I grasped the phone a little too tightly as uncontrollable sobs rattled my whole body. I had no idea where it came from. I even momentarily forgot that Dad was somewhere in the room. I wanted to be strong… for him. But I was confused, angry, sad, and very nauseous.
Oh yeah, and pregnant.
The thought scared me so much, it made me cry even more. There were so many problems with the situation. How could I take care of a baby when I could barely take care of myself? What would Isaac think? Was it even possible for someone with cancer to give birth? I didn't want to take on the responsibility. I wasn't ready!
Something rose inside of me and I needed to throw up. Liquid spilled out of my mouth and I didn't remember forcing it.
"Hello? Congratulations?"
Dr. Maria was still on the phone.
Congratulations?
I felt somewhat empty. Like my heart and happiness had been ripped out of my body. And my vocal chords seemed to be gone too.
"Hi," It almost a whisper.
"Okay, um, meet in my office tomorrow at 11 am."
With that, I hung up and placed the phone back in its home.
On the couch, I curled up into a ball and attempted to slow my breathing.
Mom came out of nowhere and sat beside me. Dad sat on the other side of me.
"It's okay. We'll get through this together." Mom said.
I hugged her and thought of how my life had changed in the last few weeks. I also wondered how my life would be in the next few weeks. And if I would have a life at all.
Later that night, Mom and I went out to buy one of those pregnancy test things. I didn't want to believe it, but I really was pregnant.
Mom drove me to Dr. Maria's office the next morning. I decided to text Kaitlyn on the way.
Hazel: We're going to Dr. Maria's office. Oh ya, and I'm pregnant.
Kaitlyn didn't respond for about a minute. She must've been in shock.
Kaitlyn: HOLY SHIT!
I imagined her yelling that in her British accent and laughed inside. But then I calmed down to tell her that this was not a good thing.
Hazel: This isn't a good thing. How am I going to take care of the baby if I can't even take care of myself? And can the baby even survive? I don't want to give birth! I don't want to create a child that will have to go through the same things as I do!
There were so many "what-if's" that all lead downhill.
Kaitlyn: R U leaning towards abortion?
I haven't really thought about it, but the idea made me sicker than I already was.
Hazel: No. I just don't know what to do
Kaitlyn: If I were you, I would let my friends and family help me raise my child and take care of me.
But I didn't want to just dump my problems on everyone. They would think that they could handle it, but could they?
Just then, Mom parked in the parking lot.
Hazel: I don't know. I guess I'll think about it. G2G
Kaitlyn didn't respond after that.
We walked into Dr. Maria's office and she was already there.
"Please, have a seat."
We obeyed.
"So, has it been confirmed that you are pregnant?" she asked.
"Yes." I felt like I was being interrogated for committing an illegal crime.
Dr. Maria had black curly hair that fell by her shoulders. She was studying a clipboard. When she looked at me, her hair bounced a little. Her expression was solemn.
"People with cancer such as yours, don't usually try for babies." she finally said. "Look, I don't want to sugar-coat anything, but… your baby can't survive."
My face fell instantly. I wasn't keen on having a baby in the first place but I was against what she said.
"Your cancer is unpredictable and it's not safe to be pregnant… not safe for you nor the baby." she said. "By going through with this, you could jeopardize your health. If the baby is fully grown inside of you, it can put too much pressure on your well-needed organs. Hazel, you could die faster and more painfully."
Tears spilled out of my eyes at Dr. Maria's words.
"Then what do you suggest I do?"
She looked back down at her clipboard and shook her head lightly, making her curls bounce some more.
"I don't know. Abortion would probably just make it worse for you. Any other medicine or technology touching your fragile body could be dangerous, and kill you faster."
All this talk about me dying made me cry harder.
"I'm afraid, Hazel, there is nothing we can do."
