Chapter 9

"I don't actually have any time to spare I'm meeting someone downstairs in a few minutes." I said trying to make sure he believes me.

He waited a few minutes, before answering me. He's seeing if I'm telling the truth or not. Maybe he'll see through my blind spot and I can stop hearing my heart beating loudly or my tears about to fall down my cheeks.

"Your lying." He said with a smiling.

"Aren't you suppose to meet John at the gym." I asked rubbing my forehead.

"He can wait." He said moving past me.

I shut the door shaking my head slowly, before turning around to see him sitting on the couch with his elbows on both his knees. His eyes told me this time everything has changed in him. For how long though? How long will he keep this new him alive? A fews days? Weeks? Months? I doubt the months. What's the point in trying to figure out problems that doesn't even really matter to anyone anymore.

"You look good." He said quietly.

"Let's skip all the this and get to the point. What do you want?" I asked in a snappy tone.

"I miss you this time I really mean it. Baby look I can finally leave my wife." He said standing up slowly.

"Get out!" I said pointing to the door.

He waied for a moment, before he started over to me, I froze suddenly wanting to feel his touch. His lips to mine, my arms around his neck pulling him as lose to me as possibly. This feel isn't right I know that somewhere deep inside. I can't stop my heart skip beats or pounding so loud in my ears that every other sound is blocked out. I can move, I know I can.

"Don't push me away please." He whispered pleasingly.

"Why? You did me remember." I whispered waiting for a answer.

"I'm not the same person, after I left I realized that I keep letting my big head get in the way. Even though I don't mean to. I know I'm lazy, irrogant, and mean." He whispered eagarly.

"You also don't see how much it hurt when you left and John was there for me to cry on him if I needed to. He's wonderful. I don't really know how to explain things with him or how I feel about him right now. That's first for me. " I said stepping back.

"So this is it?" He asked cockly.

I waited for a moment trying to see if this is what I want or not? Is this the right thing to? Tear a family apart just for me to be happy? No my mind screamed, but my heart screamed different. Yes, my heart said. It's selfish I know. I can't help, but want him. To feet his touch on my skin, to feel his lips against mine. To feel his body connected to mine. To spend every moment as possibly together forever. I guess that's what Sammantha feels about him when they married.

"I guess it is." I said avoiding his gaze.

He waited for a moment letting my words be processed through his mind. Maybe he'll see that this is better for everyone involved. For his marriage, my moving on, and John's happyiness plus relief that Randy's not going to be in the picture. I think this is the better way to be happy for all of us. I mean it's a winning situation. Right?

"I just need to know one thing before I go." He said slowly.

""What?" I asked bracing myself for whatever he's going to do.

"Let me kiss you and if you don't kiss me back then I'll know this is what you want." He asked in a whisper.

"Just go." I said tiredly.

"You think I pushed you away." He said shaking his head.

"You did, it was always about you and how far you can get with me. I never saw that until you really showed your colors. You paid off my car and my house for reasons and now I know why. So you can get in my pants. You helped me buy food, pay my bills. Why? So you can get into my pants. You came around for one simple thing. To sleep around." I said braking out all the angry out that I have for him.

"I didn't only come around for that." He said slowly.

"Yes you did! You saw perfectly good chance to get to me and you took it. That's how cruel you are. Evolution made you this way and this isn't the guy I love anymore." I said. I clasped my hand over my mouth quickly as my eyes went wide at what I just told him.

His soft pink lips gave off a cocky smile showing his white teeth in full as his eyes showed that he knew that I loved him all along and just wanted to make sure I said it at loud.

"I knew you still have feeling for me. I still have so many feelings for you to." He said coming closer again and this time I don't have the energy to move anymore. I can't stand the pain that forms in my chest when I see him and I know that we're done. I can't also stand the thought of John being gone from my life. I love how he lights up when he sees me or kisses me. I love how I know he's here when I need him instead of being half way across the world with someone else.

"If you did you would have left your wife along time ago, but I don't want that. I'm not the kind of person to make you leave your wife. I'm the person to move on and find someone who's ready to commit. Make a life together." I said moving away from him. I also toward the door counting my steps trying to hold back my pain and tears in the process. I can't let myself break in front of him, it's like he's won if I do and I don't want him to see me like this.

"I don't get you minute you want me to leave my wife and then the next you want me to stay with her! What you want me to do just tell me and I'll do it for you." He said angry.

"I can't be with someone like Randy, you froze our account making sure I didn't get out any money that is half of mine by the way. I had to borrow some money from my mom to pay my light bill, get some food and get gas. I didn't ask for that, but it would have been nice to have my money back. You only think about how far you can get ahead at something." I said even madder than him as I drew closer now.

"This is what this is all about money!" He said turning red.

"This is about how you left me, lied to my face, and tried to play it off. Randy I know that your going to make me pay and now that you see John with me, I'm not the only one who's going to pay." I said slowly.

"I want you back!" He said angrily.

"Too bad!" I said walking quickly over to the door and opening it for him to leave as I looked straight ahead at the mirror at myself. I almost let a tear drop fall down my cheek, but I quickly blink them away before Randy sees them.

He mumbles something underneath his breath before he walks over to the door beside me as he looks down at me. I want to look up, but my heart won't let. The pain seems to much to bear right now and I don't think it's going to go away for a while. I can handle that right? I mean John's here and he already said he's not going anywhere.

"I'll get your money and give it to you tomorrow at the arena meet me at the catering at 8:30." He said sadly before he walked away.

I nodded quickly looking back into the room as I closed the door and let the back of the door help me slide down to where my knees calm up to my chest in a protective way allowing my forehead to rest on my knees to help me have some balance atleast as my tears fall from my cheeks and I finally cry harder than I have in a long time acutally. I cried harder than the night before last. I don't want this, to hurt or cry. To walk around knowing at any moment I can just give out and let Randy win. That the healing process seems so far away from me and no matter how much I try to fight things. I can't seem to make myself start to heal either. If I stay like this I know that I can keep the memories with me forever and not be afraid to let them go. If I don't stay like this I can finally move on and be with John. What can I do? I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Nothing else seems to make sense to me anymore. No way around or out of this. I don't how I let myself get involved with Randy. I don't want know it's hurts to much to sit here and act like I don't love Randy. I do more than myself, I'd give my life to save him. I would do the same for John. The only difference is I don't love John. I like him alot, when I look at him I see a future that can be the happiest desicion in my life and that's what I want. To be happy and not have to worry about any problems. Is that to much to ask for? To be able to see Randy without coming close to fall apart all together? To be able to know that John can finally know how much I care for him one day and that I can't lose him either.

After more than an hour on the floor, I finally decided to pick myself up off the floor and walk into the bathroom. Well, I can take a small nap I thought to myself as I walked into the bahtroom to pee. After that I walked back into the bedroom slowly flopping down on the bed slowly. I let sleep drift into me allowing the world to faded away and dreams come alive inside me.

"Carolina." John said shaking me lightly.

I let my eyes open for a moment before closing them even quicker. I feel like I haven't slept in forever and I still need some, but If I sleep to long I might get a headache.

"Yeah?" I asked in a sleepy tone.

"Are you ok baby?" He asked concerned.

I waited a few moments before speaking a word as I rolled over to him leaning up on the pillow and his blues eyes full concern and worry inboth his eyes glowed in the dark. No need for a light. Should I tell him about Randy coming by? If I do then things could end really badly. If I don't then I'm keeping truth from John and that's not how things shouldn't start. I guess it's better to tell him and get it over with than start off down a bad road.

"I got something to tell you." I said in a scared whisper.

He waited for a moment before he nodded for me to go on. I need a big huge brown bag for my breathing right now because this is going to probably turn bad and I can't stand the thought of one of them getting hurt.

"Well Randy came by today and we had a talk." I said slowly.

"What about?" He said concerned.

"Money, him not leaving his wife, and you. I told him that I don't want to leave you ever. i'd rather be happy with you than in a life that has no real future with him." I said putting my palm to his cheek as he leaned into my touch before he kiss my wrist slowly.

"I love you." He said sweetly.

I looked at him slowly before raising up and looking around the room trying to find something to latch on to before things get more and more complicated. I feel like I can just disappear and no one will know where I am. Not even John. Maybe that's not a bad idea. It might acutally work.

"Don't say anything right now, I just want you to know that. No rushing or anything." He said rubbing my back before I finally nodded leaning into his chest and listening to his heart beat slowly right now. Then before I know it my head rose up and I leaned into to kiss him as he leaned the rest of the way making our lips meet. I wrapped my arms around his neck as his arms came around my waist pulling me closer to him as the kisses became intense and the night became full of so much passion and love that it's almost like a dream.

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