A/N A short Chapter, another coming soon.
Chapter Nine
Awake.
"If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly"- G.K. Chesterton
OoOoOoOoO
All in, that's what she was, all in. Mind, body, heart, soul. What she experienced was… more than she had words for, more than her inner monologue could comprehend, she was with him completely. It was as if she was in a dream — the best she had ever had.
She and Chuck had come back from their haze, no words needed to be spoken, he held her gently for time unmeasured. For the first time in her life, she felt as if understood monogamy. Her father had taught her to use everything that she had to her advantage in order to pull off a con. He never asked her to use her body, but he formed her mind to believe all actions and behaviors as a means to an end. At the farm, this education was entrenched. Actions were illusions; behaviors were games the way to win was to choose the set of behaviors which accomplish the mission. Marriage, woman, and man, choosing each other again and again faults and flaws, what game was that? What was the mission? The object? The goal? She had never given it much thought; she had never really seen it done well. Never experienced anything that made it seem worthwhile.
But now, after that, after Chuck. Leaving, giving herself to another, would be… unthinkable. They had shared each other. Before, the buildup the months together but apart; he had committed himself to her. Again and again and she to him, although in different ways. All leading to… this, this union. Body and soul, one flesh. She was not naive; she had experienced desire before had had sex before. What she and Bryce had was… desirable, was enjoyable, but it was, costless, boundless, and by consequence: fleeting. For some reason, it now felt… wrong. She wanted Chuck; she had Chuck. They were one. She wanted no other; it would damage what she had. She was bound to him, no that's not right. She bound herself to him — freedom for love, a bargain...a gift.
"I love you, Chuck," she whispered, barely audible through the rumble of the waves.
"I love you too Sarah, with all I've got," Chuck offered in reply. She smiled, receiving his love. The gift she now knew she had always desperately wanted.
OoOoOoO
"Sarah, have you ever looked for apartments before?" Chuck asked taking a sip of the hotel coffee.
They had gone back to her hotel after their night together on the beach. He would not trade that night for anything, Sarah Walker and Chuck Bartowski made love in the moonlight, on their beach. But, the movies and stories artfully pass on important details, details a native Californian should know, like the fact that sand had a nasty habit of getting… everywhere.
So they went back to her hotel. He needed a shower; she needed a shower, they both got one… eventually. They had fallen asleep, clean and in love.
"Honestly Chuck, no," she replied. "The CIA has provided my living space, before that we moved around."
"Well crap, I haven't either," Chuck said chuckling. "Stanford had dorms; then I lived at the frat house… ever since then, I've… been with El". He was not mortified, but he could not help but be embarrassed.
"Well I guess we are both equally incompetent," Sarah replied sweetly, without skipping a beat.
"Where do we start? Chuck asked. "I mean I imagine that the government wants some say over where we go for security purposes or whatever."
"Beckman did not make that clear, so I suppose they are trusting my judgment," Sarah answered.
"So… where should we look?" Chuck asked.
"You're the LA kid, where do you want to live?" She responded.
Chuck paused and considered for a moment. "Sarah, I'd live under a bridge if you'll be there with me."
"Chuck… you're no help," Sarah pouted.
Chuck smiled, he loved this, loved seeing this side of her. So much of their time spent together she was so guarded, ghosts hiding behind her eyes. Letting herself go in spurts then regaining herself. Her pouting, her playfulness, was always there, was always her, she just seemed free to let it out.
"Well, I kinda like Echo Park. It's convenient, and we're close to Ellie and Awesome. But, Casey is there which could complicate things," he said with a smirk.
Sarah smiled mischievously. "Yeah, that could be a problem." Then her countenance darkened. "Chuck, we are gonna have to be very careful. I can't go back to the way it was before, I can't, but Beckman can't find out. We have to keep it a secret."
"Of course Sarah. I'll do anything for us, seriously, even if I have to act like a sad, mopey puppy dog. It's so worth it."
Sarah snorted… "I'm was no better, just better at hiding it."
"Add Oscar-winning acting performance to the list of things Sarah Walker can do," Chuck said reverently.
Sarah blushed at this, smiling even bigger.
"C'mon you goof, let's go for a drive and see some apartments."
OoOoOoO
Two days, an NSA moving crew, an emotional dinner with Ellie and Awesome later, and Chuck and Sarah found themselves relaxing in the courtyard in front of their apartment. Sarah has been wrong about Beckman's deference to her choice of a location to move in. The small family who shared the courtyard with.. well, Team Bartowski, had a mother who worked for the government. Beckman had arranged for her to be promoted to an urgent position in San Diego. Sarah felt bad at first until she realized that it was actually a really good opportunity for that little family. The courtyard was already surveyed, and Casey's proximity was good operationally for Chuck's protection and, Sarah imagined, for Beckman's continuing evaluation of Sarah's "compromise."
This was not overly worrisome, although it did mean that she and Chuck would have to be careful in order to keep their relationship a secret. It really was not the chief of her concerns at the moment. Her chief concern at this moment was how fast everything was moving. The thoughts and feelings that she had on the beach had not changed, she knew that there was no going back from Chuck, that he was the one for her. She was not worried about their relationship if she was worried about anything it was the unmistakable glimpse into a domestic future with Chuck which she had no training or any control. They were both far from this point, and Chuck had been careful not to joke or press her on the possibility, too careful if she was honest. But, the vision of the domestic simplicity which the past two days had given her frightened her more than she cared to acknowledge.
"Gosh I'm screwed up," she thought to herself. She had dreamed of a simple life, a house with a red door, surrounded by family and friends, people who cared about her for her rather than what she could do. But those dreams had been locked safely in the realm of fantasy, locked tight, tight enough that even that beautiful baby Molly could not… "no don't think about her" she chastised herself.
Chuck had not only unlocked the door; he had removed it from its hinges. He had proven time and again to be capable. Not only giving her a home to share but of being strong enough to wait for her to be ready to share it. For the first time in her life, a life in the light, outside of the shadows was conceivable to her, and that scared the hell out of her.
"Sarah, are you okay?" Chuck asked kindly, taking a sip of his beer.
"Yeah, Chuck! I'm good, just sorta taking it all in," she said,
She was relieved about the surveillance in the courtyard. It gave her an excuse to hide. She knew he would not be mad at her, but she was mad at herself, mad for being scared. Sarah Walker did not frighten easily, it just sort of sucked that the thing that was frightening her was also the thing she had wanted (although not admittedly) for most of her life.
"Ready to head inside?" He asked smiling.
She steadied herself. Courage. Courage she had, fear she felt, but also the courage to match it.
"Yes," she said getting herself up and reaching to pull him up from the fountain side.
They walked together, eyes locked on each other, barely noticing their surroundings. In their focus, neither saw Ellie's dolly that was supposed to be put up by Morgan. That was until Chuck's long stride had found it as he absentmindedly reached for the door.
Sarah saw the whole thing in slow motion as she sprang into action, catching Chuck as he fell. His whole body weight almost knocking her over as she moved underneath him to make sure that he didn't re-injure himself.
"in case you didn't realize already, you're moving in with a clutz," Chuck said sheepishly.
"Are you okay Chuck?" Sarah asked, concerned.
"Physically? Fine. Emotionally? Incredible. I mean my pride is… well, it umm there wasn't all that much, to begin with, so I'm great," Chuck rambled. "I'm just glad I didn't knock you over. I mean, I want to sweep you off your feet, but I sorta pictured it differently."
Sarah smiled. "Ohh, pray tell Mr. Bartowski, how do you intend to sweep me off of my feet?" Sarah joked.
"Ohh you know, a couple of googly eyes, maybe a finger gun or two, then really swoop in for the kill by… "Sarah, what's that?" Chuck said pointing towards Casey's apartment.
Alarmed Sarah looked towards where he was pointing, no sooner had she done so did she feel her feet leave the floor. Chuck had scooped her up while she wasn't looking.
"Ahhhhhrrrghh! Put me down you overgrown manchild," she laughed while she said it. He threw the door open and carried her across the threshold.
All of the nerves, the fear of claiming her dream, were replaced by a glow in her core. A ball of joy radiating from her stomach throughout her whole body. She could not help but smile, could not help but laugh. She had been made lucid by his love. His stupid, goofy, unabashed love. She was in her dream, she was aware; better still, she was awake.
A/N2
More to come, today or tomorrow. Thanks for reading.
