Idiot
There's only so much fucking insult a guy can take before someone has to get punched. And Bobby thinking he was being a dumbass, that was par for the course. And it was an endearment more than an insult, Dean can see that. Demons thinking he's a moron because he didn't see their evil plan coming, that's severely irritating, but commonplace. Monsters thinking he's too dim to catch up, that's insulting, but a tactical advantage. But Sam thinking he's smarter than him, thinking that Dean is the weak link, that Dean is so blatantly not the brains of the operation...
Well... that's mostly projection. Because Dean knows Sam thinks he's smart. But still, sometimes he feels inadequate, like he has to prove himself but that he can't do it any other way than by being tougher, meaner, stronger, a better hunter. Because Sam got all the good stuff, he got all the brains. Sam blends in with "normal" people. But those are his issues, not Sam's. He knows his little brother doesn't think he's stupid. He even knows Sam wishes he would agree. But it's Dean's lifelong insecurity. And he thinks maybe it's his own fault, or maybe it was his Dad's. Letting Sam do homework while Dean had to clean guns. Letting Dean give up on school too early, letting him pretend like he didn't care about it. Letting Sam go to college, when Dean had the weight of their family's way of life on his shoulders.
Dean could've been smart too. He could've gone to college.
He likes Vonnegut and American History and he's good with mechanics. Maybe he could have been an engineer. Or an EMT - he's good under pressure and he's got no qualms with blood and guts. He could have passed those courses he bets. Maybe he could have written essays and stretched his mind and used, correctly, words that he now pretends not to know.
Maybe, just once, someone would look at him and see the smart one... But it's not like that. And the only one who looks at him like his brain is complexly fascinating and his opinions are deep and valid, is Cas. And that's enough for this life. But he can't help but think sometimes, how it might've been if he'd had the chance, or the bravery, to be the nerd he probably totally is. Unfortunately, now he's got an image to uphold, and it's too late to start being clever now. And it feels sad, because it feels like something's being wasted.
So when Meg squints her eyes and tilts her head mockingly and says, "Great thinking, idiot," it hurts a little deeper than it should. It pokes a little sharper than it should. And Dean walks it off, pretending he doesn't care what that bitch thinks. But he does, for some fucked up reason. Because he knows that she's not the only one who thinks it.
And he's not a fucking idiot.
