Disclaimer: I do not own Wicked or FMA.


Note: This song is sung by primarily Roy, with interjections from Ed and Riza. Roy is trying to train Ed to be a better alchemist. The timeline isn't really solid, this is just a lighthearted comedic song. Enjoy!


Alchemy

Roy: Ed now that you've become my subordinate, I've decided to make you my new project

Ed: You REALLY don't have to do that

Roy: I know, that's what makes me so great


Whenever I see someone, less knowledgeable than I,

And let's face it, who isn't, less knowledgeable than I?

My flaming heart tends to start to bleed

Riza: And when someone needs a lesson learned

You simply have to take over

Roy: I know, I know exactly what you need


And even in your case, though it's the toughest case I've yet to face

Don't worry, I'm determined to succeed

Follow my lead, and yes indeed

You'll. Be. An.


Alchemist!

You'll be an alchemist

You'll be in the proper state so you can transmutate

Little circles you have to draw! Ooh!


Ed: Don't show me what coats to wear

How to braid my hair

I don't need your help to become an alchemist

I know about alchemy.

Roy: You'll learn to help me insert

Some cute miniskirts

Riza: That's not what he has to know!

Roy: So let's start!

Cuz you've got an awfully long way to go


Riza: Don't be offended by his frank analysis…

Roy: Think of it as personality dialysis

Now that I'm chosen to become a mentor, leader, and advisor

There's nobody wiser

Not when it comes to


Alchemy

I know about alchemists

And with an assist from me

You'll grow to who you'll be,

Instead of tiny who you were, well are

Ed: There's nothing that can stop me from shoving this up your-

Riza: BOYS! Boys!


Roy: Riiiiiizaaaaaa Riiiiiizaaaaaaaa

I'm gonna make Ed an alchemist


When I see small shrimp-like creatures

With angry, red, beet like features

Ed: I'll remind you on your own behalf:

(same time)I'll smack you!

Roy: (same time) I'll be a


celebrated head of state, for making girls wear miniskirts here

Riza: Do you have brains or knowledge?

Ed: Don't make me laugh!


Roy: Hey! I'm an alchemist!

See, a really good alchemist!

It's not about being crude

It's the way you're viewed so it's very shrewd to be

Very very sexy like me!


Riza: Why, Roy Mustang. Look at you! You're terrible.

Ed and Riza: I… I have to go.

Roy: You're welcome!


I know you protest your disinterest, I know clandestinely…

You're gonna grin and swear into your newfound alchemy!

Edward Elric

You're an alchemist!

Just not quite as good at this as me!