Title: Shoes

Series Title: After

POV: Cal

Author: Obi the Kid

Rating: PG

Summary: Snippet of my "After" series. A string of non-chronological short stories that focus on the 1-2 years after Cal returned from Tumulus.

Disclaimer: All hail Rob Thurman! No profit here, I'm just having fun.


"Cal, sit still for me. You did a lot of damage to your feet, little brother. I'll fix you up, but I need you to keep still."

I grunted or moaned or something. It was a sound of some sort. I understood most of what Niko just said, but some words sound foreign. I'm shaking all over. I'm still cold. Always so cold. And my bare feet – I can't tolerate wearing shoes since I've come back - I'd kicked out the car window. I couldn't work the door handle. Felt trapped. Alone. I got freaked out. Then Niko came back and now…now we are here. The hotel. But I'm still cold. And I'm still terrified of nothing and everything.

"Nik."

I didn't have to say anything more than his name. He heard my need. He knew. He always knew me better than I did, even now after I'd come back so changed. The chattering of my teeth helped get the point across as well.

"I'll turn the heat up."

He did. Put a blanket around me too. My feet hurt. Bloody. I need to stop letting panic take my mind. Niko said he would come back. He'd promised. Niko doesn't break promises. Not ever. But I kicked the glass anyway because I couldn't get out to him. Shattered it into hundreds of small pointy shards. And now my brother has to patch me up…again. Always, Niko has to fix me.

"Cal. This will take a while. You've got a lot of glass pieces embedded into your skin. Be patient with me. And keep the pillow close." The one he'd put in my lap for me to hold onto if the pain got bad. "You tell me if you need me to stop."

Another grunt. I'm not much for speaking right now. Don't need to anyway. Nik will understand.

He talked to me as he fixed my feet. I guess he figured it was his way of making it less painful. His voice was calming. And he never chastised me for still refusing to wear shoes. I didn't want them on. He allowed it. To help me. Niko tries so hard to take care of me.

I feel tired in between the hurting. I feel like no kid should ever feel. Like no person ever should. I feel…confused and scared and angry and damaged and useless. I feel like a burden to my brother. I shouldn't have kicked that window. No without shoes, anyway.

There was sudden, sharp pain. My feet flinched and Nik caught one of them. His hands are warm and it feels good on my icy skin.

"Keep still, little brother. Let me finish."

Always, he calls me that. Little brother. Nik's way of saying that he loves me without the mushy words. Not sure how anyone can love what I am. I don't. It terrifies me.

Emotions are coming now as he fixes my feet. I let them come. I let them take me. Suddenly, I feel pity for myself and unexpectedly I reach out to touch the top of Niko's head. The blond hair is long and familiar. He stops to look at me. Our eyes – gray. Gray means family. My hand falls onto his shoulder and I force a few voice-cracked words from my sparsely used voice.

"Sorry. Always…taking care of me."

"It's what we do, Cal. Look after each other. We're all we have. And don't apologize for this. I shouldn't have left you. I knew better."

No. Niko can't blame himself. I just have to try and get better.

"Get better. Promise."

"I know you will, Cal."

I shivered with cold again. Niko turned the temperature up again. It's warm for him. I can see beads of sweat on his temple. He copes though. For me. His whole life he lives for me. I don't deserve it. And then I'll grow up to be a monster. Will Niko still love me then?

"Nik?"

He stopped his work once more to look at me. I heard my voice break on his name. I feel the crashing now. Everything feels heavy. Emotions overwhelm. I hate myself. I hate me. I hate my monster. I hate everything that I am, except for one. I'm Niko's brother. No one could hate that. The rest of me though…I hugged the pillow.

Niko quickly finished the bandage and sat next to me. I leaned into him. It's his touch only that I can stand. My face clenches and my eyes water over. I can't stop the crying. Niko, he stays with me. No matter what I am. No matter what I will be. He stays.

"I've got you, little brother."

He hugged me tight for a long time; until I got quiet again. Then he finished my feet.

And a little while later? "All done, Cal. And once the worst heals, I want you to start wearing your shoes. Don't you think it's time you start wearing them again?"

I shrugged. I didn't know. Then I nodded. He can look after me better if my feet are protected. Shoes will make it easier for my brother. But still…

"No."

He didn't flinch. Niko never flinches; though he still asked the question. "Why not?"

"Monsters don't wear shoes," I said abruptly.

"Stop it, Cal." The reply was immediate, potent and somehow soothing all at once. Impossible for anyone but my brother.

Niko hated when I called myself a monster. Tried to convince me I wasn't. Monsters are real though. I was in their hell. I don't remember much of it, but I feel it without memory. Maybe…maybe shoes will help.

I looked down at the white-bandaged feet and sighed heavily. They looked like mummy feet. Mummy feet. That might be funny at some point in my life. But I'd forgotten how to laugh; to smile. Maybe I'd never remember how to do those things again.

Niko helped me sit back on the bed, propped me up and put the TV remote in my hand.

"Lucy's probably on," he said softly.

My fingers couldn't work the small buttons and I let it fall from my hand. Niko didn't let that go. Something so simple, if I couldn't operate a TV... He put the remote back into my hand and held my fingers still – they were wobbly – as I found a channel to watch. Nik was right. Lucy was on. Nik was always right. And he said I would get better. He said I wasn't a monster. He said he would always take care of me. He said that he would fix me.

But right now, I'm not better. I feel like glass. Like the window that was so easily shattered and broken. I'm broken. I'm shattered. Anyone can see through me. See how scared I am. How angry I am. See how much I want to die to make it go away.

Nik won't let me die though. He would die too then. I can't let that happen. My brother is a good man. The best man. I'll get better because of him. He tells me that. I believe him. He's my brother.

I'll get better.

I'm not a monster.

Everything will be okay.

Niko says so. He's not like me. He's not a monster. But he loves me anyway.

Niko will fix me. He always does. But I can help him now. I can be stronger. I can find my way back to what I used to be…before. And I know how to start too. I know it now after watching my brother patch me up. I know how to start to find me again. One step. One step to start me on my way back. To help make it easier for Niko to take care of me until I can take care of myself.

I stare again at my bandaged feet.

Shoes.

When my feet get better, I'll put my shoes on.

I'll do that…for Nik.

For Nik, I'd do anything.


The end.