. No. She has no time for could've been.
Of course, she turns up early. Twenty minutes early. That's not too bad though, right? She has time to settle, though, finds a corner booth and listens to the steam seeping from the machines. Gauges those around her. They don't seem to spare her a second glance, no dull recognition in their eyes, and her tense heart relaxes at that. Good – That's. Good.
He slips into the chair opposite her ten minutes later, ten minutes early for their date-which-isn't-a-date. Castle raises his eyebrows and she finds herself hooking her trembling fingers beneath her thighs, their shins brushing. It's all too much at once, he's everywhere.
But she stays.
"I, uh, hi," he says, grimacing.
Air is foreign to her lungs. It takes her a long time to form words.
"Hey, Castle."
Castle nods repeatedly and she has to smother the fond smile that rises to her lips, hides it with her hand. He's – adorable, really, in his own way. It makes this easier somehow. She may not deserve him, she may not want this for him, but he makes her smile and he makes her forget that they were pushed together and ripped apart by tragedy.
"You should smile more," he says suddenly, eyes dropping down to her hand covering her smile. "It's – It's nice to see you smile."
She drops her head, falling beneath the curtain of her hair. Shorter and lighter now, but enough to hide her.
"Castle," she warns.
"What? It's true."
She peeks up at him, blushing slightly, and she sees his clear blue eyes. So clear. It makes her heart flutter, knowing that he's telling the truth, not trying to clear the air or convince her she's made the right decision by giving in. It's just Castle telling the truth. Castle and his fliterless mouth.
"Thank you," she murmurs quietly, twisting her hands in her lap.
"So, what can I get you?"
"Oh, no – I was gonna – "
"Kate," he says, and it makes her entire body flush. "Seriously. Let me fufill my masculine needs."
She barks out a laugh at that, revels in the sparkle in his eyes.
"Fine. Grande skim latte, two pumps sugar free vanilla," she tells him.
He wiggles his eyebrows. "That specific, huh?"
"Shut up," she says, smiling shyly, watching as he walks to order for them.
He's – Everything that he's always been, she thinks, as she watches him smile charmingly at the young barista, hiding a giggle as the young girl blushes brightly as something he's said. He's still Castle, despite all of this. And that's, well, that's as beautiful and endearing as it's always been. She doesn't know what she'd expected, really. There's still anger lingering between them, years of endless frustration and despairing loneliness. His heart is a little mottled around the edges, and there are weary lines on his face, age claiming him. But he's still him.
And he still loves her.
Kate sighs, pressing her hands against her temples for a moment. No. They'd – at least, she thought – agreed to take things slowly. No big words. Just coffee. To see how things go. Like friends, somehow.
She looks up when he places her coffee in front of her, along with a bear claw. She looks to him in confusion.
"You looked a little pale," Castle tells her. "Besides, you can't tell me that you don't like bear claws."
Kate can't help the smile that rises, unbidden, as she pulls the pastry towards her.
"Thank you," she says, watching him watching her as she takes a sip of her own coffee.
His eyes flicker between her and the bear claw when she places her coffee down, and she tries to ignore the way that he's looking at her, she really does. An amalgamation of concerned lover and overbearing friend. It's too much, so she looks down, toys with the napkin that the bear claw sits upon. The thought of eating makes her stomach roll. She's not exactly been… good with food, since leaving that place. Small snacks keep her going. But now, there's so many nerves tumbling about inside of her. It wouldn't be a good idea.
"Eat."
Her eyes snap up to his and see the stern look in his eyes. She blinks quickly, stunned temporarily, before she tightens her jaw and breathes through the sudden flare of anger that rises within her. This is Castle, she tells herself, he means well.
"I'm not gonna break, Castle."
"Maybe not. But eat, Beckett."
The way he reverts to her last name hurts, so she glances back down at the damn pastry, conflicted by what she's feeling. It shouldn't be so easy to feel like a disappointment. It shouldn't be this easy to doubt herself, her choice, ever giving him her number in the first place. It shouldn't be this easy, but it is.
"It's not your job to worry about me, Castle," she tells him softly, picking at the food.
"I know. But that doesn't mean I don't."
"Castle," she says softly, looking back up. "Please. Don't."
"I can't help it," he sighs, rubbing a hand across his face. "Kate, you're everywhere, in everything. All the time. I don't know how to make it stop."
"I know," she says bitterly. "I know you want to make it stop."
Castle shakes his head. "No, you don't get to be mad about that."
"But you're allowed to worry about me? You're allowed to throw away years of your life? I don't like your double standards, Castle."
"Kate, you pushed me away. Not the other way around," he hisses. "Or did you forget that?"
The stubborn anger she had felt clawing its way from her lungs to her throat dissipates suddenly. Of course. He's right. She's being a jerk, throwing things like this in his face, when he's only saying things that she had wished for years he could do – move on, be happy, forget her. It stings, of course, that he wants that. That she ever wanted that. But it makes sense. Honestly, it's the only thing amongst all of these broken lies and fragmented half-truths that makes sense.
"You've got to understand, Castle," she says. "It's not – I never wanted you to move on for my own selfish benefits."
"Oh yeah?" Castle says in disbelief. "Because, to me, it seemed like you'd had enough of childish writer hopelessly chasing after you."
Words stick to the sides of her throat for a moment as her heart stays stuck in the middle. No – Never. How could he ever think that?
"It's because I care about you too much to let you throw your life, your happiness, away because of me, Castle," she tells him sadly. "But I'm still selfish enough to hold it against you if you try."
Castle's shoulders shed their heavy weight at her words, and his stern, angry eyes return to the clear blue she fell in love with all those years ago.
"Let's not – How are you?"
The change of topic is so sudden, takes her by surprise so quickly that she lets out a nervous, stunned laugh. She reaches up to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, buying time, because damn, she is still every bit in love with this maddening, frustrating man as she always has been. Always will be. No matter how many times she's tried to make it stop.
"I'm – I'm okay. How are you?"
"Good. I've just signed another 2 book deal for the Nikki Heat series."
She stops her cup on its journey to her lips. "Yeah?"
"Yeah," he confirms, grinning. "The readers love Nikki Heat. Quite rightly, too."
Nikki – what she represents and how she terrifies Kate – is a conversation for another time. For now she's allowed to smile at his pride, at his compliment. For now she is allowed to reach over and tangle their fingers while the rest of the world keeps turning and nothing stops. For now, for now, for now.
They are precious and fragile but for now they are together.
"Even after all this time?"
"Of course," he says, like it's the simplest thing in the world. "Nikki's… Extraordinary. The muse isn't too bad, either."
She can feel his fingers twitching against hers, a slight hesitation clamouring around in his eyes. She doesn't address it, instead squeezes their tangled fingers together like it's the most natural thing in the world. It would be. If they were different people.
"The new one's coming out soon, isn't it?"
He gives her a knowing look, smirking slightly. "You're totally subscribed to my website."
She feels the heat flood to her face immediately. "I am not."
"Are too."
"Castle, we're not playing this childish game."
"As soon as you admit you're subscribed to my website, I'll back down," he says smugly.
She sighs in mock-frustration, rolling her eyes. He really is a child.
"Fine. I am subscribed. So what?"
He grins. "So nothing. Just proves you're totally a mega fan."
Oh – She wants to twist his ear for that.
"You want me to sign for you, Beckett?" He leers at her, eyes flicking down to her chest for a moment as he leans forwards, lowers his voice. "I'd be more than happy to oblige."
"I'm not one of your groupies, Castle," she dismisses him playfully, shoving on his shoulder so that he leans back in his seat but their hands stay linked. "You don't get to sign my chest."
"You wait, Beckett," he says, "you'll be begging me to sign your chest as soon as you realise what you're missing out on."
She snorts. "Yeah, right."
They stay that way for another hour, joking and laughing and flirting and hands always touching, fingers smoothing against one another, pads pressing lightly and memorising every rise and fall, each bump, each indent, every perfect imperfection that makes them whole.
They stand when their coffees are finished and the bear claw between them has finally been eaten, no longer having any pretence to be there. Castle helps Beckett with her jacket when she can't find one of the sleeves, and she tries not to blush at the feel of his fingers against the nape of her neck, when they run against the length of her arm.
"So, I'll uh, see you next week?"
He looks so earnest, but also so afraid and cautious, when she looks up at him.
So she smiles, a hand on his bicep as she lifts on her toes and presses a gentle kiss to the corner of his mouth.
"See you next week, Castle."
TBC
