Her brain kept rejecting the thought. There was no possible way that she could have fallen for Rainstrike. Rainstrike, who she'd bantered with as kits. Rainstrike, who poked fun at her at every opportunity. Rainstrike who—
made sure she ate? always made sure she was okay before anyone else? created a den especially for her? hid her away from the world when she needed a break?
She felt stupid. Rockfur had told her she wasn't paying attention, but how little attention was baffling. ThunderClan thought they were mates because they were mates in all but name. She'd brushed off the comments like she usually did, but did Rainstrike even know that she hadn't thought of him that way? How could he possibly think any differently, with the way she treated him? They'd never talked about it, and it was astounding to her to think that he had never asked.
Rainstrike wasn't one to assume, but certainly he must have noticed—noticed something.
Despite everything, she couldn't help but get even more frustrated with Molenose. He was asking to be her mate when he knew that she already potentially had a mate.
She could have ripped her own fur out at her own cluelessness. Having a mate had never been something that stuck in her mind—Hollyleaf had made fun of her potentially getting one, but Hollypetal had simply wanted to concentrate on training. She did not need to look for a mate while Hollyleaf was still mourning her own.
And now what was she supposed to do? Head back to camp, curl up in her nest beside Rainstrike and continue acting oblivious? How could she possibly do that when she was already so easily embarrassed?
Rainstrike was too intuitive to be unaware of—whatever it was that was happening between them. He always noticed things way, way before she did. Was he just waiting for her to catch up?
More than anything, did she actually want to be his mate? Rainstrike liked to watch kits playing around camp, would even play moss-ball with them when he had the time. Kits had been another thing she'd never thought about wanting, having. She wouldn't be good at being a mother. She was too rough, her claws were always unsheathed. She'd been trained to kill, not to nurture. Rainstrike would want to have a family with whoever he chose to be with.
Great StarClan, she hadn't even finished her thought of wanting to be with Rainstrike before jumping to if he wanted to be with her. Which, she realized, was an answer itself. Her thoughts hadn't been anything like this about Molenose, so disorganized and frantic. She'd just sat there, thinking of everything he wasn't and Rainstrike was.
She'd been brought out to think about Molenose, but suddenly the reason she was staying out was to avoid Rainstrike. She couldn't face him after this. He always knew what she was thinking, would immediately know that she was looking at him differently. But she couldn't avoid him either, because the longer she stayed out of camp, the more likely he was to come looking for her.
Surely, if she listened closely, she would be able to hear him coming already.
She just about ran when she strained her ears and heard the sound of twigs crackling under paws. He was already heading her way and if she ran he'd just keep following her, and he'd hear her running.
Her paws trembled but she wouldn't let them take her away, accepting her fate of having to face Rainstrike.
"Molenose came back without you, so I wanted to make sure you were fine," he meowed as greeting.
She felt absurdly offended. "I could take Molenose in a fight."
"Well, yes," he agreed. "But Molenose hates me and I didn't want to talk to him anyway."
She felt heat crawl through her pelt. Molenose hated Rainstrike because they were so close, she'd known that, but it suddenly made more sense than ever. "I think easier out here."
He snorted. "Think? Don't you do enough of that in camp? Let's go back."
"I'm not ready," she blurted, "to go back to camp yet."
Rainstrike padded to her side, but she couldn't move her head to look at him. If she moved too much, she'd run.
"What did Molenose want this time?"
She could hear leaves stirring as his tail swished through them. The question felt heavy, even though it shouldn't have. Nothing had changed. "He wanted to talk about being mates."
The leaves stopped rustling as his tail stilled. "Oh. I, uh... I thought you already rejected him," he meowed awkwardly.
"I did," she admitted. "But he told me it wasn't fair to reject him without actually considering it."
"Oh," he said again, tone dry. "So you're considering it."
She paused for a moment, thinking once more about Molenose. She was entirely sure she'd never be mates with him, but perhaps she was jumping to too many conclusions about him with too little proof. "Do you think Molenose loves me?" she asked.
Rainstrike's tail flicked once more, but his response held no hesitation, as if he'd come to his conclusion ages ago. "I think Molenose thinks he's in love with you."
She nodded. "I don't think he loves me either."
Rainstrike flicked his tail against her pelt. "So if you have your answer, let's head back."
She felt a bubble of panic rise in her throat and burst out, "Ah, no, I'll stay here tonight." She wasn't ready to sleep next to Rainstrike again, and going back to camp with a tom that wasn't Molenose felt rude. She hadn't rejected him yet – no need to hurt him more by going back with Rainstrike.
"You'll get sick if you stay out here. It's cold." His tail thumped against her side again.
"A better result than heading back with you," she replied without thinking. There was a long silence between the two of them as her words sunk into them both, and she felt her pelt grow even hotter. She jumped to her paws suddenly, feeling increasingly stupid. "That...that came out wrong."
When she turned to finally face him, she was relieved to find an expression of amusement crossing his face.
"I'd certainly say so," he agreed.
"I... don't want to head back to camp yet," she finished lamely.
He nodded, her accidental insult apparently having appeased him. "Goodnight."
The ThunderClan camp was always noisy. This was not a bad thing, but it was distracting and Hollypetal couldn't concentrate easily with the constant nearby gossip reaching her ears.
"Did you hear that Bumblestripe and Dovewing broke up?"
"WindClan is still coming a bit too close to our border..."
"Apparently Molenose asked Hollypetal to be mates and got rejected."
She found her eyes trailing across camp, to where Molenose was leaving with a hunting patrol. He didn't look sad. He hadn't seemed very upset when she'd told him no, seemed more irritated than anything. He hadn't tried to talk to her since. She wasn't sure if she was relieved or angry at him.
Rainstrike was by the fresh-kill pile, sharing a large mouse with Froststep. He was also not talking to her, but that was on her. She kept tripping over herself when she was near him. He'd seemed to take a hint that she needed space to think, and made his time with her short. It was lonely, but necessary for her to be able to think properly. Rainstrike was not a current priority.
Her current priority was Jayfeather, who was out looking for herbs. She was sitting at the medicine cats den entrance with Briarlight, waiting for him to return.
Briarlight was friendly. Hollypetal liked Briarlight. She could hardly concentrate on her chattering over all the other voices and her own thoughts.
"Are you sure you don't want to tell me what's wrong? I know a surprising amount of herb knowledge," Briarlight insisted.
"Oh," she said absently, "it's more of something I should talk to Jayfeather about."
"Alright," she meowed agreeably. "Now would be the time to talk to him. He's still happy about getting the stick back."
Hollypetal jumped to her feet as Jayfeather entered camp. "Bye!" she said quickly, then darted to intercept Jayfeather before he could start heading to his den. She stopped in front of him and he looked immediately bored. "I want to go to the Moonpool," she informed him.
His tail flicked irritably. "If StarClan has anything to say to you, they'll come see you."
"That's why I want to go," she snapped impatiently. "Petalpaw was at the Gathering, and she motioned for me to go over to her, and then she disappeared!"
Jayfeather pawed at the herbs he'd brought back. She wanted to hit him at how he was acting so inconvenienced. He sighed. "Go ask Bramblestar if you can while I take these herbs to my den," he instructed.
He was already picking up his herbs, so she darted to Bramblestar's den, hoping he was in. Bramblestar hated to be idle.
"Bramblestar?" she called at the den's entrance.
"Come in."
She let out a quiet breath of relief as she entered his den, blinking in the dimness.
"What is it, Hollypetal?" Bramblestar asked. There was a half eaten bird beside him and she realized she hadn't eaten. She was too nervous to anyway.
"I want Jayfeather to take me to the Moonpool," she answered confidently.
He blinked slowly. "Do you think we're in danger?"
She shook her head. "No. There's just something I need to do."
He nodded, thinking it through.
She intended to go whether he agreed or not. All she had to do was follow the river at WindClan's border. She suspected that he knew she would go no matter what.
He nodded again, faster, firmer. "Alright. Try to be back before the moon rises."
She nodded and barely had time to see his tail flick dismissively before she was darting out of the den, back to the medicine cat's den, and practically running Jayfeather over. "We can go," she huffed.
His ears flattened at her abrupt reappearance. "Let's go then," he murmured, flicking his tail at her.
She started to run out again, to meet him by the entrance of camp, but she rammed straight into Rainstrike instead.
"Ow," he said evenly. "Where are you going in such a hurry?"
She went around him so Jayfeather could leave the den. "Moonpool," she answered shortly.
His ears perked. "You're going to the Moonpool? Why?"
"I... don't know," she meowed haltingly then frowned when he looked amused. "I have my reasons!"
"I would imagine so," he rumbled. "Will you be fine with just you two?"
Jayfeather snorted dismissively. "I'd like to see someone try and hurt a medicine cat!" His claws gleamed in the sunlight, but Hollypetal did not find him intimidating in the least.
Rainstrike didn't seem to either. "Okay. I'll see you when you get back."
He flicked his tail against her side, but she was already running to the entrance once more. "Come on," she said loudly back to Jayfeather. "I want to be there as soon as possible."
His ears flattened again, and his eyes blazed impatiently, but his paws were moving quicker. She tried to keep a fast pace as they headed to the river, scolding Jayfeather whenever he slowed down, running ahead when he would start to slow. It had already been days since the Gathering – Petalpaw needed to see her as soon as possible, and she was hardly going to complain about that. She would keep her complaints to Jayfeather's slow paw-steps.
"We're almost there," Jayfeather wheezed behind her. She was pushing him, but he would have to deal with that.
"That little cave thing?" she asked. It didn't seem very majestic, but it didn't have to, she supposed.
"That's it," he agreed.
"What do I do when I get there?" she fired off as soon as he'd confirmed her assumption.
"Drink the water and go to sleep."
"Okay!" She took off ahead of him again, hearing him hiss lowly behind her. She almost tripped into the water, but managed to skid to a halt with only one paw slipping in. Without waiting for Jayfeather, she lapped up a mouthful of water and settled down, closing her eyes.
She lay there for a few moments before irritation pulsed through her. This unimpressive pool was not working! She was getting ready to snap at Jayfeather about it when a voice cut through her thoughts.
"You weren't supposed to come here."
She jumped to her paws and whirled around. She was no longer at the riverside, no longer with Jayfeather. Petalpaw sat a few fox-lengths away from her, her tail wrapped neatly around her paws.
She could barely breathe out her sisters name. "Petalpaw..."
Petalpaw stood and stretched and flicked her tail, the same gesture that she'd used at the Gathering. Follow me.
Hollypetal scrambled after her as her sister turned and started walking. "Petalpaw," she said again.
"How are you?" Petalpaw asked, finding words a lot easier than Hollypetal was.
"I'm—I'm—why wasn't I supposed to come?" she sputtered.
Petalpaw frowned. "I wanted you to, don't get me wrong. StarClan didn't want you to come here, really. Thought it would be better for you if you didn't."
She shook her head. "What? Why? I don't... I never..."
"They didn't want you to use them to cope," she explained. "A normal warrior can't just come visiting because they're sad, you know?"
She thought quickly of Dustpelt. "Is Dustpelt here? Is he okay?"
Petalpaw's tail curled over her and she purred. "Of course he's okay! He's with Ferncloud all the time, and their kits." She bounded forward a few steps, and Hollypetal realized they had reached another pool, a bit smaller than the Moonpool. "But how are you?" Petalpaw asked again, coming to a stop and looking back at Hollypetal intently.
"I'm...I don't know." She blinked rapidly. "Confused. Nervous. Always nervous."
Petalpaw nodded, looking into the pool at her feet. Hollypetal could see figures of cats in it but couldn't make out who. "These pools let us see into your world," she offered. "Hollyleaf watches you a lot."
Her throat tightened with sudden emotion. Thinking about Hollyleaf always hurt, so she tried not to. In StarClan, she suspected it would be fine to think of her. Here, she was alive. "How is Hollyleaf?"
"She's adjusted." Petalpaw batted the water. "She was really scared when she first got here, suddenly being separated from you. She'd always be at a pool."
She swallowed the lump in her throat.
"She was really ecstatic about Rainstrike." There was a hint of a smirk on Petalpaw's face and she suddenly wanted to dunk her sister into the pool of water.
"We aren't talking about Rainstrike," she huffed. "You know what's been happening with me, but I don't know what's been happening with—anyone here. Is Hollyleaf with Scorchfur?"
She nodded. "Yes. When I realized you were coming here, I made sure Hollyleaf wasn't watching you."
"What?" She asked, dumbfounded. Certainly Petalpaw knew that she wanted to see Hollyleaf, right?
"Hollyleaf isn't well," Petalpaw replied, her eyes flicking back up to meet Hollypetal's once more.
Panic welled up inside of her, filling her chest until she thought it would explode. "Why wouldn't Hollyleaf be well? She's in StarClan. You can't get sick here, right?"
"It depends on your definition of sick."
She felt herself trembling but couldn't stop it. In the pool, she could see an image of Rockfur, resting next to the fresh-kill pile. He still looked too thin, and he didn't seem to be paying attention to what his clan-mates were saying around him. She couldn't seem to respond, her throat tightening and tightening and tightening, and she felt so sick she thought she'd wake up just to be ill.
"I wanted to talk to you about Roseleaf," Petalpaw continued, eyes unblinking. "She didn't come to StarClan."
She let her paws give out beneath her, unwilling to even try to stay up. "I don't understand." She felt herself becoming hollow again, nothingness consuming her just as it had when Roseleaf had died, except not with sadness, just empty disbelief.
"No one here was preventing her from coming," Petalpaw replied. "StarClan was very willing to accept her. She just... didn't show up."
She was almost sure she would be sick, her stomach twisting with the urge to gag. She hadn't eaten anything, and now she was thankful.
"Since none of us prevented her arrival, that means she did it herself."
She tried to swallow but her mouth was too dry. The thought kept hitting her, over and over, I shouldn't have come here. "So then where is she?"
"StarClan has control over itself and the In-Between, and she didn't come to either one of those. The only place left is the Dark Forest."
She couldn't reply with no words, so she stared at Rockfur in the pool silently.
"That's why you weren't supposed to come," Petalpaw answered at last. "Because StarClan didn't want to involve you. They think that Roseleaf will come here on her own."
She blinked back the wetness in her eyes. "Then why am I here?"
Petalpaw touched the surface of the water again, and the scene changed to Jayfeather sitting beside her sleeping body. "Because I don't think Roseleaf will be able to bring herself here on her own."
This chapter was hard to write for some reason. Bleh. Y'all didn't think that when I said 'Roseleaf subplot' I just meant her death, did you? That's far too short and painless! Next chapter should come easier. It has another scene I've had planned since mid-Wind's Nocturne. The ending of it will make you go "are you actually shitting me right now?" so there's that to look forward to.
Next chapter is—Chapter Nine: Blood On My Hands
GardevoirLove4ever: I figure just writing little notes in the AN will be easier than having a thousand PMs. Also, I'm very glad you liked the last sentence. It was actually written prior to the rest of the chapter. I was writing chapter notes and suddenly went I KNOW HOW I WANT HOLLYPETAL TO REALIZE RAINSTRIKE IS THE BEST. I sorta had to centre the rest of the chapter in a way to arrive at that exact sentence. Originally the line was shorter. My notes say "She felt her stomach dip, because she wasn't in love with him, she couldn't be in love with him, because she was comparing him to Rainstrike." but when I wrote it in it got longer.
The Renewed Trilogy: Book Three: Mad World
Chapter Eight: Thistle and Weeds
Word count (excluding A/N): 2,955
Character count (excluding A/N): 16,549
Song: Mumford & Sons – Thistle and Weeds
Started: January 21th, 2016. 12:18AM.
Finished: January 24th, 2016. 3:28AM. Edited: January 24thth, 2016. 4:00AM.
