MS: Hello my lovelies, here is the fast update you were promised :) I know I know; Not as fast as I sorta made it out to be, but I've been balls-to-the-wallz excited over the last few days. Thursday coming, I leave on a school trip to Europe! :) Paris, Amsterdam, London and Brussels! How kickass is that? Yeah, I know; Pretty kickass. But anyways, just wanted to give everyone a heads up because the trip's 10 days long and that means I can't update for awhile until after I get back. But the good news is that after this chapter, there's a sibling-themed one and then an Embry-themed chapter; Then it's Leah vs. Emily ;) Yeahyeah; Be pumped.
Otherwise folks, I'll let you get to your reading :) I'd like to thank my marvelous friend StealthLiberal (go read her fuckin' story, it's sickkkkk) for being my beta sort-of and offering precious insight for this chapter and hopefully many chapters to come. :) Now read on, and enjoy the pack's wistfulness.
Jared paused; His brown tail stopped swinging with his gait, his snout lifted skyward as he watched the towering cliffs pass by him as he walked... The cliffs he'd grown up with, the cliffs he and his friends had dived from as a bunch of crazy kids growing up in La Push.
The rest of the pack froze.
'"GET BACK, THE FALL WILL KILL 'EM BOTH!"
"NO!"
...
'Jared... What are you doin' man?' Paul turned his grey head, flattening his ears a bit.
That memory was too vivid... The rain, the snow and the wind and the crash of the rocks... The crash of the rocks that buried their pack sister beneath them like an avalanche, a cage to forever, threatening to take her away from them for good.
'Sorry... I couldn't help it.'
They were memories no one had ever wanted to relive again. Jake breathed a heavy sigh of relief that Leah and Sam weren't with the pack on patrol, the sound coming out a wet wheeze. At the head of the pack, he flicked his tail irritably.
'I think it's time for a break...'
The pack fell in around Jacob, making for their usual meadow that they spent the majority of their time in. There was usually always someone on patrol, yes, but on days where the group of wolves wanted to just relax or take a load-off they liked to pool together in their phasing meadow.
It was a lovely place, bordered on one side by the small stretch of forest that lead to the beach (and the cliffs...), near to Sam's house and Jacob's. The rest of the meadow was surrounded by thick, luscious, tall groves of trees and shelter that kept it cool in the summer, warm in the winter and the grass was soft and there were plenty of places large wolves such as themselves could lie out and enjoy the sparse sunlight. Jared waded over to his favorite spot, under a hollowed trunk with a grand view of the rest of the clearing. There he flopped down onto his side, woodsy tail striking away the dense underbrush of the forest.
'I don't think I'm ever gonna be able to look at the cliffs again and not see that.'
'Did you really ever expect it to be easy?' Embry sat beside him, his silver-hued paws raking at the ground as his own tail ceased it's wagging.
'No... But I was hoping it wasn't gonna be this hard.'
Paul, Jake and Quil couldn't help the way their ears drooped, like a plant's leaves in need of water. Being reminded of those horrible days spent rotting in the cave, facing certain death on the battlefield and seeing Leah in so much pain were like cold slaps in the face each time the past was dredged up from their heads. Like being slapped in the face with cold water, really... Like the spray of the rain when they watched her jump-
'Goddammit Jared, now I can't get it outta my friggen head either.' Paul rumbled in his chest in irritation. Out of everyone (void of Sam and Leah of course), Paul probably hated to be reminded the worst. Since it was mostly his fault that Leah took off anyhow... He just wanted to leave what he'd done in the behind and focus on the front; Leave what is done, done; And move forward.
But yeah; Seemed like a pipe dream so far.
'...I really thought she was dead...'
Five wolfish heads snapped to the right of them, where Seth sat... His furry head hung in sad uncertainty.
Fuck, they'd forgotten he was still there to listen.
'Dammit... I'm sorry, man.' Jared let a low whine of apology echo out of his bark-colored throat, but Seth only nodded his large head once. The sandy wolf moved to lie down then, front paws outstretched on the green knoll of the meadow.
'It's okay, I guess... I know I won't ever get used to it. I even had nightmares, after we brought her back... I couldn't sleep for days.'
Quil laid down on his chocolatey side as well. His fur was brown, as Jared's, but a few tones lighter in color; Helped him blend in well with the woods in the summer time. 'I know what you mean... I had some bad dreams too. Claire must've thought I was a friggen idiot.'
'I think you're a friggen idiot.'
'Not funny Paul.'
The most volatile member of the pack shook out his coat with a mental sigh. '...I thought she wasn't gonna make it either. What a fuckin' drop man... Must've been... Twenty, thirty feet?'
'Almost forty...' Seth whimpered out, burying his pale snout in between his paws. 'Like... I can't describe how lucky she was, just to be alive... Then those rocks that fell on her, and...' The younger Clearwater sibling couldn't continue. Jake's heart broke a little in his chest. For Sam to suffer and see Leah like that, that was one thing... But no one had really taken into account how bad it had to be for Seth.
That was his sister, his family... He'd seen stuff at his age that no youngster should ever see; Ever.
It made his blood run a little cold. Moreso as Seth kept talking.
'I was thinkin' you know, the whole time she was up there that maybe she was gonna fall... But when it happens, you still shit yourself and you can't believe it.'
The reddish-brown alpha wolf looked skyward with his brown eyes.
'We're really gonna talk about this?'
Paul continued to pace the roundabout of the green meadow, ears intent on listening to each and every thought on the breeze that whistled through his head. Honestly, since driving his packsister to near suicide he'd become more open and attentive to his brothers' and sister's thoughts... Their feelings, and how he said what he wanted to say. He knew he'd always be a dick; There was just no changing that. He was a brutally honest person and volatile and argumentive at best. Without an 'Off' switch.
But jesus, he'd been trying.
'Well... We don't talk about it alot.'
Jake turned his head towards Paul.
'No, we don't. I thought there was a reason for that.'
'Well, yeah... I mean we're not gonna bring that shit up in front of Leah... Christ, not even in front of Sam. But maybe we should... Talk about it..? Get some shit off our chests, yah know...'
'More apologizing, Paul?' Seth watched him, noticing how the younger Clearwater's own comment made his brother's fur bristle in the slightest... Made his trek alter in beat. Paul had apologized enough times and so many more... Only now did the pack really see that side of Paul that wanted to talk and be buddy-buddy.
That side of Paul that wasn't all mean words and snapping jaws.
Paul sat his furry ass down and swiped his tongue over his teeth. Talking about this, it would always leave a bitter taste in his mouth.
It starts with
one thing; I don't know why.
It doesn't even matter how hard you try;
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
to explain in due time.
'No... Not unless you want another one.'
'No thanks.'
'Good. So how many years have we all known eachother?'
Quil mentally hummed, brown tail wagging with interest.
'It's gotta be... Hm. ...Wait, why do the number of years matter? We all grew up together, so all our lives pretty much.'
Paul nodded his silver head once.
'Exactly...'
Quil huffed out a wet wheeze in confusion.
'Exactly what? I don't get it.'
Embry sighed mentally, his claws absent-mindedly raking at the foreground between his paws, upturning soil and rocks and grass.
'I know what he's getting at. He means to say, that since we've all been hanging out for like, our entire lives,...'
The pack's ears twitched and turned with careful attention as they listened to Embry explain the merit of Paul's question.
'...Imagine how different it would be if Leah really died, and... We weren't this full pack anymore.'
All I know...
Time is a valuable thing; Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings.
Watch it count down to the end of the day,
the clock ticks life away.
It's so unreal...
Seth whimpered... Flattened himself to the ground as he veered his eyes away from his brothers. He didn't want to think about it... He couldn't. While Leah was still missing, before the pack was out there in the thick of it... Seth had thought so many times, what the world would mean to him if he'd lost his sister. What the family pictures in the hallway would resemble, how the packmind would feel... If he'd forget about her, like everyone else did... Because life had to go on.
With or without Leah. (His thoughts registered that state of La Push, where the world seemed to be without it's color.)
His own mother had made that clear to her more than once.
"Leah, do you enjoy being this miserable? Is this really how you want to live out the rest of your life? Sam and Emily have made their choices and are happy with them, even if they don't involve you; Even if they weren't the right choices to make, they've been made. You need to accept that which you cannot change and move on, sweetheart because you know how seeing you so unhappy makes me feel... How it makes your brother feel. You need to smarten up. If not for yourself, then, for us."
Thinking back on that now, (the pack watching Seth's thoughts unawares) he really could see why Leah had hated their mother... Sue left home days at a time to spend in Forks with Charlie, and Leah was always left in charge, looking after his bored ass. When they needed food, it was Leah who bought it out of her own money (or lack there-of). Their mother had sat down to the table in the Clearwater home with Emily the day their scarred cousin had come to beseech Leah into being a bridesmaid... It had been Sue who called Leah rude, and a bad friend when Leah had reacted quickly with a sharp 'Fuck You.'
Sue Clearwater had become self-obsessed, it seemed, the moment Harry died and Seth was so caught up in how awesome it was being a werewolf, that he'd barely had the time to set his mom straight or worry about how what she did made his sister feel.
Seth couldn't help but wonder, aloud to the pack,
'Would Mom have realized how wrong she was, or regret anything, if Leah didn't ever come back...? If she died...?'
Didn't look out below.
Watch your time go right out the window.
Trying to hold on, you didn't even know.
I wasted it all just to watch you go...
I kept everything inside and even though I tried,
it all fell apart.
What it meant to me
will eventually, be a memory
of a time when...
'Of course she would've...' Seth looked at Embry, the spotted wolf's eyes slowly blinking as he changed his gaze from the ruined ground by his paws to Seth's forest green eyes. 'Everybody makes mistakes, Seth... Sue apologized to Leah, didn't she...? Leah told me she did...'
'Yeah... Leah said Mom even cried. Mom's working at it... I can tell.'
'Isn't that what we've gotta do now then...? Work at it?' Quil dropped down beside Seth. Wolves in the wild responded to touch and closeness more than howls or barks, so when a packmate was hurting, being close was an excellent way to show support.
'Yeah, but I don't see how we can do more than we're already doing. We're here when she needs us, we don't bring up what we did, we give her time... That's all we can do, in the end I guess. Be there for her, accept the mistakes we made and hope she forgives us.'
Jake's words were wise and true; At times like this it showed through his alpha blood, how good of a leader he was despite his age.
'Leah does forgive you guys... You know that, right?' Seth looked around again at his brothers. Some nodded... Some didn't.
Leah wasn't the only one who needed time to heal.
I tried so hard; And got so far.
But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
I had to fall, to lose it all...
In the end, it doesn't even matter...
One thing; I don't know why.
It doesn't even matter how hard you try.
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
to remind myself how I tried so hard...
'...I can't even remember what I was screaming, y'know, as she fell. I was, screaming something, but... I can't remember.' Jared's paw was idly scratching at some of the bark that had splintered off the trunk behind him, watching his claws strip the slab of more and more flesh. It reminded him vaguely of the hope he'd tried to keep in his heart...
Piece by piece, it had withered away.
First there were the days she was missing... It was sort of like one face disappearing from a portrait, photograph after photograph until all the evidence of that one person had gone from the world. Then came the announcement that she'd been shot... That she wasn't healing right. They were shapeshifters, yes; And they were strong. But the pack had found out that day that wolves were a far cry from invincible. After that, there was the rockslide that sealed the entrance to the cave... Hell if it wasn't for the sprite vampire he would've been crushed. Days were long in that cave... tick tock. tick tock.
Lastly, he'd charged onto the battlefield with his brothers in a last-ditch effort to save Leah and they'd failed, epically. In the end it was up to her. Maybe it was always, up to her.
Yeah... Hope made like shale rock those weeks ago.
'I don't think I could remember what I said either... I'm not sure if I want to.' Embry's thoughts had lowered a decibel, as he too (like Jared had done earlier) replayed the horrid scene in his mind's eye like some sort of video recording, seen from a first-person angle.
Like it was some twisted thriller movie... Made to make your heart stop beating.
'I wish I knew what I said... Just because. I'm sure if I knew, it would sound like I didn't say enough.'
Once again Jake thought the words everyone had been too afraid to. The words that meant, that Leah had yet more reasons to not forgive them. For things to never go back to the way they were before...
Before they phased.
Before they became monsters.
Before this responsibility.
Before they'd imprinted.
Before she'd been nearly killed, right under their noses and so close to their hearts...
''Said enough'? To me, we still-...' Paul growled softly to himself; His grey bushy tail flicking irritably from side to side like he'd been flea-bitten and grumpy about it for days. '...To me, we still haven't done enough.'
''Still haven't done enough'? Paul man, I wish I could go back and take back all the crap I said to her too but there's really nothin' else we can do for the girl... Be here when she needs us, like Jake said and just stop being dicks...' Quil's light brown fur began to gleam in the sparse light through the trees, and the animal lifted his snout into the air.
Sunlight... He would never take it for granted again. (Ten times better than hail, and snow, and rain, and sleet.)
'I get that, I do, and I know you're sick of me sayin' it and shit but really; Back to what I started earlier. I think we should sit down sometimes, not right now I mean; On our own, and think about the crap she's done for us. The shit we've made her do for us.' The scenic surroundings in Paul's head changed then; And he saw once again the time he and Leah fought side by side in battle.
'But I do think, Paul. I think about it alllllll the fucking time.' Jacob cocked his head; Listening to the chirp of the birds, the running of the creek only a kilometer or so away. The rustling of the leaves in the trees.
These daily things... These simple, daily things had become so important after the storm that threatened to take it all away.
Berating Leah on a daily basis for hurtful thoughts, advertising her pain to laugh at in secret, trying to ignore the sorrowful looks on her face when she saw Sam and Emily kiss...
They had all been daily things too.
In spite of the way you were mockin' me;
Acting like I was part of your property.
Remembering all the times you fought with me;
I'm surprised it
got so far..
'We made her, what she was.' Paul, Embry, Jared and Quil all hung their heads. '...And then we nearly destroyed it.'
Jacob's own reddish-colored ears bent and nearly flattened to his skull in shame as he settled back down to lie. See, normally Alphas stand tall over their pack; Or sit on their haunches when they talk.
Talking about this... It made Jake want to sink to his belly and wean.
Things, aren't,
the way they were before;
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore!
Not that you knew me back then
but it all comes back to me
in the end...
You kept everything inside
and even though I tried,
it all fell apart.
What it meant to me will eventually
be a memory of a time when
I tried so hard;
Quil's nose was still uplifted to the sun; Gazing at the blinding light as though he could dare himself to stare into the abyss forever without flinching. With Leah home, La Push felt more... Homely. Once again the pack's usual behaviour had begun to manifest. Family suppers (This time at the Clearwater's. But there was the occasional get-together at Sam's... Emily nowhere in sight.), going house to house without so much as a knock on the door, spending more time at your pack's houses then your own... Life in La Push had returned to what it was supposed to be.
What it should've been... All along.
And go so far...
But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
I had to fall,
to lose it all...
In the end, it doesn't even matter...
No one had ever anticipated what life would've actually been like had they lost a member... Lost a packbrother (and at the very least, their packsister).
The closest call that they'd ever come to really losing someone, was the day Jacob had gotten grabbed by that newborn Leah had tried to take a bite out of. After that, the pack had really taken a liking to trying to make a meal out of Leah herself... More hurtful comments, more debates about her uselessness, her responsibility, just why they had to deal with someone like her. She had acted so headstrong, so belligerent to admit she had gotten Jacob hurt, and hurt bad.
Jake lifted his muzzle once more into the sky. He recalled the days spent in bed, his bones, after experiencing the worst pain in his life, still regrowing and reshaping. Leah had shown up the very next day... Billy hadn't been inclined to let her inside, even. Jake could see the worry, the anger etched onto his old man's face and even though he knew inside, that his father knew Leah hadn't meant for Jake to get hurt... That Billy still blamed her.
Leah brought with her the same words she'd screamed at him on the battlefield, the same phrase she'd cursed into Sam and Emily's ears. 'I fucking had him! He should've stayed out of it!'...
Seth weined softly, covering the end of his nose with two large dusky paws.
But Jacob had seen it... When she stood at his bedside, her fingers twitching where they rested beside his own hand. Like they itched to soothe him, to help him... But her pride wouldn't let her.
They'd made her that way.
Now, they were so afraid to even joke to the girl that honestly, the boys could tell their apprehension over her was making Leah uneasy.
'Christ I even hold the damn door for her now... I pulled her chair out at dinner last night like a friggen pussy.'
'Paul you are a friggen pussy.'
Some of them chuckled a bit while Paul and Jared quipped at eachother. Life was returning to normal... Even if it would take awhile for Leah to feel like she was being valued, instead of coddled.
Though Sam did coddle; He really did.
...Okay, so maybe they all did; Just a little.
Maybe it was safe for Quil to admit that Leah looked a little cute sometimes when she got flustered, over not even being able to open a car door for herself, or having someone call her every fifteen minutes just to check on where she was, how she was doing... Maybe it was okay to want to spend time with the girl Embry had never really gotten to know... Or, forgotten about.
Things were being seen in a different light... And as much as they wanted to change the means as to how they'd been made to see said light, they couldn't. And Leah accepted that... Soon, so would they.
Maybe it was okay, to feel like Leah was just as important to the pack as the boys were... And maybe even more.
Jake huffed softly in a quiet recognition, sitting up now... Watching over his pack, his family.
'Yeah... I think it's all maybe okay. Besides... Any girl who can survive all that has got to have a bigger set of balls then I could've ever imagined.'
I've put my trust; In, you.
Pushed as far as I can go.
And for all this;
There's only one thing,
you should know...
I've put my trust; In, you!
Pushed as far as I can go;
And for all this...
There's only one thing
you should know...
'...I wonder how Leah's check-up is going...' Quil lowered his snout.
'I dunno... Good, I hope.' Embry looked at him.
Jacob's large bushy tail began to wag.
'Wanna go see?'
Seth was the first one to his feet.
'I'll race yah.'
His alpha grinned mentally as his brothers climbed to their paws, shook out their coats like the proud animals they were and barked in excitment. 'Sure thing. Over the river and through the woods, to the vampire's house we go.'
I tried so hard; And got so far.
But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
I had to fall, to lose it all...
In the end, it doesn't even matter.
The pack ran together, feeling short two members in their mindset and deciding that just wouldn't do.
Because that was exactly it; A pack meant together. And as long as they kept on running with that thought in their hearts, no matter silent or noisy, they would be fine.
No one could imagine a world, where one of them didn't exist.
