Author's note: When I started to write this chapter earlier today it was going to be just a little drabble inspired by one of my favorite scenes from season two and one of my all time favorite scenes resolving around George Mason. Well, look what happened: what was going to be just a simple drabble ended up being a long one-shot (well, I don't know if I would call this a long one-shot, but it definitely is longer than what I had in my mind when I sat in front of the computer screen this morning with the idea for chapter nine playing in my head).
I hope you all like it, because I'm not sure if I do. I would have liked writing something a lot better than this, but yet again I am never happy with what I write so maybe this is not so bad after all.
Since George is a character I love and I always felt he should have had a 'find something that makes you happy and do it' conversation with Tony before he left the CTU building for the very last time, I'm probably gonna be writing him in chapters to come, although I haven't thought about it yet. But it would be good if you told me in the review I am hoping you will leave me after you're done reading this if you would like to see some Tony-George interaction in upcoming chapters.
Okay, enough with the author's note. Here chapter nine goes (please, please, will you leave me a review once you're done reading it? Reviews make me happy, as happy as I would be if someone knocked on my door and told me Carlos Bernard wants to go out on a date with me - okay, now that's an exaggeration, haha):
Background Noise
You are trying to focus on work, but you can't.
You can't focus on anything at the moment.
You are typing away at the keyboard of your desktop, you are pretending to be concentrated, but the truth is that your mind is wandering elsewhere.
The words George Mason said to you barely minutes ago surprised you, because in the entire time you have known him it never occurred to you that behind his sarcastic and harsh personality there was a wise man hiding, a man that did learn from his own mistakes after all, even if it was already too late when he finally sank in the lesson and took a moment to ponder it and absorb its meaning. He may have wasted his life away, he may have given up on his true dream because of money issues, he may have disappointed and let down his family more than once, and he may have not been the father his son deserved, but at least before the twilight of his life leads him into his very final dusk he is drawing upon his last chance to come to peace with himself before he passes away, which – to your eyes – makes him someone who deserves to be admired and always remembered, someone to feel proud of have known.
George is going to die today, or tomorrow, or during the course of the dawn, or during the first early hours of the following morning. Or maybe he is going to be dead by the end of the next hour. Who knows? All that you know is that he is going to die within the next twenty four hours. He is not going to live to see another day, and if he does, then he is going to be dead before he gets the chance to see another sunset.
George Mason, Director of CTU, is going to die. George Mason, director of CTU, is at the gates of death.
And you, Michelle Dessler, if a nuke bomb doesn't go off, are going to outlive him.
You are going to live to see another day, but he is not.
He is never going to have a chance to see his dreams come true.
He is never going to have a chance to make up for the lost time with his beloved ones.
He is never going to have a chance to be a teacher.
He is never going to have a chance to drink a beer with his friends and watch the game, although for some reason you can't see him doing that. You wonder if he's got any friends left; in the case he hasn't, he is never going to have a chance to make new friends and grow close again with the ones he stopped talking to a long time ago.
He is never going to listen to his favorite music again. You don't know what kind of music he listens to – come on, you don't even know if he likes listening to music –, and you can't help but wonder. The Beatles? Led Zeppelin? Eric Clapton? Jimi Hendrix? Patti Smith? He seems like the type of guy who enjoys classic rock.
He is never going to watch his favorite movie again.
He is never going to read his favorite book again.
He is never going to write a love letter again. You wonder if he has ever written a love letter to his wife. You wonder if he has ever had a wife. You once heard he was divorced, but you don't know if that's true. You wonder why they divorced; he said he had made himself miserable and everyone around him miserable because of the bad choices he made throughout his life, and you wonder if that ex-wife you once heard of was one of the persons that suffered the consequences.
You wonder if someone has ever written a love letter to him.
All these thoughts have suddenly sadden you, and once more you do your best and try to focus on what you are supposed to be doing, but once again you find yourself incapable of, now because you are being assaulted by regrets.
You wish you had verbalized your thoughts of him somehow.
You wish you had told him how much you have come to respect him and like him not only as your boss but also as a human being.
You wish you had let him know how much you are really going to miss him.
You wish he had had his opportunity to find something that made him happy and do it. You wish he had had the opportunity to choose his dreams instead of money. You are sure things would have been a lot different if he had. You are sure his life would have been a lot better, and less miserable.
You wish you had told him you are sorry you two will never have a chance to become friends. You wish you had told him you are sorry there will never be a chance to know each other better, although that last conversation with him has made you feel as if you have known him for years instead for only just months.
You wish you hadn't walked out of his office without thanking him for that piece of advice he gave you, although in his own words he never believed himself to be a good advice giver. You do think he is a good advice giver, because the words he said to you got you thinking. The words he said to you had a real effect on you, an effect anyone's words never had on you before.
You wish you had told him all those things, but for some reason you didn't. You couldn't do it; the words were there, but your brain and tongue didn't connect in time and they died before they could be said aloud. Maybe they were never spoken because of your shyness. Maybe they were never spoken because he got you off-guard when the things he said and you couldn't react the way you would have liked at the moment. Maybe they weren't spoken because the way he opened up to you astonished you so much you were left speechless.
You wish you had said something to him, anything, something that would have marked him somehow, something that would have marked him the same way what he said to you did. Never in your life had someone told you something so simple and yet so deep, something with such a powerful connotation, something with such a strong significance summarized in a handful of straightforward words with an important hidden meaning.
The words George Mason said to you barely minutes ago are still working on your ears like a hammer would if someone used one to hit your head with it; they are still eating at the very fiber of your being; they are still repeating themselves over and over again like a broken record, in shuffle and nonspecific order.
You can't stop playing them in your head, they get played against your will, they get played automatically, and they get played unconsciously in your mind. Over and over again. Over and over again. Like a broken record. Even though you are trying to regain concentration, even though you are trying to ignore them and focus on what you have to do, you can't.
So what are you gonna do tomorrow?
What are you going to do tomorrow, Michelle? What are you going to do tomorrow if that nuke bomb doesn't go off today? What are you going to do tomorrow if you survive this day just like Tony promised you would? What are you going to do tomorrow? Have you thought about it? Are you going to wake up at 6 am, have a cup of coffee for breakfast and a slice of bread without toast because you haven't learned how not to ruin toast yet? Are you going to go in really early because you feel alone at home and loneliness is something that drives you crazy although you are reluctant to admit it? Are you going to spend all day in front of a computer screen and with your fingers tipping on keyboard keys? Are you going to go home at 6 pm to an empty, cold apartment? Are you going to watch some TV while you eat your Chinese take out? Are you going to go to bed early like you always do? Are you going to live another day swallowing down your feelings for him? Are you going to cry yourself to sleep because you are in love with him but you don't have what it takes to go and tell him how you feel? Are you going to dream of him all night like you always do, those dreams you never do anything in order to make come true because you are too shy, too innocent, too insecure and way too inexperienced? Are you going to wake up the morning after tomorrow to repeat it all again? Are you going to give yourself to routine?
If the bomb doesn't go off…
Will the bomb go of? Will you be able to stop it from going off?
Earlier today he brushed your neck with his soft hand for a brief but glorious moment and promised you everything would be okay. He promised you two would survive today. He looked at you in the eyes and promised it; he looked into your eyes with his and gave you his word you two would survive today. And you believed him, of course, not only because you needed something to believe in at that moment in which you were in a voulnerable state, but also because he is the man you love and you would never doubt of this man's words.
So if he is right, if the bomb doesn't go off… What are you going to do tomorrow if the bomb doesn't go off? Have you thought about it, Michelle?
You have already thought about it and you have decided you are not going to let tomorrow be a repetition of the events that have been taken place in your life: work, eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep. That's all you do: you work, you eat and then you go to sleep (you love sleeping, because it's in your dreams that you can really have him, it's in your dreams that he is yours).
You don't know what you are going to do tomorrow, but you do know what you are not going to do from tomorrow on.
You don't know what you are going to do tomorrow, but you do know you are not going to swallow down your love for him anymore.
You're happy in this job, hmm?
Now you take a minute to analyze this question. Yes, you are. Yes, you are happy with this job: it's challenging, it's interesting and it helps saving lives of innocent people. And thanks to this job you met him, the man you are in love with, the man you have been in love with ever since he introduced himself to you on your first day there months ago. Here in CTU and thanks to this job you met him, you got to know him, you learned valuable things from him, you came to deeply admire him, you became friends with him and you fell head over heels in love with him.
You are happy in this job because he is there. But you aren't happy with your life outside this job because he isn't there, he is not really a part of it. That's something you wish you had the courage to change. That's something you know you must change, or at least try to change.
That's something you know you won't die without trying to change.
Don't wait around for your life to happen to you.
You have heard those words before, you have read those words before (come on, they were a well known cliché), but they had never been directly said to you before, not until today. And did they hit you hard. Hearing those words had on you an effect you couldn't describe even if you tried. It was a weird effect, a weird sensation they gave you, as if something had clicked in your head.
Time doesn't wait.
Time never stops.
Clocks keep ticking.
Clockwise don't stop moving.
Time passes by so quickly…
One day you are here, and the next you aren't.
One day the persons you love are here, and who knows if the next day they will still be here? When CTU got bombed earlier today and for a brief, horrible couple of seconds you thought he had died... God, were you scared. God, did your heart ache blady. God, did you think for a moment he had died without you having the opportunity to talk to him about your deepest feelings.
One day you wake up without knowing that it will be your last day on Earth, and by the time you realize it, it's definitely too late. George woke up this morning without knowing it will be his last day on Earth.
Are you going to sit there in front of that computer screen and wait for your life to happen to you? Or are you going to do something about it before it's too late?
Find something that makes you happy, and do it.
You have already found that something that could make you happy (it's a someone and not a something, truth be told), you have found it a long time ago, but you haven't got the chance to do it… yet. You haven't got the chance to let him know you feel something for him, that you would like him to be more than a co-worker, something more than a friend.
You know you love him. You know you are in love with him. You know you want to be with him so badly it almost hurts to breathe if he is not there to share the same air with you. You know he could make you happy, and you also know you could make him happy, you know you could help him dealing with some of his issues, you know you could heal his wounds, you know you could teach him how to trust again, you know you could get him to open up to you if you tried.
You know he could make you the happiest woman alive.
So what are you waiting for? You have already found something that could bring happiness into your life, now you only have to go and do it.
You have to work up some courage and do it, before you wake up someday just to figure out it's already too late.
You can sense there is something going on between you two; you have felt it for a long time ago now. You can sense there has always been something hanging on between the two of you, so why don't you give it a shot? If you don't act on it, then the chance might slip away and you will never know what could have happened. If you don't act on it, then you could regret it tomorrow, you can be sure of it.
You have just decided that, if you get to see another day, you want to live the rest of your life without dealing with regrets and with the consequences of bad decisions.
If you get to see another sunrise, you want to see it with him, wrapped up in his arms.
If you get to live another day, you want to live it by his side.
You have just decided you will wait no more around for your life to happen to you.
You have just decided you will follow George's advice… right now. And whether it goes the way you want it to go or not, you are going to do it: you won't wait around four your life to happen anymore. You have already found that something that can – and hopefully will – make you happy and nothing is going to stop you from trying to get it.
And if in the future everything gets screwed up, at least you'll know you tried.
And if the bomb does go off today and you don't get to see another sunrise, then at least you'll know you tried.
And if Tony turns you off and breaks your heart by telling you he won't go out with you, well, at least you tried. You'd be defeated in that case, yes; and the heartache would be the killing type, you are aware of that too; and the pain would be unbearable, and things would get awkward between you and him and you will never be able to look at him in the eyes again, but well, at least in the future you will remember today and know you did try. At least in the future you won't have to live dealing with regrets and whatifs.
And if you do get to live another day because the bomb doesn't go off, and nothing gets screwed up and he is the one you will be saving yourself for and waiting for during all of your life and you have your happy ending with him… Well, then, in the future, you will be glad someone gave you an excellent piece of advice. Then, you will be happy someone you never got to know until the last hours of his existence told you it was a waste of time waiting around for your life to happen and that you had to find something that could bring happiness into your life and do it. Then you will be glad you went and did it. Then you will be glad you did try. Then you will be glad you focused on what mattered and fought for your happiness.
Because everything else is all just background noise.
