Will had no idea how long he sat there. Anger, loathing, and hatred at himself swirled around inside his head like icy bird's claws trying to tear him to shreds. He felt empty in a way he'd never felt before; all he knew was he wanted it to stop. He wanted it to stop so badly but he didn't know how, couldn't ever see an end to this, couldn't foresee anything but suffering, black and eternal.

And it scared him to death.

For what seemed like hours, he stared past his knees at the dim interior of the tower. There was something calming about watching the pattern of the stones, and for a while, Will was lost in it. Then, as if pulling himself back into reality, he shook his head and tried to refocus. As he did, the vultures in his thought swarmed down again, murmuring everything they knew would hurt. They spoke of Halt, how he was really just disappointed in Will and would only be more so if he ever found out. They spoke of Gilan and said much the same thing.

They spoke of his utter uselessness, of his brokenness. Of how no one would miss him.

A hollow ache settled into his chest when he realized it was true. Alyss had already lived a year without him; she'd do fine without having him for the rest of her life. Gilan and Horace couldn't possibly mind, either. They both deserved better friends than Will. And Halt...well, Will didn't think Halt really liked him all that much. Yes, he'd made a promise to get Will back and yes, he'd gotten banished for it, but that was just a thing people did for their apprentices.

Somewhere in the back of his head, another voice whispered liar.

But, he tried to reason with himself, even if Halt did care for me, he'd get over it. They all will.

He wasn't really sure why, but he found himself standing up and walking over to the ledge. It didn't occur to him to throw himself over until he was standing there, looking down, down, down. The sheer drop made him dizzy and he swayed.

What would it be like to die? he wondered. Would it hurt? Would I feel anything? A violent gust of wind buffeted at him, and he held his arms out for balance, but it wasn't enough.

His foot slipped.

His heart stopped.

For a moment, time stopped with it. He fell forwards, arms flailing, dow-

Two pairs of hands latched onto him. Will froze, legs dangling, nothing but a sheer descent below him. He expected to be pulled back- almost wanted to be pulled back, for he'd never intended to jump, just to look. But as seconds passed and nothing happened, he began to wonder what was going on. Then a voice behind him and to the right spoke.

"Well, have you got your fill of staring?"

His heart plummeted as suddenly as if the two pairs of hands had let him go. "H-Halt," he stammered, "I-It was an a-accid-dent, I d-didn't m-m-mean to-"

"I know." His mentor's voice had never sounded so cold. "But I've been watching you for weeks. You might not have done it today, but you would've done it some other day when I wasn't there to stop you. Now, I'll only ask you this once. Do you want us to let you go?"

Who is 'us'? Will wondered, unsure of who Halt would've asked to come along. Gilan? Horace? Crowley?

"Will."

He looked down again. The soldiers, tiny dots hundreds of meters away, were milling around, completely unsuspecting of what was going on above their heads. The dim light of the sunset cast a haze over the whole scene, making it seem warm and almost homey.

Did he want to die?

Will bowed his head. "I don't know."

There was a pause. Then both pairs of hands jerked back at the same time and Will fell backwards, landing with an undignified flop on two bodies. The person to his left let out a groan and shoved at Will, who obligingly moved off him, turning around to see who it was.

For the second time in as many minutes, his heart sank. "Gilan?"

For once, the normally cheerful Ranger looked furious. "How stupid are you!?" he screamed, not even attempting to keep his voice down. "You could've died right then and there because of your carelessness!"

Will looked down. He still wasn't sure if he was disappointed or relieved at the two Rangers' interference. Although he had to say, he was definitely not in for a pleasant conversation now that they'd caught him on a ledge. The mere thought of what Halt would do now made him want to cringe away from the presence at his right.

Gilan crossed his arms. Will looked up at the sound and saw that his friend's face had changed from angry to sad. Somehow, that was worse. "Will, why?"

"I wasn't trying to-" he waved his hand in a gesture that hopefully conveyed what he couldn't bear to say. "I wasn't, I swear. I just...wanted to know what it was like." He gave Gilan a sad little smile. "Guess you could say my curiosity got the better of me."

"Don't start." Halt's voice was still that curiously cold, detached tone Will had never heard him use before. "Don't even try that, Will. The game is over. We've caught you in the act, so would you mind," he stepped dangerously close to Will, face contorting in anger, "telling us what the hell is going on with you!?"

Will couldn't remember the last time Halt had raised his voice at anyone, man or animal. Halt always kept his voice quiet and even- as a true Ranger always should, he'd said- and Will instinctively knew that he'd gotten himself into a very, very bad situation. He shrank backward, terrified, crossing his arms protectively over his chest. Of course, that only served to make Halt even angrier, but this time, Gilan held a hand up to stop him.

"Halt, stop," he muttered. "He's scared to death already. Don't make it worse."

"If he'd maybe stopped to consider his actions-"

"Halt. That's enough."

Probably more startled by the fact that his former apprentice had spoken so forcefully to him than by virtue of Gilan's actual command, Halt shut up.

"Will," Gilan tried again, quieter, "you know we're here for you, right? You can tell us anything."

Will shook his head, biting his lip in a desperate attempt to curb the tears threatening to fall. Gilan considered for a moment before gently placing his arm around Will's shoulders and leading him off. "C'mon. Let's get you some coffee and talk about this somewhere safe."

Distantly, Will heard Halt's soft footsteps follow after them.


Six Hours Previously

"All right. Here's what we going to do." Gilan rubbed his chin. "First, we need to go through and talk to anyone Will might've told something to. I know you've already done that, but it never hurts to try again. Since there are really only two people he would've told- the Princess and Horace- and they'll suspect me less, I'll take care of them."

Halt gave him a dry look. "I wasn't aware that you were the one in charge here."

Gilan didn't respond, a wise decision since Halt still felt unbalanced, like he might snap at the slightest word. Instead, he steadfastly ignored his former mentor's words and continued, "while I do that, I want you to shadow Will. You obviously already know this, but his actions have been increasingly concerning and...I don't want him to do something he'll regret. Once I'm done with Cassandra and Horace, I'll join you."

Halt nodded. Despite his words, he felt an odd sense of gratitude for Gilan's willingness to help. He had to admit that although he normally preferred planning the strategy himself, it was a welcome change to have another Ranger do it instead, especially while Halt was still reeling slightly from Gilan's blunt accusations. It had honestly never occurred to him that he was purposefully stopping himself for fear of what he'd find out about Will, but now that it had, he realized Gilan was right. He was, as stupid as it might sound, afraid of what he'd find out.

Gilan bid him farewell and good luck before slinking away. Halt sighed, stood there a moment longer, then turned, moving almost as softly and as quickly as his former apprentice. If he knew Will at all- and, after Skandia, he wasn't sure he did- he'd be at the archery range.

Turned out, he did know his apprentice. Will arrived at almost the same time Halt did, making a beeline straight to the targets. It almost made Halt grin- even after only having around a year and a half of formal training in archery, Will was already so much better than the King's archers that he was rearranging the targets in order that they'd pose a challenge to him.

It took about six seconds for Will to release his first eight arrows. A bit slow by Halt's standards, but he supposed Will still had another two years to learn. Assuming he passed the assessment, that was. Then a pause. Halt, not able to see what was going on from behind Will, silently moved to the left so he could get a look at Will's face. By the time he'd done so, however, whatever internal monologue the boy had had was over and he'd gone back to shooting.

Then something vaguely uncomfortable and sad flew across Will's face. The boy's eyes darkened and he set his bow down, staring absently at the shooting range he'd been so eager to use just moments before. Halt frowned; what had just happened?

As if trying to clear it of cobwebs, Will shook his head, bent down, and picked the bow back up again. He hesitated, brow furrowing. The conflict raging inside his mind was so strikingly obvious it made Halt wonder if it was like that all the time- if Will had simply gotten that good at hiding it.

If that were so, the depths to which his once-honest apprentice had fallen to were almost too painful to consider.

Will drew his bow again, letting loose another set of arrows, but the boy's mind was clearly preoccupied. His aim and drawing speed were affected enough to be noticeable and Halt fought a wince as one of the arrows landed several centimeters away from the center of the target. Probably seeing that, Will let out a sound of disgust. Kicking at a nearby rock, he made as if to throw his weapon on the ground before thinking better of it, merely walking back towards the targets.

With every minute that passed, Halt became increasingly more concerned. Will's actions couldn't be seen as anything other than self-loathing. The clear disgust, the anger, the despair- now, more than ever, Halt just wanted his question answered.

What had happened to Will?

Suddenly, Will stopped. Eyes narrowing, Halt noticed he was shivering. That was odd. It wasn't even September yet; the day was practically as hot as a furnace. The next moment, Will turned on his heel and strode off, leaving behind a half-dozen arrows still stuck in the target. What was more, his face looked blank and numb, like everything that made him Will had been sucked out, leaving a cold, empty shell.

Will was moving quickly enough that Halt knew he didn't have time to get the arrows. He'd have to come back for them later, hoping that the guards were smart enough to realize that the heavy, grey-shafted arrows were a Ranger's and not any regular archer's.

Halt silently followed Will through the courtyard, up the steps, through the guards. His heart sank lower with every quiet step he took, as he finally realized where Will was going: he was walking straight to one of the highest towers in the castle.

Calm down, he told himself. This doesn't mean anything. What if he's just going up there to enjoy the view? But the cold feeling in his stomach wouldn't go away. Will's behavior fit Halt's own experiences with suicidal people, and somehow, instinctively, he knew that his apprentice wasn't just walking up for the aesthetics. For a fleeting instant he thought about getting Gilan, but he discarded the thought swiftly. He hadn't the time- who knew how long Will would sit around and deliberate about jumping? Besides, Halt wanted to deal with this by himself. He'd dragged Gilan in far enough.

"Do you have a plan?" a voice whispered next to him.

Halt sighed imperceptibly, wondering how he hadn't sensed Gilan's arrival. Speak of the devil... "I thought you were the one who made the plans," he breathed back, managing to retain a note of sarcasm even at basically nonexistent vocal levels.

Gilan glared at him. "I'm being serious. You do realize what he's going to do once he gets up there, right?" the younger Ranger's gaze flicked beyond to where, over a hundred meters away, the apprentice was slowly ascending a twisting, spiral staircase that led to the top of the tower. He knew that they needed to be careful with how closely they followed behind; too close and Will might notice them, too far and they might not be able to stop him in time.

Halt clenched his jaw. "You don't have to remind me," he snapped, a little louder than he'd intended. Both Ranger's eyes went to Will again to see if he'd heard, but he was as lost in his own world as ever. Halt took a deep breath. The last time he'd lost control like this was- well, also because of Will. The last time he'd lost control, he'd gotten himself banished.

Hopefully, this situation wouldn't end up like that one.

"We might as well move together," Halt finally said wearily. "We could make as much noise as an elephant and he probably wouldn't notice us, not in this state." He considered making a note to bring that up to Will in a later conversation before deciding it'd probably be a little indelicate. "Follow him up; if he tries to jump, we'll pull him back. Don't warn him, though. There's no telling what a desperate person will do once they're caught."

Gilan gave a nod and the two Rangers moved as one after Will, seamlessly blending in and out of the dim shadows cast by the late afternoon sunlight streaming through the stained-glass windows of the tower. Although King Duncan's ancestors hadn't neglected defense, they'd definitely gone more for aesthetic appeal than for rock-hard stability and invincibility. That was okay, though, because Duncan's army could easily be counted as one of the best in the world- and no one in the entire world had a force that could match the Rangers, if all of them were gathered together.

Several breathless minutes passed by. Will moved quickly but quietly, as Rangers were trained to do, but even still, Halt guessed there were maybe around a couple hundred steps to get to the stop of the tower. It wasn't surprising that it'd take a while to get to the top. With every minute, however, Halt's nerves frayed just a little bit more around the edges.

He didn't know what was going to happen. He would've liked to say that Will was stronger than that, that he wouldn't just throw himself off a tower in a desperate attempt to end it all, but...Halt knew by now that the Will he'd made his apprentice and the Will he'd saved from Skandia were very different people. Halt didn't know this Will.

That didn't mean that he'd give up on him- no. He'd made a promise both to himself and to the boy. He would give his own life before he let Will throw his own away. He couldn't deny, though, that he wished none of this had ever happened. He wished he'd never sent his apprentice with Gilan to Celtica; he wished he'd been able to stop Erak and his Skandians from taking Will away. He wished Will had never set foot in Skandia. But it wouldn't do him any good to dwell on the what ifs. The only thing that mattered right then was the present, and at present, Will was a serious risk to himself.

Finally, they reached the top of the tower. Will moved towards the arrow slits cut into the walls, simply looking out into the sky. The sun hadn't yet set, but Halt knew it would within the hour.

Surprisingly, Will didn't attempt to climb the battlements; he simply stood there for a moment, staring. Then he turned his back and leaned against the wall, slowly sliding down it and curling into a ball. A single tear slid down his cheek, then, like a dam had broken, he started sobbing.

Without looking in Gilan's direction, Halt held out a hand. "Not yet," he murmured, restraining his own urge to move towards Will. As much as Halt tried to be emotionless, he'd never been able to handle his emotions very well when people he cared about were in trouble. And it was safe to say that Halt cared for Will.

"Halt, you can't possibly just expect me to watch him-"

"I want to see what he does."

Halt could feel Gilan's anger burning into him. His former apprentice was usually so mild-mannered and easy-going; to have him become this angry was another sign of just how serious this was.

"What he's doing right now is crying," Gilan murmured heatedly, still at a level of sound that was almost impossible to hear. "And you just want me to stand back here and watch him like some kind of sadistic voyeur?"

Halt carefully tried not to think about what kind of strange kink Gilan had just implied one of them had. "Gilan, I don't like having to watch this any more than you do. But if he's caught, he'll be that much harder to catch again, so I want to know exactly what's going on in his head before I make my move. We can't afford to make a mistake here."

Gilan opened his mouth, clearly about to argue some more, when a new sound registered in Halt's ears. Or, more accurately, a new lack of sound. Will had stopped crying.

Careful not to tense up, Halt turned his gaze towards his apprentice, all thoughts of the argument flying out of his head. For a while, though, nothing happened; Will just stared blankly at a spot on the opposing wall, an expression of such abject despondency on his face that Halt had to work to keep his expression neutral and unfazed. Will looked hollow and fragile, a mere specter of who he'd been formerly. It was an almost physical pain to see his apprentice like that.

Then, in one smooth movement as though he'd decided something, Will stood back up and turned to the open ledge. Halt's heart pounded as his apprentice started towards it.

Gilan didn't wait for his signal; he simply moved. Halt followed just as quickly, something akin to fear kindling inside him. They were still a few dozen meters away. How could they reach him in time?

Will stood up on the ledge and looked down. His face was hidden from view, so Halt had no idea what he was thinking. He wondered if the boy had a good head for heights- surely he must, after what he'd done on Choosing Day.

Twenty meters.

Fifteen meters.

Will swayed.

They were flat-out sprinting now, only their countless years of Ranger training keeping them quiet and undetectable.

Ten meters.

Will's foot slipped.

Halt had never known terror this complete. It took everything he had to keep from screaming out no, Will!

Six meters.

Three.

Two.

With a sickening finality, Will fell forwards.

Halt covered the last meters in one bound, knowing the waist-high wall the ledge was set on would keep him from toppling over with Will. Gilan must've had the same idea, because the two reached out as one and grabbed him, Halt reaching for the right arm and Gilan for the left. The younger man started trying to pull him back from the ledge but Halt stopped him with a look.

"Well? Have you got your fill of staring?"

Will visibly stiffened, obviously recognizing his voice. He stammered out, "H-Halt, i-It was an a-accid-dent, I d-didn't m-m-mean to-"

Everything inside Halt had gone still when Will had lost his balance on that ledge. He marveled that his heart was still beating. In his chest, in his heart, there was only overwhelming silence. Everything had gone cold inside when he'd seen his apprentice slip, and that ice was reflected when he finally spoke again.

"I know," Halt said. "But I've been watching you for weeks. You might not have done it today, but you would've done it some other day when I wasn't there to stop you. Now, I'll only ask you this once. Do you want us to let you go?"

Gilan's eyes flashed over towards him, clearly surprised at Halt's tone. Halt would've been surprised, too, but he only felt numb. He dimly realized he was probably in shock, but the idea was so ridiculous he didn't want to think about it- he, a senior Ranger, traumatized because his apprentice decided to take a nice stroll up some tower. Except it wasn't just some nice stroll and Will wasn't just his apprentice.

"Will." His tone was ice; his body was ice. He felt cold all over. He didn't want to admit that he was scared what Will would say. Was there any way Halt could possibly respond if Will said yes?

Will bowed his head. "I don't know," he said quietly. Defeatedly.

Halt clenched the piece of Will's shirt he was holding. Did Will truly not know, or was he just saying that to throw Halt off his scent? A year ago, Halt would've said the former, but now...

In one smooth tug, he and Gilan pulled Will back over, but they overestimated how much momentum they needed and Will ended up on top of them. Gilan let out a groan and Will rolled off him, which unfortunately meant that he rolled onto Halt.

"Gilan?" Will asked, apparently not even noticing who he was currently on top of. Halt slid out from underneath the boy in one quiet movement.

"How stupid are you!?" Gilan screamed. "You could've died right then and there because of your carelessness!" Halt realized that he'd never heard Gilan speak that way before, and he'd been around the man since he was a teenager. Halt nudged the other Ranger warningly, not knowing if something would set Will off. Sighing, Gilan crossed his arms, anger melting away. "Will, why?"

And that was the crux of the matter.

Why?

"I wasn't trying to-" Will waved his hand in a gesture that hopefully conveyed what he couldn't bear to say. "I wasn't, I swear. I just...wanted to know what it was like. Guess you could say my curiosity got the better of me."

Again, that overwhelming silence inside of Halt. "Don't start," he said, voice clear and cold in a tone that almost scared even him. "Don't even try that, Will. The game is over. We've caught you in the act, so would you mind telling us what the hell is going on with you!?" By the end of the sentence he was near a shout, louder than he remembered speaking in months- and before then, years. Will shrank back, obviously terrified, but Halt wasn't done yet. He opened his mouth to say something more, but Gilan interrupted.

"Halt, stop. He's scared to death already. Don't make it worse."

He scared me to death, he has no right- Halt closed his eyes, desperately trying to gain control of himself. For someone famous for their lack of emotion, he decided he still had far too much of it for his own comfort. "If he'd maybe stopped to consider his actions-"

"Halt. That's enough."

He stared at Gilan, shocked, and obligingly closed his mouth.

"Will," Gilan said, quieter now, "you know we're here for you, right? You can tell us anything."

Like that's going to get us anywhere, he scoffed silently. I already tried that. Will shook his head, vision blurring. Gilan slid an arm around the shaking boy's shoulders, gently leading him off without even a backwards glance towards Halt. "C'mon. Let's get you some coffee and talk about this somewhere safe."

Halt followed behind, not attempting to hide but not wanting to get too close to Will, either. He still had no idea what he was feeling. He couldn't remember any time he'd ever felt this...terrified? Shocked? Angry? Grief-stricken? A mix of all four?

Yes, he decided grimly, I'd say all four right now. He wanted, very badly, to talk to Will by himself, but he also wasn't sure if he'd be the best person to talk to right now- or at all, really. Halt had had a few heart-to-hearts with Will in the year and a half of his apprenticeship, and suffice to say, they hadn't gone over that well. Halt simply wasn't a heartfelt person. It wasn't that he didn't feel- he certainly did- he just had no idea how to express those feelings, and usually didn't even want to.

About thirty minutes later, they'd finally made it back to their rooms. With a quiet motion from Halt, they ended up in his room instead of Will and Gilan's- there was no telling if Horace was in there or not, and Halt didn't think Will would want the young cadet to know what was going on. Crowley, of course, was just as likely to be in Halt's room, but as the Ranger Commandant, he deserved to know at least the bare bones of one of his Ranger's mental health issues- even if that person wasn't technically a Ranger, yet.

"Gilan," Halt said, finally snapping back into command, "go make some coffee. I'll get him situated."

Gilan gave him a semi-suspicious look but nodded and started off into the mini-kitchenette that their suite, thank God, had come equipped with. Let it never be said King Duncan didn't know how to properly treat his guests.

Now that Gilan was gone and Halt hadn't seen Crowley (although that wasn't really saying much, knowing the Ranger as he did), he decided to focus on Will. The boy was shaking- no, shivering. Halt had noticed him doing the same thing earlier at the archery range and wondered if it was something left over from his time in Skandia. His hands were trembling so hard he had to clench them into fists to still them, and his skin was a pale, deathly white.

It was like looking at a corpse.

The thought nauseated Halt so much he had to look away for a second. Now that the shock had finally started to wear off, the fear was starting to seep in- Will could've, would've died if they hadn't been there to stop him. Will would have been a pale, dead corpse.

"Will," Halt tried gently. His voice cracked. "Will," he tried again, and this time it shook. "Sit down." The boy obeyed instantly. Halt sat down next to him- several inches away, so Will wouldn't feel crowded- and attempted another question. "Are you cold?" This time, he was proud to note, his voice stayed strong except for a wobble at the end.

Will gave him a confused look. Halt nodded to his hands. "You're shivering so much that your entire body is quaking. Is that a normal reaction, or is it something new?"

"I-i-it's new."

Even his teeth were chattering. Halt pursed his lips and stood up, grabbing a couple of blankets before returning. "Here."

"T-t-thanks, Halt."

Halt gave a noncommittal grunt. "You might not want to do that just yet. I still have questions I want to ask you."

Will looked down. "Oh. Right."

Gilan returned just then with three cups of coffee. Halt gratefully accepted his. It burned into his hands but he didn't care- he needed something to ground him.

"Do you want me to start, or shall I, Halt?" Gilan asked quietly.

Halt looked at Will, then back at Gilan, and hesitated. He admitted that he wanted to be the one doing the questioning, but at the same time, Gilan tended to get better results in situations where diplomacy was necessary. Since Halt didn't particularly want to go through standard interrogation techniques with Will (especially since, as he'd missed out on his third year, he wouldn't have even been trained in them yet), it might be a better idea to have Gilan do it.

Halt shrugged, looking at Will. "Who would you rather have ask the questions, Will?" Might as well give him some semblance of control in the situation; Halt had learned that control, or lack of it, was a huge part of mental illnesses, so if gaining a little of it would help settle him...

Will bit his lip before answering quietly, "I want you, Halt."

He blinked, honestly thrown. He'd been fully expecting Will to pick the more lenient, friendly option; not the one that had gone from iceberg to volcano in two seconds flat just a few minutes earlier. "Are you sure?" he asked. "I won't go easy on you."

"I know. That's- I know. I-I trust you, Halt." Will curled in on himself. The misery on his face stung the newly formed scabs on Halt's heart like acid. "I'm tired of lying. If- if this gets me..." the last part was murmured so quietly even Halt's excellent hearing couldn't pick it out.

"What was that, Will?" he asked, hopefully gently.

"If this gets me kicked out of the Ranger Corps," Will said quietly, "then I guess I deserved it. It was my fault, anyway."

"Will," Gilan said, "what are you talking about?"

Will stared at his hands, still trembling in the warm firelight. "I guess I'll start at the beginning, then."